Hoard of Happiness Hedgers,

Never has Commish ever seen so much hate spewed in your pick comments.

Never has Commish ever seen so many people say, "I mean, if I lose, then F*** YEAH!"

I mean, Commish fully understands the Hedge of Happiness. Your pick - the team you hate - wins, and you move on; they lose, and hey, your archenemy lost. But never has Commish ever been so perplexed...

If your potential Hedge of Happiness pick is also the probable top pick that week, isn't this the PERFECT opportunity to root with every last fiber of your Packers-hating being for a Ginger Cannon-infused upset at Lambeau?

C'mon, Vikes fans! C'mon Bears fans! C'mon Lions fans! (What's it feel like to be so good that you're THREE fanbases' most hated team? THE CHEESE TASTES GOOD, YA'LL.)

But Commish still loves you. Because someone's gotta balance out all this hate...

WEEK 3 PICKS AND FAST FACTS

View pick summary
View every single damn pick in the spreadsheet
Your group page(s) will also show you picks for just that group

WEEK 3 AWARDS

"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award

The SZN's third most prestigious award, behind the BFIG Title Belt and the Haynesworth Hustle Award. You can't win BFIG without showing a little Moxie!

Remember, a comment is required to win the Moxie!

@ZenWineGuy (Falcons): "There's absolutely NO WAY Detroit starts 3-0.... "

Commish says: 1) Some hero named @RFB picked the Jets this week, but didn't leave a comment, 2) Commish couldn't pass up the chance to feature @ZenWineGuy picking against a 2-0 team at home. ALL THE ZEN TO YOU, MOXIE WARRIOR!

Commish Communication Award

Quite simply, this is BFIG's best weekly comment (or two)

@perryamax (Dolphins): "My Uber driver in Chicago had a tricked out Dolphins mobile. Looked like a 9 year old's bedroom. Said she's still not over Marino. 43/F/English w/ orange nails if anyone's single. Just. Felt. Right."

Commish says: All Chicago BFIGers: We need to get this woman in the pool. Tell her she has free membership for two years, courtesy of Commish. REPORT BACK!

@nicklausdaley (Patriots): "I hate the Pats. However, the only other game that doesn't break all of the survivor rules is taking the Packers. I am a Bengals fan (yes, they exist) and someone actually sold me Bengals tickets to my first ever game at Lambeau this weekend. Yes, I paid $600 for 2 Bengals tickets after Andy Dalton gave consecutive weeks of his best Akili Smith impression. Yes, all of my other Bengals fan friends (2) in Chicago backed out of the trip after the Bengals first two weeks. Yes, my girlfriend asked me if she HAD to wear Bengals gear on Sunday. Yes, I realize the Bengals season is already over. However, did you know that the Bengals are 3-0 against the Packers under Marvin Lewis (he still needs FIRED)?? Or that the Bengals are the only team that Aaron Rodgers has never beat?? Or that the last time the Bengals were likely going to lose to the Packers, a crazy drunk Cincinnati fan ran out of the stands and took the ball out of Brett Favre's hands as he was driving for the game tying score??? I mean if that isn't an under-the-radar BFIG jinx, I don't know what is. I think my Bengals will successfully take down 40% of the SZN pool this week. That's the closest the Bengals will probably come to winning an important game in my lifetime. And I'll be there to witness it, BLL in hand."

Commish says: I have to honor your amazing fandom, Nicklaus. But, dude, you missed one thing: If you actually PICKED the Bengals, this would immediately become the second-greatest Moxie pick of all time (even if the Packers still won). When given the choice of safety or legend, CHOOSE LEGEND!!

@FertileSquirtle (Dolphins): "When I was two years old, my dear grandmother sent me a stuffed dolphin for my birthday, which I obviously named Dolphie. I've been a Phin Phan ever since, but since I have a fear of the ocean and open water and clowns and socks that are too tight and bologna and grape-flavored anything and losing my hair and small birds and ketchup and the expanding universe and jeans, Dolphie will probably be the closest I ever come to having a real friend. But if Miami loses to the Jets this week I'll make soup out of his fin. Side note: last week I was CERTAIN that I was locked in with Carolina, only to learn yesterday that I had actually picked the Cardinals. Either way I would've ended up gnawing at the keratin on my fingers and toes, but I went through a lot of smugness for my smart avoidance of what would certainly become the Colts' first W. Never again."

Commish says: 1. Your username; 2. You fear jeans; 3. Stuffed animal fin soup. MORE!

"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award

When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL. Can you convince anyone that your pick is the right pick? Then I bet you could sell Bengals tickets, too!

@mgundling (Patriots): "Remember when Bill O'Brien reamed Tom Brady on Pats sideline???? Barely? Yeah, me too. It's been awhile. Tom recalls it as vividly and bitterly as when Donnie Wahlberg copped a feel on Gisele while allegedly reaching for a Harp at McGreevy's in 2004. "

Commish says: Why is this the Bengals Tickets winner this week? Go ahead, watch this and tell me Brady doesn't remember: youtube.com/watch?v=33V0hSri6BM. I'm surprised Bill O'Brien is still alive.

Definitely Not Concussed Award

Can you teach us something new? No, there are no rules. Just teach us something. Anything. Please?

@vxk5018 (Patriots): "My brother told me about this guy who gives out betting advice. He has something called a “system play”. The system play is home underdogs between 3-4 points. The spread has to stay within that range the whole week or it doesn’t count. At the time that I’m writing this, there are 6 system plays (Jax (shouldn’t really count but oh well), Buffalo, Detriot, LA Chargers, Redskins, and Arizona) so I’m expecting upset specials and complete chaos. I’m blowing my NE load early with the hopes that chaos ensues. I thought of GB but something about that Bengals team worries me plus no one should take GB until the back half of the season when they wake up and start playing. Oh yeah my own personal upset special is the Saints over Carolina. Hopefully I don’t look like an idiot on Monday."

Commish says: It's 23-0 Jags as I write this. BORTLEMANIA!!! SYSTEM PLAYS ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!! (But for real, I'm intrigued. What's the SU and ATS performance of "system plays" over the past five years?)

THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'

Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.

@crashfu14 (Patriots): "My great-grandmother used to pick teams based on the ferociousness (is that a thing?) of the mascots doing battle. In that simpleton line of thinking (sorry Mimi), most birds would be McNuggets by half time. I don't know if a Patriot (Minuteman I guess?) is any tougher than a Texan. I mean, if we are talking Matthew McConaughey rolling a booger in a Lincoln versus Tom Brady in Uggs, this is wicked ovah. Alright, alright, alright."

Commish says: I think you just invented history's best blog name: TheBattleOfMcConaugheysBoogerRollingAndTomBradysUggs.blogspot.com

Paige's companion in BFIG absurdity, Rob, dropped out in Week 2. He'll be back in Week 5 for the Second Chance Pool!

DAVID MICK'S IRRATIONAL AND INEVITABLE MARCH TOWARD THE TITLE BELT

@mick's logic is awful. His enthusiasm is fantastic. His rationality is poor. His charisma is off the charts. David Mick is a walking paradox. David Mick will also, inevitably, be our champion.

@mick (Chiefs): "Yep you see that right KC!!!! I know Big Daddy warned against getting cute but I've got a strategy and I'm staying with it. I'm trying to win this thing not finish 22nd! There are 3 obvious picks and I'm about to throw out some knowledge on yall as to way they will dominated this week and my plan to 50k moves forward. Those teams are Pats, Packers, and Steelers. Let me start with the Pats likely this weeks most popular pick. Here is the deal Houston actually isn't that bad. Yeah they got blasted by Jax but hey that was pre Watson. There defense is good and brady is 40 with everyone else injured. The frustrate him and eek out a win. The packers lose because they always take a bad loss early on at home leading to questions about the coach and rodgers not being winners then rodgers gives his dont worry press conference yada yada then hail mary against the bears... I'm not bitter... but yeah those have that bad home loss this week. The lost obvious is the Steelers. It wont be the biggest pick because 1500+ people have already picked them. But they lose because they are playing the bears!!! seriously dont pick against the bears!!!!! Really thats why i cant pick the steelers because i just cant pick against the bears. Speaking of the Bears yall better get your bears winning the superbowl bet locked in now because its currently 250/1. So there you have it. KC in what really is a road game for both teams. Mick family update... Everyone still in. My in-laws are currently in town and I may have heard that my mother-in-law is taking the bears?!?!!? that would be the most badass thing ever... we shall see. Also I have no idea whats going on in life because I actually forgot that thanksgiving is in Sacramento this year and Christmas is at my house. Hopefully I get invited to both."

Commish says: If you don't send me photo evidence of your Super Bowl bet on the Bears at 250/1, then I'm making the score 2-0 in favor of your wife. Which, speaking of...

@Kelmick (Packers): "This is my first year in the pool and my one goal is to beat my husband (@mick). I think my odds are pretty good because he just likes to run his mouth:) rather than make good picks!"

Commish says: @Kelmick 1 - @mick 0. IT'S ON IT'S ON IT'S ON!

MORE PICK COMMENTS

@Blazytm (Browns): "The Browns? The BROWNS?? THE F***ING BROWNS!!??"

Commish says: The Browns!

@Mrrd45 (Browns): "I want to pick the Browns. I really, really want to pick the Browns. How many people have ever picked the Browns in the history of this thing? How many times — if ever — has it worked? I need the stats on that. There's absolutely no reason to gamble on the Browns this week with the Dolphins a lock to bottle-nose-f*ck the Jets in their own home. And it's not like there's a point in saving the Dolphins for later once Jay Cutler lands on the NFI list with the black lung in Week 8. But, god dammit, I've wasted a far dumber $20something bucks before. Let's make history. Go Browns..."

Commish says: The Browns!!!

@CLERising216 (Browns): "Everyone has their burdens to bear as they progress through their life. I for one am no different than the common man. My burden is that I am a die hard Cleveland Browns fan. Week in and week out, for the 26 years that I have been on this earth, I have watched this team snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory time and time again. Instead of spending childhoods hoping for playoff runs, I was making and checking mock drafts before Halloween candy came out in the stores. While I don't wish this curse be afflicted upon even my worst of enemies, my pick for this week is staring me right in the face. I have to go with my Cleveland Browns. I know that I am a fool for picking the Browns this week. I know that on Monday, when I look at the Colts: 23 -Browns:13 box score that drops our record to 0-3, I'll exasperatedly scream something along the lines of "God damn it CLERising216! You knew that DeShone Kizer was going to go 16/35 for 218 yards, throw for 1 TD in the middle of the 2nd quarter, and then throw a crucial pick six (his 2nd INT of the game, and third turnover) with 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter while leading a drive to take the lead back from the Colts!" or "Even though we were up 13-9, you knew that Briean Boddy-Calhoun would be called for an egregious Pass Interference call on 3rd and 14 with 7 and a half minutes left in the fourth, leading to 14 unanswered points by the Colts for them to take this game away!" I've seen it all before, and yet, still am amazed at the truly baffling ways this team can blow away a game. However, although my common sense is pleading with me to reconsider, I have to throw it to the wayside. I'm riding and dying on the Orange and Brown Express this week. I don't think we've been favored in a away game since Ronald Reagan was president, so god damn it, I have to support my team. If I don't choose them now, when am I ever going to be able to choose them? So, in short...HERE WE GO BROWNIES, HERE WE GO (WOOF WOOF)"

Commish says: THE BROWNS!!!

@Corey17 (Broncos): "The apocalypse is coming! Pick not the obvious ones, let down is coning. Best way to avoid disaster is to avoid potential disaster. I trust the soft wings of Trevor Siemian, a man among men, to weather the storm that is a sea of unpredictable upsets In week 3. Trust not the Packers. Trust not the Patriots. Trust not the Steelers. Do not fear, let Trevor be your guide."

Commish says: Another excellent blog name: TheSoftWingsOfTrevorSiemian.tumblr.com

@Pixieslovecrows (Packers): "NO Pack NO! HATE hate HATE the Packers. Going to get this pick out of the way. If they lose to the Bengals and I get kicked out of this, well it will still be a good day to be a Lions fans. "

Commish says: You ready for this, everyone?

@adrianwagner (Packers): "First time in all the years I have done the BFIG that I have picked the Packers. God willing this will be the last time too."

@copperbullet (Packers): "Picks like these make me need a hot shower and some borax. Soaked in shame and dirty feelings. "

@nickwruck (Packers): "F*** the Packers...SKOL"

@shannonmbrody (Packers): "I want to barf as I am making this pick today. SKOL!!!!"

@Jfoleymn (Packers): "My hatred of the Pack is strong. Still, when plan on going deep in the survivor pool (like I do), a pick for a Packers win is inevitable. With this matchup, it's an easy decision to choke down my vomit as I root for a packers Victory."

@mrauchle (Packers): "FTP but I'm taking them this week because either they win and I live to play another day, or they lose to the BENGALS and the look on my Packer Fan Friends' faces will be worth missing the shot at $50k. Skol."

@rmm135 (Packers): "Painful."

@Oeqn (Packers): "I F***ing hate the Packers. They better not blow this against the Ginger Cannon and his band of felons."

@johnscurran (Packers): "#FTP but the Bungals suck real bad right now. "

Commish says: I find it hilarious that #FTP is a thing for Vikings fans. Do Jets fans write FTP, too? FTR for Steelers fans? Commish can't see it.

@juliacscull (Dolphins): "I make my students do silent, seated work the days your emails hit so I can read from beginning to end in peace. Where has this been all my life? "

Commish says: HI JULIA CAN WE BE FRIENDS? Also, I know a GREAT version of silent, seated work: Reading SZN emails. Right? Right?!?

@Rlanzer8 (Packers): "I feel a little frisky picking against someone other than the browns or jets. Probably going to end up drinking 10 BLLs instead of 7 and getting extra hot instead of mild on my wings on Sunday and then regret all 3 decisions Monday morning"

Commish says: You know when 21-year-olds stumble into a wall outside a bar, then gather themselves for a hot second before throwing their arms triumphantly into the air and exclaiming, "I'M LIVING!!!"? That's you, Rianzer. KEEP ON LIVING!!!

@alexmace4 (Packers): "The Packers selling its fans "Common Stock" has to be one of the most genius ideas ever. Hey lets sell a piece of paper to our cheese-loving fan base that has no equity, doesn't pay dividends, has essentially zero if not negative value, and then use the funds to run our team. Absolutely brilliant, and I'm willing to bet you are one of the self proclaimed "owners" Commish. Money well spent."

Commish says: You forgot the part where IT ACTUALLY WORKS. Wouldn't every business in the world do this if it actually worked? Part of the Packers legend, my man. And, per your final assertion... what kind of gullible superfan do you take me for? (It's framed and hanging in the most walked-by spot in my apartment.)

@ajbender9 (Packers): "btw that girl from the apple store. she ended up saying something to me. was a complete nut job. kept trying to interact with this single dads four year old child (kid was pretty cute to be fair). and talking to me about how amazing a child's mind is and how the innocence of children was so beautiful. "

Commish says: REALLY hoping your response was, "I am so on that plane with you. I participate in this community where we regularly celebrate the innocence and beauty of tabula rasa and the effect it has on all of our minds." You do NOT need to mention that our celebration of tabula rasa = Week 1 BFIG and Week 5 Second Chance.

@ljbburn (Dolphins): "Today on my commute home from work after pulling off the highway I was stuck behind a seemingly unassuming teal Hyundai Santa Fe. They had dings and dents all over their rear bumper and a license plate that read, "GOAT3". I wonder where 1 and 2 are. The first red light we pull up to I see vapor steaming from both open windows, pretty normal, I live in Denver, but like sick bruh. It was an overly sunny day, as an aside Denver gets more days of sunshine than Miami in a given year, and any streaks on someone's windshield would block their view of the road. As we drive away from the intersection I see the driver hold their water bottle out of the window and proceed to splash water on their windshield. This confused me, but their intent became clear as their windshield wipers started to move back and forth. I pulled in the left lane to see if I could get a glimpse of this driver. To be honest the driver was pretty unassuming, but the whole left side of the car was torn to bits. I thought to myself, what a dumpster fire of a car. That car had a Jets bumper sticker, what a perfect analogy for the Jets organization. Thank you for making this week's pick easy, GOAT3. Miami by 6 points. "

Commish says: The most hopeful moment of my week: Doing a SZN username search for GOAT3. No dice yet, but I'm keeping the faith

@jjhauser11 (Patriots): "I don't want to worry this week. I'm already stressed enough about having to live up to last week's Communication Award and the subsequent mistrust of my childhood friendship with a kicking legend. Pats by a million. ALSO. This has got to me the most favored away teams in a single week in NFL history right? ALSO ALSO. New drinking game. One sip of BLL, Michelob Ultra or other hop-flavored water every time: you can't see Giorgio's eyebrows under his helmet; Al Michaels mispronounces Moraga; Al Michaels mispronounces Campolindo; Al Michaels wrongly identifies Milan as "a small Italian village"; Cris Collinsworth mentions spaghetti and meatballs; Cris Collinsworth gruffly laughs at himself and says "I just love this guy!"; Giorgio kisses both hands and lifts them to the heavens. Two sips every time: Giorgio tries to make a tackle on a kickoff, Giorgio slaps another player on the ass, Del Rio shoots a finger gun with a wink and a grin at Giorgio. Finish your "beer" if: Giorgio and Marshawn kneel next to each other during the national anthem; Marshawn and Giorgio ghost ride the whip on the injury cart; Giorgio accepts your friend request."

Commish says: Almost. You missed "Finish 31 BLLS if: Giorgio follows your friend request acceptance with a message, 'This kick is for you, Commish.'"

@Jimbo (Dolphins): "Matt Leinart. Great college QB. Didn't beat Texas. NFL bust. Sam Darnold. Great college QB. Beat Texas. Hall of Fame Lock. The Jets saw what we all saw and they will NOT allow the Niners to ruin the TransSamlantic strategy of Woody Johnson, US Ambassador to the United Kingdom, Chief of Mission to the Court of St James, official representative of the President and the Government of the United States of America to the Queen and Government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, New York Jets owner, and CEO of Suck for Sam Enterprises. "

Commish says: Can we rename your pick comment, "Jimbo's Weekly GARGLE FOR DARNOLD Update"?

@nmoore (Packers): "It was between the Packers and the Jaguars. So, you know..."

Commish says: Wait, do I? I don't think I do. Remember: ANY time a Jaguars pick is in play, 1) You get to buy an "OG BORTLEMANIA!!! BELIEVER" t-shirt if they win, and 2) You must explain yourself here. For the record, yes, BORTLEMANIA!!! is always written like that and is grammatically perfect.

@amandalaurenross (Dolphins): "Continuing on my streak of picking Jets opponents. I just read various articles in which the Jets offense was described as "atrocious," "embarrassing," and lastly, THE kiss of death word for the No Fun League - "unwatchable." And so I trudge along, also continuing my streak of discussing things I ABSOLUTELY LOVE about the opponent. First was the Bills Mafia. Enough said. Second was the Raider's color scheme. Black like my soul. Third, Miami as the setting in my new favorite show "Ballers" which leads me to Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson's chances at the presidency in 2020. Odds... favorable. Dolphins by 10. "

Commish says: Is "The Rock vs. Donald Trump" the most improbable "Future movie or actual United States presidential race?" even odds prop bet in world history?

@chrisboland62 (Packers): "This week's CEEB-ENGE-BUP-RECS-Pick of the Week is the Packers for the following reason: Most cats are lactose-intolerant. Their digestive system cannot process dairy foods, and the result can be digestive upset with diarrhea. Green Bay over the Bengals with a forecast of excessive diarrhea. They make cheese in Wisconsin, get it?"

Commish says: I AM SO CONFUSED. Don't cats love milk? Commish isn't a cat lover, and you can bet your CEEB-ENGE-BUP-RECS ass I'm not getting a cat now. CHEESE FOREVER.

@colleenrkennedy1 (Packers): "My husband and his family are aggressively trying to convert me into a Packers fan. My father-in-law even gave me a Packers jersey as a wedding present. I have resisted, but this is the one week I will give in and say Go Pack Go!"

Commish says: What's holding you back?! We need to hear more. Also, is your father-in-law on The SZN? Can we get him on The SZN? I want to be his friend.

@WILLYA (Packers): "Brett Favre is gone…. But is he? Everyone thought that about Alan Parrish (Robin Williams’ character in Jumanji) but he was alive and well! He overcame the odds/ magic and led his team to victory. With modern science/ magic/ gene therapy, it’s not unreasonable to think Brett could still come back for a season or two… Alan took some time out because he was trapped in a cursed ancient board game. Brett, took Wrangler Jeans to the top of the denim world… Real. Comfortable. Jeans™. I’m sure you’ll agree, the similarities between these two great men’s stories is baffling. They can do anything, including willing the Packers to win – please and thanks, Brett. "

Commish says: You just made a real live pick comment connecting Brett Favre's comeback potential to a safari-themed board game movie. WE ARE NOT WORTHY!

@TimTebowsBible (Panthers): "The Book of Tebow 1:3 - Option pass/run, big quarterback, winner. That doesn't describe a tight end... no sportscaster... no baseball player... (sigh) It describes Cam Newton... Panthers in a close one"

Commish says: You've started a revolution (see next comment). How many next week? HOW MANY?!

@TebowTakeTheWheel (Patriots): "Tebow Tidbits: Tim Tebow is the youngest of five children and threw two glorious touchdowns for the Patriots in 2013."

Commish says: If we're gonna overtake the Tebow gossip blog cottage industry, WE NEED MORE JUICE!

@GTdaLEGEND (Patriots): "The great philosopher John Tortorella once said, "Safe is death." Well, I'm playing it safe. GTdaLEGEND is dead. Long live GTdaLEGEND. (Can we get Torts in BFIG next season? And did I just refer to myself in the BFIG-handle-third-person?)"

Commish says: You mean BFIGHTP, right? EASY ACRONYMS! What would Torts' handle be?

@gvb3 (Packers): "Rule number 1: The Packers will beat the Cincinnati Bungles this weekend. Rule number 2: This really isn't a rule, but gvb3 has the right to state this whenever he pleases. Rule number 3: Aaron Rodgers is very, very good at football. Rule number 4: Somebody get Aaron in the pool!!!!"

Commish says: Rule #5: 3% of the people in BFIG will understand the full nuance of this comment. Rule #6: @GVB3 FOR PRESIDENT!!!

@James_hunter (Packers): "Ok Commish. This will prove conclusively whether or not the team I pick matters at all. Week 1 I take the heavily favored Falcons over the hapless Bears. Despite their best efforts the Falcons won by 3 because the Bears can't catch a game winning td to save their lives. Week 2, I take the mediocre (yet still heavily favored) Cardinals over the abysmal Colts. The Cards tried so hard to lose that game, yet they still sent it to overtime, where Jacoby Brisket threw the game away. Again, I win by 3. I'm calling it right now. Packers by 3 in a nail biter over the "Suddenly competent for one game" Cincinnati Bungles."

Commish says: Every year, we have at least one "How the f*** are they still alive?!" contender. Tons of candidates with that CHI-ARI pick line thus far. In 2010, that person (Ken Sofer) won it all AND made it through without a heart attack.

@jeffcchavez (Patriots): "I've never made it to week 3 before. One thing I have learned through life is make small achievable goals. Then build on that success. Coming into this survivor pool week 3 was my small achievable goal. Next year week 4 will be my goal. Based on this plan I fully expect to be BFIG champ 2030. And by then the payout should be a cool 6 figures. Patriots is the pick! And tell myself on sunday "Rest easy Jeff you hit your 2017 BFIG goal!""

Commish says: Six figures? In 2030, Brett Favre will be SZN Poobah, the #1 App Store app will be SZN's survivor-themed version of Around The Horn, and BFIG's champ will take home $10,000,000. SMALL ACHIEVABLE GOALS!

@Sleuth (Steelers): "As a Ravens fan, picking the Steelers kind of makes me feel dirty. Not the kinky kind of "ooh baby, you're dirty" dirty. More like that time I saw a guy fall into a trough urinal at an outdoor festival, dirty. The only good news about it was he was too drunk to care, and if I win $50k, I think I'll be too drunk to care too (about picking the steelers). I'll definitely care about the prize money. I suppose if I do somehow come out on top this year, I'll conveniently forget about this pick and I'll probably start running around my house alternating between yelling "woohoo!" at the top of my lungs and "F*** the steelers" loud enough that my wife will probably throw something at me. But I won't care. The steelers suck. They deserved it. Time to stock up on mimosas and bloody marys so I can enjoy that 9:30 Ravens game and try to forget that I made this pick."

Commish says: You definitely aren't enjoying the Ravens game, and you definitely made this pick. Be here all week!

@ktenney12 (Packers): "After much deliberation I finally settled on the Green Bay Packers as my pick for this week. I must admit, the Packers haven't exactly set the world on fire, so far, this season. But this is more of a pick against Andy Dalton than a pick for Green Bay. After 2 games this season, the Bengals have yet to score a TD, and they have already fired their coordinator. Which tells me what that front office is really saying is, we wish we could fire Andy Dalton but we can't, so we're doing this. And judging by how fast Andy went from meh, to straight up awful, it seems that if you wanna make Andy Dalton look mediocre, you better be an excellent coordinator. There's no way I would trust the dude to be the QB of my football team, and I'm a Vikings fan whose top 2 quarterbacks seem to have a good leg and a half between the two of them. Last season, I pondered what would have to happen to make me pick the Browns over the Patriots (I failed at coming up with anything, despite my best efforts). This season I asked myself what job would I trust Andy Dalton to do? Would you trust him to sell your house? Or how about to catch a mouse? I would not trust him selling my house. I would not trust him to catch a mouse How about if he took over for the local zookeeper? Or perhaps he could be a modern day street sweeper? I would not trust him to be in charge of the zoo. I would not trust to keep the streets clean too. Do you think he’s capable of tending bar? What about repairing a car? I dare say if he ran a bar all the patrons would stay sober. While if you dropped your car off for repairs in February he’d probably taken until October. They say those who can’t do, teach, Surely he could at least do that, or do you think that’s a reach? His lectures would be as inspiring as those of a leach, Forget finding victory this guy couldn’t find sand at the beach. What about as a sailor in the navy? If he changed his occupation to CPA would everything be gravy? His ship would sink before ever setting sail, If he did your taxes you’d surely end up in jail. Would he make a good middle school custodian? Or how about creating kids shows for Nickelodeon? He can’t even get the ball to AJ Green, how can we trust him to keep the school clean? Not to be mean, but the guy seems as creative as the BYU Conduct Dean Does he have the makings of a half decent baker? Maybe he could get a job at a golf course as the caretaker? I would not trust him to make a half decent pie. Just like Cincy’s Super Bowl odds, any horticulture he’s in charge of surely would die Can we trust him to be an auctioneer? Are we sure he didn’t miss his calling and isn’t truly meant to be an engineer? Any auction he’s in charge of would devolve into a rumble, And I fear any bridge he designs would surely crumble. I would not trust Andy Dalton to sell my house. I would not trust him to catch a mouse. I would not trust him as a zookeeper, Nor do I think he has what it takes to be a street sweeper. I would not trust him as my bartender, Or even consider using him as my auto repair vendor. Forget about him as teacher, accountant or sailor, He’s as likely to succeed in those jobs as he is to be the next Norman Mailer. I would not trust to be a kids’ custodian, Or to create quality programming for them to watch on Nickelodeon. I don’t think he has the right stuff to be a baker, And certainly wouldn’t trust him as a golf course caretaker. I would not let him run my auction, And am dubious he could engineer any sort of concoction. I do not trust him here, or there, I do not trust him anywhere. I am sorry but I can’t help to find fault in, that red haired devil, Andy Dalton. "

Commish says: Do you understand that you just stumbled into the answer? Dalton could totally be the dude hawking revolutionary reading enhancements (read: Repackaged Dr. Seuss books) for three easy installments of $19.99!

@kyezrsoze (Steelers): "My son is now old enough to understand Dad jokes and young enough to find them entertaining...so now you get to suffer my marginal-at-best humor. Why can't a T-Rex do any pushups? Because it's dead. Steelers over Bears. "

Commish says: Can your weekly comment be you play-by-playing your Dad joke, followed by your son's response? THANKS.

@lancediamond22 (Steelers): "Looking for the 2nd Win in Soldier Field since 1934!"

Commish says: Next week: The story of Lance Diamond's first win at Soldier Field, in 1934.

@mcieslak2389 (Packers): "You heard it here first. This will be the game that finally costs Marvin Lewis his job. 69-11 Packers win. "

Commish says: Plus a Gronk tweet approving of this series of events?

@pmenchini (Packers): "Dating all the way back to week 3 of last year, I've had a code -- picking against the Browns. And, realistically, following that code has still yet to steer me wrong, given that I actually only got knocked out last year by making the biggest squid move of my life and accidentally picking the Browns (coincidentally, the week before they won). So this week, my plan was to stay true to my code, ride with the Colts and gather my moxie, and follow the path into week 4. But, while watching the highlights of last week's Colts meltdown, all I could think was "the Colts just pulled a Browns move." The same type of Browns move that's instilled in me, through so many weeks now, the confidence that, at the end of the day, the Browns would find a way to blow it. And so, now all I can think of that matchup is .... Browns v. Browns. Am I just trying to make myself feel better for straying from my code? Making an excuse to tell all of those that have respected me so much for staying true to myself for so long? Maybe. But at the end of the day, I know picking against the Browns will still be there for me in week 4. "

Commish says: I wish you the best of luck on this new, Browns-less frontier. I hope it's just as fruitful and brown as your last journey. Brownspeed, noble brownsman.

@stevejaklic (Packers): "You've been lied to. Chris Boland was featured in last weeks email stating he might be relocated to Seattle. This is as fictitious as Erick Fisco claiming he knows Peter Simones personally. Boland overheard that a coworker's best friend's cousin's boyfriend once watched a Sounders match and exploited this to get in the picks email. And lets be honest, Bo (the guy who once submitted multiple videos of him making buff chick roll ups to Rachel Ray) would never leave NY Pizza and Bagels. Picking the Packers to ensure making the email. Did I mention I love the Trojans (heh) and BLL.."

Commish says: Jaklic (that's what Bo and friends call you, right? I know all your nicknames), I'm featuring this to validate that yes, one year I received multiple pick comments with links to YouTube... cooking... videos. And we're not talking well-produced, highly followed cooking videos. We're talking dimly lit, poor audio homemade videos where you think, "This would probably be hilarious if I was drunk," then quickly realize that wouldn't be true, either.

@thrushtimothy (Packers): "First, I'd like to point out after years of trying I finally made it past week 2. No more spreadsheets, just pure sound logic like I have laid out below: For YEARS AND YEARS I've said how refreshing 14 BLLs are on a hot summer day. Summer = BLL + Titos, Winter = Jack + Dark Beer... The leaves are turning and the beer is getting darker. Oktoberfest has arrived. We are now in the Christmas of beer season. Celebration Oktoberfest = beer drinking. Beer drinking = Wisconsin, which means the Pack are a lock this week. It's science."

Commish says: So when it starts staying dark until 7am, and it's Tuesday and you have to ice off your damn windshield, does that mean you grab a 13% ABV nutmeg stout and pick the Browns?

@trevorpipkin (Patriots): "Tom Brady doesn't follow the rules that society puts forth for him. Tom Brady doesn't let the world tell him 40 is too old to play QB. Tom Brady pees in the sink because the world tells him to pee in the urinal. This week Tom Brady will be Tom Brady, and the Texans, they will be the sink."

Commish says: I'd bet good money SOMEONE in Boston made a shirt "Tom Brady pees in the sink #OneForTheThumb"

@WhoLikesTurnips (Steelers): "@jjhauser11 doesn't know Giorgio."

Commish says: SAY IT ISN'T SO, JJ! (Giorgio still hasn't accepted my friend request.)

@mbrensel (Patriots): "Last night I was randomly at a bar where I saw the absolute legendary ex- warriors assistant coach, Brian Scalbrini. We had a nice chat. He went from telling me that Michael Rapaport is a terrible basketball player and that THE PATRIOTS WILL 100% BEAT THE TEXANS. i went on to stroke his beard for good luck ( Man that thing is luscious!!) COME ON YOU GINGY IRISHMAN"

Commish says: Easily the weirdest comment of the week. But you know what'd change this from weird to borderline Pick Comment Hall of Fame? A photo of you stroking the beard of my fellow USC alum, Scalabrine, while wearing a shirt that says "COME ON YOU GINGY IRISHMAN." Go make it happen, man. Go make it happen.

@ColonRingworm (Ravens): "I was messing around with all the new features on the site and decided to check my stats against all my friends. Here’s how I stack up against my 4 friends. 5) @40ozToFreedom – Joined 2013, 17 all-time wins, 0 trophies. 4) @jar_swaggy – Joined 2016, 45 all-time wins, 0 trophies. 3) @TheGM – Joined 2015, 93 all-time wins, 0 trophies. 2) @ColonRingworm – Joined 2016, 93 all-time wins, 1 trophy (plus 3 Bachelor comment trophies). 1) @TheCommish – Joined 2009, 134 all-time wins, 2 trophies. This leads me to 3 conclusions. First, I need to get more friends. 4 is pretty pitiful, especially when 2 of them are basically “Tom from Myspace” default adds (please @ me, I’m lonely). Second, my only goal this year is to break the tie with TheGM and inch closer to overtaking TheCommish. And third, where is the all-time wins/trophies leaderboard? What about a wins-per year leaderboard?"

Commish says: ALL OF THIS IS COMING. Get ready for the leaderboards of your dreams. It'll be THE #1 reason people play in our Bachelor competitions. (Besides #LOVE, of course.)

@Zackler (Packers): "When my girlfriend was looking over my shoulder, I chose Green Bay and she told me, "No. Choose Indianapolis." F***. Backstory: This used to only happen when I would select a team and she would tell me, "No. Pick the Seahawks." At first, I thought it was because she knew I was a Niners fan. But I came to find out that my girlfriend was "friends" with Robert Turbin in high school. And every time I hear her advise me on who to pick, I can only think of Lil Dicky's "Ex Boyfriend" and Robert Turbin's gigantic...biceps. If the Packers lose and the Colts win thanks to a Robert Turbin vultured goal-line TD at home in the last drive of the game, there will be no more BLLs left in NYC."

Commish says: You knew what my response was gonna be, right? Hey, @Zackler's girlfriend, your buddy, Robert - GET HIM IN THE POOL!!!

@Twert23 (Packers): "Cincinnati is a dumpster fire loaded with that guacamole Rob Norwood can't stand! Toxic bad! They will get it going, but not this week. "

Commish says: ... you mean Daltomole?

@OJ4MVP (Patriots): "@SaltyDalty said "If the Jets beat the Dolphins, I'll get a Jets tattoo on an ass." I have it screenshotted and I need you, Commish, to use your notorizing or religious or whatever powers you have to make this legally binding."

Commish says: BFIG Rule #3: If it's printed, it's gospel. HI SALTYDALTY!

@tim_schlueter (Packers): "I would gladly get eliminated if the Bengals beat the Pack in Lambeau this week #SKOL"

Commish says: This might be the strongest Hedge of Happiness game I've ever seen. Lots of Vikings fans populating our ranks!

@tmikoliet (Rams): "11:00 AM on Thursday: This is the last week we can be confident in the Rams, right? (Confidence meter: high) 1:00 PM Thursday: RIGHT?! (Confidence meter: even) 4:00 PM Thursday: *Me frantically asking buddies how many weeks this thing usually lasts; is it worth it to take a risk early?* (Confidence meter: very low) 4:30 PM Thursday: I hear the commish says never pick divisional opponents and never pick away teams - I find that most betting advice is best ignored. (Confidence meter - even) With no confidence, I am going with my gut."

Commish says: Confidence-in-@tmikoliet's-Confidence-Meter-Meter: OFF THE CHARTS

@tjd194 (Patriots): "Maybe JJ Watt can raise money to recruit Drew Brees to Houston next. "

Commish says: Wait, this should DEFINITELY happen. How much would the Saints need? $10M and a low round draft pick? Does anyone know JJ? Given the age, geography, and college affiliation breakdown of this place, I bet someone knows JJ. Tell him it must happen, then send Commish evidence of your doing.

@tacc22 (Steelers): "My favorite part of this whole thing is reading the commish's comments to other people's comments. I may even have to try a BLL sometime. "

Commish says: And you know what, tacc? That BLL is gonna be on me. CUE THE SAPPY MUSIC!

@gkelley (Patriots): "F*** Cows"

Commish says: It's about that time...

@Adbisme14 (Vikings): "I saw a really hot blonde chick wearing purple and I took that as a sign to go with the Vikings. Hot chicks have never let me down before. Plus the Vikings are at home and look good right now. So I'll use them up before one or two key injuries ruin their season. Plus if winterfell was a real place, I know I'd find it in Minnesota. Ps- dire wolves are real."

Commish says: Yup, we're getting closer...

@mtblum23 (Rams): "F*** F*** F*** I chose the Rams"

Commish says: Getting very close...

@Chibear75 (Steelers): "This is the truth, the Pittsburgh Steelers ended my season last year with a heartbreaking loss. Big Ben on the road this week is a disaster waiting to happen. Bell is averaging 3.2 yards a carry and the Bears Defense is allowing opponents running backs exactly 3.2 yards a carry. Why am I even giving the Steelers a second thought against my beloved DUMPSTER FIRE of a team DA BEARS. I am going to tell you all this, IF THE STEELERS SCREW ME OVER 2 YEARS IN A ROW I am going to fly to their god forsaken city, drink 6 bud lights (my favorite beer) have 3 shots of Malort (a Chicago tradition, and if you have not had it I will tell you this, it taste like a urinal cake that has been sitting in Wrigley field since 1908, with a mixture of earwax and feet), I will than Smirnoff Ice myself 5 times, then chase the Smirnoff Ice with 3 fireball shots and finally smoke one Lucky Strike unfiltered, before throwing up all over down town Pittsburgh. After throwing up all over the city that supports a team that is going to bend me over 2 years in a row, I will proceed to go to Heinz Field (in a Uber of course, I do not condone drinking and driving) and piss all over the stadium while cursing Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers to a 108 year championship drought. I guess what I am saying is, Hey Pittsburgh Steelers...... DONT NOT PISS ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Commish- I am a man of my word if Pittsburgh loses you can hold me to what I said I would do. "

Commish says: This is printed. I hope to god it doesn't happen. And that's all for this week! Good luck, everyone!

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