BFIG Nation,
In this, the TENTH season-opening picks email in BFIG history, Commish wants to thank you...
... for ignoring all of his advice and forgetting disasters of BFIG past so damn quickly.
In 2016, just two short years ago, Week 2 brought us the first-ever Survivorpocalypse. 96 percent of BFIG dropped out in one week because seemingly every safe pick lost.
The biggest Survivorpocalypse transgressor, with HALF of the picks that week? Your New Orleans Saints. At home to the Tampa Bay Bucs.
But history doesn't matter, right? Depends on which (survivor) gods you believe in.
And, by the way, those gods will tell you to avoid picking divisional games, avoid picking road teams, and avoid letting perception matter more than record (or, in this case, the Bills' 2017 playoff apperance).
Through it all, just remember: Commish loves you. He always has and always will. But don't say he never warned you.
BFIG X. IT'S ON. GOOD LUCK, EVERYONE!
WEEK 1 PICKS AND FAST FACTS
View every damn pick (spreadsheet view)
Your group pages show you picks for just that group
FAST FACTS:
- The Saints are our top pick, with just over 31% of us backing Brees and the Boys over the Fitzmagic Bucs at home.
- New Orleans is responsible for the most early season (Weeks 1-4) losses in BFIG history.
- Baltimore was close behind, with 30% of us picking the Ravens to dispose of the Petermans.
- Only FOUR percent of us picked against the Browns.
- In case you forgot, the Browns went 0-16 last year and 1-15 the year before that.
- Somehow, no one picked Houston and no one picked Dallas. Hello? Texas, you there? Commish is looking for your loyalty and Moxie.
- Update on the most picked teams in BFIG history: Patriots (72), Packers (65), Seahawks (58), and Steelers (52).
- The Steelers are by far the worst performer of that bunch: 32-19 to date (.627).
- The Pats? .817. F***ing Pats...
WEEK 1 AWARDS
"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award
The SZN's third most prestigious award, behind the BFIG Title Belt and the Haynesworth Hustle Award. You can't win BFIG without showing a little Moxie!
@chapmattman (Bears): "Khalil Mack, need we say more? If we need, then let us say Khalil Mack."
Commish says: Nay. Let us say CHAPMATTMAN. Khalil is not worthy of your Moxie! (Also, you have a partner in Moxie crime this week. Keep reading!)
Commish Communication Award
Quite simply, this is BFIG's best weekly comment (or three)
@Watt_In_Tarnation (Ravens): "Visualize the start of the Buffalo Bills’ season as a Bills Mafia Tailgate, with the first three defenses they face (Ravens, Chargers, Vikings) as the metaphorical flaming folding table. Nathan Peterman is the shirtless, intoxicated sacrifice that has been chosen to plunge off the top of Sean McDermott’s 1970s RV and into the formidable flames. Go get em’, Nate. Best just to close your eyes and hope for the best. Also, this would be a good time to up that life insurance policy and lower that annual health insurance deductible… Let’s all pour a little BLL out for the homie, Nathan Peterman. "
Commish says: Yes. YES!! Do you have a job? Do you like it? Do you want to make "BFIG: The Movie" instead? Plz?
@dclas (Lions): "Last year I explained to you my prewife was “Fun Facts with Britt”. We are on our honeymoon and she said she was picking the Ravens over my Bills. Needless to say this was the shortest marriage in BFIG history. We made it 10 days. Go Bills. -Bills Mafia. "
Commish says: Honoring this because 1) You gave us the term "prewife", 2) BFIG was in your wedding toast (right? don't let Commish down), and 3) BFIG destroyed your marriage because slamming tables in zero-degree weather will ALWAYS take precedent over love, honor, and commitment. (Wait a second, Bills Mafia IS about love, honor, and commitment. I need a minute. I'm crying.)
"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL. Can you convince anyone that your pick is the right pick? Then I bet you could sell Bengals tickets, too!
@mcieslak2389 (Steelers): "The Browns are still the Browns. Until proven otherwise, they are still the lowliest of all NFL franchises. Let’s think about the teams they are plucking their “talent” from. Miami Dolphins (6-10), San Francisco 49ers (6-10) and the Buffalo Bills (9-7.) Since when is taking players from shitty football teams and adding them to a zero win team recipe for improvement? Their quarterback doesn’t know what his name is. Their defensive coordinator is calling his own players stupid. Their head coach is telling his coordinators, who were both more successful head coaches, they don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to practice reps, because it takes a different perspective when you’re a head coach. It is still a dumpster fire in Cleveland and Bron Bron isn’t there anymore to mask the shortcomings of the football operation. As a result, the team goes on Hard Knocks, drafts the most polarizing QB in the draft, and somehow get the national media on the hype train of all hype trains. They are not fooling me! It does not matter if Le’Veon Bell plays this week. Trent Richardson could be toting The Duke and they would still win. The last time the Cleveland Browns won a divisional game? October 11, 2015 against the Baltimore Ravens. That was the middle of Gary Barnkowski-mania. Death, taxes and the Browns will continue their Brownsy losing ways. "
Commish says: 2015? Seriously?! Ooof. Oooooooof.
Definitely Not Concussed Award
Can you teach us something new? No, there are no rules. Just teach us something. Anything. Please?
@ryankempsoos (Ravens): "My father once told me "Son, cool ranch doritos are far superior to the traditional nacho cheese variety." He let me know that "Staples are better than paperclips... because they show confidence." And that "A woman loves a man who can flawlessly execute a back hand spring wearing nothing but flip flops." and most importantly that "micro brewed beer is just something Hallmark invented to sell greeting cards" but even after imparting all that wisdom on me his most valuable advice to date is that "the buffalo bills are and always will be a large pile of hot garbage behind a red lobster on a sunny day in reno." Thanks to him making this pick is a no brainer, honestly i cannot emphasize how little thought i put into it... because survival pools are just so easy. Football is a piece of cake, i might as well just close my eyes spin around and hit the keyboard with a bat. 50k I'm coming for ya... someone hold my beer"
Commish says: Can your dad teach us things every week? MORE POPSKEMPSOOS!
THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'
Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.
@rnorwood (Saints): "Ace Hardware already has Christmas merchandise on sale, in case anyone is interested. It's never too early to pay tribute to the season, and ward off any potential greasy turds in your stocking that one may have earned this year. My personal greasy turd of record with respect to BFIG has been Jay Cutler. Every damn time I've made a comment about his mopey-dopey sideline behavior, his doughy exterior or his like-I-give-a-shit facial expressions, he drops 300 and 4 TDs against my survivor pick. So, here's to you Jay Cutler. You won't be missed. Let the doorknob hit you where the dog should've bit you."
Commish says: How BFIG, erm... legends... live on forever is a crucial question for us as we move forward. Does anyone know Jay? Or the photographer who took Jay's beach butt shot? GET HIM IN THE POOL!!!
@crashfu14 (Ravens): "Week 1 is the worst. Dread hangs over you like a shoal of eels, blocking out the light of all hope and joy. I just don't want to be the first one who gets popped the second the amphibious ramp comes down as we hit the BFIG beach head. (Omaha!) There's no elixir, nor any amount of voodoo that can help you here. Don't do anything cute. Pick with the mooing masses and keep your head down. Week 1 is no time to take to the streets braless."
Commish says: Mooing masses. Shoal of eels. Paige in midseason form!!
DAVID MICK'S IRRATIONAL AND INEVITABLE MARCH TOWARD THE TITLE BELT
@mick's logic is awful. His enthusiasm is fantastic. His rationality is poor. His charisma is off the charts. David Mick is a walking paradox. David Mick will also, inevitably, be our champion.
@mick (Bears): "You know what!?!?!?!? I'm just going to go ahead and do it! I've thought about it all week and talked about it many times in this competition over the past years but today is the day. I'm going full Moxey week 1!!!!! This is how I'm going to take the title this year. Just going all out with huge picks all season. I talk about the bears being awesome all the time and finally I'm just going to do and take them on the road against the pack in prime time! Maybe its because i had some beers last night... Maybe its because the Boomer Blast this morning on espn had me hyped about the BEARS pack rivalry... Hell maybe its because Moxey rhymes with Robin of Loxley and I'm just going to go heroic outlaw on all yall with my pick. Just going to steal from rich Rodgers and give to the poor bear fans of the last few years. In all honesty though its not that bad of a pick. The reasons why are because rodgers has lost his main man at wide receiver and really who do they have to run the ball. they got some guys but no real studs. The Bears defense was underrated last year and they are even better this year. In fact with the addition of Smith and Mack playing under Fangio its not only better its just scary good! Rodgers just got all that money and we know how some people play after getting all that money. A lot of times they just go busto because why really play when you've already made it. Add that with the fact that the packers always start slow and that rodgers has to give the speech of "hey we are a good team" every year during the 5th week is a recipe for upset city in Green Bay tonight. If that's not enough info to make you a believer lets talk about that Bears offense! Well ok its not as good as the defense but hey Trubisky is in his second year and he has some receivers to throw to this year as well as a dynamic new TE to throw too. Lets not forget about the bruising running from Howard countered with the explosiveness from Cohen. Its not the best offense but man its pretty good and couple that with the great d and they win this game. Oh I almost forgot about the biggest sleeper in all of fantasy sports!!!! Whos is that you say... Well is Kevin White finally healthy. Book him for at least a touch down today and maybe the game winner just to cement the fact that he is finally ready to go! Finally let me just go ahead and put the nail in the coffin on this packers for this game! The current series record between the two teams is Packers with 96 wins and the Bears with 94 wins so basically the Bears are due. Its math people go ahead and lock it up!!!!!"
Commish says: You did it! You have elevated to a new form of consciousness. Mick for president! MICK FOR PRESIDENT!
MORE PICK COMMENTS
@TebowPlaysBaseballNow (Saints): "I’m sitting on a beach in Langkawi, Malaysia on my honeymoon contemplating this pick. I got married last week (to fellow BFIGer Danny Clas) and unfortunately he’s a Bills fan. I had picked Baltimore over Buffalo, but then he threatened to divorce me so I switched it to New Orleans. I think due to the short tenure of the marriage it would actually be an annulment, not a divorce. But still, I want to keep our gifts and we just shelled out a shit-ton of money for our wedding photos and videos and I don’t want to be single when we get those back. Here we go, Drew. Do it for marriage. "
Commish says: SHE CHANGED IT! BFIG SAVES MARRIAGES!!
@owskijazz (Browns): "Ladies and Gents. I am once again overconfident and stupid. And so you have... Jacksonville #2"
Commish says: For the uninitiated, this man is in the SZN Hall of Fame. Why? He picked the 0-8 Jacksonville Jaguars to win when 80 percent of the pool was on the Jags' opponent. You know how the story ended. So, Browns? BROWNS?!?!
@jrock08 (Lions): "It's the first week, which means it's time to relearn how to read Vegas odds. Negative good, positive bad. It's time to try to figure out which teams are bad with some targeted internet searches like: "Are the Browns still the worst team in football?" "Is Tyrod Taylor is the second coming of Aaron Rodgers?" "Do the Bills have a QB?" "Who is Nathan Peterman and why does his last name have three syllables?" "Why would a college graduate give up a job in finance to be the Jets 4th string QB?" "Is sports betting legal?" "Does New Jersey have Bud Light limes?" "Why do teams play preseason games?""
Commish says: Your second to last question isn't a Google search. It's a prime real estate freeway billboard. GIVE NEW JERSEY MORE BLL!!
@Zackler (Lions): "You might say that the New York Jets are just like Bud Light Lime this year: reformulated with new ingredients to make it even better. And you might say that Sam Darnold is the equivalent of real lime peels added to the brewing process that makes the whole thing work even better. But you’d be wrong. They’re not like Bud Light Lime. They’re the Jets. And they suck. And no amount of lime peels is going to change that. Detroit (Detroit??) will beat the Jets at home."
Commish says: Favorite bit so far: "But they're not like BLL. They're the Jets. And they suck."
@Jasinators (Ravens): "I love you commish. Don’t ask why"
Commish says: I don't ask why. But I love you, too. What's your name? I love you.
@ljbburn (Lions): "Matt Stafford will throw for more than 400 yards, and we will see a Detroit rusher go for 87, the commentators will bring up the 100 yard streak six times."
Commish says: Regis Philbin, in the year 2050: "For a MILLION dollars... in the film, 'A Detroit Rusher,' the main character..." (You: 99 F***ING YARDS! GIVE ME THE MONEY!!)
@tmulvey (Eagles): "Since 2000 defending Super Bowl Champions are 15-3 in Week 1 the following season. Green Man is not about to let that be 15-4."
Commish says: Who, exactly, is Green Man? Nick Foles on the front of a frozen peas bag? What every drunken male Eagles fan screams (while pounding his chest) after being turned down at a bar? Andy Reid in a seafoam blazer?
@andrewkleinhenz (Packers): "So last year I had a terribly painful, debilitating health issue called recurrent corneal erosion. For about a nine month period the outermost layer of my eyeball didn't attach correctly to the layers behind it and would get torn off every week or so. Probably 95% of the time it occurred it hurt much less than it sounds, but that last 5% was unbelievably painful. The most painful episode was the last time I went to the doctor the day before my first surgery to fix it. They poked and prodded an already scraped eye but did not give me any pain medication. So after the visit I was literally outside the doctor's office sitting alone on the sidewalk and panicking about how I would even open my eyes to see where the Uber app was on my phone. Also, to keep your eye perfectly still and prevent your eyelid from rubbing against an already torn eyeball layer, you basically can't move. So walking to meet a car would not have been fun. Miraculously, as I was doing this, there was a cab a few cars down, which I managed to see from a quarter opened eyeball while wincing in pain. I got home, I collapsed, and long story short, I eventually recovered. Why do I mention this? Because the above horrible episode happened midweek at the end of October/early November. So despite having horrible pain and subsequently having eye surgery to scrape half the front of my eye off with what looked like a screwdriver, I got my pick in. I could hardly see my phone a few inches in front of my face, but my pick was in. And it was a good pick. Shouldn't that be an awesome story? Well, my pick was Seattle in week 9. Some of you may remember that game. Doug Baldwin was running free with about a minute and a half left going into the end zone. He could have kneeled and basically secured victory. He even could have run out of bounds and likely secured victory. Either they run down the time and score a TD with little time remaining or they kick a chip shot field goal and win with no time. But what did he do? He did what your friends do in Madden. He scored the TD immediately. And then Washington scored a TD. And then Seattle failed. All in about a minute. Thus is the survivor pool. Thus is life."
Commish says: Survivor! Welcome back! Doug Baldwin loves your eyeballs!!!
@NotoriousBOG (Ravens): "This is the year... that I make it to week 5"
Commish says: I've been saying this for... seven years now. But HEY, 2009 was a great year for me!
@Frenchie16 (Packers): "Bud Light Orange? Really? What's next? Bud Light Avocado. Bud Light Pumpkin. Bud Light Bacon. Now maybe that would have some legs."
Commish says: Bud Light Pumpkin Spice. Prounounced B-L-Pssssss. DON'T DENY IT. JUST LET IT HAPPEN.
@jhangge14 (Steelers): "I'm going against both of my dad's rules...A Division matchup on the road...but it's the Brown's, and one time, I witnessed them lose at home."
Commish says: Survivor golden rule #1: Avoid divisional games, if possible. Survivor golden rule #2: Avoid road teams, if possible. IT WAS POSSIBLE. Remember this, Steelers backers.
@kensofer (Lions): "I think Sam Darnold is going to be a very good NFL quarterback... but he is not going to win his first pro game as a starter on the road."
Commish says: I think Matt Stafford is a very good NFL quarterback... but his team is never THAT good and are we sure he's better than Sam Darnold?
@sjcohen96 (Ravens): "Going to go ahead and root for any team playing the Bills. Who is even on that team anymore? Worse qb, worse o-line, worse rb (to start), worse defense. I just feel bad for the bills. How did they make the playoffs last year?"
Commish says: Survivor gods: "Records matter more then perception." SAY IT WITH ME!
@jademobrien (Lions): "Is there a quarterback in the league who looks like more of a frat boy than Sam Darnold...maybe so. And if there is, he is Matthew Stafford. I’ll take Stafford in this one. Maybe he’ll get out the paddle at the end and make Darnold do a keg stand. "
Commish says: Can we please get the NFL quarterback frat boy rankings? BFIG needs it. We all need it.
@msbernste (Saints): "I've spent an entire offseason repeating the mantra: don't pick divisional games, don't pick divisional games, don't pick divisio....ah what the hell....Drew Brees forever!"
Commish says: COMMISH CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.
@rzamora05 (Saints): "This exact matchup made me lose two years ago. No way it's going to happen again.....i hope. "
Commish says: My first thought seeing the pick numbers: How many people are in this exact situation? Has to be a bunch, right?
@SkoalDaddy (Packers): "First week of the season. Feels good to be back! Last year I lost picking against the Giants.... horrific. My friend was supposed to get his nipple pierced because he was so confident the Giants would lose and guess what.... his nipples are still intact. This season is all me, no outside interference. I am coming for the title."
Commish says: This friend is in BFIG, right? Can someone find "E-L-I" nipple rings? Or maybe just Eli's face... on a ring? commish@theszn.com. Thank you.
@trentski (Lions): "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Lions, shit shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Lions,shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Lions,shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Lions,shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Lions, Lions, Lions, Lions, Lions, Lions, Lions, shiiiiiiiiitttttttt!"
Commish says: It's amazing how many Lions picks look exactly like this.
@Wren (Saints): "The Bucs are a disaster. They could go 0-16"
Commish says: BFIG truism: All terrible teams start with "B." Back in 2010, we first witnessed the ABS: Anti-Bills Strategy. Then, the Browns... the Bucs... ABS always lives!
@Benny (Saints): "Because Drew Brees is a Boss and you don’t go to his house, especially week one and come out with the W. "
Commish says: Have you tried this? Is it a universal rule? Like, "Yo, Drew, Scrabble?" Or laundry basketball? Algebra flash cards? Do we know how to get to Drew's house? Who wants to go with me?
@wright (Packers): "It's time for a woman to take the final prize!"
Commish says: Edit: Our defending champ is a woman! Did you see the updated Title Belt?! theSZN.com/bfig-history/
@mcley (Packers): "Counting on the Commish's allegiances to bring me victory. He did what!!?!?!"
Commish says: Favre-to-Freeman MNF reference! You get featured for this!
@OJ_is_innocent (Saints): "Aaron Rogers fathered my child"
Commish says: What's his name? Can you buy title belts for kids? Is he in the pool? How young is too young for BFIG?
@SaltyDalty (Ravens): "Quoth the Ravens “No butt tattoo for SaltyDalty this year”"
Commish says: What does butt tattoo 1 look like?
@UCFnick (Ravens): "Joey Buttaflacco!"
Commish says: Do you know Joey? Can you tell us a story?
@Grube456 (Ravens): "Flaccoroni"
Commish says: We're getting close...
@Jpa333 (Ravens): "Mars Cheese Castle sucks."
Commish says: Annnnd that'll do it for this week. Good luck, everyone!