Prognosticating Patrons of Pete,

Commish just penned my best-ever "Fast Facts" section. But first. FIRST...

The Seattle Seahawks are not a good football team. The Seattle Seahawks have long been a very good football team. The Seattle Seahawks might still be a good football team. But the Seattle Seahawks are not a good football team.

The "right now" vs. the "yeah, but" has us staring at nearly half of us picking a 1-2 team with maybe the decade's worst offensive line. But... BUT... let Commish take us back.

It was easy to be starry eyed and willfully indoctrinated. USC was the back-to-back national champs. USC was Bush and Leinart and White (and Rey and Clay and Keith and Taylor). USC was Los Angeles lights.

Perhaps most of all, USC was Pete.

I remember the first drum beat sequence. It was the 2005 season opener's third quarter. In the first quarter, USC had scored four touchdowns on eight plays that gained 261 yards against an SEC defense. The score was 49-10. It was fourth-and-6 on the Arkansas 40.

(Thump thump thump) ... (Thump thump thump). Then I heard it - and saw it. The entire stadium - not just the student section - was holding both arms in the air, palms turned to the sky as if they were holding something sizable. As one arm dropped, the other one lifted. Up down up. Down up down.

"Big Balls Pete! Big Balls Pete!" It was, and remained so long as he stalked the sideline, the loudest non-touchdown cheer you'd hear.

And it is, and will remain, the most fitting way to remember Pete's USC years. On the heels of seven straight touchdown drives, 90,000 people are screaming - begging - Pete to go for it on fourth down... by boasting about the size of his manhood. Leinart hit White for 10 yards, and two plays later it was 56-10.

You loved USC or you hated USC. There was no in-between. And whether it's coincidence or not (hint: probably not), that polarity has transferred to the Seahawks.

The Seahawks have a mystique that few - if any - teams outside the Patriots have. We'll believe they're good until several weeks (or months) after they're not. For all intents and purposes (see below), Pete never lost back-to-back games at USC. Seattle has come about as close as you can in the NFL to doing the same.

The Colts have been awful. Probably worse than the Seahawks. But 13 points worse (the Vegas line)? Big Balls Pete.

WEEK 4 PICKS AND FAST FACTS

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WEEK 4 AWARDS

"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award

The SZN's third most prestigious award, behind the BFIG Title Belt and the Haynesworth Hustle Award. You can't win BFIG without showing a little Moxie!

The Giants are 0-3. The Giants offense has played well in one of 12 quarters. The Giants are playing a road game. YAHTZEE!!

@tstrack1 (Giants): "It's weeks like this where heros are made. I am a member of a BFIG group chat, where we all talk strategy and discuss our weekly picks. Based on this sample size, 100% of the survivor pool will be riding on the Seahawks this week. Now, in a previous life, I would jump aboard the Russy Wil train, but I've just got a gut feeling and I don't think it's the cheesy gordita crunch I just ate. My gut tells me the colts are going to pull some tomfoolery, topple the hawks this week, and eliminate approximately 99% of the pool. I'll ride off into the sunset with a case of BLLs on the back of my favorite team, the New York Giants, led by two time Super Bowl MVP, Eli Manning. "

Commish says: YES. ALL OF IT YES. (But, dude, the cheesy gordita crunch was a factor, too.)

Commish Communication Award

Quite simply, this is BFIG's best weekly comment (or two)

@mlyman (Chiefs): "I started my modelling career at the age of two in my local Nordstrom fashion show. I was carrying a balloon. I was adorable. I took a 15-year hiatus before returning to the runway in my high school's charity fashion show (the Los Gatos Wildcats. We produced Trent Edwards). Some parent had some connection to the San Francisco 49ers, which meant that they managed to get QB Alex Smith to show up in a suit, walk down the catwalk, and throw a football into the crowd. I took a picture with him. I've been an Alex Smith fan ever since. I was deeply upset over the way Jim Harbaugh treated Alex, and, as a result, couldn't fully get on board with Colin Kaepernick. Needless to say, I'm no Kendall Jenner, but roses are red, violets are blue, I love Alex Smith so much, I'll pick his team too."

Commish says: What are the odds Alex remembers this fashion show? What are the odds he felt objectified and would rather have worn that fall's hottest looks? What are the odds Alex would join The SZN if you asked him? What are the odds you could ask him? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award

When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL. Can you convince anyone that your pick is the right pick? Then I bet you could sell Bengals tickets, too!

@Aburnham (Seahawks): "Since 2015 Seattle leads the NFL after a loss with a 10-2 record, including being 6-0 since 2016. "

Commish says: In 2001, Pete Carroll inherited a pretty damn mediocre USC team. They went 1-4 in their first five games before finishing 6-6. After that first month - so, October 2001 through December 2009 - Pete Carroll's USC teams NEVER lost back-to-back games. Wild.

Definitely Not Concussed Award

Can you teach us something new? No, there are no rules. Just teach us something. Anything. Please?

@aweb35 (Jaguars): "I'm trying really really really really really hard to convince myself to pick my Jags over the Jets. But it's on the road after flying back from London and the Jets did just win... also Blake Bortles just had his best game ever, he is good for at least two picks this week right? If the Falcons lose, it's obviously now my fault. This was my original comment with a Falcons pick, but F it, BORTLES!!!!!!!!!!! Also I just want more people to see this: twitter.com/BigCatCountry/status/913154685938388993

Commish says: That was the most strangely captivating video I've ever seen. I'm... going to watch it again? WHAT IS MY LIFE? (Side note: This is one of my favorite pick comment varieties. The "I'm making this boring pick because... NOPE I'M GOING FOR IT!")

THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'

Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.

@crashfu14 (Cowboys): "Rule 27(1), subparagraph (b), when you are flowing heavy and your favorite velour tracksuit is in the wash, always choose the Dallas Cowboys. "

Commish says: For whatever reason, I have a vision of Jerry Jones, at his next press conference, being read this pick comment. "Your thoughts, Jerry?"

Paige's companion in BFIG absurdity, Rob, dropped out in Week 2. He'll be back in Week 5 for the Second Chance Pool!

DAVID MICK'S IRRATIONAL AND INEVITABLE MARCH TOWARD THE TITLE BELT

@mick's logic is awful. His enthusiasm is fantastic. His rationality is poor. His charisma is off the charts. David Mick is a walking paradox. David Mick will also, inevitably, be our champion.

@mick (Falcons): "Oh man I was basically 2 minutes away from the perfect plan last weekend... I even had my BFIG response locked and loaded about how much of a pickem wizard I am. It would of also knocked out my wife and both inlaws... but Brady and rodgers happened. Honestly being a bears fan I should be used to Rodgers happening but it just stings every time. That's ok though because the bears got Rodgers tonight and like i said last week the pack is always good for a home loss early in the season. So I'll be on the bears.... just kidding. I'm taking the Falcons. Everyone talking about the Bills being good but they cant score enough to stay with ATL. Last week Ryan threw 3 picks and they still put up 30 points. The bills only had 2 picks against Siemian and they only put up 26 points. Ryan way better than him so ATL easily wins this game. Two other poor popular picks will be Seatlle and Dallas Seattle is playing awful right now against a pretty scrappy indy team. Indy wins. Dallas allowed over 118 yards to CJ Anderson when Denver beat them. I see the Rams winning and Gurley going for 2 hundo against them. Go ahead and put him in all your DFS lineups. As far as my superbowl bet goes if I can get to Vegas or Dover I'll certainly be on the BEARS to win it all!!!! The only problem is I wont be there before tonight and after the BEARS win they are probably going to be the favorites to win it all! Family update... Everyone still in... but it think we lose some this week. The pressure is starting to get to them."

Commish says: Your weekly (annual? first-ever?) reminder that you can place sports bets in Dover. Also, my entire family is out. Your entire family is in. WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?!

MORE PICK COMMENTS

@skithebert (Seahawks): "You look like a guy who wears a fedora and suspenders and plays upright bass in a bluegrass jam band."

Commish says: THANK YOU I LOVE YOU TOO!

@Tastik (Packers): ""Fookin terrible call. Fookin terrible." Gotta run the immortal words of Aaron Rodgers on repeat until it's time to rise and grind for yet another workday. I'm 0-4 in my trips to Lambeau as a Bears fan, so why not keep the streak going? The best part will be the $8 beers to drown out any more fleeting hopes of a winning season. Cheers!"

Commish says: I asked Aaron what he felt about your commitment to Bears games at Lambeau. "Fookin respect that guy. Fookin respect."

@teddychase (Packers): "NO F***ING WAY THE BEARS WIN 2 IN A ROW! STOP THIS NONSENSE!"

Commish says: I also asked Aaron about this. "THAT'S WHAT I'M FOOKIN TALKIN' 'BOUT. WHAT FOOKIN 'BOUT!!!"

@mcieslak2389 (Seahawks): "What happens if they wear their new alternate logo? Can I rescind this pick? No way they win a game while wearing that garbage logo. What the hell is with that thing anyway? Is it two birds humping each other? Is it one mean one? Is there a giant wiener hiding somewhere in there? Who the hell knows. Only thing I know is that if they march on to the field wearing those things, I am going to be scared shitless."

Commish says: (They have an alternate logo? Looks it up...) My god. Oh, no. No no no.

@andrewkleinhenz (Packers): "Whoever picked the jets last week deserves mass respect. Just sayin'."

Commish says: Right? I've always been perplexed by the people who make picks like that Jets pick last week and don't comment. Are they silent assassins who know something the rest of us don't? Are they blackout drunk? MORE THEORIES!!!

@The_Great_Corn_Julio (Packers): "While i would love to discuss my pick, can we just talk about the ONE absolute legend who picked the Jets to beat the Dolphins last week?! Who is this mystery master of moxie? What did he know? Is it Fireman Ed?! DOES ANYONE KNOW FIREMAN ED?!"

Commish says: GET ED IN THE POOL!!!

@sommerszg (Bengals): "As a born and raised Cincinnatian but lifelong Colts fan, I regret that I can't pick Lej Jacoby to take down the Seagulls because I already used the Shoe last week against the Poops. So gimme dem Bungles. Vontaze will be great in his return for 2.5 quarters before he gets ejected for intentionally breaking someone's femur. Bungles hold on for the win. Also, JACOBY"

Commish says: This is the comment we'd send in our time capsule to the aliens

@trevorpipkin (Packers): "Last week: Tom Brady was making toilets out of Texans. This week: Mike Glennon mistakes his helmet for a sink when trying to emulate Tom Brady's philosophy. "

Commish says: This turned out to be... accurate? WHAT SAY YOU NEXT WEEK, PHILOSOPHER PIPKIN?

@Sir_Borand (Packers): "I'd rather have cheese on my head than a bear on my head."

Commish says: Can someone please produce the Mascot Headgear Power Rankings? Thx.

@lgjendem (Seahawks): "I've put myself in a bit of a pickle. Had this website been around 20 years ago, my conundrum would have made it to a Seinfeld episode. When looking over my picks, I have unknowingly chosen all bird teams thus far. Not good. Do I continue with the trend? Do I buck the system? Knowing that there are only 5 bird teams, I'm down to the hawks and the Ravens, and there is a 0% chance I am trusting the Ravens to beat the Steelers. So what happens if I don't choose the Seahawks? Voodoo magic from the football gods? Automatic loss? Spooky."

Commish says: Week 5: Ravens at Raiders. It isn't just Moxie, man. It's DESTINY.

@kbanaian (Falcons): "Years ago I ran a pick-em league for friends, including a few guys who wanted the camaraderie but knew nothing about football. (I currently play in a league at church with my wife, who also fits this description, but at least she tries to read something before choosing.) Everyone put coffee money in each week, winner take all with rollovers for ties. We have rollovers for 4 weeks in a row, and then one of these know-nothings wins, beating the field by 2 picks. We asked him how he did it. "Oh, I have themes each week. Sometimes I just pick the larger mascot over the smaller one. Primary colors over secondary. East Coast over West. I think about the theme all week, then pick one and enter my selections." So part of me thinks this is a blind squirrel finding an acorn. Except this blind squirrel finds acorns twice more in the season. My lesson? Don't over think this. On SZNmageddon Week (tm), I have the one team that was begging to lose but pulls one out in Cheeseland. I should be dead, but I'm alive. Don't overthink this. Birds eat prairie animals. Go Dirty Birds!"

Commish says: Years ago (like, middle school), I made pick'em picks for this girl in my homeroom. I f***ing aced it. 13/13 (six teams on bye). I gleefully awaited my crowning moment - and heavier pockets - on Monday morning. She doesn't even mention it. So, on Tuesday, I bring it up. "Thanks for the money, Peter!!!" It took me 10 years to do another pick'em.

@FitzPicks (Seahawks): "Step 1: Check who the Browns are playing...Oh no, the sucky Bengals! Step 2: Check who the Jets are playing...Oh no, the "are they still sucky?" Jaguars! Step 3: Check to see who the Colts are playing...Oh, good the Seahawks! Step 4: Check to see if Andrew Luck is playing...oh good he's not. Step 5: Lock in the Seahawks at home in primetime."

Commish says: Step 6: Call Fitz; Step 7: Ask Fitz for FitzPicks; Step 8: Get hung up on

@bbroeker6 (Bengals): "Seems like a risky pick taking a team on the road but the bright side is that the sooner I get bumped the sooner I can start looking for a girlfriend."

Commish says: You're doing it all wrong. Pick the Browns and put your phone number in the pick comment!

@andrewwehner (Seahawks): "Is Russell Wilson struggling? Yes. Does Jacoby Brissett look like a poor man's Mike Vick (2010 version)? Yes. The Seahawks offense has looked inept for most of the year, and the Colts just put up 31 on the Browns last week. Why am I picking the Seahawks? Because they finally learned they have a TE that is an athletic freak and multiple options at WR that are more than capable of catching a ball. However scary it is that those balls are being thrown by Russell Wilson, there is no way Seattle loses this game"

Commish says: Are you the guy who lists out all the reasons a team will lose so that, if they do lose, you can say F*** I TOLD YOU SO. F***!

@Jfrain99 (Packers): "On Sunday, when you send the email, and I've been eliminated due to the epic defeat of the Packers by the Cohen-led Bears, I'd like everyone to know that at 8:19 PM I knew in my heart that this was a bad pick. "

Commish says: @Jfrain99, haaaave you met @andrewwehner?

@chrisboland62 (Patriots): "First off, this weekly email is brewing quite the discord between our group of friends. Much like when Stevejaklic tried to use an illegal putter in our Third Annual Amy Winehouse Memorial Golf Tournament, are you kidding me Steve. The same tourney in which Steve single handedly got us banned from this particular golf course in New Jersey. Couldn't believe the disgrace to Amy. Also, he had the audacity to lie to you, THE COMMISH, and say did I mention "I love the Trojans". THE GUY WENT TO PENN STATE. Oh and the dude drinks Coors Lights, not BLLs. Hate the Pats, but taking them this week. Bo out."

Commish says: Do I even want to know what Jaklic used as a putter? (Thinking...) You're f***ing right I want to know.

@ckingtcu (Cowboys): "I can only imagine what America's team has in store at home during this madness. I'm assuming that Jerry will leap off the enormous scoreboard and be caught fireman-style by the giant American flag covering the field. Followed by fireworks and a Toby Keith rendition of God Bless America. "

Commish says: "Wow; what a display. Let's toss it to Howie and Terry... and Denny Green?" ... "Jerry is who we thought he was. Back to you guys."

@Sverige17 (Seahawks): "Bill Barnwell thinks homefield advantage is a lie, but I can confidently say the 12th Man will have more of an impact on this game than Andrew Luck. Advantage: Seachickens"

Commish says: Yeah but what about Andrew Luck's beard? You know it's its own independent being, right? (Also, does Barnwell say it's a lie, or just that it's more the refs providing an advantage than anything else?)

@James_hunter (Buccaneers): "What to do when every team you pick turns into the Cardiac Kids? When even picking Green Bay against the lowly Bungles still results in an overtime field goal victory? Sure, I could see just how far this can go by picking the 13 point favorite Seahawks at home against the Luckless Colts, but that has TRAP written all over it in big neon letters. How on earth does a team with no offensive line get favored by 13 over a team with the same record as them? No, the only reasonable thing to do at this point is to turn to the Gods. The Football Gods are harsh masters. In order to properly receive their blessing one must pick according to their Commandments. Honor thy Homefield Advantage. Do not chose the Divisional Matchup, as they are a false idol. Record matters more than perception. With this in mind, I believe I have picked the best possible matchup. Tampa Bay, at home, over the New Jersey Giants. In the name of the Lombardi, the Landry, and the Levy, please let it not be a 3 point game in the last seconds of the 4th quarter or overtime."

Commish says: Or... please DO let it be a 3-point Bucs win in overtime? Given the small amount of Bucs pickers, you'd be THE "how the f*** are they still alive?" contender this year. BE THE LEGEND!

@jjhauser11 (Packers): "Our fantasy football league (which has many members also active in BFIG) has an excellent rule that I think you should consider for the SZN. Every week, the losers of the previous week's matchups have to film themselves shotgunning a beer and send the video to our group text. If that video is not sent (and thus the beer is not shotgunned) before the Thursday night game, you forego your flex position the following week. It's already caused wonderfully heated controversy, uprooted some previously repressed childhood memories and brought decades-long friendships to the brink of extinction. I think a modified version of the rule would be well received here as well. Here's how it would work. If you don't shotgun your beer, you cannot pick a favorite the following week. Surely this would be a simple addition to BFIG? I know you've got plenty of time to review shotgun videos every week. Plus, the SZN clearly has the financial footing to invest in facial recognition technology. Think of the BLL sponsorship deals!!! This is the kind of forward-thinking innovation we expect from today's leaders and I trust that as our fearless Commish, you'll make the right call here. "

Commish says: "Hey, I have this excellent idea that's produced nothing but horrible consequences for years on end. BE THE VISIONARY LEADER WE NEED!!!" Deal for you, man: I'll consider this idea the moment GIORGIO accepts my friend request. (Sniffle.) I gotta go.

@Theonlymaltbie (Packers): "It is incomprehensible to me that @jjhauser11 would LIE just to get mentioned in the commish's email. If your friend request hasn't been accepted yet, he's clearly full of steaming hot garbage and deserves to be banned w/o a refund. #BanJJHAUSER11 #hashtag"

Commish says: #BANJJHAUSER11 #BANHIM #F***GIORGIO #HiGiorgioStillPlzAcceptMyRequest

@kphernetton07 (Seahawks): "My friend Chuck talked me out of picking the Packers. I live and die by my friend Chuck. "

Commish says: Chuck doesn't seem so wise. I'm not sure about Chuck.

@ktenney12 (Seahawks): "When I was around 5 or 6 my dad worked with this guy named Al, from what he could tell from work Al was a bit odd but an overall nice guy. One day he invited my dad to bring the whole family over to use his pool and water slide. When we arrived at Al's house we discovered head sawed off an entire tree limb and put it inside a huge cage across the hall from his front door, in the cage Al was keeping a raccoon as pet. We made 2 trips to Al's house that day, our first and our last. Despite Al's bitching water slide we never returned. Later on at work, Al told my dad a story about his father. Al's father was named Alabama, (yes his legal name was honestly Alabama, and no he was not from Alabama, no idea where it came from, I can only assume he was conceived while his parents played Sweet Home Alabama), was going through a divorce from Al's mother. It wasn't looking good for ol' Alabama in the proceedings and he seemed destined to lose the house once everything was finalized. Not wanting his wife to get the house, Alabama came over one day when no one was home and loaded everything he cared about into his truck. He then walked through the house pouring gasoline throughout every room, lit a match, tossed it, called his wife to let her know what he did, and stood outside watching it burn. His wife arrived shortly before the fire department and proceeded to berate him and tell him how he was going to jail for burning the house down. When the fire department arrived she ran over to the fire chief screaming that Alabama had burnt the house down and to arrest him. When the fire chief asked Alabama if this was true, he readily admitted it. The fire chief then informed Alabama that this was arson and he was going to be arrested. At this point Alabama revealed that he had called the insurance company in the morning since the policy was still in his name, and canceled all his coverage, and as the ownership the house was still also in his name he was able to instruct the fire chief to make no effort to stop the house from burning down. The fire chief had to inform Alabama's wife that there was nothing they could do and no crime had been committed. So rather than see his soon to be ex-wife get anything, he burnt down everything. The reason I tell this story is I kinda feel like this is what former Indy GM Ryan Grigson did to the Colts. After the no-brainier move of picking Andrew Luck at 1, Grigson screwed up about every other decision. He left the Indianapolis as empty as a Roger Goodell statement, they're so depleted on talent that acquiring Jacoby Brissett and letting him start at QB six days later was actually an upgrade. I'm fully convinced the only way someone could have screwed up a team so bad, is by sensing their job was about to be taken from them and instead of trying to save it, just burning everything to the ground. "

Commish says: Tenneyyyyyyy. My first thought: "My god, is that true?" My second thought: "F***; you can't google that. What am I gonna type, 'Alabama burn house down'???"

@kwdymo (Seahawks): "I went to college with TY Hilton. We used to tailgate before home games with his parents in the parking lot and I am 100% positive the "T" "Y" he does with his arms after touchdowns originated after a friend of mine and I dominated TY's old man in a game of cornhole. To celebrate we just started doing the T and the Y and chanting it out. Probably too many BLL's. TY was always kind enough to wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook. This year as I turned 31 and was scrolling through my Facebook feed thanking my Aunt Sharon for the wishes and liking friends "Happy Birthday" posts so they know I saw them and appreciated it, I noticed a certain NFL receiver missing. No birthday wish. No text. Not even a poke. Seahawks by 10. Sent Richard Sherman a friend request this morning. I'll keep you posted. "

Commish says: I just tried to friend Richard, too, and got "Unable to Send Friend Request. This person has reached the friend request limit and can't accept any more." You ruined it for me, man. GIORGIOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

@mwilliams7018 (Seahawks): "Well, I think this is the furthest I've ever made it in the SZN. 🙌🏼 Here are 2 things I think you should know: My favorite thing for the week is the addition of the SZN on my home screen. And I'm going to keep with my newest tradition. When I pick my team each week I will correlate my beer to whatever city/state that team resides. For instance this week I'm selecting the Seahawks therefore I'll be drinking the Star Dust IPA from Elysian Brewing Company. This beer is rated 3.92 out of 5. It's described as a "Totally Nebular IPA" with a bright and galactic Milky Way hue and starglow energy. I'm expecting the Seahawks to win in the fashion that this beer is described--a galactic win with big energy. "

Commish says: I can't wait for Pete Carroll to begin his postgame presser with, "Fired up. That was just a galactic win. Big energy," and the world spontaneously combusting. (Also: SZN on the home screen! Boom!)

@naughtontimothy (Bengals): "As a Ravens fan I hate the Bengals & the Browns. But I didn't think Cincinnati could possibly be as bad as they've looked, and a strong showing last week in a close loss makes me think they're on the uptick. Meanwhile, the Browns have never in their franchise history been described as "on the uptick". They're the downtick personified. You've got to take some risks during the season to have any good teams left in the end, so here we go BENGALS! (Famous last words)"

Commish says: DEPRESSINGLY ACCURATE BROWNS POETRY, CHAPTER VIII: "They're the downtick, personified."

@wagnerjpaul (Patriots): "I saw an article this week that read Cam Newton's body is starting to break down. I wish I had Donald Trump's number so I can ask him if this is fake news or not. Too late... I'll take the 'ageless wonder' Tom Brady at 40 years old over the 'deteriorating' Cam Newton at 28 years old please. If the Panthers win, this confirms the Vikings will be in Minneapolis for the Super Bowl come February. "

Commish says: Yeah but veganism, bro. Tom Brady Veganism. It mercilessly uggs all parasites in its path and never deflates your nutrients.

@alexmace4 (Falcons): "Commish, in case you don't have TMZ as your homepage, Kylie Jenner (unsure how she's famous) is apparently four months pregnant (also unsure how this is news). Where it gets interesting is the conspiracy theory that's circulating the web. Kylie has only been with her current bae for a month or two (Travis Scott - think he's a rapper). Weird that she would already be pregnant already after her split with Tyga a couple months prior. She's also like 20 so there's that as well. But her stepsister (or cousin idk) Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have a mystery surrogate for their upcoming child, enter Kylie. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Kimye's child is expected in January, which is exactly when Kylie would be due if she was in fact 5 months pregnant. In all fairness to MJ, Magic, and the NASA moon landing, this is the craziest conspiracy theory I've ever heard. ILLUMINATI."

Commish says: That's a pretty crazy theory (are you OK, man?), but you should probably consider it "second craziest"... because have you heard the rumors that I'm Brett Favre?

@aweinfield (Bengals): "Do you ever make a pick and then immediately question every choice you've ever made in life? Even worse, do you ever think about the fallout that could ensue from getting your pick wrong? What if I go into a state of mild depression? What if that has a effect on my work? What if I get fired because of it and can't feed my family? Well, then I realized I don't have a family to feed so F*** it!"

Commish says: **Changes "engals" to "rowns"** THERE I FIXED IT!

@Jmkahn (Cardinals): "Recently, (10) I was persuaded to perform (9) Karaoke. Much to my protest and hesitation, I (8) grabbed that mic. Prior to (7) this, I had to pick a song that I knew (6) would please the crowd, yet also allow me to (5) sing the least amount of words. It's (4) not that I'm some awful singer, I just don't like doing it when I'm not washing my (3) balls in the shower. I chose (2) Space Oddity by David Bowie. The crowd loved it, and I would have loved it too if I wasn't hand shakingly nervous (1) (Lift Off!!!). RIP Major Tom and David Bowie. Go Cards! and Go Eagles!"

Commish says: I can't believe you did this. Unrelated: We should have a Mad Libs pick comment contest, right? RIGHT.

@OJ4MVP (Seahawks): "@SaltyDalty update on the Jets booty tattoo: He is getting a temporary one. Yeah, kind of a cop out, I know, but what do you expect from someone who picks the dolphins? Is it allowable to post butt pics on here? "

Commish says: Best out-of-context line of the year so far: "Is it allowable to post butt pics on here?" In other news, since he's copping out, you must force him to do something else... like ask no fewer than five strangers at a bar if they want to see his Jets booty tattoo. I'll take a video of him doing that instead of the butt pic.

@etvedt (Texans): "Last week I had made a choice to take the Packers, then changed last minute to NE to make sure of moving forward. Both teams came within an eyelash of losing. I believe the Texans, who are not favored to win, despite pushing NE to the brink on the road, are recovering from the disruption of the hurricane, and getting used to D. Watson at QB. So I'm taking a risk on paper, but staying away from that bright shiny object that is the Packers at home vs. da bears."

Commish says: Shout-out for the moxie!!

@aross13 (Packers): "So last Sunday I used my hubby Big Doogie as a human punching bag because as a lifer Bungulz fan I truly had a glimmer of hope that maybe they would be able to pull off the upset and beat A ARON and the Pack. Once again those gorgeous blue/green eyes and the Cheshire cat grin schooled The Red Rifle on how to psych out and stomp the life out of a Marvin Lewis gang that can't shoot straight. Our daughters until this past Sunday ( 28 and 25 years old and both gorgeous I may say) never understood our heartache and sorrow that permeates the room whenever you talk about 1981 ,1988, 2005 and just about every year since.....until they experienced that 2nd 1/2 and OT loss...... Back to the Packers...its a LOVE HATE.... Last week I hated with the power of a thousand suns, this Sunday I love them as high as the sky and as deep as the sea !!!! Get me to next week A ARON"

Commish says: How has it taken you this many pick comments to reveal your husband's name is Big Doogie?

@Hatch17 (Seahawks): "I wonder how many that picked the Colts last week (like me) will pick against them this week? Worth a little moxie?"

Commish says: Your Colts pick? Yes. Your Seahawks pick? Bro.

@salgal (Seahawks): "There are a lot of horseshit games this week! There are also a lot of intra-conference games I don't want to touch with a 100-foot pole!! These two teams are less than stellar (to be generous), but Seattle gets that boost from the 12th man in the stands when playing at home so ... I'll be downing some booze with my fingers crossed Sunday night."

Commish says: Don't think I don't see that horseshit reference! @BigDaddy, you seeing this horseshit reference?!

@JFeld127 (Seahawks): "In Big Balls Pete we trust!"

Commish says: 1300 people pick Seattle, and this is the ONLY Big Balls Pete reference? What is this world coming to?!?

@Alamb (Seahawks): "Last week my phone told me the Packers lost. I spent a half hour coming to terms with the fact that I had been booted only to receive a text from my brother saying "the Packers are driving" and getting home just in time for overtime to watch my team once again win in overtime. I am hoping for a less dramatic conclusion this week. "

Commish says: You immediately destroyed your phone with a hammer, right? Your phone is no good. I hate your phone.

@daxbert (Chiefs): "1) I was born in Kansas City and my mother's maiden name is ___________. With the Equifax stuff, that information is likely less private and a 4th grader with dial-up could fill in the blank. 2) While the Seahawks are the 13 pt. favorite over the Colts, I just don't trust them to not bring the suck. Sure the Colts have a suck pressure differential of a 2017 Hurricane, but something just won't let me pick the Seahawks. Maybe I'm saving them when they play SF later in the year in a game that might actually have playoff considerations for the Hawks. 3) I'm a Dallas fan, which means I hate the Giants, Eagles and the Dumpster Fire. So: For now at least, I'm taking the Chiefs at home over the Dumpster Fire. I reserve the right to change this call."

Commish says: (Texts his 4th-grader cousin) ... Oh, man. That's an embarrassing maiden name, dude.

@rmm135 (Cardinals): "Is this going to be the worst football game of the week? Maybe. Will it be the worst game that I watch? Absolutely. I have zero interest in this game. None. Yet now I'm forcing myself to watch it. Some might say that makes it fun. My psychiatrist calls it masochism. Either way, I'm ALL IN on Brucey-Baby and his hip, new glasses. "

Commish says: I mean, you look GOOD, Brucey-Baby YEAH!!

@mcmullin3 (Jaguars): "A real Sophie's Choice here, picking against the Jets feels really good, but picking the Jags feels truly atrocious. Ah, eff it. No guts, no glory. BORTLES OR DIE!"

Commish says: BORTLEMANIA!!!

@Gh0st24 (Jaguars): "Why would anyone ever pick the Jaguars? Especially after a convincing win? It's literally the trappiest trap game to ever try and trap anyone. /submits pick"

Commish says: (Silenty nods head.)

@ekahn93 (Seahawks): "No cool person in the history of forever has ever made up a nickname for themselves and expected it to be cool. Sure enough, the epitome of uncool, the Seattle Seahawks and their self-proclaimed 12th man BS did just that. Seattle fans are not the loudest fans, not the meanest fans, or even the most distracting fans. Seahawk fans have the same bandwagon fandom as hundreds of teams before them. They had a good run a while back > they sucked for a while and lost most of their fans > they become relevant again > people start pulling their Sean Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck jerseys out from the back of their closets/attics and act like they’ve been there the whole time. (Just kidding, no one has a Hasselbeck jersey.) That doesn’t even include those who became a fan starting half way through the 2014 season. Russel Wilson and Andy Daulton are the faces you think of when someone mentions “uncool quarterbacks”. I can almost guarantee if some of the starters and Pete Carroll left the team tomorrow, they wouldn’t sell out the stadium for the next 4 years. Unless they hired Chip Kelly or something. Then people would show up just to see the shit show like a sub-15-minute total time of possession or that insanely annoying “time to play” clock that ticked down between plays because that didn’t get old after the first quarter. NO FOX, WE DON’T CARE THAT CHIP KELLY GETS HIS TEAM TO THE LINE FAST JUST TO GO 3 AND OUT 20 TIMES A GAME! Anyway, the Colts are a lost cause that doesn’t have the heart to tank, again. So, they’ll lose with “self-respect” or whatever. Pagano will be fired after this season – only 3 years too late. I already bet $50 on him and Marvin Lewis being the first coaches fired of the season. I will only be tuning into this Toilet Bowl at the 2 minute warning of the 4th quarter to see the Colts sideline looking sad and the entire Seahawks sideline trying to hold back Richard Sherman fighting with a ref over a play that doesn’t matter. I predict 12-0 Seahawks, and it will ruin everyone’s spread. "

Commish says: One of my favorite weekly traditions: Seeing how the Kahn family will weave Chip Kelly into EVERY pick comment they make. You know it's coming. YOU KNOW IT'S COMING!!!

@philliphutcheson (Chiefs): "I wrote a rant about washington's team name in this space and then decided this wasn't the place and deleted it. Go Chiefs? That doesn't feel a whole lot better. "

Commish says: Part of me wonders whether Cousins' contract is Snyder's way of deterring attention from the name debate. Is it just me or has talk of their name died down significantly the past few years? "OH HEY LOOK AT THE TOP-10 QB WE'RE REALLY ACTUALLY GOING TO FIND A WAY TO LOSE!"

@dkagan5 (Seahawks): "So funny story... or I guess not so funny if you're me. I run a ticket business where we sell sports, concerts and theatre tickets. [Insert very long story about making bank off a perfectly timed Seahawks season ticket purchase, only to see that bank disappear when Seattle abruptly changed its relationships with ticket brokers.] So now on a weekly basis, I sit back and simmer and root against the Seahawks on Sunday Ticket. But not this week my new friend! Is 50K the same as $1,000,000? F*** NO it isn't. You see how many zeroes there are in a million!? But 50K is still something and the Colts are the weakest team on the Seahawks home slate this year. So I'll join the 12th Man just for one more day and then after that... Pete Carroll can go fist himself for all I care."

Commish says: One time I invested in a publicly traded patent troll who was suing Google. If they won, I would have banked a few zeroes. Of course, I lost all my money. Would I bet on this patent troll again? If Pete Carroll was the CEO, you're damn right I would.

@Spagoo (Falcons): "My son was born this morning. I'm sleep deprived and haven't done any research. Figure it's safest to pick now while I still remember to make the pick."

Commish says: Congrats! Buy him a Favre jersey!!!

@lrjohnson1013 (Packers): "I hate picking Thursday night divisional games...but let's win me some 50K colts. JACOBY BRISSETT (is that how you spell his name?) IS THE TRUTH!!!! This pick brought to you by bachelor party BLLs."

Commish says: I am so, so confused. I'm also so, so in favor of this pick comment.

@BareHungBear (Falcons): "I hate the Falcons."

Commish says: Featuring this for your username.

@Tiny_Pink_Puffy_Bunnies (Packers): "When playing at home, a human-based mascot wins over an animal-based mascot 87.7% of the time in night games* *Statistics not thoroughly researched"

Commish says: Featuring this for your username!

@AbbreKadabrederis (Falcons): "Well, after last week I don't know who's bad and who's only ok. Except for the Browns. I know they're bad. (Sorry Browns fans). But unfortunately they're playing the Bengals and I'm not putting my survival in Andy Dalton's hands. So here's hoping the Falcons don't 28-3 me."

Commish says: Featuring this for your (obscure Packers reference) username!!!

@Acer34t (Seahawks): "I'm on the toilet. "

Commish says: You bet your ass you are.

@bcline94 (Eagles): "I woke up with a huge knot in my lower intestines this morning so I hobbled over to the toilet to squeeze one out like an old tube of toothpaste. The thing was a fighter, though, and I knew I was in for a battle. Too bad I snoozed five alarms and was already on the fence of getting to work late. No matter, I'm not a quitter. I took the toilet paper off the roll and used the bar like some handicap handle for better traction. No dice. Fast forward fifteen minutes later and the only progress I've made is a few heartless farts and a hemorrhoid. The thing wouldn't budge. I considered cutting my losses, but what kind of message would that send? My body is a temple and I am the head monk. I am the master of my bowels, the captain of my shits. So I called into work sick this morning and I've been fighting the good fight ever since. Anyways I'm picking the iigles."

Commish says: Annnnnd that'll do it for this week! Good luck, everyone!

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