2015 survivalpocalypse survivors,

We made it. Last year, on this day, the doormats of the NFL universe - led by Commander Crablegs - rose up and attempted to wipe BFIG off the map.

They put forth a valiant effort in torpedoing 96 percent of the pool, but let's be real - this is BFIG. We crush BLLs on our foreheads for fun. We put our jobs in jeopardy in the name of allocating proper time for impossibly witty pick comments.

In a word, we survive.

There's a lot of fear out there today. Survival has a way of reducing us to frightened children, and Week 2 is the Jameis-masked monster under our beds. But Commish has a good feeling about today. May you all frolic in the idyllic green astroturf fields of Week 3.

See your friends' picks and comments, as well as the full spreadsheet of picks, on the BFIG main page:

• After a Week 1 that saw us pick 29 of the available 30 teams, we went into a conservative shell in Week 2... only 28 teams are picked this week.
• Despite being 14-point home favorites, Carolina only garnered 42 percent of our picks.
• Many of you assumed the Panthers would invoke the "Majority Pick" rule that Commish has so often cited over the years. Alas, we'll have to wait for 2016's first such pick.
• 72 percent of our picks went to our top three selections - Carolina, Baltimore (19%), and Detroit (11%). Last week, our top three selections accounted for 70% of our picks.
• We deviated pretty far from Vegas odds this week. Denver is a 7-point favorite at moment (over Indy at home) - the second-highest line - yet the Broncos have just 3 percent of our picks.
• Our 19 percent backing of the Ravens is also out of line for a game that Vegas (Ravens -6) is treating as on par with five other games. Either oddsmakers aren't as sold on the Factory of Sadness increasing its output as we are, or we're doubly intrigued by this game because we think it's an opportunity to win with a mediocre team.
• The Jags were picked 10 times (ten!), ensuring that every team will be picked at least once in BFIG this year.

"You've Got Moxie, Kid" Award

There were many worthy candidates this week - have to give a Moxie Drumstick to Richard Todd for picking the Browns - but in the end, there was a clear choice. When a team loses its opener 28-0 to a team widely regarded as one of the league's worst, and when that team's quarterback openly admits he no longer believes in himself... you know it's bad. Or, do you? Justin Achezinski is casually brushing the Rams' Week 1 loss off his shoulder, and putting his BFIG life in the hands of Jeff Fisher's impending contract extension. Take it away, Justin:

"A week after getting blown out 28-0, the newly relocated Rams franchise has their first home game in LA and knock off the perennial Super Bowl contender Seattle Seahawks for their first win of the season. This is a big win for the franchise and a proud moment for the city and fans of LA who have been waiting 22 years for their team to return home. There's nothing suspicious about this outcome because the NFL is all about parity - any team can win on any given week. No one is going to question Seattle losing this game since they barely beat the Dolphins in week 1. Anyone who doesn't believe in NFL parity doesn't know football. Now hurry up and get that new stadium built - the NFL needs that luxury box revenue!"

Commish Communication Award

First, we have Will Townsend, who shines a light on what it's like to ride the Jacksonville Jaguars roller coaster:

"I'll admit it, I'm a fan of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Yes the lowly Jungle Cats, the Faltering Felines, the abysmal Glitter Kitties of North Florida. I live in Los Angeles where most sports fans' dedication to their teams, once they start losing, is as strong as the gentle breeze strolling in off the coast and across their beautiful faces. However, I am not like them. I have stuck by the Jaguars ever since I was 5, when I arbitrarily decided turquoise was a really cool color, and that I should root for this new football team that was also turquoise. It has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions since then, if roller coasters went up for a little bit and then plummeted down for 10 straight years, hitting your head on terrible draft picks the whole way down (also come on, how is Blaine Gabbert starting and winning in the NFL now??? Seriously, this is so dumb). But now is a chance for me to further cement my fandom. After seeing nobody pick the WarBortles squad in week 1, I was sad for them. It seemed like they needed a hug. So, I have decided to show them some support and pick them to beat the Chargers. Last week I talked about how my stockholders needed to see steady improvement each year in the BFIG, and that I needed to last until week 3 to please those investors. Well screw those guys, I'm going rogue!!! I will be at this game in San Diego, so if the Jungle Cats lose, at least, in the words of Dido, 'I will go down with this ship!'"

Second, we have Jared Kahn (Panthers), for going Jim Harbaugh-meets-Bob Knight on his favorite football coach, Chip Kelly:

"I HATE CHIP KELLY. I was born and raised in Philadelphia. West Philadelphia to be exact (not a joke). Philly is first and foremost a football town. Despite some cherished runs by our other teams, the Eagles are the consensus number 1 favorite. Donovan McNabb will forever be the GOAT. I like to think he's been on his recent Dodge Stratus DUI bender trying to run from his past of never bringing a Superbowl championship to the Philadelphia. When his time on the Eagles was up, the team fell apart. Fast-forward through some painfully awful decisions the ownership made, which I will not discuss. Michael Vick. (No, I will not discuss). Then the 4-12 season. (Dammit, what did i just say!?) The city's prayers were (seemingly) answered by this unknown force from the West. Chip Kelly comes to town. This is the start of the bad times (Goodfellas, 1990). He was supposed to be our savior, our deliverer, our answer, for our Michael Vick days (SonofaBitch). Everything seemed so wonderful and promising. Like when a girl invites you to her place after the date for coffee when you and her both know you don't drink caffeine past 7. The honeymoon phase was certainly cast upon the city over Chip. And then, we actually played well. Winning records and playoffs are all you need to make this fanbase happy (we're not really used to the winning championships thing anyway). But then, the city woke up in the morning and saw what our bride to be looks like without makeup. A hideous, somewhat racist, short, stubby, nose picking, cant-convert-in-the-redzone MONSTER. It is not entirely on his track record as a coach, however. It is also on his egregious tenure as GM. When he traded away a hometown favorite (and my personal favorite since the days of Westbrook and Deuce) Lesean McCoy. When he butchered our O-line. Byron Maxwell and his f***ing contract. Byron Maxwell and his f***ing contract. Desean Jackson ordeal. Demarco Murray ordeal. BYRON MAXWELL AND THAT STUPID F***ING CONTRACT. Chip Kelly was abruptly and rightly fired. Leaving a shell of a once decently rated Eagles core into oblivion and obscurity. I thank my lucky stripes that Carson Wentz looks like he might be the real deal. Chip Kelly is a bad man. Chip Kelly is a bad human-being. Chip Kelly resembles the Penguin (Batman Returns, 1992). Chip Kelly has a dumb first name. Chip Kelly is an ass-hat. Chip Kelly can go rot in the Bay Area. I hate you Chip Kelly and everything you did to my Eagles. So. Anyway. Where was I? Oh, right. I am choosing the Panthers because I hate Chip Kelly. The 49ers may have looked impressive against a Jeff Fisher fueled offense. But, as soon as the defense stays on the field all game (a huge problem for Chip and the Eagles) maybe the rest of the country will join me in hating Chip."

And third, we have Scott Fluhler (Panthers), for admitting what's true for so many of us: We have BFIG truisms sharpied on our arms:

"I wake up this morning. It's just like any other morning. I feel refreshed. I feel new. Finally, I've made it past week one. Open laptop. It's time to make my pick. Ooh, Jacksonville at Chargers. That could be a sneaky one. Hope some heavy favorites implode. Maybe all 4000 people will be eliminated and everyone will look to me and my brilliant Jacksonville pick in awe and wonder. I roll up my sleeves. It's game time. Just as I move my cursor to submit, I notice something peculiar. Something written on my arm in Sharpie. "Don't be cute." I guess that makes sense. Always thought of myself as handsome over cute. Wait. There's more written further up my arm. I push my sleeve up to reveal: "...with your Survivor pick, idiot." Who wrote this? Was it me? I look back to my pick and suddenly, Jacksonville feels different. It feels weak. It feels...like the kind of pick that gets me eliminated every goddamn year. Fine, I guess I'll pick the Panthers. I roll up my sleeve as high as I can. One last message. "Well done."

"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award

This is a story of how Blaine Gabbert and Phantom Poopers prove that the Panthers will win today. Go ahead, Mike Cieslak, you have a lot of work to do here:

"On Thursday, Cam Newton brought his new food truck to practice and fed lunch to the players and coaches. Food trucks are the new thing. It's every millennial's dream to have a food truck. Cam Newton is a millennial with plenty of money. Why wouldn't he buy a food truck? (Scene break) It was 2002-2003 and a small private school in Rochester, NY was making national sports news. The basketball team had risen to #2 in USA Today's national poll. As fate would have it, the team that assumed the #1 spot was right down the road, relatively speaking. Four and half hours away, LeBron James had begun his ascent to super stardom. St. Vincent-St. Mary High School was embarrassing every team it faced and had risen to the top spot. Now, it wasn't common for the top two teams in the nation to be that close geographically and the St. Vincent-St. Mary team, a.k.a LeBron, was commanding a lot of airtime on ESPN. In early January, the rumors started that the two teams were going to play. Excitement grew throughout the city. They were going to see this LeBron guy dunk all over one of the local teams, and it was going to be on national television, on ESPN! (Scene break) "This is your Vice Principal for Student Affairs speaking, the Phantom Pooper has struck again." (Scene break) Meanwhile, at that small private school in Rochester, NY, not much attention was being given to the possible clash of titans. Instead, all of the students were tantalized by the mystery of the Phantom Pooper. How was he getting the poop on the ceilings? Some said he would use the cardboard-esque toilet paper that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Others suggested the use of plastic wrap, or rubber gloves. When would he do it? How was he able to get all of the bathrooms? The entire school was consumed by the mystery of the Phantom Pooper. (Scene break) As time went on, the game never materialized and the Phantom Pooper moved on. (As an aside, I am pretty sure he actually moved to Norway where he terrorized a golf course for years. (Scene break) Years later, the identity of the Phantom Pooper became clear, and you'll never guess what he does now. He owns a damn food truck, just like Cam Newton! The Phantom Pooper is slinging some of the finest meats all over Rochester, NY. They're basically the same person. Cam probably takes shits in weird places, too. Oddly enough, the Phantom Pooper also played for that legendary basketball team. Guys who own food trucks are winners, and so are Phantom Poopers. Blaine Gabbert owns zero food trucks and only poops in toilets. He's a loser."

We have a second Bengals Tickets winner today. Kyle Tenney (Lions) would like to tell you about Mike Mularkey's record as an NFL football coach:

"I have a pretty crazy family. My grandmother once asked us why her sunglasses no longer worked, only for us to discover she'd been using the 3D glasses from the movies. I had an uncle who would take a box of air fresheners for comparison when picking out a Christmas tree,so that he could ensure he was getting the tree with the most pine fresh scent. My grandfather once got us a free dinner but saying we should walk out the door backwards to make it look like we're coming in, and the manager finding that corny enough to comp our meal. The same aforementioned grandma once called us to come over and help look for her dentures because she had sneezed too hard and they went flying out of her mouth and she couldn't find them. My cousin once nearly killed himself on a motorcycle as when he was about out of gas, he decided it would be a good idea to go as fast as possible and try and coast to the gas station. Another of my uncle's once escaped a DUI by telling a cop he was hammered (don't drink and drive kids). My grandfather once had surgery for a broken ankle and his pain meds made him think our lamp was his over 50-years dead grandmother spitting tobacco at him, so he began to spit back. I say all this, because crazy family stories like this are more interesting than the reason I picked the Lions. The reason being that, their opponent is coached by Mike Mularkey. The man has a career record of 18-40 as a head coach. Yes, that's right 18-40! This means if I know nothing else about a game besides the fact that Mularkey is coaching, I have nearly a 70% chance of being right. Seriously I've seen people come up with more complex gameplans in games of Madden. I'm sure at one point Titans fans thought nothing could make them long for those 7-9 seasons for Jeff "Coach Fiddy-Fiddy" Fisher, but Mularkey can."

Definitely Not Concussed Award

Stuart Montgomery (Panthers) has taught us that it's been a (very) long time since the Niners beat the Panthers in a regular season game:

"November 18, 2001 was the last time SF beat the Panthers in the regular season. At the same time "Because I Got High" by Afroman was in the top 5 hits in the U.K. and Australia. Kaepernick is closer to Afroman than a starting QB and as a rule I'll ALWAYS pick against Blaine Gabbert. Let the Panthers winning streak continue in what will be a knee-jerkingly-good parade of yellow flags for roughing the passer."

And Collin King (Panthers) just introduced us to what might be the best worst NFL fan video we've ever seen. Seriously, these things are always bad. This one is REALLY bad:

"Cam Newton and Blaine Gabbert were both top 10 picks in 2011. One of them has an MVP and Super Bowl appearance. The other has amazing hair and the best YouTube video in the league, which has to make the Niners QB room a little awkward."

BORTLEMANIA!!! Award

Yes, this is a new award. Yes, this is probably the only time this award will ever be given out. But, I mean, I had to. "We were competitive till the end!"

Shawn Sharp (Jaguars): "WHAT A GAME!!!! WHAT A GAME!!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 YEARS WE WERE COMPETITIVE TILL THE END. WE WENT NECK AND NECK WITH THE BEST. MY MAN BLAKE, THE ALLEN BROTHERS AND THOMAS (IF HIS ANKLE IS OKAY) WILL BRING IT HOME FOR OUR FIRST WIN THIS WEEKEND AT THE BEAUTIFUL SAN DIEGO JACK MURPHY STADIUM WHERE I ALSO GREW UP AND WATCH A LOT OF PADRES GAMES WITH TONY GWYNN AND KEN CAMINITI."

THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'

Rob Norwood (Panthers): "Once again, I don't have the answers. Any answers, about survivor picks, parity in the NFL or anything else. For example, given the use of military satellites and synthetic aperture radar, where the f*** is Hidden Valley Ranch? Where does Queen Latifah stand in the line of succession to the throne of England? If I've done exactly jack-squat at work this year, what should I put down as an "accomplishment" on my annual performance appraisal? Will skinny jeans damage a gentleman's nugget pouch? Why do aliens travel millions of light years only to play backdoor boogie with their abductees? How do the Patriots win on the road, missing six key players and starting Prince Aladdin at quarterback? This week I so desperately want to throw caution to the wind and offer sacrifice on the altar of survivor pool god Testicules. Instead I will play it safe, if there is such a thing. Tuck the twins away for a week, and look for Carolina to keep pounding at home. I swear I threw up in my mouth a little bit just now. *cries*"

(Rob's companion in BFIG absurdity, Paige, was Garoppolo'd out of the title pool last week. We eagerly await her Week 5 return in the Second Chance Pool.)

TWO INCREDIBLE LOVE (LOST?) STORIES: JOHN STAMOS AND THE BACHELORETTE

Jake Weinrich (Panthers): "Commish, every now and again, a man has to put football knowledge and logic aside and go with his gut. 13-point spread with an angry NFC reigning champ at home against the second-best team in the Bay Area blah blah blah. Here's the sad, but true story. My ex-girlfriend (age 30) is dating John Stamos, who aggressively pursued her while we were still together. Hell, the guy even invited me to a vegan cookout (huh?!) at his creepy Disney-laden home (no Bud Light Limes? No thanks). Anyway, John Stamos is well known for his role as Uncle Jesse on a horseshit show known as Full House. Full House took place in San Francisco (let's not get into how Bob Saget was capable of affording a 6-bedroom home in Alamo Square on his modest salary as a local daytime tv show host). When we broke up, she took everything, including my beloved dog. F*** Full House. F*** my ex. And most of all, f*** Uncle Jesse. I'd still get down with Kimmy Gibbler, though."

Commish says: Jake, is John Stamos in BFIG? Well then, WHO'S THE BETTER MAN, JAKE? Exactly. If you want to throw a "F*** John Stamos" party, complete with an egregrious number of Bud Light Lime racks and ridiculous Kimmy Gibbler wallpaper, I just might sign up as co-host. WHO'S IN?

Micah Heisler (Seahawks): "Seattle - Because I've already survived a week longer than I did on the Bachelorette and Seattle is playing L.A. where that f***in' debacle took place."

Commish says: Hold up, hold up for JUST ONE SECOND. (Googling... Googling...) Oh my god, you were actually on the Bachelorette, Micah. This is amazing. Can you write a post for us about your experience? How many former NFL players were co-contestants with you? Can we get Chris Harrison in BFIG? I have so many questions.

THE "TREVOR SIEMIAN: MAN OR APE OR FLUID?" DEBATE HAS SPIRALLED OUT OF CONTROL

Evan Young (Broncos): "I was going to pick the Raiders. Then I remembered 2015 Week 2 was JaMarcus. Pretty sure that's a terrible omen for the Raiders this week. I was going to pick the Giants. Then I remembered the Hedge of Happiness isn't enough - I care about BFIG too much to be forced to root for the G-men. So this leaves me putting my faith in a Northwestern quarterback who makes me think of monkeys every time I hear his name because, you know, simians. I may regret backing a monkey against Andrew Luck, but then again here's a video of a monkey riding a dog in Indianapolis. Must be a good omen for when the Colts travel to Denver this Sunday. Let's just hope I don't catch a case of the Siemian Flu."

Commish says: First, I didn't think the monkey riding dog video would be very funny. Turns out it's f***ing hilarious. Second, I read this and chuckled. "Simians, good one," I thought. I didn't realize EVERYONE was pondering this dude's name...

Cameron Lochte (Broncos): "Because when my girlfriend and I were watching the Week 1 Car-Den opener, my girlfriend opined "I think this Siemian (she pronounced it SEMEN) guy is doing really well for his first game! He's all over the field!" And you know what, Siemian was all over the field, spraying it left and right. And I'm prepared to cover my entry with Siemian for another week, and see how long I can last. I can't promise it won't be messy, but hopefully in the end, after 4 weeks of dry runs, what he pulled out last week (some say sample size doesn't matter) will be the real deal. Otherwise I'll be sitting here alone with a big Siemian mess on my hands."

Mike Rosolio (Broncos): "Because I think Trevor Siemian cannot be shaken. Fortunately, I know exactly why. The man undoubtedly has had a lifetime of being mocked for his surname. The most basic ball-busting nickname is 'Simian,' meaning ape, which becomes clear to biology majors or anyone with autocorrect. For those who have been making Adam Sandler impossibly rich, 'semen' is an equally low-brow shot. There's also 'seaman' for those who find sailors disagreeable, drunken, or foolish and 'sea-man' for acolytes of Tolkien and Coleridge. Personally, I think the nickname to get the deepest beneath the skin of the field general from Northwestern has to be the most creative, confusing, and bizarrely specific: 'Siemens.' It might not seem like being trash-talked with a comparison to a multi-national electronics company would be a problem, until a heckler from the mezzanine starts chanting 'B-A-S-F' directly into your ear canal. Oh and the Colts are terrible."

Michael Trezza (Panthers): "2014: Niners dominate MIN on Monday night, which scares everyone off of The Steelers in week 2, which leads to the Saints apocalypse. History is doomed to repeat itself."

Commish says: The Week 1-to-Week 2 storylines were indeed scarily similar to last year. But since we *didn't* go majority pick on Carolina, did we break the pattern (curse)?

Mark Smid (Lions): "Commish always tells me that records matter. I'm going off the premise that Detroit looked good week 1 and Tennessee looked bad."

Commish says: This is the one thing that legitimately scares me about Carolina today. I say "records matter more than perception" ALL the time, because it's true. Time and again the NFL proves this. (And here I am, picking Carolina)

Ryan Kropf (Lions): "If I've learned anything from BFIG (other than BLLs are surprisingly ok and people will always come up with a pick comment more witty than mine) it's that 1-0 v 0-1 means a lot more than people think. Carolina will be heavily picked but I'm not hopping on the 0-1 team v a 1-0 team. Go 49ers. I hope you knock out 60% of the league and shock Steve Young so hard he speaks coherent sentences on tv again. (do you think the NFLPA has a deal with ESPN to have him on their shows to prove that concussions cause long term damage?). Go Lions."

Commish says: Shitshitshit

Mary Sorrick (Broncos): "I love Peyton Manning! I cannot wait to watch him play in this football game! I almost picked the Seahawks because of Marshawn Lynch (beast mode!), and I thought about picking the Rams because St. Louis just a great town. But instead it's gonna be the Broncos."

Commish says: I LOVE TERRELL DAVIS! AND LAMP!

Justin Kanter (Cardinals): "Miller chill > Bud light lime. #fact"

Commish says: Get out, Kanter. OUT!

Daniel Rignack (Cardinals): " Cardinals are not going 0-2. Hey mom can I have some peanut butter? It is a known fact that football players achieve a higher level of skill when mini wheats are in their breakfast. Let's go Cardinals! Clap clap clap clap clap."

Cameron Ford (Lions): "My friends were mocking me. "Nice pick" they said, "better luck next year". But no! Just as my hopes were in the gutters, as I was reminding myself that the NFL is a soul crushing beast, the Chiefs rose from the ashes of despair and won. They won. Not to mention my home town team once again had God (aka Russell Wilson) lift them to victory. Course he only did that after shitting the bed and making my heart hurt. So happy football is back but I'm headed to a cardiologist. Speaking of ensuing heart attacks, I'm going to make a riskier bet than last week and go with the Lions. If you asked me a year ago if I would ever bet on the Lions I would have slapped you. Repeatedly. This is like watching a 4th grader get beat on by 5th graders during morning recess and then picking them to win a fight during afternoon recess. I mean sure, lunch period was good to them, they got some energy back, but are they really going to be able to stand up to the challenge? Well turns out they got matched against a 3rd grader, so I'm going to pick them and pray the 3rd grader isn't taking steroids and beaver tranquilizers. This league is amazing but will either absolutely demolish my self confidence or make my ego larger than anyone can handle, my friends will probably disown me either way."

Kevin Graves (Lions): "What has this world come to?"

Nicholas Kostopoulos (Panthers): "Three things in life are certain: Bacon makes anything taste better, the Commissioner loves the Packers, and and 49ers will not win two games in a row this year."

Commish says: He got it right!

Rob Lyons (Panthers): "Hi Commish - Great pool, exciting to be part of it. I need to respond to my friend, Hugh Hewitt. First of all congratulations on your Haynesworth victory and donating your winnings to The Injured Marine Semper Fi fund. Now, down to what I really need to say. Hugh has access to millions of people on a national radio show and I have a mere 1000 email addresses from a March Madness pool I run. Hmmmmm... I'm not a stinking Steelers fan, either, but a dedicated and proud New England Patriots fan. The second strike against you, Hugh, is being a Browns fan. I could go on forever about the Browns. When will they ever get a real QB? It must be 24 QB's in the past 8 years... Does the Dawg Pound exist anymore or have they buried all their bones and gone home? Good Luck to all that are still alive."

Commish says: Can we build a Haynesworth Throwdown arena? Is it an open field? A cage? Can Haynesworth make a guest appearance? How many of us would wrestle Albert Haynesworth straight up?

Evan Wettengal (Panthers): "Because the man that put the Packers out of the playoffs two years in a row (thanks a lot, Erik Walden) isn't even good enough to start over Blaine Gabbert. A future in social activism maybe - thankfully you don't need an accurate throwing arm to take a stand. "

Commish says: I think about this often. Kaepernick absolutely destroyed the Packers in consecutive playoff matchups. How is he not even 50 percent that good anymore?

Tyler Jackson (Panthers): "After the Chargers kicked a FG to go up 24-3 in the 3rd quarter, I texted Nate (a Chargers fan who picked KC in the BFIG), "are you happy for the Chargers or mad about the BFIG?" he simply texted back, "They'll blow it. Keep the faith." After Alex Smith went into the endzone in OT, Nate solemnly (happily?) texted me back, "I've seen it before." I'm pretty sure the BFIG helped Nate achieve a new low for Chargers fandom. Thanks Commish!"

Jeffrey Caras (Panthers): "What do these teams have in common? Carolina Panthers, Arizona Cardinals, New England Patriots, Tennessee Titans, Minnesota Vikings. If you guessed, "82% of the players on their rosters have gonorrhea," you are correct. BUT more importantly they are the NFL teams that chose whole states, or in the Patriots case, entire regions to represent. I like my coffee black, my Presidents from Virginia, and my NFL teams to represent CITIES. The egos on these freaking teams. Hell, even Green Bay which has a population of 8 guys named Gary, 11 women named Phyllis, and Brendan Dassey's attorney chose a city to represent. "SIMBA, EVERYHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES, FROM NYC TO NOVA SCOTIA IS OUR KINGDOM." ~ Bob Kraft to his son Simba, probably. From now on, Denver should be called the Rocky Mountain and Nuclear Testing Fallout Range Broncos. Phoenix Cardinals, Nashville Titans, Boston Patriots, Minneapolis Vikings, and the Charlotte Panthers. See? So simple and with 75% less saturated fat. Anyway I'm picking the Charlotte Panthers this week because there is no way the Silicon Valley 49ers can travel cross country on a short week and beat the Panthers who have extra days rest."

Brian Corrigan (Panthers): "You know you run a very large survivor pool when you have entries from both a Bryan Corrigan and a Brian Corrigan. Hope it comes down to the two of us. Brian with an "i" is clearly the superior spelling, by the way."

Commish says: This is amazing. I also love when people tell me, "Yo, I know this person from middle school, and apparently SOMEONE ELSE referred him to The SZN."

Ben Gross (Panthers): "Tyler Higbee sounds like he should be the whimsical protagonist of a children's book, and Blaine Gabbert sounds like he should be the mayor of Fraggle Rock. Instead, they're both football players."

John Fillmore (Panthers): "Remember that girl in college you dumped when you realized she was high-maintenance, had let-herself-go-a-little, and just might be crazy... only to find out that 3 months later she had dropped 15 pounds, was acting totally normal, and dating a great guy? Let's call that girl "Heather." And you felt totally shitty, thinking 'man, I never should have given up on Heather, I knew she could be awesome" --- right up until 6 months later when she put all the weight back on, started screaming at her boyfriend every time he talked to another female at a party, and eventually broke up again? We are who we are, and the 49ers are 2016's football Heather."

Arjun Bedi (Raiders): "When I imagine a Crabtree I picture some tall cedar littered with crustaceans from the deep blue. From what I've gathered from extensive scholarly research which is really just drunk, late night viewings of animal planet, Falcons do in fact enjoy trees. But what happens when a Falcon comes in contact with a Crabtree? My 20 minutes of shaking an 8-ball has revealed that "Outlook not so good".

Commish says: Arjun, can you narrate your next late night Animal Planet viewing for us?

Aaron Overstreet (Raiders): "I made a dart board with all 32 teams pictured. Threw a dart at it to pick my team this week. The dart hit the board and fell into the garbage. So, Raiders it is."

Matt Hart (Ravens): "I apologize in advance to all of my color blind colleagues out there...But F YOU ALL for depriving the rest of us of the opportunity to watch a team wearing full purple suits wage war against an opponent fully clad in the finest dookie brown. What could have been an epic fight, the likes of which haven't been seen since the Battle of the Bastards, is now just Ravens v. Browns. I'll take the guys in the purple."

David Young (Ravens): "The last time the Cleveland Brown finished a season with a winning record, their now current starting QB, Josh McCown, was playing for the Raiders. Since that time he has also played for the Miami Dolphins, Carolina Panthers, Hartford Colonials, San Francisco 49ers, Chicago Bears & Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Can we please begin a campaign to build a team of 'Keep gettin them cheques' guys for the NFL, a la what Jalen does for the NBA? Surely McCown is the captain of said team!!"

Terra Dispirito (Redskins): "I told my husband I was picking the Redskins this week. He responded with "Why the F*** would you pick the dumpster fire?!?!" Am I missing something here?"

Commish says: Terra, it's very important you read this.

Adam Spunberg (Seahawks): "If we get attacked by pyromaniac alien invaders who trigger 51 dumpster fires all together at once, somewhere beneath all that rubble, burrowed underground like Brendan Fraser in that awful rendition of Journey to the Center of the Earth, lies Case Keenum's ability to play quarterback. See you in Week 3."

Justin Gordon-Cooper (Bears): "because all Jay Cutler needs is someone to believe in him."

Nick Ferdon (Ravens): "#BryanKilledHarambe"

Matt Bouret (Cardinals): "I really do think Bryan Harris killed Harambe...maybe even Bantu. Just saying."

Adam Zoucha (Panthers): "First 7 weeks, highest spread total. Take the thinking out it. Again, people shouldn't forget that Bryan Harris killed Harambe"

Commish says: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, BRYAN. This cannot go on. You make innocent pick comments like there isn't a raging controvery brewing. I expect resolution next week.

Sara Dymond (Giants): "I am a die hard Eagles fan...and I just picked the G-girls to win. Meh."

Commish says: The Hedge of Happiness!!!

Amanda Ross (Cardinals): "Andy Dalton's slightly ginger-complected predecessor (seriously, he has all the makings of a ginger without truly being one) has only let me down several dozen more times than I care to count, or think about, in my perpetual Bengals fan weariness. But, and this is a big but, if Kimo Von Oelhoffen feels bad about the knee snap heard round the globe (and I quote - "it sounded like a gunshot") (but like Jesus Kimo, the NFL isn't Chicago south of Guaranteed Rate Field or whatever it's called these days... Seriously what's wrong with you...) Anyway, then I can forgive my 2005 Bungles for that epically botched post season and put my fate in the hands of the Almighty Almost-Ginger, Carson Palmer. "

Commish says: The Almighty Almost-Ginger!!!

Alex Mace (Cardinals): "The 2002 Buccaneers squad was unreal - Keyshawn, Sapp, Alstott not to mention John Gruden who has one of the top 5 creepiest smiles of all time. Too bad it's 2016.....also still not over the Jameis Winston Crab Legs Scandal. Go Cards."

Commish says: What other teams make us look back and say, "Good lord, how did they not win three titles?" Vikings fans, you should probably not answer this question.

John Klimowicz (Cardinals): "If Arizona loses two In a row then I'll streak naked through the philly streets."

Commish says: You all realize that if you write it and I publish it, then it must happen or else you'll be eternally shamed, right?

Tyler Kofman (Cardinals): "All week I have been trying to talk myself out of taking the Ravens for a few reasons. Reason 1: I was part of the majority pick last year that derailed BFIG, and I was part of the majority pick last week that ALMOST derailed BFIG. This is going to be a majority pick, and I'm over majority picks. Reason 2: The browns are bad, but not as bad as RGIII. Now that he is gone, 37 year old Josh McCown takes over. This same 37 year old McCown roasted the Ravens for 450+ yards last year on the way to an OT field goal victory. Reason 3: I'd rather root against the majority picks and reach pay-day by week 6. Did I succeed in convincing myself to not take the Ravens? Barely. Not being a part of Jamarcus this week. Hopefully, I'm not a victim of Jameis, either. Let's go Cardinals. "

Adam Graves (Giants): "Nobody is talking about the return of Crystal Pepsi!!!! So good, so refreshing. It feels like 1991 again... And the Giants won the Super Bowl that year. I wonder what Eli thinks of Crystal Pepsi... "

Ryan Jernegan (Jaguars): "I lost in week 1 last year, so f*** it, I've already won. Give me Beer!!"

Hailey Cohen (Jets): "Still have no idea how football works but my brother told me the Titans are hot garbage."

Commish says: That's 80 percent of what you need to know, Hailey!

Christian Guzek (Jets): "I picked this team because Brandon Marshall needs to amp up his protest game. The way I see it, in 'Merica, we like winners. If Kaepy was a winner, we'd all be kneeling for the anthem. Thank god for him Brandon Marshall jumped into the protest mix because we all know Kaep ain't never becoming a winner again. But Brandon Marshall - he's still a winner. And he knows that the only thing that might help turn 'Merica's opinion of him back to the good is something like 2 dope one-handed-touchdown grabs while being triple-teamed by the weak-a$$ Bills' secondary. This pick's a lock."

Joe Schlesinger (Lions): "I thank my parents for many things. This week, I thank them for scheduling a family dinner to coincide with the 2nd half of the Seahawks game. Not sure I'd still be alive if I had to watch my Week 1 pick come that close to losing. With a new lease on life - I'm taking the Detroit Lions in week 2. I hope the presence of Big Sean, Royce da 5'9 and D12 will guide me to victory."

Levi Preiner (Lions): "If the Vikings can beat the Titans without scoring a single offensive touchdown I believe the Lions can take care of business at home. The Lions scored 39 on Andrew Luck and his beard in Indianapolis. Plus the Lions at this point have absolutely no future pick value. Here's to Kaepernick coming back in and playing like he did against the Packers in the playoffs two years in row and dismantling 40% of the pool. Here's to not picking an injured Russell Wilson in an away divisional game. Here's to making it to week 3! *Cheers a BLL*"

Price Vetter (Lions): "6-3 Seattle? Really?! Picture this: I'm in Prague at the only bar with a tv playing American Football (real football), drowning my sorrows in $1 half liters of unfortunately-not-bud-light-lime, watching desperately as the Seachickens squeak out a win. I despise rooting for them any ways and now I won't have to the rest of the season. I hope they lose out after a performance like that."

Bill Haughney (Lions): "Hmmm, Oakland won? On the Road? On the East Coast? Shite! I wasn't quite planning to make another pick. However, if I want the 529 plan to get funded (and by the way the boy has Sacramento State aspirations, so I need to start early - GO HORNETS!) I will need to take some risks. Why not get them out of the way? So this pick this week.....what do I do? Is it possible that Cam Newton's Super Bowl Post Game presser may have been the first domino in North Carolina's inability to deflect negative major sports press? Is it possible that the West Coast version of a Dumpster Fire that goes by the name of Tomsula (wait a second, it's now a coach with a huge visor and a Science Faire project board with four pictures of Trump, Ryan Lochte and his protesters on DWTS, Kanye West/Kid Cuti, and Colin Kaepernick) will make good, though they are mostly dead and don't have Miracle Max? In other words, is it possible that the Niners who have about the same chance of beating the Panthers as Lloyd Christmas has of banging Mary Swanson (wait what was her last name? I'll look it up. You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Maybe it's on the briefcase. Oh, yeah! It's right here. Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.) will win the game? I think not, though I really want to take them and win the Moxie Award. So what do I do? I need a diamond in the rough. Who is at home? Who sucks historically? Who is playing a team that is complete crap, yet is still crap themselves? Many teams. But my pick is Detroit. My Father-In-Law's brother has season tickers at Ford Field. I've been to a Tigers game. I've taken the Eight Mile exit off of the freeway. I like Kid Rock and I own a 64 Mustang. What more do I need? I'll tell you what I need. More Paulaner Octoberfest! I was watching the Raiders this past week, and saw them losing to the Saints. I texted my buddy, and fellow BFIG player, Dave Bernhardt, lamenting my struggles. The problem was I was not drinking. Let's not discuss that it was 11:45am on a Sunday and my 3-year old wanted to play baseball with his Blaze and the Monster Machines bat and ball, and my 9-month old wanted to pull himself up to crawl over to me and slobber then spit up strawberry baby yogurt. I needed a beer. I had no BLL, yet I still decided to channel The Commish, and drink what I had. Being almost the time of Octoberfest. I cracked a Paulaner. What happened in the second half has been documented. But, I know it was my Paulaner, like The Commish's BLL's that carried me to Week 2 victory, YEE HAW! I have three more Paulaners. Lions, don't make me crack one this week. They are seasonal and I need them to last. Let's go Lions, LET'S GO!!"

Commish says: This is a football community. This is a football community. This is not a drinking league. This is not a drinking league. I love Bud Light Lime. This is not a drinking league.

Scott McMullan (Lions): "Of Corporate America has taught me anything, it's that we as a species are utterly incapable of learning from our mistakes. What better pick than the team who has spent my entire football-watching lifetime embodying that principle? Go LOINS. Eat at Arby's."

Matt Behan (Lions): "What can I say.... I'm a closet Matt Stafford fan. Guess that's out in the open now though. Please don't tell anyone."

Demetrios Saites (Lions): "You're right Commish. Bold choice. But there's something special about Ford Field. Last year, watching the Packers trail the Lions at that giant stadium, the only thing good about it were the gyros my brother and cousin and I had at halftime. Then, with 00:00 left on the clock, we watched the greatest throw we'll probably ever see in our lives, and listened to 25,000 lions fans hearts break as Rodgers came down with the catch. Ford Field is great! Wait, am I f***ing myself here? Maybe. This is a chance to get the Lions out of the way. As that game last year proved, the Lions will always end up as the Lions, and the Pack will always be the greatness that is the Pack, so I better "pounce" on this one, as the Titans have the personality of an unplugged ATM machine. SKADOOSH! Praise be to the #12, the Jordy, and the Holy Lambeau. Amen. GPG"

Eric Barnett (Packers): "Commish...I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Many can't be repeated to our SZN community, so I will share the ones that can - 1) I didn't go to the watch party at Mad Dog in the Fog, and now I'll be out of town for the next 6 Sundays in a row. I really need to meet the Commish. 2) I am in a similar survivor pool, but instead you pick a team to lose each week. Just as fun, higher stakes. I lost $100 picking against the Pats. I am a low key Pats fan (I was a young child during the Pats SB reign, hard not to be). That pissed me off. Now on to the mistakes I will not make...I will not be knocked out of BFIG before picking the Packers. The commish giveth, and the commish taketh away. I am buying in man, this better not cost me. Niners will surprise everyone (even though Amari Cooper + his crew are the best football team in the bay), and I'll come out as one of the few survivors not buying the Panters SB run. Make it happen Commish, and in 7 weeks I'll get you a BLL"

Commish says: Eric, great news: There's gonna be a "F*** John Stamos" party soon! Can't wait to put the invites in the mail.

Brendon Kimber (Panthers): "Cause Blaine Gabbert can't Hyde forever...I'm a new dad, so gotta practice the puns here. Seriously though, Gabbert is a ginormous piece of shit. Whenever he tries to throw (and he'll have to to keep up with Carolina), I can just imagine Patches O'Houlihan rising from his grave to exclaim "You look like a bunch of retards trying hump a doorknob!"

Jack Mertes (Panthers): "The Odyssey, War and Peace, and Kyle Tenney's week one BFIG pick comment. The three greatest literary works of our time. I'm on the Panthers."

Justin rappel (Panthers): "Changing my pick this week like a SJW changes genders. Does that make me pickfluid? Pickurious?"

Commish says: Justin, how much time did you spend his week pondering the answer to your own question? Be honest.

Chad Petross (Panthers): "Tuesday Night: As I'm picking this week's team, my Seattle Mariners are beating the Los Angeles Angels, 8-0 after Seth Smith's grand slam, and Taijuan Walker is pitching a perfect game through 5 innings. They're also on a six game winning streak and when they win tonight, will be within 2 games of a wild card spot. The Carolina Panthers are at home, playing San Fran making the trek from the West Coast for an early game, and are 13.5 point favorites. f*** you jinxes, nothing can go wrong here. Sunday afternoon around 4:30 p.m. (Eastern): F*** f*** f***, f***ity f***. How shitty has this week been? Mariners have lost 5 in a row since Wednesday night's bullpen melt down where they gave up 9 runs in the 8th and 9th innings. Taijuan Walker left after throwing 7 shutout innings, losing a perfecto on a Mike Trout double in the bottom of the 7th. To top it all off the Panthers were upset at home after Colin Kaepernick was forced into action and brought the 49ers back running for three 4th quarter TDs. He wore the American flag as a cape on the field after the game. There are riots in Charlotte. Well played jinx, well played."

Luke Hvidhyld (Panthers): "As I sit here and think about my pick I can't seem to get the thought of Joe Webb out of my head. Why Joe Webb? I'll tell you why. In his rookie year for the Vikings (who drafted him thinking he'd work out as a receiver), Webb was asked to replace Hall of Fame QB Brett Favre after he got dismantled at TCF Bank Stadium. So Joe Webb, in week 16, is about to start his first NFL game against the playoff-bound Eagles led by Michael Vick and at this point in our season Brett Favre is all but retired (again), we had fired our head coach Brad 'Chili-Mac' Childress, and we are hoping to lose out for the best available draft spot. Our current 5-9 record had us placed in the top-10 in the draft, then the Joe Webb experience happened! This dude comes in and moves the ball up and down the field in the second half, making Vikings fans almost forget about Favre for a second and all just to win one meaningless game in December! Why the rambling? Why the sorrow? Vikings fans are in a much better place now than they were when Joe Frickin' Webb was on the team. I'm not saying Joe Webb lost us an opportunity to draft J.J. Watt, but a man can dream. Shit, Watt could've played better QB than Ponder did anyways. Fast Forward to 2016 and Joe Webb finds himself in the Super Bowl. No, not as the starting Quarterback that some Vikings rubes dreamt of on that Cold December night in 2010, but as the Kick Returner! Does my Joe Webb story have a point? No, not really, but I do hear people say, "One day I'll tell my kids about this or that." When I look back on the career of Joe Webb, I think to myself; "One day I'll tell my kids the story of a man who took over after Brett Favre, triumphed over playoff teams, lost a tough one in Green Bay, and eventually persevered to reached the ultimate pinnacle in American sports... just to return kicks"

Commish says: That game torpedoed VERY real BFIG dreams! Imagine if you were on the Eagles with the BFIG title belt on the line... and Joe Webb?!

Brian DiMenna (Panthers): "This God damn pool is so difficult because the entire offseason business model of the NFL is designed to make it so God damn difficult and terrifying.
Me: "Oh, I know, I'll pick against the Jags, they always stink."
NFL commentariat: "Sure about that, Bortles may be ready to make the leap, and Yeldon could be a powerhouse. They've revamped their defense, installed a new scheme and this could be their year!"
Me: Gulp...well, then I'll pick against Oakland, they're terrible."
Commentariat: Really? Carr to Cooper may take over the league"
Me: Bucs?
C: Famous Jameis baby!
Me: Eagles?
C: Did you see Wentz's debut, he's the real deal!!!
Me: Titans?
C: Maybe, but Mariota, Murray? Scares me!
Me (curled in fetal position): Eeany, meany, miney, moe, catch a team by the..."

King Banaian (Panthers): "There will be at least one illegal hit on Cam Newton in this game. The penalty will be forcing Colin Kaepernick to watch a Ted Nugent concert. "

Chris Boland (Panthers): "Cam Newton defies gravity. His last name is Newton. Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity. Gravity by John Mayer is one of the best songs performed live I've ever seen. John Mayer dated Jennifer Aniston. I love Jennifer Aniston, going Panthers."

Nicholas Nino (Panthers): "Per George Dub-Ya, 'There's an old saying in Tennessee .. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennesse .." that says, fool me once, shame on .. shame on you. Fool me .. you can't get fooled again.' Taking those wise words in consideration, I'm rolling with the Panthers. The San Francisco 49ers are not as good as they pretended to be on Monday. Case in point, last year. They won 20-3 against a evolving defense that is the Vikings in week 1. Then the following week they got blown away by the Steelers who were just coming off a bad loss to the Patriots. I'm guessing the same scenario will happen once again this week as the Panthers come off a tough loss and will show the 49ers are a fraud and put them in their rightful place. If I recall correctly there weren't too many people who picked the Steelers in week 2 last year due to the 9ers week 1 performance. I will not sit and let this stand another year. (Nor will I kneel)."

Bob Kroehler (Panthers): "Going with the lay-up this week. I thought about going with the Motor City Kitties but picking the Lions to win with money on the line is how you end up living under a bridge. So, I'll go with the better Kitties and pick the Panthers. "

Courtland Olson (Panthers): "San Francisco is 1-0 but should count as .5-0 considering they played the Rams. Any NFL team who beats a Jeff Fisher team ought to only get credit for 1/2 a win. Carolina played well enough to almost beat a Denver team on the road so I feel like a home opener against Blaine Gabbert is good enough for me."

Brad Robbins (Panthers): "Because I know everyone else and their mother (if she's BFIG material) will be on the Panthers in an anger win for their home opener and the Conformity inspirational poster on Barney Stinson's office wall has always resonated with me. Except for the part where a supposedly successful businessman has a poster on his office wall. Obviously that's just absurd. "

Trace Sheehan (Panthers): "The opposite of a bold choice. But like the wimpy cavemen who stayed in the cave, didn't get eaten by dinosaurs or destroyed to smithereens by comets, and thus became our ancestors, I will survive and advance. #OTSS #OnlyTheSmartSurvive"

Ricky wiget (Panthers): "official BFIG 49ers fan here. BACKGROUND: a jersey kid who fell in love with Jerry Rice like everyone else, been rooting for them ever since. Unfortunately, I was born 5 years after their last SB- so i've only known failure. Sure we've been close. I'm talking about Kaepernick (please no hate mail for mentioning him) missing three consecutive fades to Crabtree from the seven yard line close. That's f***ing Glen Close. I guess you can say it's a fatal attraction (bang!) We've fallen from the football heavens. The higher-ups forced out one of the winningest, khaki-est, coaches the bay area has ever seen, half the defense retired, and our FB beat the shit out of 70 year old man and his son with said old man's cane. Things are looking down. We're a lock for a last place in the division and, as fans, we all know it's lonely at the bottom. In addition, ONE is the loneliest number. TANK-O-PALOZZA 2016, BABY! Deshaun Watson of the Clemson Tigers looks like the perfect QB for the Chip Kelly offense. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though. One game at a time. Let's go 0-1 every week, guys. We really shot ourselves in the foot by winning Week 1, but theres still plenty of time for suck. KEEP SUCKING, boys."

Nick Granuzzo (Panthers): "I want what the 96% of us want, but were unable to achieve last year...I want to survive week 2! I have little doubt that this week will invoke the Majority Pick Rule, and much like last year it will be on an 0-1 team. While this is only my second year in BFIG, I do remember (and by I remember I mean I re-read the Commish warning email from almost a year ago) that the majority picks have resulted in a 20-3 record. If my math checks, that record should now be 20 and a very significant 4. Regardless, those odds are two good to pass up... So here's rooting for Cam to right the ship, me doubling my BFIG win total from a year ago, and for 50% of the BFIG pool surviving into week 3."

Dylan Spiro (Panthers): "The last time Blaine Gabbert won back to back games as a starter the experts were talking about Aaron Hernandez as the future of the patriots. If your thinking wow he's been in the league that long your right he hasn't the last time he had back to back wins was in college at Missouri in 2010 while the quarterback on the other side was winning a Heisman and a national championship. No way this guy can travel to the east coast and win back to back games for the first time in his nfl career."

David Kimber (Panthers): "I'm a Ravens fan. And they have a matchup against a Browns team that would struggle to go .500 in the Arena Football League. So seems like an easy pick right? But I read a stat that said that while the Browns are 1-17 in recent season openers, they are 8-9 in Week 2. They also have the incredible Josh McCown starting, who once injured his throwing hand holding firewood for his brother to chop, played for the Hartford Colonials 5 years ago, and went 1-7 last year. But his 1 victory last year? Yep, against the Ravens. That game just has "Eliminate 25% of the Survivor Pool" written all over it. In conclusion, I'm going to be a little bitch and pick the Panthers."

Hayden English (Panthers): "Cameron, like Isaac, does his best work after being hit in the head."

Jim Burke (Panthers): "I WILL MAKE IT PAST WEEK TWO AND NO I DID NOT DOUBT THAT AT ALL WHEN THE CHARGERS WERE BEATING THE CHIEFS BY 21 WITH 4 MINUTES TO GO IN THE 3RD LAST WEEK. I WILL MAKE IT PAST WEEK TWO AND NO I DID NOT DOUBT THAT AT ALL WHEN THE CHARGERS WERE BEATING THE CHIEFS BY 21 WITH 4 MINUTES TO GO IN THE 3RD LAST WEEK. I WILL MAKE IT PAST WEEK TWO AND NO I DID NOT DOUBT THAT AT ALL WHEN THE CHARGERS WERE BEATING THE CHIEFS BY 21 WITH 4 MINUTES TO GO IN THE 3RD LAST WEEK."

Austin Marshall (Panthers): "I feel like I'm taking an out by picking a 10+ point spread two consecutive weeks in a row, almost like I am just kneeling down. But isn't that what the pioneers of BFIG fought for? The right to pick whoever I want each week, regardless of the margin of their spread or their questionable off field morally unjust antics? Damn right they did and I'll pick whoever I want, unless I have picked that team in a subsequent week or Cleveland, that would just be dumb."

Amy Ross (Panthers): "This is a recipe for disaster for Chip Kelly's 49ers team... coming off a short week, playing against an angry Carolina team that does not want to start 0-2. Plus Colin... How do you know your NFL career is a goner??
A) Your throwing arm is torn off in a shark attack in San Fran Bay
B) You look into the sun too long and burn your retinas
C) You are benched for Blaine Gabbert
'Nough said, Mr. K."

Casey Reimers (Panthers): "We're gonna keep it simple this week with 1 on 1 matchups:
Cam > Blaine
Hyde > Stewart (not by much and this easily flips if we include Cam in the running game)
Kelvin > any SF receiver
Olsen > Vance McDonald (full name for the 94% of ppl that don't know him)
Carolina D > San Francisco D, Bowman can't do it all himself.
Then if you want to put it to an even simpler 1 on 1 matchup, I'll take a wild jungle cat over a gold panning alcoholic trying to strike it rich without do any real work any day. Unless you watch Gold Rush... that show is amazing and somehow that little shit Parker always gets shit done. But regardless, a panther would mall that old guy's fat ass in much more entertaining fashion than this game will be."

Kyle Stern (Panthers): "Even after 5 shots of fireball and 7 bud lights I couldn't convince myself to take Baltimore. Here is to being safe rather than sorry. And everyone thinks I'm a irresponsible drinker, A toast to tomorrow's hangover!"

Commish says: This is not a drinking league. This is not a drinking league. WAY TO GO, KYLE! This is not a drinking league.

Michelle Single (Panthers): "Because I'm a team player and the rest of my coworkers are picking Carolina, because I'm hopped up on 2 handfuls of M&M's (peanut), and because I refuse to give my final rose to the Forty-Niners.... yet."

Bryan Okerlund (Panthers): "Since my pick was published last week, and the Commish probably practices some sort of equal-opportunity baloney, there's zero chance this one makes it into the email, too... just about the same odds I have of getting a date with the cute girl who wears tie-dye yoga pants in my Zumba class."

Commish says: BALONEY THIS, OKERLUND. Also, please talk tto tie-dye yoga pants Zumba girl and report back next week or I'M NEVER PUBLISHING YOUR COMMENTS AGAIN. Kthx.

Christian Edwards (Patriots): "The scores from the last four regular season MIA@NE games: 36-7, 41-13, 27-17, 28-0. You play to win the home division game."

Adam Shiltz (Raiders): "When I think about the Raiders, I often think about Derek Carr. Then I think about Brett Favre...because anytime I see the #4 on a football player Mister Favre comes to mind. I then think about the horrible things Mike Vick did against the Packers in the playoffs.....Which is why this pick scares the shit out of me."

Commish says: Playoff games against running quarterbacks = Packers fan PTSD.

Dan Broder (Ravens): "My dad grew up in Cleveland, and I grew up in DC. This past weekend, we experienced a true father-son bonding moment. Now we both know what it feels like to get your hopes up, juuuuust enough, at Robert Griffin III's potential to lift your franchise from the pits of despair only to watch the guy suffer another devastating injury that was 100% his own doing. Thanks, RG3 - your inability to stay healthy and be a competent NFL QB has brought one family closer together."

Britt Haugland (Ravens): "Did you know that the Cuyahoga River that runs through Cleveland is known as "the river that caught fire". Since 1868, at least 13 fires have been reported on the river. If your City's rivers are catching fire, it's probably safe to say that your football team is going to lose to the FLACCOBROW. Makes sense, right Commish?? RIGHT???"

Kristina Looper (Ravens): "I bet RGIII has learned his lessons from Washington. I bet he's worked on sliding and making smart decisions while running. His career depends on it, why wouldn't he do that? Look, he even slid during the preseason. He's got a future in Cleveland! And then, Week 1, he goes and does exactly NOT that. And I remembered, that while some things in the NFL are unpredictable, there are a few constants: RGIII makes bad choices, and Cleveland makes its fans sad. Keep chugging on, Factory of Sadness."

Adam O'Brien (Ravens): "14 of the Browns' 2016 draft picks made the active roster. That's not a sign of drafting well (what a novel concept that would be for the Browns). It's a sign that they are so devoid of talent that pretty much whoever they draft will make the roster. It's the NFL equivalent of a participation ribbon. "

John Stanley (Seahawks): "The Rams are truly "deplorable." The Hawks didn't look great but could party all night with Charlie Sheen drinking tiger blood and still wake up in time to beat the Rams without a problem."

James McCoy (Lions): "Jim Bob Cooter is an offensive genius and he's bring the Super Bowl to the D! #CooterCrew"

Commish says: Please tell me this is a real hashtag.

Steven Bristol (Chargers): "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino...elephino...so I picked the Chargers."

Commish says: True story: My dad told this joke for years when I was growing up. I laughed at it. But today was the first day I actually got the joke.

Michael Robinson (Broncos): "As a chargers fan this denver pick hurts, because f*** the broncos. But i dont hate winning money. Also christopher broglie's mom is a good lay, i hope that makes it in the email."

Commish says: Hi, Chris!

Greg Voytko (Cardinals): "You don't read all 4,000 comments. If you do, you're crazy."

Commish says: Hi, Greg!

Daniel Canton (Panthers): "Did you really go through and read 4,000+ comments for week 1?!?!?!"

Commish says: Hi, Daniel!

Rob Winter (Panthers): "What do the 49ers have in common with a bottle of beer? They're both empty... From the neck up."

Commish says: We're getting close...

Dylan Matanzo (Panthers): "Because Cam was knocked into next week against the Broncos and it is now next week."

Commish says: Annnnnd that'll do it for this week.

Good luck, everyone!