Magic Marcus Marauders,
When Commish was 7, he'd toss a mini football high in the air, run maybe 10 yards "downfield," then jump in a giant pile of leaves to catch it.
Every time, he thought to himself, "I'ma do this shit in a PLAYOFFS game someday. Just you watch."
Then Commish got a little older and realized he wasn't Marcus Mariota. That realization day is a real shit day, you know?
Mariota threw himself a touchdown pass (ending with this awesome dive), the Titans roared back to upset the Chiefs, the Falcons then promptly disposed of the Rams, and we had ourselves one of the most un-chalky days in SZN history.
In HasselBracket, 91 percent picked the Chiefs and 72 percent picked the Rams. Add it all up, and just 36 people went 4-0 in HasselBracket's first weekend.
With seven picks still remaining, it's unlikely that anyone will go undefeated. And if we see more huge upsets? You bet a 9-2 HasselBracket champ is still in play.
HASSELBRACKET ROUND 2: GO MAKE YOUR PICKS!
The picks spreadsheet also duals as a scoreboard. Check it out and consider how bold you want to be with your picks.
(But you've learned right? Riiiightttt? Moxie always wins. Always.)
Make your HasselBracket Divisional Round picks >>
Picks are due 10 minutes before the first game - 1:25pm on Saturday.
WE HAVE A BFIG CHAMP
Sometimes bold upset picks make all the difference. As in, $50,000 of difference.
The Falcons win secured @footballnovice the BFIG season 9 title belt, and $50,000 to drink copious amounts of Bud Light Lime while flying around like a Falcon and making ghost-of-Jeff-Fisher noises.
Last weekend's pickoff also resolved Second Chance and BRANDO. Taking home Second Chance's Case BEERKEEGNUM is @jlsing, and with the only 4-0 pickoff record, @tycarter89 wins our inaugural BRANDO Weeden Survivor.
You can revisit their pickoff picks on the website (you know Commish posts all of these emails on the website, right?), and as always, you can see winners and prizes in the gray "Competition Summary" box on every competition page.
YOUR HOT FIRE WILDCARD WEEKEND COMMENTS
@uscbizman (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "About as bold as a luke warm Michelob Ultra"
Commish says: When you roll with non-BLL beers, you go 2-2. Have we not learned? How about we learn? Yeah?
@flewy66 (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Saints): "Being a Vikings lifer I know the worst thing possible will happen to curse the Vikings from making a Super Bowl run. Hence, why I think the Falcons will beat the Rams sending them to Philly and the Saints into Minneapolis for a repeat of 2009. Damn you Drew Brees."
Commish says: The Vikings Fan Comment of the Week!!!
@ryankempsoos (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Panthers): "As a Vikings fan i don't want to see the saints in the playoffs... (again)... so I'm hoping they are eliminated here to save me the sorrow "
Commish says: Vikings Fan Comment #2!!!
@vish88 (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "This picks feel easy, almost too easy... "
Commish says: Vishhhhhhhh. Don't you know by now? The phrase "famous last words" was first uttered by the survivor gods in 2009, on Mt. Favremus, in response to "these picks feel easy." Since then, professing this pick confidence has been correlated with misery and defeat in a way only eclipsed by Bills' fans asking if fairness and justice exists.
@alexmace4 (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "Due to the fact there are only two respectable teams in the AFC I think there should be an exception this year...instead of letting garbage teams (#billsmafia, titans, etc.) play in January, the AFC title should come down to a best of 3 series between the Pats & Steelers. Imagine the amount of bad blood brewing by game three."
Commish says: My god. This would be incredible. @alexmace4 FOR NFL COMMISH!
@bek901 (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "I have not won a SZN pool in the three years I have been involved. This weekend I plan on changing that. I will buy a case of Bud Light Lime for the first time ever. As the games begin I will proceed to drink all of them until 1 of 2 things happen.... 1) I drink too much and either vomit profusely or pass out on my floor while my 3 year old kicks me yelling " Daddy WAKE UP!!" Or 2). I drink my way straight into a 4-0 wildcard weekend!!! "
Commish says: Wait, how are 1 and 2 not part of the same narrative? You did it all wrong. But GOOD NEWS: You can do it again next year!
@ktiernan14 (Titans, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "Titans and Jags start their path to the AFC Championship!"
Commish says: Would this be the game that starts the full-blown NFL ratings crisis, perhaps a year or two early? MIKE MULLERKY vs. BOBBY BOTTLES!!!
@lrjohnson1013 (Chiefs, Falcons, Bills, Saints): "BILLS MAFIA THRIVES IN TRASHY WARM WEATHER CITIES. TAMPA? CHECK. MIAMI? CHECK. ATL? CHECK. DON'T EVEN PLAY THE GAME. IT'S ALREADY OVER. IRRATIONAL CONFIDENCE ON 1,000,000,000,000."
Commish says: Is there evidence of said Mafia thriving? Please email to me promptly. commish@theszn.com. I want nothing more than to review this evidence today.
@patbrown08 (Chiefs, Rams, Bills, Saints): "These picks are brought to you by the highly technical advanced analysis of my 12 year old son and his mad Madden skills on the Xbox One. Hey, do you think he can get a sponsorship deal with Xbox or Madden if this works out? Maybe next week's picks will come from the Magic 8 Ball. Seems like it is every bit as scientific. "
Commish says: He went 1-3, so yeah, he could get a sponsorship deal. With the Browns. (Commish you so dirty.)
@rpsulski (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Panthers): "I was terrible in the first, second, third (was there a fourth?) survivor pools, that I forgot about this one!! That's what I love about The SZN. So you're saying there's a chance... Woo hoo!! OK, so now that I have a chance, just don't %$#% this up.... Easier said than done with my track record, I want to go chalk...but just can't there is always one upset, right?? Tough to beat someone 3 times, got to take the Panthers. "
Commish says: You went 1-3! Progress!!! Keep your head in the game. Every pick counts. Don't believe anything the other guys tell you. Focus. Drink Bud Light Lime.
@stephenestes (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Saints): "Drinking logic : chiefs- they're secretly legit and just messing with y'all. Rams - Goff doesn't do well with new experiences. Thanks Lynsey 😳 Jacksonville: I can't trust either team so I'll trust a defense that showed up most the year when it counts. New Orleans. A consistent 8. Panthers an inconsisteant 7. NO at home... yep. Well done this year commish. Would love to have a BLL one of these days- you always crush it and exceed all expectations . Keep up the drive amigo. "
Commish says: 1) Have a BLL now. I don't care what you're doing or where you are; and 2) If you mean have a BLL with me, then shit, I never turn down such lucrative and generous offers. How about 23 BLLs?
@msbernste (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "This is attempt #4 for me in this year's survivor pools after not even making it to the 4:00 kickoffs once this season. Let's review my results so far: Week 1: Picked New England over Kansas City in the Thursday season opener...knocked out before the first Sunday of games Week 5 (Second Chance): Picked Pittsburgh over Jacksonville in the 1:00 game...knocked out before the 4:00 kick offs Week 11 (Third Chance): Picked Kansas City over Giants (my own team!!) in the 1:00 game...knocked out before the 4:00 kick offs and doomed to a lifetime of guilt for not believing in Eli aka "McAdooing" So, basically all this is just to say that if the Chiefs can just win and keep me alive until at least a second game, I'm calling it a win! Let's go Alex Smith!!!"
Commish says: Remember this SZN forever. It will be your crowning achievement. It's hard to lose this much, that early. WE ALL SALUTE YOU! HAIL @MSBERNSTE!!!
@kbanaian (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Saints): "Which will it be? Will Bortles stare down a receiver and a) have the snap bounce off his hands; b) get confused which color his team is wearing; or c) make a seven-step drop on a quick in-cut and get his one good receiver obliterated by an inside linebacker? Bonus points if all three occur. (And yes, I picked them because the Bills are just-happy-to-be-here.)"
Commish says: Can someone create Bortles prop bets for the Steelers game? Pretty please?
@travelingcynic (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Saints): "All the home teams have superior Home records except the Rams. Thus my picks. Translation: Tossing a turd into the pool to see if it floats."
Commish says: I don't know if turds float but Moxie most definitely does. Floats like a motherf***ing champ.
@megan (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Panthers): "Commish, please enlighten me: How does Hue Jackson still have a job?"
Commish says: I would hire Hue Jackson over Mike McCarthy in a heartbeat. I know that doesn't answer your question.
@Ravenous (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Saints): "Ok, I snuck back in to pick the same picks I originally took. Only to make a lengthy explanation! Well I was holding on to a superstitious thaught while in the brando comp, which was I hadn't made a comment and I kept winning! Maybe I was right because I finally commented on week 17 and....well the fact that I'm writing here and not there explains itself! I am now going to break that superstition. Maybe it's the bud light lime? And yes we do have bud light lime in Canada! They actually stay very cold in our igloo's! Also I've trained my pet beaver to open them # win. That's actually the first time I've put a hash tag ( previously known as pound, or the number symbol) in front of anything! Either way, I've been visited by 3 ghosts. Jared Allen- the ghost of football past has all but told me who WILL win the Superbowl! Guess why Mr 69 was the one to visit? The ghost of football present had a different prediction, but equally as wise his name was Blake. He mostly just talked about how scared he was, but I truly believe that he has enough confidence in his team to get through the tatank's! Finally the ghost of football future... Sir John Harbaugh, who even even though in the 2020's where the ravens will make 5 Superbowl appearances and he guarantees at least 2 wins...no shit! He still says his biggest shame is loosing to a less than mediocre bengals team to ruin the 2018 bowl run. Just to add for all the ravens haters, love it or hate it but we will acquire the 2-3 pieces we need on offense in the next 2 years, and I'm sorry but girlguides could put on a ravens defense helmet and pride and history will be enough! Sorry this was not supposed to be a boast about the ravens. Just making up for the lack of comment all season. Or maybe its the bud light lime? You know even light beer is stronger in Canada. Right? I forgot what my initial rant was to entail? I think I was excited when everyone on the nfl network agreed that Atlanta would be the big away team to win wild card weekend! Also everyone in the southern states should known that the past 2 weeks here in Manitoba ( the middle section of Canada) it's been -30 to -40 deg. C!! In relation to Fahrenheit " F" would still be fukn cold. -40 is where Celsius and Fahrenheit are exactly the same! I apologise if you read to the end. If you disagree with anything blame it on the bud light lime! If you agree....we'll funk right EH!"
Commish says: MOAR Canada! MOAR Bud Light Lime! MOAR Canadians drinking BLL while writing pick comments!
@ballparkboys (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "I’ve sat thru 15 years of crappy Rams seasons so there’s no way I’m picking against them this week! Let’s hope they don’t lay a big egg this week!"
Commish says: Does someone know @ballparkboys? Can we check on @ballparkboys? Commish is concerned about @ballparkboys.
@pgawne (Titans, Rams, Bills, Saints): "I understand that the Jags defense is great but at the end of the day they still trot Robby “Blake” Bortles our there under center. Say what you will about Tyrod but I’ll take his legs over Robby’s arm. "
Commish says: Ya but u forgot abt Bobbys legs
@jpridberg1 (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "Love you commish. "
Commish says: <3 <3 <3
@Bruce_Arians_Driving_Cap (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "I am the WALRUS"
Commish says: Photos plz.
@SaltyDalty (Titans, Rams, Bills, Panthers): "@OJ4MVP BUTT TATTOO BET ROUND 2"
Commish says: ... so now you'll each have a butt tattoo?
@JDollar32 (Chiefs, Falcons, Jaguars, Saints): "I'm submitting a pick comment only because it said to to do so in the picking alerts."
Commish says: I LOVE people who read. You're the best humans.
@Kylefriedman33 (Chiefs, Rams, Jaguars, Saints): "I’m hammered"
Commish says: Don't give me this shit. Go actually get hammered, pick the Titans and Falcons... and maybe the Bills, too... and then get back to me.
HOUSEKEEPING
- HasselBracket Divisional Round picks lock SATURDAY at 1:25pm PT - 10 minutes before the first game.
- HasselBracket is NON-elimination. You pick all 11 playoff games. Most wins is the champ.
- No Bachelor or Golf SZNs this year. Commish and GM are sticking to football so we can make the thing you enjoy most as awesome as possible.
- Every competition page always shows winners in the gray "Competition summary" sidebar (bottom of screen on mobile). Commish updates these summaries as the season goes.
- Your profile now shows your pick history. Check it out!
- Commish and GM play in all SZN competitions, but we can't win any money. This isn't DraftKings amateur hour.
- How was everyone except Mike McCarthy the problem? Ughhhhhhhh
- Commish loves you. Way more than he loves Mike McCarthy.