*****

WEEK 1 FAST FACTS

• 29 of the 30 available teams were picked. Lol. I love all of you.
• That breaks our record of 27 from Week 1 last season.
• Seattle is our top pick, but didn't garner as high a percentage as Commish expected - 39% of us are on the Seahawks.
• Two people picked Miami, the Seahawks' opponent, perhaps after reading about The Thurlow Game (see: 2013 season recap).
• Only the Jacksonville Jaguars, playing host to Commish's Packers, were not picked.
• That's fitting, given that Jacksonville is the least-picked team in BFIG history. This is our eighth season, and the Jaguars have been picked a total of 10 times.
• Green Bay has now been picked 45 times over the same stretch - the most of any team.
• Commish runs weekly outcome probabilities, but when 29 of 30 teams are picked, today is not a day for weekly outcome probabilities. Soon!

*****

WEEK 1 AWARDS

"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award

So many choices for 2016's first Moxie Award. In the end, we're going with the two brave souls who picked the San Diego (not-so-super?)Chargers. Perhaps they actually are super, and a ton of you are just being played a fool. But when you look at all the games this week, there's a decent narrative you can put together about why a favorite might lose. But for Rivers & Co., that narrative is harder to find. Well, nevermind. Andy Reid clock management!

Amanda Wray is on SD, as is Neda Iranpour, who has been in the pool for three years now and ALWAYS picks the Chargers. That's loyalty, ya'll. Take it away, Neda:

"I will always pick the Chargers because I love them. There may not be any logic to this decision but when is love ever logical? My deep belief that if you believe then your beliefs will come believable is all that drives me. Thank you, Commish for this opportunity to support my San Diego team, time and time again!"

Commish Communication Award

I can no longer give out just one Commish Communication Award because you're too good. So we're giving out three this week.

First, we have Euno Lee on the Packers, for proving there is irrefutable science behind which NFL quarterbacks will pan out:

"If the NFL has taught me anything, it's that in recent history, quarterbacks with sustained periods of excellence have tended toward having marketable names. Think about it for a second. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady. Drew Brees. Aaron Rodgers. I'm not a name-ist, by any means, but I can tell if a potential monster contract is going to work out just by reading a name. Joe Flacco, close, but that last name kind of just reminds all of us of the word flaccid. Matt Ryan, the Ricky Bobby of NFL quarterback names. Andy Dalton, don't even start. This is the purgatory in which Blake Bortles lives. Aside from sounding like someone who plays jazz saxophone and owns pet iguanas, the 6'5"" behemoth of a man re-wrote the Jaguars' franchise record book in garbage time last season, netting 35 touchdowns on sheer red zone volume (and desperation) despite being sacked a league-leading 51 times and intercepted a league-leading 18 times. All of this leads to me believing that Bortles is the No. 1 regression candidate in 2016 and it all starts here, week one, against the Pack."

Second, we have Ryan Kemp-Soos - owner of the famous BLL football chair - with this gem about his Seahawks pick:

"Ryan Tannehill is the football equivalent to the hot prostitute who randomly adds you and all your friends on Facebook. None of you have ever met her in real life and probably never will, but its fun to get drunk and talk about how great she could be. Arian Foster has hamstrings that were constructed of mostly Big League Chew in some weird back ally 'Robocop' style publicity stunt. not to mention Jay Ajayi is British and while i will admit that gives him one of the cutest accents in the NFL.... The last time i checked this is America. We take our Tea with a 'Jeremiah Weed Sweet' in front and a 'on the rocks' after. Here in our country cars drive on the proper side of the road, 'Spotted Dick' is a reason to see your doctor, and Big Ben is a charming alleged sexual deviant with an arm carved from marble and a 30 year old wife with porcelain skin. So i am going Seattle, I'm going Hubba Bubba, I'm going with meeting my potential prostitutes on Tinder, and i damn sure am going America!"

And third, we have Rishi Khanna (Giants), who understands that if you name your pet Moxie, you ARE getting a BFIG shout-out:

"Commish I just sent you a picture. Yes, it's a picture of a puppy. Cutest puppy on earth? No arguments here. Moxie was born on July 4, 2016. She's more American than me and you. Well, obviously she's more American than me... my only hope of not getting deported in Trump's America is by claiming my skin color was a result of trying to get facetime on Jersey Shore.

Wait a second... hold the horses. Let's rewind a second. ...Moxie? That's right. Her name is Moxie. Now, did I name my new puppy after the second most prestigious award in the BFIG universe? I'm not saying. But what I will say is this: she looks mighty fine in Giants Blue. That, and she pees a lot in the house.

Picking the Giants week 1 @ Dallas sounds like a suicide mission, and I'm aware of that. Dallas has NY's number, and somehow, someway, Mark Sanchez will find a way to throw for 9 TDS. But over the last five years, after never getting past week 4, I've learned that you need some gumption - nay, Moxie - to succeed in this league.

So here's to being a little bit more like Moxie, the puppy. Here's to the Giants winning week 1, to Brian Ventura picking the Cowboys and getting knocked out, and to the Dolphins beating the Seahawks on a Herm-Edwards-like f***up at the end of the game, ruining the season for the 3,000 sackless chumps who go with Seattle to 'be safe'.

And Commish? I have full faith that you'll do the right thing when awarding this week's awards. If nothing else, I dare you to say no to this cute face (...the pup's, not my hideous mug)."

"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award

This award goes to Evan Young (Eagles) for convincingly laying out exactly how today's Philly game will go:

"I'm an Eagles fan. In 2012, I went to their season opener against the Browns in Cleveland, wearing an Eagles jersey. I sat in the dawg pound. I've never heard the "asshole" chant as much as I did that day during tailgating and the game (I felt like I was right back at home in Philly). Please take a look at the box score of that game. The starting QBs were Michael Vick and Brandon Weeden. Each threw 4 interceptions. Trailing 16-10, Vick led a game-winning 82 yard drive capped off by a touchdown pass to Clay Harbor with about a minute left. Yes, this actually happened. The Browns' leading receiver for the game was Mohamed Massaquoi with 41 receiving yards. Trent Richardson had 19 carries for 39 yards - a 2.1 average YPC that was probably his season best. The birds would go on to beat the eventual Super Bowl champion Ravens in week 2, win 3 of their first 4, and finish the season 4-12. Since then, the opening games for the Eagles have included wins @ dumpster fire (Monday night, Chip Kelly arrival game) and vs Jaguars (34-17 after trailing 17-0 at halftime). The script has been set: play terrible teams during the season opener, inexplicably trail during these games, yet come back to win. I fully expect that to happen again this Sunday. Wentz vs. RGIII - can't wait to look back at this game 4 years from now."

Definitely Not Concussed Award

Christian Spalding (Browns) proves he's definittely not concussed by sharing the best nickname for a nickname I've ever heard:

"I place all my 2016 faith in Bobby 3 Sticks and the Factory of Sadness."

*****

THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'

Rob Norwood (Chiefs): "I have several core beliefs that I will share today. 1. It's okay for your Grammy to send you $1 for ice cream on your birthday, even though you're prolly way old now, like 30 or something. 2. Use of "prolly" instead of "probably" by an adult is childish and stupid. 3. Snowmen (and snow women) should be anatomically correct. 4. One may sabotage their mother-in-law's cooking, if for no other reason than to knock that bitch's smug attitude down a notch. 5. Don't select an NFL survivor team from a divisional game where one of the coaches looks more or less like the Kool-Aid man. Meh, whatever. I'd like to be thought of as 'unsafe and unprofessional' going forward."

Paige Norwood (Cardinals): "Our planet is bipolar. Isn't it reasonable to expect people to be too? Arizona fits this Jekyll and Hyde model. A juggernaut one week, and cannon fodder for the Panthers the next. Few things in life are certain: Death, taxes, and that Little Caesar's pizza causes unholy volcanic diarrhea. Here's to Week One hoping that Jimmy Garoppolo wolfs down a 'Deep-Deep 3 Meat Treat' and dooms the Pats."

Commish says: Yup, this will be a weekly section. Rob and Paige deserve it.

*****

TODAY IS SEPT. 11 - A QUICK THANK YOU

Tons of fine people in this pool either currently or have formerly served our country, be it in the military, as police officers and firefighters, or in the myriad other capacities that allow America to be the wonderful place it is.

Thank you for all that you do.

*****

MORE PICK COMMENTS

Manu Srivastava (49ers): "As a hard-core niner fan, if the 49ers cannot win at home, on prime time, with prized savior Jared Goff not even dressed for the game, then I might as well give up on the NFL season."

Commish says: This sentiment was shared by almost everyone who picked the Niners. You'll see more below.

Carly Hodgins (Browns): "In February this year, my daughter Mackenzie was born. I don't think it's coincidental that her birth in 2-16 in Cleveland (also known as the "the 216") led to a curse-breaking championship for our beloved Cavs. In addition to that, there was no violence at the RNC, which is a miracle considering the number of wacko, gun-toting, bigoted nutbars that visited our city to support Trump. The Indians happen to be in first place as I make this pick. While the Browns have consistently let me down since I moved to Cleveland, Mackenzie is so beyond wonderful that even her presence could change the Factory of Sadness to the Dogpound of Dominance. I realize that this could go horribly wrong, but if I'm in the league for a while, I might as well get my Browns pick out of the way, and why not do it when they're playing against a rookie quarterback. This is the time for Cleveland, and I'm ALL IN!"

Commish says: THE DOGPOUND OF DOMINANCE!

Alex Webster (Cardinals): "By all accounts Tom Brady is a God. Incredible at football, amazingly good looking, and protected by an entire army of Bostonians. You think Tom Brady is going to let Jimmy G (I'll admit to not knowing how to spell his last name and too lazy to look it up) pull a Tom Brady on Tom Brady. No way. He will not be upstaged by some lesser being. Grappuhpopolo won't just have to defeat the Cardinals, one of the best defenses in the league, but the wrath of a sidelined Tom Brady. Good luck Jimmy."

Commish says: WE BOW TO KING GRAPPUHPOPOLO! ALL HAIL GRAPPUHPOPOLO!

James Hunter (Cardinals): "Because I just can't understand why Bill Belichick thinks Janeane Garofalo can be an effective QB against anyone, let alone against last years 2nd best defense in fantasy points. I mean, come on, she's a 51 year old comedian!"

Commish says: Lol, your guess is as good as mine, James!

Michael Ferenci (Chiefs): "I hate Joel Stupka and I hope he loses week 1."

Joel Stupka (Chiefs): "Eat a dick."

Commish says: Hey, guys!

Amanda Ross (Chiefs): "I was on a pedal tavern in Nashville and our super hot driver, Cloud, told us he was part Chocktaw. The Chocktaws are native to Arkansas, which I figure is pretty close to Kansas/Missouri, thus making the Chiefs POTENTIALLY Cloud's favorite team. By no means am I making associations between the "Chiefs" and the Chocktaw people, but I really liked Cloud and have been doing a lot of Wikipedia'ing about the Chocktaws, plus the pedal tavern is without a doubt the most fun thing you can do in Nashville, so lots of positive associations here. Basically that's it and my bff at work told me not to trust the Seahawks. May the Survivor Gods smile upon me (and Cloud)."

Commish says: How's Cloud? I'm assuming you've kept up the relationship, Amanda?

Will Townsend (Chiefs): "2014: knocked out in week 1 2015: knocked out in week 2 2016: just gotta make it to week 3 to show the steady signs of improvement that my stockholders need"

James Blood (Chiefs): "What a horrid week of match-ups to pick to start the season! Commish why didn't you pull some your prodigious NFL street cred and get some more lopsided match-ups to ease us into the season? I made my top three match-ups to pick list this week and lo and behold, my picks are the three biggest favorites according to Vegas. Do I get credit for that? (SEA over MIA, KC over SD, HOU over CHI), (I will venture to guess that these three games will make up ~90% of picks this week). Anyways, I am going with Andy Reid's KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce Stains to beat the San Diago Whale Vagina Electrocutioners, aka Ron Burgandy. I can already see the Cetacea female genitalia smoldering under the dumpster of Saint Didacus, and no matter the height of the future mexican border wall, the consistently balmy weather will do nothing to prevent the ensuing conflagration. I do not trust anything coming out of Houston, especially after blindly giving the Osweasel hella cash without even a first date and with JJs Wattage possible unavailable. As well as the Bears being a giant enigma that will probably suck this year, but could be sneakily solid. The real competition this week came from the SEA vs MIA matchup. I have been a die hard 12 since I was a wee lad (many years of suffering now being rewarded). In not picking the 'Hawks, I avoid the possibility of having my heart broken by an opening day loss to an inferior team at home, coupled with the soul sucking certainty that I am eliminated from the main Survivor Pool after just dipping my toes."

Bryan Okerlund (Chiefs): "1998 was a great year. I was entering 6th grade and the Vikings were on their way to an extraordinary 15-1 record. They even beat the oft-glorified Green Bay Packers - twice!... and one of those victories was on a Monday night at The Stink Hole, more familiarly known as Lambeau Field. After that embarrassing season, Green Bay assistant Andy Reid left for greener pastures and became head coach in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, and, for much of his life, the residence of Benjamin Franklin, who was born about 300 miles up the east coast in Boston, which, of course, is the setting of the sitcom Cheers, which featured hopeless romantic Rebecca, played by Kirstie Alley, who was born in Kansas City, my Week 1 pick."

Commish says: Infallible logic. Simply infallible.

Elia Zaitsev (Chiefs): "Because despite coming off a 4-12 campaign and not winning a single AFC West contest, Rivers remains totally confident in a rebound towards winning the division. I find his playful optimism much like that of a child's: adorable but ultimately a complete fantasy with little to no basis in fact. "Started from the bottom now we...." still at the bottom Rivers, still at the bottom."

Chad Stout (Chiefs): "I'm a Bears fan. I was going to pick the Texans over the Bears. Instead I went with the Chiefs over the Chargers and convinced my Packer fan wife to go with the Texans. The Bears will now win and knock my wife out of the pool and even though we will no longer have 2 chances at the $40k I will be smiling on the inside for at least a week."

Commish says: BFIG: Saving relationships since 2009!!!

Alex Bender (Colts): "bryan harris killed harambe"

Commish says: WTF, Bryan?!?

Ryan DeHaai (Chiefs): "Putting trust in Alex Smith is just as safe as putting trust in the pull out method, but heck, that's worked for me this far!"

Richard Lang III (Colts): "Only the Lions are historically bad enough to not cause another BFIG apocalypse. I SWEAR COMMISH, i swear. If the lions win this game, I will tweet myself slamming three bud light limes because only that would make my life better (or maybe worse) at that moment."

Commish says: Ummmm. Does this mean I should root for the Lions? Richard, I'm conflicted, because that'd be amazing.

Ryne Rapp (Colts): "Wow. Another year of BFIG. This time with some szn-ing! Bad puns aside, it's time to get down to the nitty gritty. The reason everyone reads the emails, the pick comments. After the Szn that was the Colts 2015, it can only go up from here, right? Andrew Luck is back from his injury (rumspringa) and the Colts look ready to be the toast of the AFC South. It's kinda like being the smartest person at community college. The other division that could be the runner up for valedictorian, the NFC North. The Vikings are looking for a bridge or troubled water with the village bicycle that is Sam Bradford. The Bears are... well... the Bears. And let's not forget the Colts mighty opponent. The king of the mighty jungle that is Detroit, the Lions. The team that was poised to make a run at the division until Megatron left to ride elephants with Beast Mode in Outer Mongolia (or whatever the severely concussed Marshawn Lynch is doing these days). Maybe Matt Stafford can convince the Madden Ultimate version of Herman Moore to line up in the slot because I don't think Golden Tate is going cut it. But based on my past picks and performances, I look to see Detroit put up 6 TD's and boot me in week one. At least Lovie Smith can't haunt my BFIG dreams anymore."

Commish says: Add some more SZN'ing, yo!!!

Jason Lowenthal (Eagles): "Because RG3 is an upgrade."

Commish says: Oof. Most succinct explanation yet? But, BUT, what if RG3 is retro-RG3?

Matt Camassa (Eagles): "I'm hedging this bet with a future on the Browns to win the superbowl +20000."

Commish says: Hahaha, if only every hedge was this easy.

Jade O'Brien (Ravens): "The only thing safe about this matchup is Joe flacco's unibrow. The Flaccobrow. I don't care. Maybe I should be second guessing this pick because autocorrect wants to replace Flacco with "flaccid". Nah."

Commish says: THE FLACCOBROW!!

James Cattrysse (Seahawks): "Signed up for my 2nd go at BFIG... Two weeks ago I said to myself, "I'm all in, I'm going to take ALL the risks, I'm gonna hit all the teams that you don't see coming.... I'm taking the 49ers." Then a week later I thought you know it's still $$$, I don't just want to waste it on a coin flip... I'm going to take a team that has a better chance at winning than SF in week 1, but still be #Risky... I'm taking the Raiders to beat the freshly re-paid Drew Brees Saints team. Couple more days passed and then I really got crazy. All of a sudden this angel/devil conversation starts happening in my head... Angel side, "Man I should really take the Texans or Cardinals or Chiefs or Seahawks and make sure I survive week 1." Then the devil on the other side said, "But don't you remember week 2 last year??? Saints were the chalkiest of the chalk and you choked on that chalk just like the majority of the GD field!" Angel side, "Yeah but the Seahawks are a lock at home against the Dolphins and a HC who's coaching his 1st game ever...no sweat." Devil side, "Are you kidding me? Suh and his broooooooos could sack Wilson eleventy times and ruin that game flow and potentially shock the world along with 50% of BFIGers." Angel side, "Don't be stupid, you know you're going to pick the Seahawks cuz you're a pansy." Devil side, "Yeah, that's true, you are a pansy." .... and well, here I am... picking the Seahawks. #FacePalm"

Commish says: This may be the best-ever summation of what so many of us go through every week.

Daniel Zimskind (Seahawks): "Week 1 sucks and GB is A STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK. FUCK ME, IM DRUNK AND IT'S 10 AM IN LONDON AT THE AIRPORT LOUNGE. Oops, I changed it to Houston now that I'm sober...and back to Seattle"

Commish says: Our first drunk pick (and change) (and change again)!

Douglas French (Seahawks): "As I prepare for season 2 of BFIG, I think back to a recent conversation I had with one of my sports buddies about joining. Since I went out in week 2 last year, or what I like to call the "Great Castration", I didn't have a lot of experience to relay. But the conversation was eerily similar to the time I came home from a party during high school. My folks met me as soon I entered the house and said "Have you been drinking? What the hell is wrong with you? We have raised a moron!" Flash back to now, my buddy says "WTF dude, how do you go out in week 2? Were you drunk or just stupid? Nobody goes out in week 2!" Flash back to Mom and Dad, "just because your friends all did it doesn't mean you have to be so stupid! When will you learn? Didn't we raise you better?" Back to the present, "Dude, I never knew anyone that went out in week 2! I can't believe you are that freakin stupid!" I tried to explain (in both cases), that it wasn't just me. It was a shitload of people. Didn't help (in either case). So here we go in Season 2. I have already changed my pick a half dozen times. Last year, after being treated like a sheep "getting helped over the fence" in the desert, I have many doubts about this season. All I know is don't turn your back on the shepherd or it could get ugly. Keep checking your six and try to make it to week 3. I am searching for a strategy. I am ruling out nothing. Right now I am thinking that if I rank my first 3 picks and throw them out, I may get down to one that might work. If you want my first three picks, let me know, happy to help. Anyway, glad to be back. Hopefully for a bit longer this time."

justin nakamura (Seahawks): "This off-season Paul Allen signed my brother to a rookie contract to be the Seahawks' third string...accountant. This makes me your newest Seahawks insider (watch out John Clayton). I have full faith that my brother will screw something up this season (he probably already has), meaning delayed game checks, unpaid utilities, mixed-up travel, and overall chaos within the organization. You know I LOVE me some #BigBallsPete, but the deeper the season goes, the more opportunity my brother has to torpedo their season. Steer clear of the 'Hawks from Week 2 on!"

Rhett Bollinger (Seahawks): "Because Uncle Pete would never lose to Alabama by 46 ..."

Commish says: SO TRUE. Hence, my opener. Rhett was a fellow Daily Trojan guy with me, everybody.

Joey Finkelstein (Seahawks): "What's the move when you're a SZN rookie with a bunch of degenerates (who supposedly like Bud Lite Lime, WTF!?) in a race for 40 stacks, all the Instagram betches, and world dominance? You make a FUCKING statement. You go against the grain of Vince Wilfork's inner thighs and make a pick so shocking and gutsy that the rest of the league knows you're here to snap necks and cash checks. Years later, when members of this league speak of your greatness they proclaim, "Look son, there goes a TRUE legend!". That's the kind of move I was looking to make to introduce myself to this league. But instead I'm picking Seattle over Miami....F*** it. Loves, Joey Finks"

Commish says: Of course we love BLL. Is there a problem here?

Allison Hewitt (Texans): "I could not, in good conscience, go with the biggest spread because that would require me to pick the Seattle Seachickens. Everything about them offends me from Pete Carroll aka winner of the Worst Person Ever Award, to whatever extended mental episode Marshawn Lynch is experiencing, to their unnecessarily ear injury-causing stadium. They can all go fuck themselves. Also, this gif with Pete Carroll as the monopoly man makes my whole life: http://assets3.thrillist.com/v1/image/1159104 I never saw myself saying this, particularly after they poached the Broncos only shot at a decent season (FUCK YOU, BROCK OSWEILER) but here goes: GO TEXANS!!"

Commish says: Best GIF of the week!

Jake Weinrich (Texans): "Brock Osweiler seems like one of those guys who, back in high school, would have shoved your toothbrush up his own ass at summer football camp. He wouldn't even have told anyone after doing it. He'd just watch you smear his ass juices all over your teeth for his own personal amusement. Based on statistics, he's probably hooked up with at least one BFIGer's sister. His matriculation at Arizona State essentially corroborates all of this as fact. Brock might be a f***boy, but I'd totally crush a case of BLL's (Bud Light Limes, duh) with him."

Commish says: I love this. At some point in time, every NFL QB gets branded as a certain type of "guy." When new ones come along, it's open field!

Veronica Leone (Texans): "Every time I see BFIG my mind ignores the "I". And it's not because I think Brett Favre Gonna get it, it's because I keep thinking of the BFG. Yes, the Roald Dahl character. And why did I [we] always think his name was Ronald when I was little. It is like the Berenstain Bears, we all know it was "stein". I digress. My grandmother thought BFG stood for "Big F***ing Giant". I find that hilarious. And speaking of giants I'd like to [respectfully] f***: J.J. Watt. I too recovered from a herniated disc surgery this year and I feel great. Ipso facto, I went with Houston."

Commish says: Respectfully, though. Respectfully.

Jared Crittenden (Vikings): "I have a few hard and fast rules in life, and one of them is to not trust anyone who has been fired as the HC of the Bills. If coaches wore uniforms like idiot baseball managers do, Buffalo would have a jersey of shame to match Clevelands. Here is a list of HC's since the halcyon days of Marv Levy: Wade Phillips, Gregg Williams, Mike Mularkey, Dick Jauron, Perry Fewell, Chan Gailey, Doug Marrone and now the foot f***er. Combined record: 126-162. Sure, you may find a few guys who get shitcanned from the head gig and find success again as a coordinator, bumblin Wade Phillips and the hitman Gregg Williams (aside: can we start a petition to make him remove the second "G", that is strictly reserved for Allman Brothers. Get it done Obama). Where was I? Oh ya, they all suck. Yet Mike "cut the" Mularkey somehow has a head coaching job in the NFL. It's not all that surprising that a guy who's entire football philosophy is "try harder than the other guys" would own a record of 18-39 as a head coach w three different teams. I'm sure if the CBA allowed it his entire training camp would be him doing his best Denzel screaming "WATER MAKES YOU WEAK" as his Titans run the Oklahoma drill over and over until they're all sweating passing out like Billy Bob in sex ed class. Forgive me for mixing my references, but the point remains: Mike is a horrible football coach and a meatstick. Also his team lacks good football players. Take the Vikes to the bank."

Phil Dorjath (Cardinals): "Because even though I may have won this thing last year, I'm still confident that I have no clue what I'm doing...here's to Carson Palmer not making me look like an idiot. I mean nobody wants to see the defending champ go out in week 1 right???"

Commish says: If you keep winning, you become Alabama, Dorjath. Keep that in mind.

Kyle Verdone (Cardinals): "Screw the Pats and their unnecessarily attractive quarterbacks."

Commish says: Kyle is the second half of The SZN, everyone. I'm The Commish and he's The GM. Apparently he's also not as attractive as Tom Brady.

Kyle Snyder (Chiefs): "You have an overrated, bolo wearing QB who is going to make ridiculous faces all game in disgust. What else can you ask for! This will be a cake walk for Kansas City, and Andy Reid loves cake. I think he still misses cheesesteaks though. KC's offense will be as fertile as Phillip Rivers."

Brittany Bland (Chiefs): "Dear lord baby Jesus, layin there in your little ghost manger, please watch over my week 1 pick as I am a BFIG virgin and no one wants to lose a virgin in week 1. AMEN."

Commish says: What does "losing a virgin" mean, Brittany? I mean, we could go a ton of ways here.

Jim Burke (Chiefs): "I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2. I will make it past week 2."

James Zackler (49ers): "I just wrote and deleted four different things about Kaepernick not standing for the national anthem. And then I realized -- why the f*** is there so much news about a second string quarterback not standing for the national anthem...in a preseason game...in his first game back from injury? His eyes are too close together, he's become as skinny as Tayshaun Prince, and he lost a position battle to Blaine Gabbert. Let the man go quietly into the night. Every time I hear his name, it reminds me that four seasons ago, we were in the Super Bowl. And it makes me sad in my soul. Yet, despite the blunders of our front office -- this year, like in 7 of the last 10 years, the Niners will win the first game of the season and I will think -- "YES. THIS IS THE YEAR! WE'RE BACK! THE QUEST FOR SIX IS ON!" And then they will go on to lose 5 of the next six and end the season 5-11. Since this will be one of only five wins we get this year, I have to make this selection before I'm too jaded with how pathetic we have become in such a short time frame to not be able to make my Niners selection for the 2016 season. So, there you have it. SF over LA. Like in all things...except in women. LA wins on that front."

Commish says: Lol. "LET THE MAN GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!"

Michael Martin (49ers): "As an Angeleno, if the Rams win, I win, but if the Rams lose, I survive."

Commish says: The Hedge of Happiness!

kristin upright (Browns): "To irritate my son."

Commish says: BFIG: Improving family relationships since 2009!!

Tim Wittman (Cardinals): "Why do we have to call it Deflate GATE?! There is no reason to mention anything about a damn "gate." The proper term is: "just another N.E. cheating scandal" and an opportunity to survive to week #2."

Kaitlin Gillespie (Cardinals): "I bet Garoppolo's balls are just as small as Brady's."

Commish says: Ayyyoooooo!

Tim Johnson (Cardinals): "The only thing more deflated than than Brady's pigskins will be Belichick's balls after the season opener loss in Glendale, Arizona."

Commish says: I sense a theme here...

Jason Eilts (Cardinals): "No Brady, no Gronk, no Solder... plus putting in a human turnstile as your starting tackle... oh and having a quarterback who has a direct inverse relationship between his amazing looks and how ready he is for this game... Signed, Pats Fan :'("

Dimitri Leonidas (Cardinals): "No Brady + no Gronk = oatmeal with no cinnamon and raisins!"

Commish says: Ummm. Right. Yes! Exactly.

Michael Trezza (Chiefs): "Week 1 rule...don't get cute. The Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego are basically living out of suitcases at this point and Mike McCoy has the vegas lead in 1st coach to be fired."

Jason Clark (Chiefs): "Getting my pick in early as I will be on a Gronk-free boat in the Adriatic for the start of the season - which now that I think about it being Gronk-free hardly seems worth it!"

Commish says: SO not worth it. What were you thinking, Jason?

Eric Van Aelstyn (Chiefs): "What to say about Phillip Rivers that hasn't already been said? Wait you're right, it's already been said. So I'm going to do what the city of San Diego can't - which is move on. They make 'em soft down in San Diego, a city with illusions of fandom rivaled only by illusions in Manti Te'o's love life (yeah, that's still hilarious). If getting passed over by the city of Los Angeles wasn't enough (Angelenos got the Rams.... hooray.....said no one) now they've lost Oliver... again (poor kid). I hate putting any faith in Alex Smith but if I have to pick one team with a racist name (don't kid yourself Kansas City, I'm sure that 300lb truck driver sucking down bud lights is wearing "warpaint" and a "head dress" out of respect) than I sure as hell am not picking Washington. Plus Kirk Cousins is a goober. So Andy Reid, I hand you my fate for a week one mustache ride. "

Nick Aranzamendi (Chiefs): "Because Kansas City ? Duh! (.. and they have a 75% percent chances of winning according to the Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector of Graph Laplacians, thank you John Urschel) Also they'll probably suck the rest of the season. #YachtWeek2017 #Vegas2016"

Commish says: I hope Nick puts in Commish inside joke hashtags every week. Also, Nick, YACHT WEEK 2017!!

Cameron Ford (Chiefs): "I've changed my mind more times on this pick than on my tinder pic...and trust me, that is a lot. This makes my 8th change. I can't handle the stress. Get me outta here. Now I'm going safe pick with the Chiefs beating the Chargers. Couldn't bring myself to risk too much in week 1 because you know, I'm a wussy. Better luck next season I guess."

Commish says: SEND YOUR TINDER PIC!!

Nate Levine (Chiefs): "Because I'm nervous as hell but have faith in Alex smith... Good job commish, chase that dream"

Commish says: (Chasing, chasing, chasing)

Michael Mahoney (Chiefs): "I went Chiefs. Or better put, I did not pick the Seahawks. Why? I'm no lemming. Nearly every fiber of my being said pick the Seahwaks. Go for the sure thing Week 1, pick with the pack, live to survive another week. Notice I said "nearly every fiber." For some reason there is a voice in my head (Richie Incognito's?) whispering (bullying me into thinking?) the Fishes could go into Seattle and shock the world or at least crush the dreams of the most obnoxious and out of touch fanbase in the country. If we are lucky we might even be treated to a well-reasoned letter to the editor by a Seattle 12th man/soccer mom deploring the horrible behavior of a TD-celebrating Jarvis Landry. That combined with a culling of what is sure to be half the Week 1 pickers? Too good to pass up. So that's why I didn't pick the Seahawks. Why Chiefs? Honestly its threefold... I want to use them early before their second half meltdown, Vegas likes them (5.5 at home!), and I find Phillip Rivers very unsettling in every way imaginable."

Matt Medina (Chiefs): "No clue why I'm picking KC. How is Commish?"

Commish says: I'm great, Matt. Thanks for asking!

Nicholas Wojtusik (Chiefs): "They couldn't give us any easy lay-up games for week 1....wtf nfl smh gfy"

Commish says: It just rolls off the tongue.

Austen Flint (Chiefs): "Another season and another anxious Week 1 pick. It definitely takes me back to the feelings before going to my first college party. Very excited, yet terrified, unsure of the events that will take place in the near future. After a few lean seasons, I ready to bounce back strong. When applicable, I will try and compare my weekly selections to Game of Thrones characters, scenes, houses, and other relevant show information (Spoiler Alerts for those not watching the show...which is a shame if you haven't). My week 1 selections - The Kansas City Chiefs - remind me of the Stark House from Winterfell. In ways, a forgotten house led by former #1 pick Alex Smith, who has been beheaded and stabbed at a red wedding throughout his career (NFC Championship game loss to the Giants and benching in place of Colin Kaepernick)...but they seem to come out and regaining their mantle after early season carnage. Their home fortress of Arrowhead is not so different from the Castle of Winterfell, with both getting quite cold as winter approaches....and indeed, Winter is coming. More importantly this week, I hope head coach Andy Reid - who shares a similar physique to the beloved Hodor - Doesn't fall to the ground screaming continuously "Stop the Clock!" during the 2-minute drill, with time management being one of his greatest talents. I'm hoping the Chiefs give the BOLTs a similar fate to Ramsay BOLTon and provide me with the week 1 victory I desire. Footnote: Shouldn't the winner of the Survival Pool receive the Bud Light Lime wooden lounge chair as their throne for an entire season? Food for thought... "

Commish says: This is BRILLIANT. The traveling BLL chair trophy!

Tristan Sieve (Chiefs): "Should I be fearful that I don't know what SZN stands for while I make this pick?"

Commish says: S(ea)Z(o)N, man! It's the NFL SZN and I couldn't be happier.

Andrew Battaglini (Chiefs): "As an Eagles fan, Andy Reid has only brought me disappointment, but I just made every light on the way home from work so I feel like that's a sign my luck's about to turn. Additionally, Iverson is being inducted into the HOF this weekend. He'll cry. I'll cry. Haven't cried twice in 1 weekend since, well, I guess last weekend, but it can't happen 2 weeks in a row. MORTAL LOCK"

David Bernhardt (Chiefs): "How can I not bet on Alex "I once went 21 weeks without throwing a passing TD to a wide receiver" Smith and Spencer "I had 10 yards rushing in my first 2 years in the league" Ware to start my seasonal march to $40,000? When Miami surprises everyone and 39% of this pool gets eliminated (suck it Seahawks "fans"!), I'll be that much closer to being immortalized in BFIG lore. Or, I'll be guaranteed a shot at the Second Chance pool, which is more than those week 6 losers can say!"

Melisa Rosadini (Chiefs): "Because Alex Smith will stand during the National Anthem? Or because Chargers fans and players have already given up? Do you really read all 3000 pick comments? Does Bud Light Lime enhance reading comprehension? Asking for a friend..."

Commish says: OH YES I DO. No comment on the BLL. Can I have another, though?

Matt Harper (Chiefs): "When has betting on Andy Reid ever gone wrong? Also, there is a baby that looks like him. Which is adorable. I have included the link just in case you are not familiar. http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/pic-baby-dressed-up-as-andy-reid-is-adorable/ How could that little baby not bring me week 1 luck? Seriously? What a hot take, right?"

Ashley Brody (Colts): "http://www.sportsmemes.net/meme/4102"

Commish says: Brilliant.

Matt Chapman (Colts): "Golden Tate is to Calvin Johnson as Apples are to Race Cars."

Commish says: Lol

Brian Ventura (Cowboys): "The year was 2014. It was my first BFIG. I had been convinced to join the pool by the always pleasurable Rishi Khanna, who unfortunately happens to hail from and root for the New York city area. In week one, I confidently chose the Cowboys over the Giants. I was a little nervous, but the good Lord saw that His team did indeed prevail. Years passed - and now I'm back. I'm older now, and I'm (statistically) more sober. But deep down inside I'm still the same little boy from Nacogdoches, Tx - proud home of the American Flag Shotgun Guy - and I can't see any better way to start off a championship run than by sticking to my guns. PS suck it Rishi."

Commish says: Brian and Rishi do this every week. It's cute.

David Silver (Eagles): "In the battle of dumpster fires... I think Cleveland will be the 5 alarmer... And plus, look how good Philly has been in the preseason, the preseason matters right?"

Commish says: (Vigorously nodding head)

Brendon Kimber (Eagles): "As an Eagles fan, I have coped with the fact that this year is most likely going to be awful. The only thing I look forward to is (hopefully) watching Wentz actually become good. But outside of that, this team is woefully hopeless. Fortunately for me, Cleveland is even more hopeless. Like, as hopeless as all those people from Deep Impact trying to outrun the the tsunami. Thus, I'm taking this one opportunity to actually cheer for my team with some resemblance of hope before my soul is repeatedly crushed week after week."

Justin Dubin (Eagles): "I hate Philly as a Giants fan so by hedging my bet with them I get a great start to the NFL season either way"

Commish says: The Hedge of Happiness!

Matthew Edwards (Packers): "Either my BFIG season gets started off right, or the packers lose, which is really a win, so either way I am starting the season off right!"

Commish says: The Hedge of Happiness!!!

Drew Green (Eagles): "As Joakim Noah once said "I've never heard anybody say, I'm going to Cleveland on vacation." Along those same lines, I don't think anyone in BFIG has ever said "I think for week 1, I am going to pick Cleveland on the road to start my path as the BFIG champion." This isn't so much an endorsement for Philly as it is a shot at Cleveland and the Browns."

Micah Yoshino (Eagles): "Trying New strategy this year. Risky picks leading up until 2nd chance deadline. Probably a +EV (Expectation Value) move as it takes some serious moxy to win main pool anyway, and 2nd chance pool is nothing to laugh at so being in there with a much smaller pool isn't too bad either. "

Commish says: (I promise to think harder about this next week)

Stephen Olson (Eagles): "This pick really shows the size of my nutsack. Cleveland, who looked great this preseason, behind a rejuvenated RG3 and a new coaching staff, is very hard to tell how this team will come out of the gates. Their skill players do have some talent. Philly on the other hand, just trade their presumed starting QB 8 days before the start of the season. Outside of Ryan Matthews (always hurt) and Jordan Matthews (always dropping passes) there isn't much talent on Philly this year."

Commish says: You didn't really specify whether the pick has a direct or inverse relationship to the size, Steve. You gotta be careful with nutsack references, man. They're... sensitive.

jim kerrigan (Eagles): "I am picking the Eagles with my first selection of the season because i hate myself"

Commish says: But I love you, Jim!

That'll do it for this week. Good luck, everyone!