BFIG Pick Comment Hall of Fame
Riding high after his first-ever BFIG victory in 2010, @joepreiner commemorated his win with a Bears-Lions themed "I Will Survive" parody. Commish thought it was cute. Commish featured it in the Week 2 email. Commish never thought it would lead to this...
(HEY COOL VISITOR: If you say, "This shit is amazing," then imagine yourself reading comments like this every Sunday morning while downing Bud Light Limes, waiting for your pick to lead you one step closer to $50K. Get in the NFL SZN)
Class of 2016
@MayTheFavrthBeWithYou on how BFIG enables him to enact revenge upon John Stamos
THE PICK: Panthers over Niners, Week 2
Commish, every now and again, a man has to put football knowledge and logic aside and go with his gut. 13-point spread with an angry NFC reigning champ at home against the second-best team in the Bay Area blah blah blah. Here's the sad, but true story. My ex-girlfriend (age 30) is dating John Stamos (age lol), who aggressively pursued her while we were still together. Hell, the guy even invited me to a vegan cookout (huh?!) at his creepy Disney-laden home (no Bud Light Limes? No thanks). Anyway, John Stamos is well known for his role as Uncle Jesse on a horseshit show known as Full House. Full House took place in San Francisco (let's not get into how Bob Saget was capable of affording a 6-bedroom home in Alamo Square on his modest salary as a local daytime tv show host). When we broke up, she took everything, including my beloved dog. F*** Full House. F*** my ex. And most of all, f*** Uncle Jesse. I'd still get down with Kimmy Gibbler, though.
Comment of the year: @LeVeonBell420 on why you can ALWAYS pick against a Cody Kessler-quarterbacked team
THE PICK: Titans over Browns, Week 6
Tall, handsome, and generally always well-liked by his peers, the starting quarterback at my beloved alma mater, the University of Southern California, has historically been a mantle of American virility. I've admired the chiseled good looks of our starting quarterbacks to just-this-side of heterosexuality, and though unrelated it seems, the physical attractiveness of our quarterbacks tends to correlate with their on-field success at USC. Leinart: Heisman. Palmer: Heisman. Matt "Why the long face?" Cassell: On the bench.
The summer after Barkley was a transitional period for USC, if you were on the field for practice during drills (and thus deaf), it was pretty clear who the heir apparent was going to be: The frozen rope-throwing beast god leaving Pi Kapp with two comely lasses at a time, Mr. Max Wittek. Wittek had all the makings of an NFL-ready quarterback: great arm, instinctual (at times perilous) decision-making, and of course most importantly, he was a tremendous prick. But apparently the coaching staff thought some country-music loving dude out of Bakersfield, California was a better fit for our offense.
Why Lane Kiffin opted for the guy with the beer league arm to throw bubble screens is beyond me, but by my limited personal interaction with them, Cody Kessler, like Kiffin, was careful, measured, and an all-around nice guy. My vision of Cody's future prospects in the NFL was solidified one Thursday night during my final semester at 'SC. It was about 12:30 or 1 a.m., and I was making a stop at the 7-Eleven off Figueroa just north of campus near the West 27th apartments. I'm going through the 7-Eleven fridge for some Gatorade when I notice a young man having a mild argument with a girl. "You're the quarterback, you're just like them. You're not even going to call me back, and I'm not that kind of girl," she said. It was Kessler, now in front of me in line at the 7-Eleven.
"I'm not that kind of guy," Kessler protested in that mild baritone. He turns around and looks at me, recognizing me from being a Daily Trojan sportswriter. And then it just came out of my mouth, because f*** it, this man has served as the quarterback at the school I love for the better part of the last three years. "He's not," I said definitively. Kessler looked up at me again, a little flustered. And I continued. "I cover Cody for the Trojan. He's a nice dude who makes good decisions. You're in good hands."
The concern scrunching his forehead loosened and his eyes lit into a smile. "Thanks, man." I gave him the Fight On, and the couple walked out holding hands. I got my Gatorade, walked into my car for the drive back to Orange County and thought to myself, "Jesus. Cody Kessler can't close without a wingman." ... Titans by two touchdowns.
@ChargerGirl23 with the best Hedge of Happiness moment in SZN history
THE PICK: Broncos over Chargers, Week 6
I bleed blue and yellow. My youngest child is nicknamed Bolt and I bought a Dodge just because they named it Charger. But this year has been tough to watch and I have had to isolate myself to watch Charger games because a professional, football loving mom who is on the Board of many youth sports will embarrass a trucker if anyone sees how I yell at my team and watch the 4th quarter standing 3 feet from the TV. So, I have to have something to be happy about when I watch the Chargers this Thursday with a bottle of wine and tears in my eyes. Go Broncos.
@johnfillmore on what the Rams are REALLY doing when they... crap away games
THE PICK: Cardinals over Rams, Week 4
My son Jack is 2. He potty trained pretty early and has been running around in underwear basically since his birthday a few months back. Having your last kid potty trained is pretty awesome - it's an underrated "God we got through this part of having kids, let's open a bottle of wine" moment. But just to remind us that he's still 2, once every few weeks Jack will walk up to me for no apparent reason, smile, and say 'Daddy I'm poopy in pants.' And, sure enough, this kid who is perfectly capable of identifying his need to go to the bathroom will have dropped a disgusting deuce in his drawers (and my wife and I will race to get out of the room first rather than have to clean it up). I don't care if the Rams are 2-1. Heck, maybe they're ahead of their rebuilding plan and actually finish with a record above .400. And I don't care if the Cardinals this week looked just a little bit like 2009 Carolina when Jake Delhomme started throwing picks every 3rd series. Jeff Fisher and Case Keenum are about to walk up to the football world, smile, and make a giant poopy in pants.
@mcieslak2389 with the greatest "Where the hell is he going with... omg this is amazing" comment ever
THE PICK: Panthers over Niners, Week 2
On Thursday, Cam Newton brought his new food truck to practice and fed lunch to the players and coaches. Food trucks are the new thing. It's every millennial's dream to have a food truck. Cam Newton is a millennial with plenty of money. Why wouldn't he buy a food truck? (SCENE BREAK)
It was 2002-2003 and a small private school in Rochester, NY was making national sports news. The basketball team had risen to #2 in USA Today's national poll. As fate would have it, the team that assumed the #1 spot was right down the road, relatively speaking. Four and half hours away, LeBron James had begun his ascent to super stardom. St. Vincent-St. Mary High School was embarrassing every team it faced and had risen to the top spot. Now, it wasn't common for the top two teams in the nation to be that close geographically and the St. Vincent-St. Mary team, a.k.a LeBron, was commanding a lot of airtime on ESPN. In early January, the rumors started that the two teams were going to play. Excitement grew throughout the city. They were going to see this LeBron guy dunk all over one of the local teams, and it was going to be on national television, on ESPN! (SCENE BREAK)
"This is your Vice Principal for Student Affairs speaking, the Phantom Pooper has struck again." (SCENE BREAK)
Meanwhile, at that small private school in Rochester, NY, not much attention was being given to the possible clash of titans. Instead, all of the students were tantalized by the mystery of the Phantom Pooper. How was he getting the poop on the ceilings? Some said he would use the cardboard-esque toilet paper that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Others suggested the use of plastic wrap, or rubber gloves. When would he do it? How was he able to get all of the bathrooms? The entire school was consumed by the mystery of the Phantom Pooper. (SCENE BREAK)
As time went on, the game never materialized and the Phantom Pooper moved on. (As an aside, I am pretty sure he actually moved to Norway where he terrorized a golf course for years. (SCENE BREAK)
Years later, the identity of the Phantom Pooper became clear, and you'll never guess what he does now. He owns a damn food truck, just like Cam Newton! The Phantom Pooper is slinging some of the finest meats all over Rochester, NY. They're basically the same person. Cam probably takes shits in weird places, too. Oddly enough, the Phantom Pooper also played for that legendary basketball team. Guys who own food trucks are winners, and so are Phantom Poopers. Blaine Gabbert owns zero food trucks and only poops in toilets. He's a loser.
Class of 2015
@kensofer on where an unflinching commitment to BFIG drives you in life
THE PICK: Chiefs over Bears, Week 5
Being in BFIG makes you an awful person to be at a sports bar with. I asked the bartender to put on the Jags game last week and people looked at me like I was a goddamn leper.
Comment of the year: @ReimDiggity on using Tinder to cure BFIG pick paralysis
THE PICK: Seahawks over Panthers, Week 6
Stumped on who to pick this week, I decided to use "[Team name] and chill?" as my Tinder pickup line and make my pick based on the results. Keep in mind I live in San Francisco. These were some of the responses 'Seahawks game and chill?' got...
1: "Seahawks game and die of loneliness?" 2: "Russell Wilson sucks balls, no wonder why Ciara won't f*** him. Marshawn Lynch is on roids and your defense can't even stop Andy f***ing Dalton."
3: "No I prefer Netflix and chill." (probably calling her) 4: "So I lie and say hell yes? Or be honest and say I have no clue what goes on during a football game? Lol I can make you food while you watch." (Definitely calling her) 5: "Are you asking me a question?" 6: "Lol. Absolutely."
Given the quality of responses, and the fact that the wealth of non responses can basically be tallied as intimidation points, I feel very comfortable saying the Seahawks are coming out ahead this week. I will report back on whether I come out ahead... with Tinder girl #4.
@nsgaughan introducing BFIG - and the world - to the Hedge of Happiness
THE PICK: Patriots over Colts, Week 6
Let me wait no further to introduce to you... the HEDGE OF HAPPINESS. As a TERRIFIED Colts fan, I have no other choice than to implement the HoH. As we continue to stumble through the cupcake division known as the AFC South, the Pats have rolled through their first 4 games with a rampaging look similar to Rick Grimes from the Walking Dead. Therefore, the Hedge of Happiness here is simple: If the Pats win as expected, I quietly move on to the next round. If the Pats lose, I gracefully bow out with a Colts W in hand. Did I just make a Walking Dead reference?
@riskhanna on the special type of recklessness that is picking the Jets when you're a Giants fan
THE PICK: Jets over Washington, Week 6
I'm a Giants fan... and I'm putting my faith on the Jets. This is akin to giving your neighbor - the one who leaves his lawnmower running all the time and regularly backs his car over toys that could have been children - a handle of Jack and asking him to babysit your kids for the weekend while you and the wife watch from your bedroom window. Was it Kierkegaard or Dick Van Patten who said, "F*** IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"?
Class of 2014
Comment of the year: @mikerosolio with both an amazing quarterback time capsule and an uncanny display of public perception gauging:
THE PICK: Saints over Bucs, Week 5
Because I don't think the Saints are going 1-15. Because this is the most winnable game on their schedule. Because we knew they kinda stink on the road... and all three losses are road losses. But mostly, because I was in New Orleans in March and saw more than one painted mural of Drew Brees on horseback like he's King Leonidas from 300. He's the only quarterback in the league that wouldn't get a modicum of shit for that. Find me another; it's impossible.
- Tom Brady: "What a douche."
- Peyton Manning: "I get it, you're the Alec Baldwin of the NFL."
- Aaron Rodgers: "What a douche."
- Joe Flacco: "The unibrow doesn't help."
- Tony Romo: "What a douche."
- Jay Cutler: "I guarantee your wife made you pose for that."
- Ben Roethlisberger: "What a douche."
- Eli Manning: "The next scene is Eli on the ground and the horse in the distance."
- Cam Newton: "What a douche."
- Andrew Luck: "Jesus, he's bigger than the horse."
- Colin Kaepernick: "What a douche."
- Russell Wilson: "The horse is carrying him... like his defense and running game"
- Carson Palmer: "What a douche."
- Kirk Cousins: "Recently painted over Robert Griffin. About to be repainted again."
- Matt Ryan: "What a douche."
- Andy Dalton: "And for his eighth birthday, Little Andrew got a caricature at the boardwalk!"
- Nick Foles: "What a douche."
- Mike Glennon: "Wait...is that Josh McCown? Or Jeff Garcia left out in the sun?"
- Matthew Stafford: "What a fat douche."
- Rex Ryan: "He's never met his quarterback, or any offensive players."
- Ryan Fitzpatrick: "What a bearded douche."
- Teddy Bridgewater: "Smile once, Teddy. Please just smile."
- Ryan Tannehill: "What a hot-wife-having-douche."
- Blake Bortles: "At least it fits for when the team moves to England."
- Charlie Whitehurst: "What a douche...with the greatest nickname in sports."
- Alex Smith: "Chiefs fans must really love Ryan Gosling."
- EJ Manuel: "The horse's name is 'Bench'."
- Derek Carr: "Man, his brother was such a Creed-frontman-lookin' douche."
- Philip Rivers: "...Yep, that's going up in Phil's beer pong room."
- Brian Hoyer: "He's about to lose his job for no good reason...to a douche."
@mvessling, perfecting the art of "THIS ALL MAKES SENSE I PROMISE"
THE PICK: Cardinals over Raiders, Week 7
Since 1998, the Arizona Cardinals are 5-2 when their quarterback is playing his first game back from injury. In that time, only the Broncos and Dolphins have fared better (8-2 and 7-2, respectively). Carson Palmer is one of only six quarterbacks in NFL history to be father to a set of twins, one of which is named Fletch. In the movie Fletch, Chevy Chase starred alongside Tim Matheson, who also appeared in my personal favorite Freddy Prince, Jr. movie, She's All That. Naturally, this movie was Paul Walker's coming out party where he portrayed Dean Sampson. In that same exact year, 1999, Paul Walker played star quarterback Lance Harbor in the teenage classic Varisty Blues where he, too, suffered a similar career-ending injury like Carson Palmer was thought to early in his career in Cincinnati. NEED I SAY ANYTHING MORE?!? God bless you, Paul Walker.
@endofthetown delivering BFIG's first and last Burger Power Rankings, because there can never be a better one
THE PICK: Steelers over Ravens, Week 9
The Burger Power Rankings:
- Ben Roethlisburger: 6 burger patties that will take 522 bites to finish, tastes worse in a bathroom stall
- Brent Musburger: An older, more refined patty. Don't eat this near your girlfriend.
- Brandin the Cooks' Special: Tastes much better with 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, Brees, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
- Demarcus Medium Ware: A Texas favorite that is no longer being served in Dallas for no explainable reason. This one will tackle your taste buds.
- Corderelle Pattyson: In Minnesota, the burger options, like the wide receivers, are limited. This burger is all hype and not much bite.
- Zach Mettenburger: Only when you are desperately hungry, and have searched everywhere in your Locker and can't find anything else to eat eat.
Classes of 2010-2013
@joepreiner with the comment that started this all
THE PICK: Bears over Lions, Week 1, 2010
At first I was afraid, I was petrified, thinking I would never win if the Bears let it slide. And then I spent so many minutes watching Detroit's QB throw it long, my odds grew strong, and now at last I'm moving onnnnnnn."
@NotoriousBOG on Jay Cutler, BFIG savior
THE PICK: Bears over Vikings, Week 2, 2013
Yes, yes, yes... I know, I'm breaking the cardinal rule. 'Never pick division rivalries' says The Commish. Well, The Commish isn't a stud. Studs date Kristin Cavallari. Studs propose to their girlfriends via text. Studs mail in their engagement rings. Studs let other studs (see: Marshall, Brandon; see: Forte, Matthew) bail them out on shitty throws and poor handoffs. Studs put their fantasy team on their back and carry it to victory while still throwing 4 picks. Jay Cutler is a Stud. Studs help keep BFIG alive. QED! The Most Interesting Man in the World don't got squat on Jay Cutler.
@rnorwood, perhaps BFIG's all-time leader in prolific pick comments, on how your pick selection can mirror the doling out of Thanksgiving "duties":
THE PICK: Saints over Dolphins, Week 4, 2013
You know the point during Thanksgiving when the adults all gather in the kitchen and appear to be enaged in an unusually somber conversation, like a turkey-fueled Yalta Conference? Years later, you learn that this was simply that point in the evening where unpleasant duties are assigned, and burdensome choices are made.
Who gets to pry Uncle Rex off of his whiskey mount? Who has to clean up where Gramma Mary went boom-boom on the Persian rug in the den? Can anyone stop Uncle Willis from his demands to be spoon fed pumpkin pie by the shirt-tail relative he deems most attractive?
I'm taking the Saints, and am just trying to get through the evening.
@regannr on the sheer adrenaline high that comes with letting your BFIG hopes and dreams ride on a game between two absolute shit teams
THE PICK: Raiders over Jaguars, Week 2, 2013
This was one of the hardest decisions of my life. The last two years, I've always made what appeared to be the safe pick - a David vs. Goliath - only to see myself knocked out with an early season upset. This year, I've decided my strategy will be to choose the game most likely to resemble a pillow fight between two 6-year-olds.
My eyes scanned the Week 2 schedule and fell on Jacksonville vs. Oakland - two runts of the 2013 NFL litter. I must pick this game, there is no option 2. The only thing left to do was to choose the winning team but alas, a soul searching quandary lay before me.
Oakland is quarterbacked by the heathen Ohio State not-grad, Terrelle Pryor. Jacksonville's back-up RB is the demi-god Michigan grad, Denard Robinson. Will Terrelle Pryor arm-punt his way to defeat while Denard's smile permeates over national television, curing cancer everywhere? Or will the Jags fail to realize that Robinson is the key to winning, causing the offense to stall once again and allowing Pryor to limp his way to victory and more free tattoos?
My NFL mind tells me to pick the Raiders, a 5.5 point favorite at home, but my heart and soul tell me I cannot. Through several late nights and a bottle of Old Crow Kentucky bourbon, I have concluded I must pick Oakland. If Jacksonville wins, I can take solace in my loss and bury my shame for picking against Robinson because cancer will be cured.
If Oakland wins, I'll stay alive, but be forced to sit in a cold shower for hours, contemplating the evil that I have done. Selling my soul to the devil: the price for BFIG glory.
@mjsimo74, the OG ALL CAPS member of BFIG, proving that less punctuation is correlated with more hilarity (RIP, Uncle Mike)
THE PICK: Saints over Browns, Week 7, 2010
GOOD TO BE YOUNG, BIG GUY HOW DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO BE THE COMMISH WITH A LADY FRIEND AROUND YOUR ARM AS THE BROWN SLUDGE IS BEING CLEANED IN NEW ORLEANS THE SAINTS COULD SCRAPE CLEVELAND FROM THE SHORE. IN SAYING THIS, MIKE SIMONES IS PICKING THOSE SAINTS FROM NEW ORLEANS