Friends in football,
Today, the Sunday of NFL Week 5, is one of the universe's great days.
We're all (back) in. We're imbued with a glorious collective confidence. The couch, being slept on since you led your significant other astray in BFIG Week 1, no longer carries bad juju.
Commish quickly compiled a list of days better than today:
- The day Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick get married. Commish will be the officiant, Brett Favre the ring bearer. Aaron will change his name to Aaron Rodgers-Patrick because you bet he will.
- The day "He did WHAT?!?"
- The day Albert Haynesworth joins SZN and refers a friend, thus earning himself a place on the Haynesworth Hustle leaderboard.
- May 9, 2008: The day Bud Light Lime was born.
It's a very short list. Enjoy the fun today, and may you prosper with the fortune of eleven hundred Brett Favre dropped interceptions.
WEEK 5 PICKS AND FAST FACTS
Spreadsheet view: BFIG | SC
Group pages show picks for just your group
FAST FACTS:
- The Patriots (32%) are our top pick in both competitions, reflecting a season of mass carnage and shattered confidence.
- BFIG has just 15 teams picked, with no underdogs chosen and no game with people on both sides. It's Week FIVE, people. Bury your Moxie at your own risk.
- In a weird wrinkle, aside from the Vikings majority pick in Week 3, our top pick has garnered 31%, 31%, 33%, and 32% of our picks in the other four weeks.
- Carolina (30%) is our second pick, with Tennessee and Cincinnati (each at 10%) rounding out our top four.
- Four people picked the Packers, a road team in a divisional game.
- Commish loves the four of you, but he cannot save you.
- We're 7,497-6,091 on the year so far, good for a win rate of 55.2%.
- Our lowest-ever win rate was 2015 (the Week 2 Survivorpocalypse), at 52%. But the next lowest is all the way up at 68%. We'll almost certainly fall in between those numbers this year.
- Feast on alllll the BFIG history and records here
WEEK 5 AWARDS
"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award
The SZN's third most prestigious award, behind the BFIG Title Belt and the Haynesworth Hustle Award. You can't win BFIG without showing a little Moxie!
@DolphinsFightSong (Cardinals): "Commish's comment about records mattering more than perception is nonsense this early in the season. How many times do you need to watch the Pats start 2-2 to prove that? 49ers suck right now. Besides, I'm morally opposed to second chance pools, so doing things like picking 0-4 road teams seems like the right way to participate while keeping my conscience clean."
Commish says: 1) The Pats are the eternal exception; 2) Records matter more than perception; 3) Even in Week 2; 4) You could have told me I was Satan dressed as Goodell for Halloween and I still would have given you the Moxie. NICE WORK.
Commish Communication Award
Quite simply, this is BFIG's best weekly comment (or three)
@b3neficial (Patriots): "I'm a Packers fan working at a bar in New England that doesn't carry Bud Light Limes. My life is a struggle. But now here's a week I can pick the New England Patriots, and I have managed to convince the bar staff to make me Bud Light limes from scratch on this lonely Wednesday night. So here goes the Patriots lock, and hopefully they can beat the Andrew lucks at home! Dilly Dilly Tommy Braden and bartenders! "
Commish says: This is the best pick comment of the 2018 NFL SZN thus far. If your story is true, it's also the best humanitarian gesture of the 2018 universe.
"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL. Can you convince anyone that your pick is the right pick? Then I bet you could sell Bengals tickets, too!
@James_hunter (Patriots): "Since 2012 the Patriots have gone 2-2 to start the season 4 times. That's 4 times in the past 7 seasons. Their theme song should be "Wake Me Up When September Ends." They haven't gone 2-3 to start the season since 2001, the first season Brady started a game in. It's also worth noting those first two losses were Bledsoe starts, Brady's first 5 starts were 3-2. Basically what I'm saying is that if I'm going to be knocked out in week 5, it's going to be because Brady had his worst start to a season in his entire career. I guess it would be about right. As a die hard Bills fan Brady has been killing me ever since he won that starting job. If I go out I'm taking him with me."
Commish says: This might be the first-ever Patriots pick to win the Bengals award. I don't know how you did it. But I'm f***ing proud of you.
Definitely Not Concussed Award
Can you teach us something new? No, there are no rules. Just teach us something. Anything. Please?
@BradyBrown48 (Patriots): "Andy Dalton is 1 bad decision away from leading the league in interceptions, they're in the bottom 10 in terms of points allowed defensively, and they're 22nd in rushing yards. And yet somehow they're 3-1 and leading the Division, including two statement wins overall perennial playoff teams ~ Baltimore and Atlanta. And they also played Carolina pretty tough. And if it's anything we've learned this season, it's that no pick is safe. BUT until Marty McFly and Doc Brown come back in a Delorean to take us back to 2015, where Cincinnati makes the playoffs. I I can't in all good conscience leave my fate in the hands of Marv Lewis and Andy Dalton. Patriots over Indianapolis. "
Commish says: Are the Bengals this year's best worst team? Who better to lead this team than Marv Lewis and Andy Dalton? The Bengals are going 15-1, aren't they? They're gonna play the Chiefs in the playoffs, and it'll end in a 0-0 tie after 10 scoreless overtimes in which Vontaze Burfict gets ejected three times and the Chiefs don't run an offensive play in two overtime periods because of Andy Reid clock mismanagement.
THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'
Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.
@rnorwood (Saints): "How come nobody in the Harry Potter series is a slacker? No students are ever seen vaping behind the potions lab, or sneaking off to Circle-K to blaze up. Neville Longbottom never blows off Herbology for his PS4 and a can of Pringles. There isn’t a secondary wizarding school for dipshits who can’t keep a “C” average at Hogwarts? “Did you hear? Hermione has to go to Live Oak for a year because her grades suck and she shoplifted shit from Flourish & Blotts.” Whatever, JK Rowling. In the spirit of second chances, let’s roll with the Saints."
Commish says: Does this mean you envision yourself the slacker in the Norwood household?
@crashfu14 (Panthers): "Charmin’s lame advertising campaign for toilet paper features the slogan “Why Not Enjoy the Go?” Several charming cartoon bears enthusiastically wipe their collective butts, and encourage the viewer to enjoy the texture and traction of their high quality TP. I mean, I get it. Dutiful tasks need not be miserable, and why not make the best of a sticky situation. This week is a bit like that. Poor choices, the lingering stench of a Week One failure, and the general unpleasantness of settling for the Second Chance Pool… I’m going with Carolina for no good reason other than enjoying the go. "
Commish says: Meanwhile, Barney is reading this email wondering how the hell he got the axe while Charmin bears run rampant TP'ing their butts.
MORE PICK COMMENTS
@Scutts (Panthers): "Picking against Eli for the second week in a row? Yes please. I’m not afraid the Eliface Commish."
Commish says: That's like saying "I'm wearing a giant fanny pack of fish and I'm not afraid of the Great White swimming toward me." You're either lying or you're delusional.
@SaltyDalty (Titans): "I’ve never made it this far in the pool and don’t know what to do with my hands. Might as well shotgun a glass bottle of Michelob Ultra Dragon Fruit Peach. MUDFRUP GIVE ME STRENGTHHHH"
Commish says: CAN WE MIX MIDFRUP WITH BLL AND CALL IT THE HOLY GRAIL? CAN WE?!
@Sweens (Patriots): "I grew up in Miami. Some of my best friends have hated the Patriots all their lives. My mother hates the Patriots, my son hates the Patriots, I hate the Patriots, and this hatred has brought us together. Touchdown Tom, you stupid, Frankenstein-looking son of a bitch, I swear by Mary and Joseph that I will buy an entire case of Wahlburgers if you can keep me in the pool for one more week."
Commish says: SZN rule #17: If it gets published, it must happen. Photo evidence of your Wahlburger consumption, ASAP.
@TebowPlaysBaseballNow (Bengals): "Danny Clas (Bills Lover) and I are in therapy over me changing my pick from Baltimore to New Orleans in Week 1. It's going fine."
Commish says: Ya but r u 2 still married?
@sommerszg (Bengals): "WHEN HAVE THE BENGALS EVER LET ANYONE DOWN?!"
Commish says: NEVER. NEVER!!!!! (Never.)
@hikee44 (Panthers): "When I saw that Commish had the same pick as me in week 3 I grew very, very worried. My new goal is to think as Commish would and then go against that thinking..."
Commish says: This is one of the wisest BFIG strategies I've ever seen... only problem is you don't know who I pick until it's published. Should I announce my pick early? Would I win the Moxie every week because others would run toward other teams?
@Nowlin (Panthers): "I ran in to a coworker on the elevator who is a Giants fan (living out here in Seattle). To be polite, I said "Go Giants!" He responded "the Giants suck." Enough said."
Commish says: Maybe next time you just slowly unbutton your rain coat to reveal an ELIFACE t-shirt? Fast friends?
@douglaseweldermil (49ers): "In a week where the smartest play says take New England on Thursday night and then you don’t have to sweat through the weekend, I have to take what very well may be the only chance to take SF there is. Here’s looking for the third apocalypse in five weeks as Indy beats NE and knocks out another 70% of the pool while I’m sipping on BLLs watching (well following the score on gamecast as no market outside of SF will carry that game) the Survivor Gods lead SF to victory. PS: No I didn’t forget to put Arizona in the markets that would carry the game. Have you seen them play? No one has!"
Commish says: This used to be called the "Dude watching Jags-Titans in the sports bar" game, because you KNOW that guy either bet the game or is in a survivor pool. But now the Jags and Titans are good. It's the "Dude watching No-Jimmys-No-Sleeves in the sports bar" game!!
@ryankempsoos (Panthers): "There once was a man from Nantucket, a Patriots fan who can suck it. He has nightmares of Eli and David Tyree, the fathful helmet catch from February 3. But as scared as this man may be... Eli will never scare me. Because he, oh he, sucks at football to the 9th degree. Even if they have Saquan Bark-ley the Giants will loose and I'll use my winnings to go Ski."
Commish says: *Bows down* *BOWS DOWN MORE RAPIDLY*
@joshjablonski15 (Panthers): "Every game that I've picked over the past three weeks has been decided by two points for less. It's so stressful on Sundays, that I'm starting to think that BFIG is bad for my mental and emotional health. It's not worse than my Broncos blowing a 10 point lead to the Chefs late in the 4th quarter though. Anyways, making an easy pick this week. Panthers over the Giants. "
Commish says: Maybe bad for your work productivity health (honest answer: how many hours did you spend on BFIG this week?), but never bad for your mental or emotional health. Never.
@kenziehaygood (Bengals): "fingers crossed... I love my no-Jimmys and want to grab them this week, but have to give them another game to see if CJ can even aspire to being a mini-Jimmy. So until we've seen a bit more of him, have to stay away, especially in a division game. "
Commish says: It should catch on, right? It must. GO, NO-JIMMYS, GO!
@BigBert76 (Patriots): "This is the farthest I have made it in this pool since I joined a few years ago....and I have never been happier!! LETS GOOO!!!"
Commish says: BFIG brightens days, transforms lives, and SAVES PLANETS!
@shannonmbrody (Panthers): "Picking Panthers - positively pumped -perfect pigskin performance projected ❤Shannon"
Commish says: I can't believe I featured this.
@axb613 (Chiefs): "even though I got knocked out of the big pool last time it was totally worth it to see my name on that email with the moxie award honestly I was so stoked and I've been waiting for the second chance pool to start just so I could tell you how excited I was. thanks for making my dreams come true commish. BLL cheers to you"
Commish says: In case ANYONE doubts the value, prestige, honor, and glory of a Moxie. Looking at you, thousands of Patriots backers.
@chmccarthy (Patriots): "I violated my only BFIG Law. Never ever pick the overwhelming favorite because thats when you have a chance to "win" a pool. It saved me earlier this year, but I did that last one on a plane and eff me. Minnesota. Losing on my own law is heartbreaking."
Commish says: "Put on your own mask and validate your BFIG ethos before assisting others with theirs." THERE I FIXED IT.
@ikenam (Giants): "Since I apparently can't pick a team I think will ACTUALLY win, this is my pick."
Commish says: Move over Hedge of Happiness, there's a new sheriff in town: The Hedge of Humiliation!!!
@ktenney12 (Panthers): "In this era of offensively powered football where scoring records seem to be set weekly and even Mitch Trubisky can throw for 6 TDs in a game, the New York Football Giants, who possess both Odell Beckham Jr. and Sasquan Barkley on their roster, have not scored 30 points since week 17 of the 2015 NFL season. As one might expect, the Manning Face does not lead to a lot of scoring. Since that time the Carolina Panthers have put at least 30 on the scoreboard 11 times. When McAdoo was the coach there I'm not sure the Giants even had 11 plays in their playbook. And if they did I'm pretty sure half of them just said throw deep to OBJ and pray. Let me put it like this, Eli and the Gianfs might have had worst weekends than me in September, and I both picked the Vikings against the Bills and spent some time in ICU, so the bar was pretty low. Here's to hoping the Manning face is on full display this Sunday. "
Commish says: *Checks Giants Wikipedia* ... My God.
@LeviLeo (Panthers): "I've never strung together more than 3 correct picks in this pool, yet @footballnovice has accrued 29 straight correct picks. Some people just have it, I don't. This pick doesn't matter, Nothing matters....."
Commish says: Commish's love matters, and I love you. Now, go bloom young child.
@jrock08 (Chargers): "In the high school school I went to the teachers liked to talk about metacognition. Metacognition is the thinking about what we know and why we know it. As I look through the picks for week 5, I realize that I've spent a lot of time "metacogniting" why I don't know who is good or bad, but I still don't know anything."
Commish says: *Furiously nods head*
@BklynKevin (Patriots): "Is there a last chance pool? You know where you get a trophy just for playing?"
Commish says: We're considering a fifth competition: The BLLyramid. It's for everyone who amasses less than 3 total wins in survivor competitions and goes under .500 in HasselBracket. It starts the day after the Super Bowl. You furiously stack full cans of BLL into the largest pyramid you can build. If it falls, you must drink all the BLL before *either* BRANDO! gets signed by his 11th team or BORTLEMANIA!!! wins the Lombardi Trophy. If you build the biggest pyramid, you win a green t-shirt with a piece of masking tape across it containing "I did it, Commish" written in Sharpie. You in?
@ekahn93 (Patriots): "@TheGM: “You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to.” @Ekahn93: “I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Kahn has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable bettor, and a poor betting manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to the couch where he belongs.” @TheGM: “Mr. Kahn, after hearing that wouldn't you say @TheCommish’s judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed?” @Ekahn93: [stares at @TheCommish, eyes tearing up]. @TheGM: “Mr. Kahn?”"
Commish says: BFIG: THE MINISERIES. Who here works for HBO? Someone works for HBO. Let's go.
@Lootsdoolb (Patriots): "Only thing less dynamic than Andy Luck's neck beard is Indy's defense on the road in Foxborough. Fantasy gods have mercy!"
Commish says: (Someone in BFIG forwards this to an Indy offensive lineman) ... *Shows to Luck* "Dude, they called your neckbeard dynamic!"
@SchmidtHouse (Panthers): "I’m not a fan of big cats. Last time I bet on a big cat I got the iron boot week 1 cuz Stafford couldn’t figure out what planet he’s on. This week I come full circle as I bet on a big cat again, but this time I know I’ll win. You know why? Because If there’s one thing I know for certain - Eli’s gon’ Eli. Let’s be honest, unless he’s playing Brady in the post season, he’s a terrible QB. Not even Barkley or OBJ could save their offense from the shit show that is the discount Manning brother. I’d bet that within 8 months he’ll be out of the league and hocking pizza commercials for some C- pizza place like Amecis or some shit. Anyways, Panthers take Giants no problem and I regain my hope, my dignity and a new found love for cats after a crushing week 1 defeat. "
Commish says: Weekly reminder that Commish is out of BFIG because Eli beat the Texans. Eli Manning is a one discount manning wrecking ball. Pick him, or against him, at your own c-rated pizza risk.
@rochej (Jets): "The Jets are tied for 1st place. Need I say more?"
Commish says: This was the first pick comment submitted for Second Chance. It... did not age well.
@Rockapotamus9 (Panthers): "A little worried about how many times I can pick on EliFace here. I have a theory that Eli hates football and was forced into it by his family, and that's why he is an emotionless robot on the field. I like to think that his secret passion involves slam poetry, or water coloring vases of flowers, or sculpting figurines for his stop motion animations. I hope some day he can truly be free...."
Commish says: I believe what unites all your theories of Eli's alternate life is him wearing a backwards beret. I think we all agree Eli Manning is destined for the backwards beret.
@Bradgandel15 (Bengals): "I can never tell if Andy Dalton is wearing his helmet, or if that's just his hair...."
Commish says: And I thought Andy Dalton hair comments were dead! LONG LIVE THE RED ROCKET!!
@BigFurryWookiee (Texans): "Deshaun is back, Nuk is a monster, Miller is completely irrelevant! Dak can barely throw the ball and some guy named Swaim is apparently an NFL pass-catcher. I'm feeling good about this. "
Commish says: Can you please explain the second "e" in your username? Thank you.
@lbancroft485 (Packers): "It has been my firm belief that one should never bet on their own team. However, this week I am throwing caution to the goddamn wind! Packers will cover the weak ass -1 line with double-digits, sack Stafford at least 4 times (with only 2 roughing calls) and force at least 2 turnovers. GO PACK GO!"
Commish says: THIS IS STRONG ASS. Also, we're getting close...
@TrueChelsea (Panthers): "The giants are tiny boys! ROAR PANTHER ROAR"
Commish says: Closer...
@jharlan628 (Saints): "As on and off the Saints have looked, Monday night at home seems like a no-brainer. And of course INGRAM BABY FUCK A KAMARA ITS TIME FOR MARKY MARK"
Commish says: Annnnd that'll do it for this week. Good luck, everyone!