Protagonists of the Hopeless Hunt for Hunt,
The Chiefs were the only BFIG pick to lose last week. The Chiefs were good. Now the Chiefs are bad. This ends Commish's Christmas Chiefs tale.
I've got hilarious BRANDO comments from Week 12. I've got a deeper look at BFIG's final 34. And yes, I've got 2017's first Golden Survival Spreadsheet. ONWARD.
WHERE WE STAND: BFIG's FINAL 34, AND BRANDO's FINAL... WELL, A LOT
If you're out of all three competitions, cheer up and join HasselBracket (playoffs pick'em). Let's break it down:
- BFIG is down to 34. Second Chance is down to 57. BRANDO is at 1,805 (but also hits 3 picks/week now).
- Just 10 SZN vets are left vs. 24 rookies. That's an outlier. Typically this runs close to 50:50.
- Our sagest remaining combatant is @DiggsOutForHarambe, who has been with us since 2012.
- Six women are left in the race to become BFIG's first female champ. If this happens, that'd make it two straight major competititon wins for the women of SZN (March Madness 2017 was the first).
- @Ericadeverian remains the frontrunner. You don't even need fancy analysis. Just look at her pick line: BUF-BAL-LAR-ARI-PHI-WAS- TEN-CIN-OAK-DET-SEA-HOU- JAX-ATL-PIT
- But OK let's do fancy analysis, too. Erica's total margin of victory over her 15 wins is just 123 (8.2 per game). That's 26 points fewer than the second-lowest total (@chadr07), 41 fewer than the third-lowest, and 142 behind our MoV leader (@jschnablegger, at 265).
- She still has Minnesota (9-2), New England (9-2), New Orleans (8-3), and Carolina (8-3) left.
- The Golden Spreadsheet is all about "who has who left" - check it out below
THE FIRST-EVER ORAL HISTORY OF BFIG'S MOST FEARED ENTITY
Scarier than Sanchez. More frightening than Fitz. Responsible for THOUSANDS of BFIG losses and endless nightmares, it's the one and only...
ELI FACE.
On the day Eli was benched for Geno Smith (hello, 2017!), may Kyle Tenney and Commish present to you...
BRANDO PICK COMMENTS ARE THE BEST. HERE ARE WEEK 12's HIGHLIGHTS
@Kenny_L (Cowboys, Steelers): "Do you even bother looking through comments from the 3rd chance league? We’re all just a bunch of scrubs trying to win a consolation bracket of a consolation bracket...Not worth your time. Not even worth my time to write this comment. What am I doing with my life? F Brandon Weeden."
Commish says: HI KENNY COMMISH LOVES YOU!
@James_hunter (Redskins, Chiefs): "I'm thinking about a BLL drinking game to make watching the Bills more tolerable. It will probably go something like this. Buffalo commits a penalty - 1 drink. They commit a penalty that nullifies a 1st down - 2 drinks. A penalty that nullifies a TD - 3 drinks. They take a sack - 1 drink. A penalty on defense that nullifies a 3rd down stop - 2 drinks. They commit a turnover or give up a safety - 3 drinks. The playoff drought gets mentioned - 3 drinks. The music city miracle is mentioned - 3 drinks. The music city miracle is shown - finish your drink. Footage from any of our Super Bowls is shown (especially the missed field goal) - finish your drink. They make a QB change - finish your drink. The announcers point out that Buffalo gave away the chance to draft Patrick Mahomes for a first round pick next year that we'll certainly blow on a player who will be on a different team by the end of his rookie contract - finish your drink and contemplate the nature of the abusive relationship you're in with Buffalo sports teams. I plan on being completely hammered by halftime."
Commish says: You know, I was gonna comment on this Hedge of Happiness + BLL brilliance, but then your brother, well... look...
@robbobobbo (Bills, Bengals): "Bills over Chiefs in the upset of the week.... and Browns lose because it's what they do. It's like my dad always ways - no one's ever lost money betting on Cincinnati."
Commish says: WHAT SAY YOU, JAMES?!?!
@austenflint (Bengals, Eagles): "I finally, FINALLY, broke the seal on my 2017 campaign last week with the Steelers repaying my faith with a comfortable win. I would compare my 2017 SZN experience like a Friday Night out with the boys. The first night out for a while, I went too hard too early....I recently went to San Diego and had mixed drinks (Never Again). Having too many mixed drinks is like putting too much faith in Tom "Macho Man" Savage in week 1 versus the Jags. After recovering from my week 1 hangover, I was ready to redeem myself and join the lads for another Friday night out. I also was looking for a little revenge versus the Jags, by picking the Steelers in week 5. Looking for revenge is like attempting to out drink the best drinking of the group. Surprisingly, I was not the worst performing that week, as Big Ben was exceptionally drunk with his Nate Peterson-before-Nate Peterson performance. After a 6 week dry spell, I decided to head out again....and I'm pacing myself with a delicious cold beer. Things could be turning around. Lets not hope the liquid courage returns and the mixed drinks start to flow again.....Does this make sense? Ok, good. Happy surviving. "
Commish says: Austen Flint: He's a mixed drinks on a Friday night with the boys kind of guy. Right up there with Nate Peterson... er, Peter Nathanman.
@jessetow (Bengals, Falcons): "Two divisional picks? Yessir- there’s a reason I’m in the BRANDO and i fully intend to follow what got me here."
Commish says: We need to start being nicer to the BRANDO. We aren't here because we're misfits or infidels or degenerates. We're here because BRANDO is good and honorable and... just... YEAH. We love it. It is good. EMBRACE THE BRANDO!
@kevinkoepsel (Seahawks, Steelers): "Sometimes while in the shower, I forget if I have washed my hair, so I wash it again.....which may actually be the first time. "
Commish says: I do this with bowing to my Aaron Rodgers shrine before bed. Better safe than cursed, you know?
@owenkinsky (Patriots, Steelers): "Cue infomercial: "The last 17 years of AFC playoffs can't be wrong! Buy the Steelers and Patriots now and you won't regret it!""
Commish says: Cue second infomercial: "But actually sometimes they can be wrong! Buy BORTLEMANIA!!! now and you won't regret it! OK, maybe! But probably not!"
@jrock08 (Chiefs, Bengals): "I got knocked out of the second chance pool last week by the Chiefs, and I got knocked out of the main pool last year in the second week by the Chiefs. So obviously, I'm picking the Chiefs."
Commish says: Is it bad that I laughed? That was bad, wasn't it. I'm sorry.
@bechans (Eagles, Steelers): "My mom's a Packers fan and my dad's a Bears fan so naturally I picked the two teams playing against both of them."
Commish says: I'm never inviting you to my Thanksgiving.
@mbrensel (Falcons, Steelers): "So I was in the patient room waiting to see my Doctor, Dr. Sacco. I thought, hmmm, Sacco rhymes with Flacco. I think Joe Flacco is elite, but does Sacco think Flacco is elite? it turns out, the guy is a square and does NOT think he is elite, nor did he even know who joe flacco was. That interaction made me decide to pass on picking Joe flacco and Danny woodhead like my heart wanted to.. UGH. Instead I will lean on the same division, the gritty AFC north/ pittsburgh over packers. WHOOOP WHOOOP. Jameis winston cant steal enough lobsters to help his team from the sideline. Falcons over bucs"
Commish says: I can see it now, and I can't wait... SACCO FLACCO II: THE RETURN OF BRENSEL
@Mrrd45 (Bengals, Falcons): "I'm from Atlanta, born and raised, a true Falcons fan for all 30 years of my life. Not only did I fly down to Houston for the Super Bowl last year and charge a ticket to my credit card, I had a preseason futures bet on the Falcons (like I do every year) that would've paid for my entire trip. As you may have heard, my Falcons took a commanding 28-3 in said Super Bowl and then somehow managed to kill all feeling in my heart, mind and body indefinitely over the next 20something minutes. Even if I eventually manage to black out every last pain-inducing memory of that god-forsaken night, I'm still saddled with the most expensive Lady Gaga ticket in world history... All of this to say I have zero faith in my pick of the Falcons at home this week against a Jameisless Bucs team that's now 2-0 with Fitzpatrick at the helm. I swore I would never trust my hopes in the Falcons again. Yet here we are. On the bright side, I'm also picking the Bengals. So let's go Not-the-Browns."
Commish says: My god. The fact you can even write about this is a remarkable recovery. Have you considered a career change into counseling? It pays well. Like, Super Bowl well. You know... because I'm sure your scars won't make you question a return trip...
@jcaf210 (Redskins, Steelers): "Big Ben at home is an easy win and Cousins is hotter than a Brazilian dancer."
Commish says: I really want to know your hotness rankings. Is it like "Alessandra Ambrosio, Kirk Cousins, any Brazilian dancer ever"? Or is it more nuanced? Can you tell us next week?
@dgsaites (Patriots, Panthers): "Bro, have you seen the "All Injured-Reserve" team yet? Look it up. Unbeatable. I miss Aaron Rodgers."
Commish says: I have! It'd be the best NFL team ever assembled. Actually, it'd rival The Dream Team for best overall team ever assembled. That's not hyperbole.
@axb613 (Chiefs, Patriots): "Commish I don't know what the f*** I'm doing I'm just tryna stay alive because I was booted out of bfig and second chance on the first rounds and I'm just really happy I get to pick again because this competition makes me happy "
Commish says: Well, I have this to say: Some people went 0-for-3. You did not. HasselBracket (playoffs pick'em) starts soon!
2017'S FIRST GOLDEN SURVIVAL SPREADSHEET
This needs no explanation or introduction. It makes its own Bud Light Lime and produces its own Butt Fumbles.
If you're battling for the belt, this spreadsheet is everything:
HOUSEKEEPING
- Week 12 had a pickoff for 40th through 50th place in BFIG. Congrats to those of you who got 15/16 right (damn, what a week for favorites!), or 14/16 right with your first five confidence picks correct. Eternal glory (and $20) to you!
- Every competition page always shows winners in the gray "Competition summary" sidebar (bottom of screen on mobile). Commish updates these summaries as the season goes.
- HasselBracket - our annual playoffs pick'em - is open! It's free - you already paid for it - and the champ gets $5K. JOIN HASSELBRACKET >>
- Your profile now shows your pick history. Check it out!
- Commish and GM play in all SZN competitions, but we can't win any money. This isn't DraftKings amateur hour. Anyone we live with can't win, either. (Yes, The GM's fiancee is still alive in BFIG. How crazy (tragic?) would that be?)
- The Green Bay Packers should fire Mike McCarthy
- Commish loves you