Was that the most ridiculous Week 1 in BFIG history? I mean...

• The Chiefs went straight up Chefs for a half, trailing 24-3 before Alex Smith decided to channel the ghost of suspended Tom Brady. Chiefs win, 33-27.
• The Seahawks played a scintillatting game of "Let's see how much Miami can f*** up before we barely pull out a win we do NOT deserve."
• The Packers decided it'd be fun to give BORTLEMANIA!!! at least three fourth quarter tries to become a legit thing before posting a 27-23 win.

In all, the NFL had already tied its most closely contested Week 1 ever before Monday night's dumpster fire... that uncoincidentally included the Dumpster Fire.

It was a fitting kickoff to BFIG 2016. And, bonus! As of this writing, no heart attacks or Bud Light Lime overdoses have been reported.

*****

BFIG HEALTH CHECK: IT WAS A PRETTY DAMN GOOD WEEK 1

• Damage done: 4,025 started the week; 14 picked teams lost, knocking out 543 people; 3,482 of us are moving on to Week 2.
• Could it have been worse? It could have been Vince Young Wonderlic bad. 85 percent of our picks trailed in the fourth quarter. 85 percent!!
• Closest call: Chiefs over Chargers. I mean, Kansas City was down 21 points. The Chiefs were dead. The game was a microcosm of the clairvoyant Cameron Ford's pregame comment: "KC is like the story of my love life. It starts out real slow but comes in swinging for the fences late in the season. Don't count them out down the stretch, but certainly don't believe they are going to get a pretty date to the prom. Wait till they have had years of rejection in college before you bet on them getting the lady."
• Easiest win: Eagles over Browns. It's been a few years since we had a solid Anti-(fill in embarrassing team here) Strategy in play. That might change in 2016.
• Toughest loss: Lions over Colts. The Colts were also dead. They also came back. But they lost. Sounds like every Andrew Luck-quarterbacked game ever.
• Team SZN record: 1-1. The Commish survived with Seattle, but The GM (Kyle) went down with Arizona. WTF, Kyle?!?

*****

THE BEST IMAGES AND VIDEOS OF WEEK 1: I SWEAR HE'S A MOTHERF***ING CHEETAH

Brandin Cooks is really, really, REALLY fast.

One week after we thought Eli couldn't possibly do something more embarrassing, the Sunday Night Football intro gave us this. WTF is he saying? "WooooWhoaaa"?

The Lions-Colts game ended with a 40-second, 7-legal-lateral play that went backwards 15 yards.

Easily the worst opening week game (28-0, 49ers) had arguably the best-ever play-by-play call of a field-rusher.

And it's almost always hyperbolic to say one play can alter the course of a franchise, but this one might be different:

*****

PICKS CLOSE THURSDAY AT 5:20PM (PST) - GO MAKE ONE NOW

From here on out, picks close THURSDAY at 5:20pm PST (before TNF kickoff).

You can always change your pick, so go make one now. And remember: Your pick isn't locked until you see it confirmed on your BFIG home page. Make a habit of doing that!

*****

YOUR BEST TAKES FROM THE PAST WEEK (SUBMIT ONE ATOP YOUR HOMEPAGE!)

What are you most excited about this NFL season? What do you fear?

• Jeff Devine: "Looking forward to Jeff Fisher going 9-7. Terrified of a 7-9 season. Lukewarm about 8-8."
• Bryan Corrigan: "I most excited to trash my local gas station and lie about it. I fear that I will tear my MCL from a non-contact drill while watching the NFL."
• Jeremy Hauser: "I literally know nothing about what is going on right now. The only football related thing I've done in the last 5 months is watch Last Chance U. Do you have a community college football survivor league? Let me know if you need VP of Juco Sport. I definitely don't have the time."

How would you best describe your Week 1 BFIG experience?

• Conner Wagenseller: "Seahawks had my balls in a vice grip. And I'm not into that shit."
• Alexander Park: "Picking Kansas City in Week 1: This video. All us KC followers better thank the Big Man... THANKS COMMISH"
• Pat McNamara: "BFIG made the entire week of football very exciting. This is 100 times better than fantasy and a hell of a lot more stressful. I assume this is only going to get more stressful in the coming weeks..."

If by stressful you mean FUNFUEGO, then you're exactly correct, Pat!

*****

KYLE TENNEY SUBMITTED THE LONGEST COMMENT IN BFIG HISTORY. GIVE THIS MAN 17 BLLS.

To anyone who is friends with Kyle, I apologize for what he must have done to your pick viewing experience. (If you didn't check, when picks lock we have a new section showing all your friends' picks and comments. Kyle's comment probably spanned the length of 50 iPhone screens.)

Without further ado, Donald Trump is picking Ditka... and he convinced me to pick the Seattle Seahawks by Kyle Tenney:

"It was November 16, 2015, I stood there in a state of depression and despair, as both of my BFIG picks had fallen, and along with it any chances of financial gain from the pool. How could taking advice from Keith Richards have led me so astray I wondered? I didn’t know if I could take such heartbreak again, I wondered if my days of trying to predict NFL victors were over. Months of soul searching occurred but still I was uncertain of my BFIG future. Then suddenly it happened, it was as if the heavens above had heard my prayers and answered them tenfold. They had presented me with a man who could help me, “Make My BFIG Picks Great Again.” I was given the chance to obtain football picking advice from one, Donald J. Trump.

I sat down with Mr. Trump on his private jet, when it was parked at the Denver airport, where he was visiting for the bi-annual Illuminati meeting. Being a gracious host, he first gave me a tour of the aircraft. He showed me his personal mini-bar which he said was stocked at all times with nothing but Cristal and Bud Lite Limes. He then expressed to me the importance of being a well read individual, which is why he insisted that the jet include space for his book collection. He then proudly showed off his small library of books, which consisted of nothing but books written by him (with the assistance of a ghostwriter or two of course), and first editions of several Dr. Seuss books. He told me he admire Seuss, as he was a man who was straight forward, didn’t mix words, and always told it like it is.

He then told me that he was a bit more pressed for time than he originally thought as he needed to discuss hisdeportation immigration policies with Newt Gingrich. We took a seat and he offered me a glass of Cristal, which tasted remarkably water like, and began to talk. What follows is a transcript of our interview.

Me: I’d first like to thank you Mr. Trump for taking time out of what I’m sure is an extremely busy schedule, to speak with me about Week 1 of the upcoming football season.

Trump: No trouble at all, it’s hard to think of an issue that’s more important than winning the BFIG title. And Mr. Trump is so formal, I’m a man of the people, please call me Uncle Donnie.

Me: I’d rather not.

Trump: If you want to know who to pick in week 1 you damn well will! You know I used to own a winning professional football team. I know football. I have the best football.

Me: Didn’t you own a team in the USFL where you foolishly tried to sue the NFL, and ended up destroying the entire league in the process?

DT: Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!

Me: Okay. Okay. We’ll let the past stay the past and skip over that as well as your numerous bankruptcies and failed business ventures. Who do you like in Week 1?

DT: Well, as I always say leadership is key, and so I look at the top first, and focus on the coaching. And there is simply no coach in the league better than the great Mike Ditka.

Me: Umm…

DT: Ditka and Buddy Ryan, they have that Bears D playing like a wall. And if there’s one thing I love it’s a wall. Have I told you about my plans to make Mexico pay for one yet?

Me: No, but are you aware that Mike Ditka hasn’t coached in the league in more than 15 years? And that Buddy Ryan recently passed away?

DT: There you go letting facts get in the way of the truth again. You’re used to being a loser though and I can see why that pick might not work for a loser. If coaching doesn’t do it for you, let’s talk quarterback play.

Me: Yes, QB play is important, I agree.

DT: With the game on the line there’s no one I’d want to have the ball more than Brett Favre. And not only do the Packers have a great QB. That crowd is just stupendous. They’re really, (pulls out Android and Googles) 21st Amendment people. They love their beer.

Me: Sorry to again be the bearer of bad news, but Brett Favre is retired and now in the Hall of Fame.

DT: And the people of Wisconsin?

Me: Still heavily inebriated. Although the Packers will be on the road to open up the season.

DT: Well since you seem to know so much about football why don’t you let me know who you were thinking of choosing?

Me: Well I’ve given some thought to maybe taking Kansas City.

DT: The Chiefs? No way. They’re name promotes racism and discrimination.

Me: Yes, it is somewhat problematic.

DT: It’s simply ridiculous that these teams always choose to name themselves after Native Americans. Where are the team names honoring white people? The Kansas City Caucasians sounds fantastic if you ask me.

Me: (sitting in silence not sure how to respond)

DT: Well what else have you got?

Me: I also was thinking about selecting the Seahawks (now wondering how he is going to offend birds)

DT: Excellent. Excellent. Marshawn Lynch is one of my all-time favorite players.

Me: Mr. Trump….

DT: Uncle Donnie!

Me: Uncle Donnie, Marshawn also retired, albeit at least recently.

DT: I know that! I love Marshawn Lynch because he ran through people he didn’t go around them. This reminds of one of the shipping policies I plan to enact if elected.

Me: Allowing Amazon to ship directly via drone, instead of various shipping centers?

DT: No, no, not at all. We’ll no longer be using the Panama Canal. As I’ve always said shortcuts are for communists and losers, real men go around the Horn!

Me: But wouldn’t that be a tremendous waste of time and money? And in that Marshawn metaphor, wouldn’t going around the Horn be equivalent to going out of bounds, while taking the Panama Canal is going through someone?

DT: Again you’re letting facts get in the way of the truth. Facts are useless; they can be used to prove anything. 68% of the population knows that. Tell me this can Seattle’s defense be compared to a wall?

Me: I suppose so.

DT: Well that’s all you need to know, now get off my plane, you’re fired!

Me: I never worked for you though.

DT: Sorry it’s a tick I’ve developed from years of filming the Apprentice. But seriously take the Seahwaks and get off the plane.

So there you have it, the Seahawks, my somewhat Trump approved pick. In fairness, I tried to also setup an interview with Hillary about her pick, but she never got back to me. I think there was a problem with her email..."

*****

UNVEILING OUR HAYNESWORTH HUSTLE WINNER: WE TOOK HUSTLE TO NEW HEIGHTS

Commish is so proud. The SZN tree (yes, we have a complete referral tree) is going to be stunningly beautiful this year.

We absolutely blew the doors off previous records. All five finalists beat our previous record, set by 2015 Haynesworth champ, Christian Edwards. The race can be summed up in two comments:

• Justin Kanter: "BrownsSuperBowl2018 has 260 referrals and 134 paid up? Wow. Not sure if I even know that many people. Maybe I should start reanalyzing things socially instead of watching reruns of America's Best Dance Crew and Ebaying for 'Cero Miedo' shirts."
• Hugh Hewitt (our champ): "I am very sorry to have come out of nowhere to crush Nastyboy1956 (Rob Lyons, our runner-up) in the Haynesworth Hustle race. Unless he is a Steelers fan, in which case he can cry in his Terrible Towel. It helps to have a radio show, I admit it, but perhaps he will be consoled to know that the prize money and referral fees will be sent to The Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund. Go Browns (and for this weekend, the Seahawks)!"

Hugh caught wind of The SZN, joined, and had Commish on his show last Friday. (Listen here!) The rest is history. Commish can only imagine what stunts people are gonna pull next year to bring home The SZN's second-most prestigious honor.

Final standings:

• 1. Hugh Hewitt - 134 hustled ($1,000)
• 2. Rob Lyons - 80 hustled ($250)
• 3. Chris Boland - 51 hustled ($100)
• 4. Mike Iaco - 40 hustled ($50)
• 5. CJ Bland - 39 hustled ($50)

*****

HOUSEKEEPING

• Kyle and I play along with everyone, but of course we can't win any money. (Can you believe DraftKings allowed employees to win Daily Fantasy prizes?!) It's written into our official Terms of Service.
• Second Chance Pool starts in Week 5! Everyone who loses in BFIG weeks 1-4 is eligible to play. $6K to the winner.
• We'll be doing at least four 2-Week Survivor competitions throughout the NFL season. It's free with your membership!
• Ditto for an NFL playoffs competition and NBA survivor. We'll have a competitions schedule on the website soon.
• Your friends can get in at any time. Anyone who becomes a member today gets all the competitions listed just above, plus BFIG 2017. Basically, anything that starts in between the day you become a member, and one year from now.
• DOUBLE CHECK YOUR PICK! Seriously, you don't want to be the person who thinks they're on Carolina but actually picked the Panthers' opponent. (It happens at least once every year.)
• The Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl.
• Commish loves you.

*****

That's all the mid-week partying I have for you this week. If you dig The SZN, forward this email to a few friends and be like, "Yo! YO!!!"

Now, go make your pick and leave a killer pick comment:

Yours in football,

The Commish