@TheCommish and his dad, @BigDaddy, have never had a losing NFL betting season. We have no idea how.
BigDaddy: It's fricken Week 9 already. Can you believe it?
Commish: Now that the Packers' season is over, what's keeping you excited?
BD: Well, I'm still excited about the Packers. What I'm particularly focused on here is, "What does the coaching staff do differently?" How can we put Hundley in a position to win?
C: Spoiler alert: Nothing. We'll lose the games and our coaching staff sucks.
BD: They're not gonna make any coaching changes. They're just not.
C: BigDaddy, two weeks ago: "Mike McCarthy is a blowhard."
We power rank the favorites - teams with a Vegas line next to them - by who's likeliest to win. Your #1 pick winning earns you as many points as there are games (e.g. 16 in a full week). Your bottom pick winning earns you 1 point.
Last week: LibbySims 90 points, Commish 89, BigDaddy 83
This season: Commish 637 points, LibbySims 632, BigDaddy 593
Home team in caps below
#1: TEXANS (-13) over Colts
Average ranking: 1.3; BigDaddy and LibbySims' top pick
C: You were an early captain of the Deshaun Watson train.
BD: Houston's for real; they'll win the AFC South. Before the season, who'd have ever thought Houston would be getting 13 points in this game?
C: How many bottles of brandy would you need to become a Colts fan the rest of this season?
BD: I'd rather drink Lucas Oil than be a Colts fan. Where the hell do you buy Lucas Oil, anyway? What is it?
C: You extract it from Andrew Luck's ass.
#2: EAGLES (-7) over Broncos
Average ranking: 3.7; Commish's top pick
C: What makes you put the Rams and Texans above the Eagles?
BD: That's a good question.
C: Do you think Philly is the best team in the NFC?
BD: Yes. They're coached well. Doug Pederson is another one of those guys who doesn't get too excited.
C: Call it... The Caldwell Club?
BD: The Caldwell Choo Choo. Get on the train.
C: The Caldwell Choo Choo!
#3: SAINTS (-7) over Bucs
Average rank: 4.3
C: Aside from Colts fans and Browns fans, it's probably hardest to be a Bucs fan right now.
BD: The Tampa Bay Jameiseers. Mariota went #2 and I'd rather be a fan of the Titans than the Bucs.
C: Is it possible everyone is too high on the Saints?
BD: Drew Brees is en fuego right now. He had a 100 percent completion rate in the first half last week.
#4: TITANS (-5.5) over Ravens
Average rank: 5.7
BD: This is my Second Chance pick this week. Baltimore is horseshit.
C: Agreed. Maybe the worst offense in the league.
BD: Somehow they beat Miami 40-0 last week.
C: We'll get to Miami in a bit...
BD: Flacco can't throw it deep anymore. He throws it 40 yards high on a 30-yard throw. Take out a geometry book, Joe.
C: Yeah, Joe. Brush up, man.
BD: Mike Munchak is part of The Caldwell Choo Choo.
#5: SEAHAWKS(-7) over Washington
Average rank: 5.7
C: I think this line's way too high
BD: Yeah. Washington's arguably a better team.
C: There are probably several statistical measures that would say Washington IS the better team.
BD: I don't think Seattle's gonna score 40+ points again. Talk about an anomaly.
C: Halloween was a bizarro world week for Seahawks fans.
#6: JAGUARS (-4.5) over Bengals
Average rank: 6.3; BigDaddy has it down at #10
C: You're not a Jags believer yet?
BD: Cincinnati's season is done if they don't go in there and put a hurt on Jacksonville. The Bengals didn't look good last week against the Colts; they're lucky they won.
C: So then why is this game down at #10 for you?
BD: Because no, I'm not a Jags believer yet.
C: So I should return your BORTLEMANIA!!! t-shirt Christmas gift?
BD: Yes. Well, no. I'd probably still wear it.
#7: Raiders (-3) over DOLPHINS
Average rank: 6.3
C: I think Miami actually has the better record.
BD: Oakland's been a huge disappointment. They get behind, and then they can't score enough to win.
C: They got pasted by the Bills last week.
BD: Yeah but they're gonna win this week.
C: Haha, and I think the same thing. Zero faith in Miami. Who is Miami? What's the Dolphins' identity?
BD: Absolutely nothing comes to mind.
C: "The 2017 Miami Dolphins: Absolutely nothing comes to mind."
#8: Rams (-3.5) over GIANTS
Average rank: 7.3; BigDaddy has it up at #2
BD: The Giants just aren't very good. They had one good week, and people want to believe in them again.
C: They're the opposite of the Jets. The Jets win and everyone's like, "They still suck."
BD: This might be one to put a little money on. Take the Rams and give up the points.
C: I still find it hard to place much faith in the Rams. Why do you think that is?
BD: They've had a history of mismanagement, poor coaching, and squandered quarterbacks.
C: Case BEERKEGNUM played for them.
BD: They pass the eye test this year in a way they haven't in years past.
#9: Cardinals (-2) over NINERS
Average rank: 8.3
BD: Two pathetic teams. There will be more Cardinals fans in the stands than Niners fans.
C: Well, you only need about 10,000 Cardinals fans for that to be true.
BD: San Francisco could win this game if they dressed up some of their guys as Arizona players.
C: I think that's well within the NFL rulebook.
BD: They're both red.
C: SZN Power Rankings: Analysis you can't find elsewhere.
#10: Lions (-2.5) over PACKERS
Average rank: 8.7
C: This is depressing. What would the line be with Aaron Rodgers?
BD: Green Bay by four or five.
C: Oh, man. I'd say Green Bay by seven or eight.
BD: Matt Stafford is fricken tough. The epitome of a Bulldog.
C: Is Mike McCarthy part of The Caldwell Choo Choo?
BD: No. No no.
C: We need a new coach that's part of the Choo Choo.
BD: Bring Caldwell over.
C: My god. How excited would you be if Caldwell became the new Packers coach?
BD: I'd be just elated. Caldwell or John Harbaugh would be my choices. Both Choo Choo'ers.
The rest: Bills (-3) over JETS, PANTHERS (-2) over Falcons, COWBOYS (-1) over Chiefs
Average rank: Bad
C: If you wanted a Moxie this week, who'd you take from these bottom three games?
BD: Buffalo.
C: Bud Light Lime, Brandy, and the Bills, with BigDaddy and BEERKEGNUM!!!