The Bachelor is a completely absurd television program. No, wait... The Bachelor is a completely absurd commentary on the entire human condition. But you know what can be really fun? COMPLETE ABSURDITY! WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME!! (Join The SZN's competition for free here)
I'd heard about The Bachelor. We've all heard about The Bachelor. I'd never watched The Bachelor, though, because... well, lol... olololol.
I played high school sports. I also captained our math team and sang in our choir. There was a dude who stood near me in choir once named Brandon. He was a perfectly normal dude.
Then Brandon became a contestant on The Bachelor(ette).
I had to watch. I was #INVESTED. Then Brandon didn't get a rose because he told a woman with whom he'd spent exactly 30 minutes that he was falling in love with her. Ahem, falling in #LOVE with her.
My interest waned. The Bachelorette was some woman named Sock who was excessively boring. My Monday nights reverted to my usual routine of telling people about the one time I had a 5-minute conversation with a mildly drunk Aaron Rodgers.
Then about a year later, my good friend Amy asked if I wanted to join their Bachelor competition. Whoa, a Bachelor competition?
Then I learned Aaron Rodgers' brother was going to be a contestant on The Bachelorette. WHOA, Aaron Rodgers' brother?!
My name is Peter Simones - more widely known as The Commish - and I am a full-fledged, unabashed, #LOVE-tinged Bachelor convert. (And I REALLY want to win my Bachelor competition.)
THIS IS HOW OUR BACHELOR COMPETITION WORKS
Pro tip: Join for free here.
Part 1: Traditional rose picks.
At the end of every episode, the Bachelor(ette) hands out roses to all the fully-formed, non-fame-seeking adults with whom they'd like to continue purusing something REAL. Half of the wannabe rose-getters are smashed on rosé. Behind the scenes, the producers pepper them with questions about why they're single and lonely before making them all line up together and wait to be picked for dodgeball #LOVE.
It's great fun. You pick everyone you think will get a rose. One point for every correct pick.
Part 2: The #LOVE Forecast.
Did you really think Commish and GM would put on a traditional Bachelor competition? Get out of here. Commish creates 10 multiple-choice questions each week based on the most instantaneously IQ-lowering intellectually stimulating storylines currently unfolding before our rose-blinded eyes.
You answer them all. One point for every correct answer. BUT, that's not really the point here...
ALLOW COMMISH TO SHOW YOU.
At the 2:11 mark of the season preview that always airs after the first episode (direct link), something beyond words happened:
As I said: WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME!! Our first-ever #LOVE Forecast question was in honor of this moment:
The questions actually get more ridiculous from here. Just go join the competition and experience them yourself.
The person who racks up the most points between their rose picks and #LOVE Forecast picks is our first-ever Bachelor Rosedown champ.
You're probably considering where a Rosedown title would sit on your life's totem pole of achievements. Just stop. It's on the very top, and it'll forever look down upon everything else you do in your life with a smug moral righteousness.
For it knows #LOVE. You conquered #LOVE. And there is no greater quest in life.
GO MAKE YOUR PICKS NOW - THEY'RE DUE BEFORE SHOW TIME ON MONDAY
The show airs at 8pm (EST) on Mondays. It's on ABC and Hulu, but there are plenty of other ways (that Commish can't necessarily recommend) to watch it. The premiere already aired, and you should probably watch it before making your picks.
I HIGHLY recommend watching the show with friends - especially friends who've also made Rosedown picks. Let the absurdity wash over you.