Friends in football,
With the Raiders going down Thursday night (5% of BFIG picks), this is already the second most destructive week since Week 3.
What's it like to be a Raiders fan right now, by the way? Commish closes his eyes, imagines the Packers moving to Des Moines, giving Chip Kelly 13 years and full GM powers, trading Davante Adams and Clay Matthews because #prudence, and Aaron Rodgers answering press questions with nothing but comic book quotes because it's the only way to channel his rage without getting fined.
Commish needs a moment... he's broken out in a cold sweat.
The Raiders are actually "my team" if you judge by geography, so if anyone needs Commish to go deliver Gruden a message, I'm all ears.
No doubt he'll listen to me. He seems like a "takes feedback well" type of guy.
Some juicy history today in the fast facts, and some real comment winners. ONWARD.
WEEK 9 PICKS AND FAST FACTS
Spreadsheet view: BFIG | SC
Group pages show picks for just your group
FAST FACTS:
- The 3-4 Dallas Cowboys are our top BFIG pick, with 27% of us riding them at home vs. the 3-4 Titans.
- Commish was surprised to find out the Cowboys came into 2018 as the third most successful BFIG team by winning percentage.
- From 2009 through 2017, we picked Dallas in 50 games. They went 37-13 (.740).
- No. 2 was Denver (.755) and No. 1 was Do-I-Even-Need-To-Say-It?
- The BeliBradys clocked in at .817 (58-13).
- The Cowboys' NFC East, though? Our worst overall division since BFIG's inception. Washington (.448), the Giants (.632), and Philly (.556) have been thorns in our sides for years.
- The rest of this week's top BFIG picks: Carolina (21%, vs. the FitzMagics), Chicago (21%, at the Petermans), and Kansas City (11%, at the NoBounties)
- Comparison against Second Chance, BFIG is underindexed on the Chiefs and Vikings, and was overindexed on the Raiders (RIP, Gruden's BFIG Grinders).
- One person picked Green Bay in Second Chance. Commish loves you, you Moxilicious human.
WEEK 9 AWARDS
"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award
The SZN's third most prestigious award, behind the BFIG Title Belt and the Haynesworth Hustle Award. You can't win BFIG without showing a little Moxie!
@MissJenn (Raiders, Browns): "Why yes, yes I did."
Commish says: You did what? Pick the Raiders and Browns in the same week? No, that's not what. You became a damn hero - that's what you did.
Commish Communication Award
Quite simply, this is BFIG's best weekly comment (or three)
@hockey3430 (Bears): "Have you ever seen a bear battle a buffalo in the wild? Me neither. HOWEVER, if a herd of buffaloes were lead by the animal version of Nathan Peterman then I’d take a pod of Dolphins against them on dry land. Bears by 100."
Commish says: This will become a theme in this week's comments, but we need a movie trailer depicting the Nathan Peterman Buffalo Pack (pronounced "NBPB," with FLAIR), taking on a pod of utterly confused landlocked Dolphins, with the final dramatic montage ending with clouds parting, buffaloes whimpering, and the text "BEARS BY 100."
@Cdekranis (Panthers, Chiefs): "Gonna be real here for a second... i am pooping my pants. After much deliberation, I have decided my best option for my second pick is the Panthers. Why am I pooping my pants you may ask? One word: FitzMAGIC. With the Wonderlic-crushin’, Harvard-struttin, beard-rockin’ wonder under center this week I am shaking in my size 10 (size 11 in crocs) boots. Will the far superior Panthers probably win... sure. Or, will Fitzpatrick and the Buccs crush my hopes and dreams? God damn it a little poop just came out again... *P.S. I lied before I’m also a 10 in Crocs... just wanted to sound hard*"
Commish says: In my book, you're still size 11. CROCS ON, BIG GUY
"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL. Can you convince anyone that your pick is the right pick? Then I bet you could sell Bengals tickets, too!
@aphawkin (Bears): "Nathan Michael Peterman is a fun case study. A one time four star high school recruit, his first start in college against Florida resulted in a 4/11 passing day for a grand total of 5 yards and 2 INTs, a glimpse into the future of a BFIG legend. After being drafted in the 5th round of the 2017 draft, Peterman's first career start resulted in a 6/14, 66 yards, 5 INT line in a single half of play. After a solid preseason in which Peterman was named the starter after outperforming highly drafted rookie Josh Allen, hope abounded (probably) that Peterman had turned it all around. Alas, it was not to be, as a dreadful 24 yards passing and 2 INT day against the Ravens led to his benching once again. A brief Peterman appearance against Houston and two pick 6s later had cemented his legacy. Early season results had indicated an Anti-Bills strategy may carry one to BFIG victory, as the Browns had done in so many years past, but one fateful game against the Vikings proved otherwise. It was a misdiagnosis of sorts. The curse of the Browns had not settled on a whole team, but rather a single player- one Nathan Michael Peterman. So here we sit, on the verge of another Peterman start. All one can do is tip a cap to their neighbors, help the old lady down the street with her groceries, crack a BLL to the Survivor Gods and lock in a Bears against the Pick Six Peterman's pick. "
Commish says: What happens if Peterman wins? Does the entire BFIG apparatus implode? Does Commish get death threats? Do BLL sales reach unparalleled heights? Does Nathan Peterman become the new Commish?
Definitely Not Concussed Award
Can you teach us something new? No, there are no rules. Just teach us something. Anything. Please?
@TebowPlaysBaseballNow (Panthers, Chiefs): "If I was nervous last week, then I'm effing terrified this week. Here we go for a new edition of Useless City Facts with Britt!!! 1. Charlotte - Did you know that Charlotte is the pimento cheese capital of the world? Ruth's Salads makes 45,000 pounds of pimento cheese per week. This was it. This was all I could find that was interesting about Charlotte. Someone prove me wrong. Also, I hate Ron Rivera's transition glasses. 2. Kansas City - Did you know that Kansas City ignored prohibition all together? Instead of closing up the bar scene, the city's inhabitants partook in booze, brothels, gambling, all-night jazz sessions, and further debauchery. A journalist once wrote, "If you want to see some sin, skip Paris and head to Kansas City." This was the main draw for Andy Reid to accept the head coaching job for the Chiefs. He knew his womb broom would fit in with the type of people who frequent brothels. "
Commish says: Britt, you were back last week, but now you're really BACK. I want a giant scroll in my home that reads, "If you want to see some sin, skip Paris and head to Kansas City," with a faded grayscale Andy Reid winking behind the text.
THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'
Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.
Long the First Family of BFIG Commenting, Rob and Paige have never met a laughably absurd and questionably relevant analogy they didn't love.
@crashfu14 (Chiefs, Cowboys): "I can only assume we all read tea leaves to gain enough insight to make our weekly BFIG picks. For example, my family ate at El Pollo Loco on Wednesday. “Rafael E” was our server, and he dutifully brought us all the carbon and connective tissue we could handle. Oddly enough, a napkin used to wipe up salsa picante revealed a spot-on reverse image of Patrick Mahomes. It’s not Jesus burned into toast, but the Chiefs are available, so one pick is locked. The other pick, no idea. The Tennessee Titans defense struggles with two-gapping at the point of attack. They are marginal at collapsing the back-side of zone-runs to take away the cutback lane. Zeke Elliott should be able to take advantage of the relatively few base front 3-4 looks the Titans will present. Dallas it is I guess."
Commish says: Wait, do you watch the early morning NFL Network shit every week? Do you WORK for NFL Network? Does NFL Network have an on-site El Pollo Loco? I have so many questions.
Paige's companion in BFIG absurdity, Rob, lost picking the Vikings last week. Wat r u doing, Rob.
MORE PICK COMMENTS
@SlamBamRam3 (Vikings, Cowboys): "Dallas Cowboy fans get ready for the Amari Cooper show. It's as consistent as - the weather, the taste of watermelon, NCAA Rulings, any car made by Ford in the last 20 years, behavior of an electron when its not being observed, a blind man playing darts, Blake Bortles, and human behavior. But really cowboy fans, it will be fine."
Commish says: SLAMBAMCOWBOYFAN
@ryankempsoos (Cowboys): "When i was a young boy, around the age of 4 or so... i did a short stint in the Dallas area, my father is from Texas so i have a lot of family down there... this was the late 90s and the unreasonable Cowboy fandom was actually being reinforced by a streak of good play (for once)... my younger brother was born and named Nathan Deion after Primetime Deion Sanders himself. I think he had a good game that weekend and my uncles had a little too much input in the naming process. I remember leaving the hospital with my new born baby brother, passing the large shrine to the Cowboys known as Texas stadium with the hole in it's roof... and thinking to myself "this is all a little silly". As a 4 year old i loved the power rangers, i believed in fairies that pay me for my teeth and bunnies that lay eggs full of candy once per year... but the Cowboys were just a little too much. Just slightly too irrational for my adolescent brain to comprehend. But with 8 teams picked and 6 teams on a bye I'm drinking the cool-aid. I'm joining the cult that tucks their children in at night and prays to Dak Prescott for a safe slumber. I will be that guy that thinks Amari Cooper makes the Cowboys a Superbowl contender, that guy that tells his wife that if she ever meets Jerry Jones that she gets a free pass to sleep with him and "i won't even get mad".... jeeze i might even go deep enough to convince myself that Jason Witten is a great color analyst and be willing to fight anyone who says otherwise. I will dive head first into this world if it gets me one more week alive in BFIG.... survival is all that makes sense anymore"
Commish says: Can someone please make a dramatic movie trailer that ends with a montage of lights flickering, people yelling, a dude clinging to a cliff with one arm, a super subtle cameo of BRANDO Weeden getting sacked, and the giant text, "SURVIVAL IS ALL THAT MAKES SENSE, ANYMORE" ... please? We need this.
@YesThereIsAnS (Bears, Vikings): "Kirk and Mitch sittin lookin pretty, t - h - r - o - i - n - g (the "w" throws the rhythm off). anyway. it's a good week to beat up on lions and jets. that is all."
Commish says: I don't know if this is the best or worst effort of the week.
@LeVeonBell420 (Cowboys): "I hate myself for this"
Commish says: At least 10 pick comments said exactly this.
@James_hunter (Raiders): "Back in week 14 of the 2014 season (the one and only year I survived long enough to win money) I had what looked like one of the safest picks I'd made all year, the 7-5 San Francisco 49ers against the 1-11 Oakland Raiders. I proceeded to watch in horror as Kaepy got dismantled by the worst defense in the league. It was the start of both the downward spiral that cost Harbaugh his job and the flawed storyline that Kaepy can't play quarterback, as well as the end of my shot at the belt that year. I was pretty happy with picking the Washington Dumpster Fire (remember, they still haven't won a playoff game or changed their name, they're still the Dumpster Fire til one of those happens) over the Falcons this week. Record matters more than perception. But then I saw an hour ago that CJ Beathard is not starting tonight due to a wrist injury, and instead they're starting Nick Mullens, a man who not only has never played in an NFL game, but was an undrafted free agent last year and has spent more time on the practice squad than on an active roster. I don't remember the last time a Vegas line swung this much in this little time, but yesterday the 9ers were favored by 3.5, now the raiders are favored by 1.5. All this boils down to the best opportunity I've seen to exorcise my 2014 demons, and to continue to save better teams for next week when we have to start making two picks. Raiders win by 14."
Commish says: I mean, I mean... I am sorry. Who could have seen MULLENMANIA!!! coming? If this were a week earlier, do the Jags trade for Mullens? Replace Kaep with Carr, minus, well, a whole bunch of things... and kind of sounds like this year's Raiders?
@joshjablonski15 (Dolphins): "Putting my faith in Brocktober.....or should I say, Brockvember?"
Commish says: Not sure, but anything is Brockpossible
@jharlan628 (Panthers): "Fitzmagic almost f***ed me on my Bengals pick last week... yet somehow I’ve decided to risk it against his witchcraft again. IM OBVIOUSLY UNSTABLE "
Commish says: CAN WE GET THIS MAN SOME CHIPS AND SALSA? AND AN ICE PACK?
@BradyBrown48 (Panthers): "Commish should give people incentives for making braver picks. Like maybe commish sends you a case of BLL if you pick a sub .500 team and win, or picks against a two score spread. It's week nine, Commish. I need more Moxie! I did my part by picking against the Rubik's Cube Racing, Harvard Graduating, Long Multiplication Teaching, Mad man. LET'S. SEE. MORE. MOXIE. "
Commish says: THIS IS A GREAT IDEA. I SUPPORT THIS. CAN SOMEONE FINALLY GET BUD LIGHT LIME TO SPONSOR US? GOOD LORD.
@Tjeffries96 (Raiders): "When you are one week away before picking two teams a week and the only top team you have used is the Patriots what do you do? OH YEAH show some moxie in a game of the two tanks and i dont mean high power machines i mean here i dont want to score you have the ball so i can have the number one pick in the draft. This game can end in a tie, can have 20 combined turnovers in the game. My hopes and BFIG dreams rely on one man and that is a Brewin Gruden. PLEASE RAIDERS DONT BLOW THIS GAME FOR ME!!!! ALL HAIL THE SURVIVOR GODS I SEND MY PRAISES AND BUD LIGHT LIMES TO YALL! ALL HAIL THE SURVIVOR GODS!!!!!!!"
Commish says: Don't let ANYONE tell you this wasn't an all-time great SZN for you. Your moxie FLOWED with the spirit of 10,000 Favres. May you rest in peace and resurface again... in two weeks for BRANDO.
@BigFurryWookiee (49ers): "Does this even count as moxie if they're playing the Raiders? Whatever, this is my best chance to get a W from my boys in red and gold... go Niners, don't let me down!"
Commish says: Actually, yes! But note one important thing: It's moxie; not Moxie. Commish loves both. They take you far, far beyond your wildest dreams.
@bryanfalato (Patriots, Cowboys): "I close my eyes, begin to pray, that New England comes play. I can't believe I'm picking against Rogers two weeks in a row...... I'm just closing my eyes and following the survivor rules, home team, non-divisional game, and records matter more than perception....."
Commish says: Whoever replaces Montgomery is going to stay in the endzone. You're doomed, Falato. Doomed.
@BrianSipe (Vikings, Cowboys): "After consuming vast quantities of BLL, LeBron James announces he’s quit the Lakers to become the Browns 9th full-time head coach since 1999 ... Go Browns!!!"
Commish says: Honestly, LeBron as player-coach (he's also playing TE), with some absurdly smart analytics person as his #2... what could go wrong? You know the players would give their all. The Browns would instantly become the coolest team in the NFL. How do we make this happen? Who knows LeBron? Why isn't he in the pool already?
@ktenney12 (Bears, Chiefs): "The Cleveland Browns held on to Hue Jackson for 40 games, despite him only winning 3 of them, and sporting a career win percentage worse than the commish in BFIG. They then decided to fire both Hue and the offensive coordinator, and that the man to right the ship and calm the masses amidst a hurricane of chaos is none other than...Gregg Williams. How in the hell did this happen? I've racked my brain and the most realistic explanation I can come up with is this. Hue Jackson was hired on January 13, 2016, I've checked the weather history and there was a light snow that night with very low visibility. There's definitely a non-zero chance that Browns owner Jimmy Haslam held a party to celebrate his new hire after driving Hue around and introducing him to his Flying J cronies. Despite having too much to drink, and Hue's offers to drive, Haslam insisted on driving them home, on the way back he pulled an "I know what you did last summer" and hit someone and drove away. Hue has been able to use this fact to blackmail Haslam to keep his job, until a private investigator for Gregg Williams, a man who knows a thing or 2 about investigations, uncovered this fact and made his Machiavellian power play to obtain the top job.If anyone has a more plausible explanation I'd like to hear it. As for why I'm picking against the Bills and The Peter Man...Todd Gurley has scored 96 points by himself so far this season, the entire Bills offense including FGs and XPs has scored 87. Need I say more. "
Commish says: You've come to the wrong place, pretending a more plausible explanation doesn't exist. It is this: Brownsiest Brownsy Browns Brownsing. Even Todd Gurley couldn't save them.
@mick (Panthers, Dolphins): "yep I was superhyped to see so many people on the bears last week. Everyone finally seeing there greatness!!!! Welp this week I am going against my plan of all monday night games and letting my hopes ride on Miami and Carolina.... thats really what it has come too. really thats it. Is it a possibility to allow just me to be able to pick the bears for the rest of the year. I have no doubt they run the table and I'm sure I'm the only one in the pool to think so... so is that a possible addendum we could do to the rules????"
Commish says: I've been considering the "Mick Bears Challenge," in which you make one pick every week, and whenever the Bears lose, everyone is out. I feel like it's the Next Big Thing. What do you think, Mick?
@Gleggo (49ers, Dolphins): "Ya Baby!!!! So pumped for this weeks games.... I wind up picking a One win team, and another that's won one of the past Five!! Yep... my second chance hopes are riding on a combined 1-9 for the past 5 weeks! Go stupid, or go home Baby!!!!!!! (actually...…...I think I did do just both, didn't I??)"
Commish says: Does everyone see how much FUN it is to Moxie? Get on the train before it's too late!
@gdmslug (Panthers, Dolphins): "When does picking a 1-7 team not qualify you for Moxie award consideration? Probably when 70%+ of the pool joins you in picking against the players-that-Gruden-hasn’t-traded-yet. Have fun Vegas! UPDATE: I lost my moxie after reading Thursday’s update to the injury report. Regis Philbin would be so disappointed in me. "
Commish says: STOP RESISTING THE MOXIE. REGIS NEVER RESISTED THE MOXIE.
@skylarkgirl (Texans, Cowboys): "Both of my picks were BUYERS before the trade deadline. That shows belief. I think the believers win."
Commish says: BFIG: Buyers, Believers, and BLL!!
@Beng_Bro (Bears, Cowboys): "I'm just here for the comment section and Bud Light Lime."
Commish says: YOU KNOW VALUE
@Truxton5211 (Redskins, Cowboys): "A couple of NFC East teams up to no good, hopefully they can win in their own neighborhood. I’m in a tough fight and my mom got scared, she said next week be smart and take the Rams near Bel Air!"
Commish says: STRONG EFFORT
@briansbiceps (49ers): "F*** me, this is stupid. You're stupid. Why am I doing this?"
Commish says: BECAUSE YOUR BICEPS ARE HUGE. (We're getting close.)
@jordantg (Raiders, Bears): "I'm going with 2 away teams because oakland is it really away and the bills are bufalolololol"
Commish says: Buffalololololol!!! That'll do it for this week. Good luck, everyone!