No, they won't.
(Damn it all.)
But after Commish shows you a graphic that you'll think makes you hate Belichick & Co. more than you already do, consider evidence that we've already maxed out that hate...
2016 Update: 13-2 when picked; 1,212 wins against just 37 losses. Tom Brady read this and was pissed.
Cue the comments...
@zhaviland (Patriots, Week 1 2015): "I hate the Pats. God, I hate the Pats. Seriously, they are the absolute worst. I have dreams of drying Belichick's stupid hoodie on high heat to make it a tiny, tiny bit too tight and make him think he's getting fat. You know what else I hate? Losing. Week 1 is rough - there are no games I look at and think 'yup, I'm confident picking that.'' So, if the Pats lose and knock me out of what was, last year, the best survivor league I've been a part of in Week 1, at least I'll have something to blame beside myself. F***ing Patriots.
@GoCowboys (Patriots, Week 2 2015): "I drank too much last night. I hate the Patriots. Gronk and his private island meet the family cruise party can suck my tits. This better f***ing work."
@ikenam (Patriots, Week 3 2014): "Because my beloved Raiders hate me... and hate being good at football. I hope I'm wrong and the Raiders crush my most hated team."
@ads109 (Patriots, Week 3 2014): "I've always been one to carefully separate my patriotism from my Patriotism, especially as the former represents freedom of speech and the latter submits "Tom Brady, Probable, right shoulder" in every injury report. But for once - just once - this long-suffering Miami Dolphins fan will be forced to step inside one of the many cavernous chambers of Bill Belichick's ever-enlarging skull and turn all Jingoistic. This is what BFIG makes us do. Thanks, Commish!"
You hate the Patriots, but you can't stay away.
The Patriots probably won't torpedo your survival dreams. But they just might torpedo your sanity, your moral compass, your football ethos, your Moxie, and your marriage.
Maybe Commish should set up a new mailing address where you must ship a can of Bud Light Lime each time you pick the Patriots.
That stockpile could get pretty big, pretty fast. At which point we could throw a glorious "Deflate This, Motherf***ers!!!" party.
Tell me Gronk wouldn't show up.
***
You can check out all five "torpedoed dreams" articles here. Truth be told, from a coldly rational, Barnwellian perspective, none of this stuff should matter. But it shouldn't have mattered in 2009-2016, either... Pick at your own risk!
And if you haven't gotten in for the 2017 NFL SZN, you have till Sunday (9/10) at 9:50am PDT. GET IN HERE!