Party People of the Great Pigskin Parade,
Tomorrow is 2016's first NFL Sunday. Today is our final day wandering aimlessly through a dense fog that Goodell unilaterally decided could not deflate footballs.
Tomorrow is new, but tomorrow is old. The NFL changes a bunch, but the NFL stays the same. BFIG 2016 won't be like BFIG 2015, but it'll certainly be familiar.
And that's a beautiful thing.
To preview the madness that descends upon us tomorrow, Commish is running through what's old and what's new. Yo, can we get some Jock Jams up in this place? HIT IT.
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OLD: Week 1 terror
This will never change. The NFL has a certain way of inspiring, "Oh God, are they even GOOD?!" nightmares in a way no other league can.
In Week 1, you multiply that terror by 10.
Throw in rumblings of long-standing doormats finally turning it around (Jameis?! Gurley?! BORTLEMANIA?!?!?!), and it's nearly impossible to feel good about a Week 1 survival pick.
All that said, in our seven seasons to date, we've never had an apocalyptic Week 1, which brings me to...
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NEW: Viva la no-JaMarcus
Commish often speaks in Gruden-esque analogy and Herm-esque abstraction, but allow me to be very direct for a moment.
Last season, the Cleveland Browns, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Washington Dumpster Fire, and Oakland Raiders ALL won in the same week. Commish doesn't have this type of record-keeping on hand, but that has to be the only time that's happened in the past 10 years.
It's a terrible, twisted recipe for survival disaster.
(OK, turn Commish shtick back on...)
You know what else is true about such an occurrence? IT ISN'T HAPPENING THIS YEAR.
I invented "JaMarcus" as an adjective because it was the only fitting way to describe the level of destruction. Week 2, 2015 was JaMarcus. And how many times has JaMarcus happened since, well, JaMarcus?
(All together now...) NONE! And that's exactly the point. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, yo. Insert overused NFL talking head cliche here.
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OLD: Pick comments that put all other internet content to shame
A little secret for you: Commish just rides on the coattails of your collective hilarity.
I often try to pinpoint when BFIG's legacy of ridiculous pick comments started. I think 2010 champ Ken Sofer had a lot to do with it, when he basically said "f*** it, I can't lose" after winning three straight overtime games by a field goal.
Tomorrow marks BFIG 2016's first "PICKS" email, which of course means BFIG 2016's first set of featured comments.
What's that? You want a little taste? I suppose I can give you that...
Alex Webster (Cardinals): "By all accounts, Tom Brady is a God. Incredible at football, amazingly good looking, and protected by an entire army of Bostonians. You think Tom Brady is going to let Jimmy G (I'll admit to not knowing how to spell his last name and too lazy to look it up) pull a Tom Brady on Tom Brady?! No way. He will not be upstaged by some lesser being. Grappuhpopolo won't just have to defeat the Cardinals, one of the best defenses in the league, but also the wrath of a sidelined Tom Brady. Good luck Jimmy."
Commish says: ALL HAIL, GRAPPUHPOPOLO! (WHO IS YOUR LEADER?) GRAPPUHPOPOLO!!!
Much, much (much) more where that came from tomorrow, and all season long.
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NEW: Ridiculous Amazing usernames
It was only a matter of time, right? God knows this community needs more ways to express itself.
So how have we expressed ourselves thus far? Glad you asked...
Sam Fechtel, better known as GRONKPARTYSHIP.
David Mendivil, better known as JulioJonesBBQandFootMassage.
Kathy Hanrahan, better known as The_Eagles_make_me_drink.
Patrick O'Donnell, better known as DerbyDaysWithWesWelker.
Kevin Vandenberg, better known as ThatsWhatCheesehead.
Amanda McAtee, better known as Jordan_Rodgers. (... is there something you need to tell us, Amanda?)
Has Commish told you lately he loves this place? Because I really love this place.
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OLD: The butt fumble!
JKLOL. The butt fumble will live on forever.
But does it have competition? Hey, Eli, does it have competition?
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NEW: THE ELI BANANA!!
... I mean, really. Did Eli just surpass Peyton's thought-to-be-unassailable status as biggest sports sell-out ever?
Or, OR did Eli just become our favorite NFL player?
Stay tuned for your answer on "As The BFIG Turns."
Let's do this thing.
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You can check out all of Commish's preseason writing here. If you made it this far, 1) You're fantastic, and 2) Send this to a few friends!