Friends in Football,
@BigDaddy (Commish's dad, in case you haven't watched us all season) is texting me Super Bowl updates. My mom and him live a few blocks from the Vikings stadium.
I told him to get at least one celeb/athlete cameo every day. I've received Stefon Diggs and weather app screenshots instead. Which is kind of how a Patriots-Eagles Super Bowl makes most people feel.
In perhaps the ultimate manifestation of "OK the Browns are SUPER Brownsy, but what else do we know about this year's NFL?", the answer was ultimately "OK, yeah, Belichick and Brady... and I guess Nick Foles."
One more game left in our 2017-18 NFL SZN. No matter how many losses you took (read: a lot), always remember: Commish loves you and will be waiting for you to return next year like a wiggly dog wearing Aaron Rodgers foot warmers.
HASSELBRACKET ROUND 4: GO MAKE YOUR PICKS!
With the Eagles upset last week, just TWO people are standing at 9-1. Given the tiebreaker rules, Commish anticipates they'll go on opposite sides of the Super Bowl, but regardless, this means some people who go 9-2 will place. Incredible.
The picks spreadsheet also duals as a scoreboard. Check it out and consider how bold you want to be with your pick.
Make your HasselBracket Super Bowl pick >>
Picks are due 10 minutes before kickoff - 3:20pm on Sunday.
YOUR HOT FIRE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS COMMENTS
@branflakecereal (Jaguars, Vikings): "BORTLES SHALL NOT BE DENIED. THE KEENUMBORTLEPOCALYPSE SHALL OCCUR IN THE LAND THE SUN HAS FORSAKEN, AS WAS FORETOLD IN THE BLAKEONOMICON. ALL WILL BE CONSUMED BY BUBBLE SCREENS IN THE END OF DAYS."
Commish says: I can't stop watching. I CAN'T. I AM CONSUMED. WHERE DO I BOW DOWN?!?
@Listen2zyetti (Jaguars, Vikings): "A prideful man might stop making picks. But I am not that man. I will go down with the ship, as I did with my Packers and Trojans this year: with a Caguama in hand (the original BLL) and a tear in my eye."
Commish says: Do you know the people at Caguama? (Is Caguama still made?) Can we ask them to ship a special run of Caguama Lime Lite? Or maybe it's Lime Caguama Lala? Tell them we'll market the shit out of it. Can you make this happen?
@hockey3430 (Jaguars, Eagles): "This is basically a formality after I got SKOL f**ked in that Saints-Vikings game. Not only did I lose in this but I lost my JAX-NO moneyline parlay. It was very deflating. Speaking of which, Go Pats!"
Commish says: Wait, is this a thing? It should be a thing, right? Vikings fans (if you're still breathing) - can you confirm or deny that drunk Scandinavians are walking around in heavy parkas with bright purple "GET SKOLF***ED" shirts over them?
@aaronjarvinen (Jaguars, Eagles): "At this point, just going with the matchup I want in the Super Bowl. The ONLY thing that could make me root for Tom "tuck it back tight" Brady and Bill "the most slovenly multimillionaire" Bellichick is if the Vikings are playing. God, I hate the Vikings. Quick side story. I grew up outside of La Crosse, right on the 'sconi/'sota border. In 18 years, I could give two shits about the Vikings. Yeah, the Pack sucked until the Majik man showed, but the Vikes weren't worth the brainpower. I much more concerned myself with how we'd beat the Bears. College in Milwaukee, same thing. Vikings? Uh, I guess they're a team. But then in '02 I moved to Minneapolis. And living in this place has made me loathe and detest the purple fairies more than I could've ever imagined. Living in enemy territory has made me realize just how much I relish in their annual meltdown. How I wished that the "Minneapolis Miracle" hadn't happened. You know that's on billboards all over the place here already? The only potential upside to a Vikings/Pats Super Bowl? The Vikings break the futility tie with the Bills. God damn I hate them. I should probably see a therapist over this."
Commish says: Another idea! The Weekly "You Should Probably See a Therapist" Award. Should it happen? It should probably happen!
@dgsaites (Jaguars, Eagles): "Commish haiku: This season is bad There is only one bright light The BFIG"
Commish says: This is an annual crisis for me. How many of you think this is a real haiku (meaning the final line is five syllables)? And how many of you are like, "YO, it's 'BEE-FIG' - this ain't no damn haiku!"? See, I call it "bee-fig", but have learned many of you don't. Help Commish resolve his crisis. Or, you know, deepen it.
@jay (Patriots, Vikings): "This is a little too easy so I'll give you final scores too: Pats romp and create Bortlephobia 38-10 Vikes euphoria continues in Philadelphia 24-17 Mike McCarthy comes to his senses and falls on his sword. Packers enter repechage phase of season with Ted Thompson as interim coach. "
Commish says: Your predictions were terrible but WHY DIDN'T THIS HAPPEN? The Mike McCarthy part. Not the repechage part, because I had to Google what repechage was.
@JB_GoHawks (Jaguars, Vikings): "I promised my only Jacksonville fan friend I would by a Blake Bortles jersey for knocking the Stealers and the Patriots. I am ready for Bortlemania!!"
Commish says: Blake Bortles jerseys are available to those who believed in BORTLEMANIA!!! at least 18 months ago, and preferably during the years Jacksonville made us doubt whether the Browns were the worst franchise in modern sports history. Blake Bortles jerseys are also available to those who convince Blake Bortles to GET IN THE POOL!!!
@perriskelly (Patriots, Vikings): "I don't know if I can live in a world where Blake Bortles is a Super Bowl starting QB. I mean, his name is BLAKE BORTLES!!! I wouldn't buy a used Ford Fiesta from a guy named Blake Bortles let alone root for him to win a Super Bowl. The nonsense has to stop and it stops now!"
Commish says: Yeah but what if the Fiesta was $200 and it came with ten 30 racks of BLL and the guy said, "You'll feel the MANIA"? Would you buy it then?
@saradymond (Patriots, Eagles): "I am an Eagles fan. My husband and I went to the Eagles Falcons game and it was Amazeballs. Of COURSE I’m picking the Birds!!!! We are going to the Superbowl, baby! I would love to pick the Jags, but Tom Brady is like Thor. They both had long lucious locks but cut them to kick some better ass. "
Commish says: It's really too bad Brady doesn't still have long hair. Everyone would debate whether his football arm or his luscious long locks at age 40 were stronger indications of non-human form.
@RDH24 (Patriots, Eagles): "Simulated a Madden season before the year started, and Madden said Eagles vs Patriots in the Superbowl....you don't mess with John Madden! *BOOM* Tough Actin Tenactin!!!"
Commish says: You buried the lede! What was the Maddenbowl result? Does John Madden posthumously predict Survivor seasons, too?
@quicksilver87 (Jaguars, Vikings): "Going for Bortlemania in the Twin Cities in the super bowl. Coincidence that my phone auto-corrected Bortlemania to "bejesus"? I think not! And shout out to you, Commish, for the history page reference. Not only did alleviate my need to know the BFIG definition, but it blew my mind that your college roommate and my buddy, Josh Huff, won this thing in its opening year! Small f***ing world. "
Commish says: The Bobby Bottle Service Bejesus BORTLEMANIA!!! BONANZA!!! Yes, that's a grammatically correct sentence. And I hope you asked our 2009 champ how many wins he has in the eight seasons since (answer: not many).
@ekahn93 (Patriots, Eagles): "Rematch of Super Bowl 39 looming? The only people left still in the NFL from that game are Tom Brady and the mop that cleaned up McNabb's puke (allegedly). I was in elementary school watching that game! Elementary School!! I'm now 24 and staring adutlhood dead in the face. It hurts for me to drag myself out of bed to get to work every morning. How in the world is Tom still here doing what he does? That is an incredible perspective and I feel honored (and mostly envious) to have witnessed Brady's whole HOF career..I just hope he screws it up again"
Commish says: Adutlhood (sp): What happens when you're staring adulthood in the face at 24 and all you see is Tom Brady-led destruction.
@Normster (Jaguars, Eagles): ""Blake Bortles is the 70th best quarterback in the NFL" -Chris Simms"
Commish says: What Chris Simms doesn't understand is that he just doesn't understand. You can't explain BORTLEMANIA!!!, especially if you're Chris Simms. Was there ever SIMMSMANIA!!! No, there wasn't. Tell Chris Simms to A) Shut up, and B) Join The SZN we'd love to have him thanks.
@Coco (Patriots, Eagles): "PACKERS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!"
Commish says: YA. YA! YAAAAAAAAAA!!!
HOUSEKEEPING
- Season payouts will process by next Sunday (one week after the Super Bowl). If you won something, Commish will send you an email soon so you can tell him how you want to get paid.
- HasselBracket Super Bowl picks lock SUNDAY at 3:20am PT - 10 minutes before the game.
- No Bachelor or Golf SZNs this year. Commish and GM are sticking to football so we can make the thing you enjoy most as awesome as possible.
- Every competition page always shows winners in the gray "Competition summary" sidebar (bottom of screen on mobile). Commish updates these summaries as the season goes.
- Your profile now shows your pick history. Check it out!
- Commish and GM play in all SZN competitions, but we can't win any money. This isn't DraftKings amateur hour.
- Commish loves you. Way more than he loves Mike McCarthy.