Embattled "Weird Eli Shit" Envoy,
Commish saw the brutal Week 14 schedule. Commish knew a certain... let's call them mediocre... team was widely available, playing one of the league's worst squads.
Commish saw the Geno. Commish bid adieuAdoo. Commish KNEW it would be tempting...
But Commish did NOT think you'd actually do it. Have we learned nothing?!
A divisional game (survivor gods chuckle), on the road (survivor gods cackle), against Eli "HAI U REH-D 4 ME 2 DO WIERD SHIT" Manning??? (Survivor gods fall off their Favre thrones in a tidal wave of laughter.)
You know I love all of you. But if BFIG ends today, Commish will know he has no future in preschool education. ONWARD!
WEEK 14 PICKS AND FAST FACTS
Your group pages show you picks for just that group
Your friends' BFIG picks >>
Your friends' Second Chance picks >>
Your friends' BRANDO!!! picks >>
FAST FACTS:
- The Giants (at the Cowboys) garnered 11 selections (52%) from our 21 title belt combatants. Second Chance (32%) and BRANDO (37%) were a little more skittish.
- You know where we're not skittish? Praising the Browns' misery. Green Bay (at Cleveland) was our top pick in both Second Chance and BRANDO.
- Only seven BFIGers had the Packers available. Six selected them. @cameronlochte was the lone holdout, who apparently is also the lone person in that group who's watched Brett Hundley play football.
- Aside from the Patriots (11-point favorites at Miami), there isn't a single game on the board with a Vegas spread larger than six points.
- Commish doesn't keep these stats, but he has to believe that'd make this the toughest late-season week in SZN history (according to Vegas).
- Add to that fact the usage of the 6-point favorite Chargers (picked out in BFIG) and 6-point favorite Bengals (almost picked out in BFIG), and you get...
- ... well, you get blatant disregard for the survivor golden rules.
- (And the risk of decades of ELI FACE nightmares.)
WEEK 14 AWARDS
"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award
There are 21 people alive in the race for BFIG's season nine title belt. There are 21 people currently vascillating between elation and sheer terror. And given how difficult this week is, there are 21 people who intimately understand the power of having the Patriots available this late in the season. Only four of the 21 had the Pats available. Three picked them.
That leaves one brave soul, @footballnovice, with enough Moxie to STILL be holding on to the Pats ace in the hole. (She also has the Vikings available.) If @footballnovice survives today, she has to be the favorite to take home the belt. You've got some serious Moxie, kid.
Commish Communication Award
@judigregry (Bengals, Cowboys): "This is flipping unbelievable. It's like being up for an Academy Award or something and my little friend Oscar is just waiting to be held by these Saints loving fingers. One day you're making half-hearted picks and your friends are wondering why you're wasting your time, and the next you're the person that everyone is talking about around the work water cooler ...Seriously though, now the first question I get asked is "Who'd ya pick? or "Did you make your pick?"... BFIG is my sole identity at the moment....truly, is there anything else? "
Commish says: It took you this long to understand that there is nothing else? Judi. Of course there's nothing else. ALL FOR BFIG AND BFIG FOR ALL!!!
@patbrown08 (Texans, Cowboys): "You ever get excited to sit down and watch football. Beer on the end table, bag of chips and a big jar of salsa, only to open the chips and they have all been smashed. Of course, you can still eat the chips. You can still dip them in salsa. But what a mess. That is what I am faced with this week. Excited to still be alive and making a pick, but then I look at the teams I have left and realize it is nothing but a bunch of broken chips that aren't suitable for the salsa. So I am going to stick my broken chips, fingers and all into the salsa of the survivor gods and hope to not get caught double dipping. That's right, going with a division rival on the road again. And to make matters worse, it is a game involving the Eli. Well, it's been a fun ride here's hoping to come out the other side. "
Commish says: Well... I mean... at least you know? And you are a supreme analogy-maker, my friend. Can that be a career? Analogy-maker? Have you looked in to this?
"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
@kgranuzzo (Jets, Cardinals, Cowboys - BRANDO): "Last time I picked all animals, this week I picked things that I know what they are"
Commish says: This has to be the most compelling "they're gonna win" argument I've heard all year. How has this lens never been applied before? We're on to something big here. Can we start a betting syndicate with this as our philosophy?
Definitely Not Concussed Award
@ljbburn (Texans, Bengals, Cowboys - BRANDO): "Brandon Weeden's career QBR is 76.0 which ranks better than Hall of Famers YA Tittle at 74.3, George Blanda at 60.6, Joe Namath at 65.5, and Terry Bradshaw at 70.9 according to Pro Football Reference...and I guarantee you he's downed far more BLLs than any of these other legends. Show the man some damn respect. "
Commish says: All week I was like, "People. There is so much material. Where the f*** are the BRANDO comments?!" You, my friend... you brought it. ALL HAIL @LJBBURN! More! (More what?) More BRANDO!!!
MORE PICK COMMENTS
@jessetow (Chiefs, Chargers, Steelers): "JG = Josh Gordon, JG = Jimmy Garoppolo, JG = Jesse GonnaStayAwayFromNinersAndBrowns"
Commish says: Whatever we're collectively drinking this week, we need to do more of it.
@mwilliams7018 (Lions, Chiefs, Steelers - BRANDO): "Oh what a great day to make some picks. This week I'm going to go on a run then come home to indulge in some very exciting non-Bud Light Lime beers. And let me say that I am super excited about this week's picks. I'm going to try out a new beer the Iron City Lager, from Pittsburgh, which has been in production since 1861. For Kansas City I'm choosing a favorite of mine from the Boulevard Brewing Company Tank 7--a wonderful Belgian-French Ale. And for my Detroit Lions I am choosing my favorite Wheat beer Oberon, from Bell's Brewery ❤️🍺. I hope my chosen teams live up to my beer choices!!! GO STEELERS, CHIEFS & LIONS!"
Commish says: Oxymoron (n): A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined. Example: Very exciting non-BLL.
@vxk5018 (Bills, Cowboys, Patriots - BRANDO): "Yikes....breaking 2 rules in 2 picks...division game and road team. "
Commish says: THREE rules in one of your picks. The Eli Rule is the most fearsome rule of them all. This might be the most highly picked "DON'T PICK THIS GAME" in BFIG history.
@YesThereIsAnS (Packers, Bengals, Titans - BRANDO): "Ok ok OKAY. THIS IS THE WEEK. This is the week I turn it all around. I have absolutely no confidence in any of these picks but really the choosing is in the pudding and mine sure is figgy. I'm saving the Steelers for their final Brownie deluxe, and these three question marks seem poised to make hay of their lesser competitors. May the jingle sauce be thick with the blood of Browns, Bears, and Cardinals. And may all your Sunday Night Footballs be Carried Under Wood. "
Commish says: Where have you been all my life? More. MORE!!
@Swami_Sez (Bills, Cowboys): "I’m relying on the Jets. The Jets. I’ve switched my picks at least 8 times so far. "
Commish says: So much for being a swami. OH DAMNNNNN.
@jcpadams (Texans, Patriots): "If I can make it past the Tom "is he any better than Fred" Savage pick, then I can't wait to watch Jay Cutler's stupid face on Monday night football as he gets smoked by the Pats...."
Commish says: I'd have to page through history to confirm this, but my suspicion is a Dolphins victory Monday would be the single most painful BFIG loss of all time. The market for "Jay Cutler PTSD" would be HOT.
@RotoJeff (Chiefs, Cowboys - Second Chance): "Toughest week yet. I was *this* close to taking home-underdog Arizona, but was spooked by Patrick Peterson's hamstring injury. Now I'm resorting to hoping that the KC and Eli jinxes cancel each other out."
Commish says: Why do you presume they'll cancel each other instead of presuming they'll combine to create the single most "what the f***?!" day in NFL history? Is it coming? Do we feel it?!?
@aschaffer73 (Bills, Texans, Packers): "Trying to save every playoff team for the last three weeks. I don't love any of these picks, but they don't violate any of the cardinal rules of Survivor-dom, and they would put me in great position if they (somehow) come through."
Commish says: (Waits till Sunday night.... "SEEEE?!?")
@colson (Cowboys, Steelers, Patriots): "This is the ugliest week since Roger Goodell was born. Good luck to everyone!"
Commish says: WELCOME BACK TO THE EMAIL!
@Lubyland (Chiefs, Texans, Bengals): "2017 Me wants to hug 2016 Me for signing up for the text reminders. I was so thrilled that I made it through the third week of Brando that I exhaustingly forgot that I have a race to finish. Like those “Race Fails” when the guy collapses at the finish line, happy and satisfied, only to become horrified and panicked when he saw other racers go by, finishing the race. That was me, exhausted and on my hands and knees with victory tears welling in my eyes. Until 2016 Me arranged for a text."
Commish says: YOUR WEEKLY REMINDER!! Turn on SMS reminders, everyone. Roughly 60 percent of The SZN has 'em. That means 40 percent of you are making life far, far too difficult. HERE: https://www.theSZN.com/account/edit
@fld1124 (Packers, Bengals, Cowboys): "Hows that for moxie!! Two crappy road teams and a downward spiraling group of americas boys!!!"
Commish says: GOOD START DO BETTER
@ngalletta (Packers, Titans, Cowboys): "3 teams on the road playing against teams with nothing to play for...feels like I'm destined to get upset"
Commish says: One fatal flaw in this logic: The Browns have EVERYTHING to play for. If you're on the Browns, you're not having this shit, right? Plus they're all young and playing for big(ger) contracts in a few years. They're also awful... but go with me here.
@hockey3430 (Bills, Bengals, Vikings): "You want some trash talk? I think my picks are trash. BOOM!"
Commish says: BANGBOOM!
@Jdoug10 (Texans, Packers - Second Chance): "Hold me. "
Commish says: No.
@jakejscsu (Packers, Bengals, Cowboys): "SKOL!"
Commish says: No.
@Lootsdoolb (Bengals, Chargers, Jets): "Forgive me O Lord, for I have chosen the Jets...and the Bengals. Jesus, what's wrong with me?!"
Commish says: Survivor Lord: No.
@A_Team_That_Jane_Likes (Chiefs, Texans, Bengals): "This pool is awesome. "
Commish says: YES.
@dgsaites (Lions, Packers, Cowboys): "Brando Haiku: Picked three away teams Also picked against Eli Commish I'm stupid "
Commish says: YES. (That's it for this week. Good luck, everyone!)