Dashing Denizens of Deshaun,
It's too bad DeShone Kizer - whose Browns are playing Deshaun's Texans today - isn't good (yet?) because remember when the NFL had seven starting quarterbacks named Matt?
Matt is the most NFL quarterback name ever. Think of all the Matts you know. Yup.
But that was cool in a "That's your awesome fact? Really?" type of way. Then when they realized the seven were Cassel, Hasselbeck, Ryan, Stafford, Leinart, Moore, and Schaub, they were like, "Yo, your facts suck."
Having seven Deshaun NFL quarterbacks would be so much better, if for nothing else than seeing Jim Nantz get utterly confused when talking about them.
Alas, we'll have to settle for Deshaun vs. Kevin Hogan for now. (This lead-in also known as "What happens when Commish is staring at a slate of giant spreads against crappy teams and searching his inner soul for picks email inspiration.")
WEEK 6 PICKS AND FAST FACTS
Your group pages show you picks for just that group
FAST FACTS:
- The Broncos are our top pick with 36 percent of title pool selections.
- Denver is a double-digit home favorite with a great defense playing a winless team without its top four receivers... BUT, Eli Manning is the weirdest survivor quarterback.
- Yup. That's my fact. Eli Manning does weird survivor shit. All the time.
- Our top four picks - Broncos, Texans, Falcons, and Washington - account for 97 percent of title pool picks.
- That makes this our most concentrated week in the past two years. Week 10, 2016 saw 96 percent of our picks on four teams.
- Given the Broncos play the 0-5 Giants, the Texans play the 0-5 Browns, Washington plays the 0-5 Niners, and Atlanta plays the 2-2 (but godawful offense led by Jay Cutler) Dolphins, this may also be the most concentrated-against-mucho-suck week in BFIG history.
- ESPN doesn't keep that stat. That's why you roll with Commish. VALUE!
- By historical survivor win rates, there's a ~24 percent chance all four of our top picks win. Read a different way, there's a ~76 percent chance we see meaningful carnage today.
WEEK 6 AWARDS
"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award
The SZN's third most prestigious award, behind the BFIG Title Belt and the Haynesworth Hustle Award. You can't win BFIG without showing a little Moxie!
OUR MOXIE FELL OFF A CLIFF. BRING THE MOXIE BACK OR YOU'RE ALL GONNA LOSE BY WEEK 10. (Moxie drumstick to the lone brave soul picking the Goffs on the road against BORTLEMANIA!!!... but yo, you need to submit a comment to win the Moxie!)
Commish Communication Award
Quite simply, this is BFIG's best weekly comment (or two)
@colson (Falcons): "I don't like this pick and feel dirty taking it. I have a tweet saved on my phone from last year...it was 3 minutes before Halftime of the Superbowl & it said "It's going to be incredible when the Falcons blow this 28-3 lead". Then, as we all know, they did exactly that. The Falcons are the NFL's version of "Dr. Thunder" soda. It's good but you absolutely can tell that it's not the name brand soda. They should absolutely win this game but this matchup has "Jay Cutler throws for 345 & 3TDs" all over it. Also, the Falcons have a Chik-Fil-A in their stadium and it's still closed on Sunday's. That's stupid and no one should be rewarded for that."
Commish says: 1) Only you would make a Dr Thunder soda analogy; 2) What, exactly, gives a game that Jay Cutler quality?; and 3) Seriously? There's an in-stadium stall closed during... the time that stadium has events? WHAT IS LIFE?!
"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL. Can you convince anyone that your pick is the right pick? Then I bet you could sell Bengals tickets, too!
@cwledwards (Falcons): "This is the closest I've ever been to the belt, and I'm terrified. I feel like one of the 0-5 teams wins this week. The Niners have been competitive and Shanahan coached them not too long ago. The Texans gave up 40 last week and lost two of their best defensive players. Winning in Mile High with no receivers is the most Eli shit of all time. OF ALL TIME. So I'm going with the defending NFC champs coming off a bye and playing Jay Cutler. Because Jay Cutler does not care. "
Commish says: SEE! This is what I'm saying! You just said it better. A Giants win would be THE most Eli shit of all time!
Definitely Not Concussed Award
Can you teach us something new? No, there are no rules. Just teach us something. Anything. Please?
@pmenchini (Texans): "BFIG text reminder saved me again this morning. Any way we can add BFIG text reminders for other important deadlines in life? E.g., "The SZN: You haven't wished your mom happy birthday and her birthday is TODAY. Text your mom: (xxx-xxx-xxxx)." Just imagine -- a world where we never miss deadlines again. In other boring news, just picking against the Browns as per usual."
Commish says: You've helped me find my calling in life. This is it. THIS IS IT!!!
THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'
Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.
@rnorwood (Broncos): "It's almost performance review time at work. This year they've gone with a new app and real time feedback so that we have "regular, meaningful and timely feedback". One can receive a hearty thumbs up, or a swiftly-delivered "constructive comment" and poo emoji every time you royally f*** something up. One too many vindictive poo emojis, and I'm out of here. The way I see it, I can start at wide receiver for the Giants RIGHT NOW, bitches. I would really roast the Giants, but my mom says we're not supposed to burn garbage."
Commish says: While we all have differing opinions on what'd make workplace culture GREAT, I think we can all agree that more feedback poop emojis = higher productivity.
Rob's companion in BFIG absurdity, Paige, is out for now. We eagerly await her Week 11 BRANDO!!! (Third Chance) Survivor return.
DAVID MICK'S IRRATIONAL AND INEVITABLE MARCH TOWARD THE (SECOND CHANCE) TITLE
@mick's logic is awful. His enthusiasm is fantastic. His rationality is poor. His charisma is off the charts. David Mick is a walking paradox. David Mick will also, inevitably, be our (Second Chance) champion.
@Mick, tragically, has busted out of both BFIG and the Second Chance Pool... because he picked the Bears last week. We eagerly anticipate his return in Week 11 for the BRANDO!!! (Third Chance) Survivor.
MORE PICK COMMENTS
@James_hunter (Broncos): "A Psalm of Denver Von Miller is my shepherd; I shall not lose. He maketh me do the safety dance: he leadeth me beside the end zone. He restoreth my lead: he leadeth me in the paths of defense for his team's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the fourth quarter comeback, I will fear no Eli: for thou art with me; thy strip sack and thy touchdown they comfort me. Thou preparest a pick six before me in the presence of The New Jersey Giants: thou fill my heart with joy; my Bud Light Lime runneth over. Surely happiness and victory shall follow me all of Sunday night: and I will dwell in the house of The Broncos until week seven."
Commish says: ALERT! ALERT!! James Hunter is on Denver, all you Broncos backers. This means it's gonna be a close game with a wacky finish. It is written.
@JBiz (Broncos): "Ochocinco and T.O. haven't been signed by the Giants yet, so I'm going with the Donkeys."
Commish says: The Giants have to do this, right? They immediately become one of the NFL's most compelling teams. Ochocinco, TO, and Wilt Chamberlain at WR. Brock Lesnar at TE. Usain Bolt at air back. Backstreet Boys at O Line. Brett Favre at QB.
@Dblender (Broncos): "Tavarres King, Roger Lewis, Travis Rudolph, and Ed Eagan..."
Commish says: So you all know the game Balderdash? How fun (read: diabolically difficult) would a 2017 New York Giants Balderdash be?
@Chris_Hebert (Broncos): "NEVER SEEN WEEK 6 BEFORE! BLL's ON THE HOUSE!! WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?! WHAT YEAR IS IT?! Got this far making safe picks, and I know you need a little moxie to win this thing, but I'm having too much fun staying in the actual main competition, so something tells me this isn't the week to go rogue. Atlanta seems like the popular pick this week, but I have a feeling my boy Smokin' JC will play just well enough this week to give Dolphins fans hope before eventually crushing their dreams in true Cutler fashion. The other safe choice seems to be Denver over the wide receiver-less Giants. Denver's offense has been shaky as of late, but I can't imagine a world where Giants go into Denver in prime time and beat the Broncos coming off a bye-week. And if we live in that world, then I'm going to get so drunk I forget how much it hurts to exit BFIG prematurely. "
Commish says: A GREAT debate: Is it more painful to exit BFIG super early or late? I'm going super early... but maybe it's because I haven't seen Week 4 since 2010. I'm so bad at this.
@kphernetton07 (Broncos): "Who will Talib & Harris cover? Do they even have to play?"
Commish says: They're definitely doing side bets with each other this week. I REALLY hope one of the side bets is "$10K to the guy who can do more cartwheels during actual plays."
@Justice_For_Harambe (Texans): "I didnt listen to my father last year when he said just to take every team playing the Browns. I went out in week 3 i believe. Time to listen to the Old Lion"
Commish says: Is your dad's username I_Am_Harambe?
@stursiegel (Texans): "I attended the first NFL game last night where my survivor pick was on the line. After the chaos of Sunday, I was so nervous to actually be in attendance for Bears/Vikings. Having been at Soldier Field the prior Wednesday for a company event, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of having to pull against my hometown team. After drinking too much Thursday night, I even tried to change my pick. But it was too late. Fast forward to Monday night - the Trubisky hype train has left the station. I'm all in on Chicago sports after the Cubs beat the Nats in a thriller to go up 2-1. I can't help but feel a pang in my gut walking up to Soldier Field; I know that I will have to be THAT fan, the one cheering like crazy for the Bears but secretly hoping Trubisky throws a pick on every play. The Bears fans surrounding me are great, and we're getting amped up singing Bear Down after the one scoring play (a safety) that happened during the entire first half. I know my survivor season is over once the Bears get possession with two minutes to go in a tie game. I've accepted this fact and am happy I've had enough BLLs to cope and celebrate with my Beartheren. Then it happens, the classic rookie INT that happens in game winning situations. Jumping up and screaming with excitement, I notice all my former friends staring/glaring/swearing at me. It was at that moment that I decided I needed to get the hell out of dodge and celebrate the narrow escape. Anyways I'm taking the Texans; Browns are still the Browns. "
Commish says: "Beartheren"? BEARTHEREN?!?!
@thrushtimothy (Broncos): "If the Giants were already a dumpster fire, losing OBJ made them ..... I don't even know if there are words to describe them. That fire is raging so hard, even the Devil is like, "Damn, that fire is hot and nastaayy!" I'd also like to point out that the disparity between last week and this week are what make BFIG so great. Last week was a week filled with Colts v 9ers and head scratching lines like Pit v Jags (which I felt was a total trap game). This week is filled with a variety of "safe" options to choose from. Though anything can happen - I think many of the remaining survivors advance. "
Commish says: First time I've ever seen the devil personified as saying "nastaayyy"
@TheGMs_Fiancee (Texans): "@theGM took me on a vomit comet this weekend to propose in zero g. Besides now having to change my user name to @theGMs_fiancee, I figure the least I could do is support his team, the Houston Texans, and give them my pick this week. ❤️💍"
Commish says: The #LOVE Forecast has made its way to BFIG! Yessssss. Congrats, you two!
@MotherOfDragons (Broncos): "7% picked the Giants bahahahahaha"
Commish says: Left here without comment
@TheCommish (Redskins, Second Chance): "Either I'm like, "Clearly the right pick" after Washington wins by 30, or I'm like, "You could have picked against the Browns on the road you complete, utter disgrace of a survivor player.""
Commish says: I'm featuring my own comment, because this is how I feel every week of the NFL season.
@Acer34t (Broncos): "The Giants... I can’t finish that sentence I’m laughing too hard..."
Commish says: Yeah but if Wilt was at WR and BSB was protecting Eli? THINK ABOUT IT! (That'll do it for this week, everyone. Good luck!)