If you're gonna win BFIG, you have to place your trust in a wide range of teams throughout the year. Just don't trust Washington. (Part 5 of our "torpedoed dreams" series.)
The Washington Dumpster Fire won its division last year.
Some people ask me, "Wait, does that mean they're no longer the Dumpster Fire?"
Commish responds one of two ways: 1) "Might I sell you some Bengals tickets?" or 2) What do you call a team that wins 35 percent of the games it's picked to win in a survivor pool?"
Some time in 2014, Commish was like, "Man, Washington is a complete mess in this thing - and often in general - every year." I'd given tons of teams temporary monikers in past BFIG seasons - the no-Harbaughs, the Buttfumbles - but I didn't give this name. You did.
Cue the comments...
Rob Francis (49ers, Week 12 2014): "49ers are not great but they win. Washington is a dumpster fire and traveling across the country."
Michael Trezza (Colts, Week 13 2014): "Here's to hoping Rams vs Raiders or Giants vs Jags backfires while I continue to ride against the RG3/Gruden dumpster fire in their second straight road game."
David Mikulka (Colts, Week 13 2014): "Counting on Andrew Luck to throw on just a little more gasoline on that dumpster fire."
Josh Frydman (Jets, Week 5 2015): "I picked the Jets week 1 while still in the main pool and advanced. I picked a team other than the Jets week 2 and lost. Could picking the Jets be the secret to staying alive in BFIG? Could picking the Jets be the secret to LIFE? Or is it just that when you have a chance to pick agains the Washington Dumpster Fire on the road, you do it. Yeah that sounds like the better life motto."
Like motivation through a Haynesworth, these are the Dumpster Fires of our lives.
And so it was. Until Washington gets a new team name, the Dumpster Fire it shall remain.
Besides, if Vegas put out this prop bet today - "Will Washington make the playoffs again, devolve into a dumpster fire, or have a middling-but-uneventful season? PLAYOFFS (-110), DUMPSTER FIRE (-210), UNEVENTFUL (+200)" - you know exactly where the money is gonna come in.
Best damn dumpster fire odds since sophomore RG3!
2016 Update: 3-3 when picked; 467 people survived picking them against Cleveland in Week 4. Aside from that, they had 8 wins against 42 losses.
Back to the hard facts. Boasting a .353 winning percentage over seven years of survivor is an extremely difficult feat.
This isn't a pick'em where you're forced to pick every game. You only pick teams when you're pretty damn sure they're gonna win.
And, year after year, we prove that our picks are usually right. Between 2009 and 2014, BFIG's collective winning clip was between 66.4 and 77.5 percent. (2015 was, well, Jamarcus.)
So that .353? Man. Commish is actually impressed.
You know what, I think I'll go pay homage to that .353. Give me a sec...
In truth, I know some wonderful people who are Washington fans. I have nothing against that team.
But would I trust them in a survivor pool?
I actually asked myself this recently, shortly after a bartender informed me that Bud Light Lime is not on tap... in any bar in America. I took a deep breath, looked to the sky, and the answer came to me in the form of a gif:
The Washington Dumpster Fire torpedoes dreams.
And yes, you like that.
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You can check out all five "torpedoed dreams" articles here. Truth be told, from a coldly rational, Barnwellian perspective, none of this stuff should matter. But it shouldn't have mattered in 2009-2016, either... Pick at your own risk!
And if you haven't gotten in for the 2017 NFL SZN, you have till Sunday (9/10) at 9:50am PDT. GET IN HERE!