Friends in football,

Commish has let this one slide for too long.

On the heels of somehow falling behind the Colts - a not-good football team missing its best player and employing an unsuccessful high school coach as its head coach - 33-0 at halftime... and then completing the biggest comeback in NFL history to win 39-36...

It's time to talk about this Minnesota Vikings season.

 

WEEK 15 PICKS

• WeeWoo Pick'em
  • Summary | Weekly Standings
• FitzMagic Survivor
  • Summary | Weekly Standings | Golden Spreadsheet
• BFIG
  • Ended in Week 14
• Your group picks (get in a group with friends!)

 

The Vikings are now 11-3 and they clinched the NFC North title with three games to spare.

They have arguably the NFL's best receiver (Justin Jefferson) and best receiving corps (JJ, Adam Thielen, KJ Osborn), a top 5 running back (Dalvin Cook), a big weapon at TE (TJ Hockenson), an elite edge rusher (Za'Darius Smith), and an elite hospital spokesperson (Kirk Cousins).

But are the Vikings good?

Commish is NOT trolling the large number of Vikings fans on The SZN. I'm simply repeating what so many of you say on your own. Minnesota sports talk radio is a treasure trove of SNL material right now.

Never has an 11-3 team inspired so much angst, consternation, and doubt as this Vikings team.

It all feels like a cruel joke by the football gods. Because to truly know NFL history is to know Minnesota Vikings fan misery.

Vikings fans are likely the most "don't get excited don't get excited don't... I AM VERY EXCITED IT'S ALL HAPPENING!... motherf***er why do I watch football why do I like this team I hate life don't @ me I'm crawling into bed" fans in the NFL.

Commish once gave out a weekly "Most Vikings Fan Comment of the Week" award because the air of expectant misery was so strong even when nothing seemed out of place.

Why are Vikings fans like this?

Because the Vikings have a STRONG claim to "best franchise in American pro sports history without a championship".

Four Super Bowl appearances. Four losses.

A 15-1 season with one of the best offenses to ever grace the NFL (Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Randall Cunningham, Robert Smith) and a kicker that literally did not miss all year... until he missed the game-winner in the NFC title game.

A Brett Favre storybook season where all they needed was a field goal to advance to the Super Bowl... and Favre instead threw a pick.

A kicker somehow BADLY missing a 27-yard field goal to win a 2015 playoff game.

And now an 11-3 season with a clear path to the NFC's 2-seed... where seemingly few Vikings fans want to even allow themselves to believe their team is good.

The Vikings are 10-0 in games decided by one score. That's already an NFL record and we have three weeks to go. They won a game when trailing by 33 points at halftime (Colts). They won a game when the last 2,000 teams in the same exact position had lost (Bills). They've scored in the final minute of regulation FIVE times to tie or take the lead (and won all five).

But did I mention they have WON all of those games? Last time I checked, being able to win games is what actually matters.

For YEARS, the Packers outperformed the league average in one score games (the statheads will tell you, over the long haul, it's a crapshoot and teams will win 50% of such games) and it eventually was accepted that Aaron Rodgers probably makes a difference in these situations.

Maybe... just maybe... the Vikings do something or have something that powers these close victories.

Now, whether Vikings fans should get excited about this year... Commish knows better than to answer that question.

 

PICK STATS

 

WeeWoo Pick'em

• Poor Texans. We picked against them at a WeeWoo-record 98.8% clip last week. They almost sprung the upset of the year on the Cowboys...
• ... and we rewarded them by picking against Houston at a 98.7% clip this week
• The Chiefs are good, yes. The Texans are bad, yes. But for what it's worth, FiveThirtyEight says KC has only an 88% likelihood of winning
• "Only 88%" - a phrase you'll probably only hear as it relates to the Texans
• We've picked up 826 WeeWoo wins this year by correctly picking Houston. The next lowest is the Bears at... 9,805Just before halftime, the Cowboys are losing 17-14 to the Texans, by the way
• That's right. Our second worst WeeWoo team by win count has more than TEN TIMES the number of WeeWoo wins as the Texans
• The Eagles have accounted for 96,235 wins, for comparison
• The rest of our top picks: Eagles (95%, at Bears), Vikings (93%, vs. Colts), Bills (91%, vs. Dolphins), Packers (86%, vs. Rams)
• HOW DID THE PACKERS GET IN THIS LIST
• Our toss-ups: Panthers-Steelers (64/36), Lions-Jets (59/41), Browns-Ravens (55/45), Pats-Raiders (50.1/49.9)
• Just 8 picks separated the Pats from the Raiders - our most closely picked game of 2022 so far
• Feels like a perfect game for the Raiders to go up big early, and then lose for the fourth time this year when having led by at least 17 points

 

FitzMagic Survivor

• We're down to our final 7, each making two picks
• Six are on the Packers, hosting the Baker Mayfields
• Commish gets we're deep into the year and people don't have many good teams left... but have we forgotten how hapless the Packers have been for large stretches of this year?
• All seven had Green Bay available, so one person (@Browns13) decided to steer clear
• @Browns13 took the Broncos and Commanders instead
• The rest of our picks: Three on Commanders (vs. Giants), two on Broncos (vs. Cards), and one each on the Chiefs (at Texans), Chargers (vs. Titans), and Eagles (at Bears)
• That Eagles pick and that Chiefs pick were the last available picks for those teams. Using the big guns and hoping for chaos around you!
• A full 13 teams are now totally picked out by our 7 survivors. The remaining set of 19 teams contains zero Super Bowl contenders.

 

WEEKLY AWARDS

 

Commish Communication Award
Our best weekly comment (or three)

@HaveYouCheckedYourButthole (Weekly Woodson Pick'em):
"'twas the night before xmas, when all through the land
not a creature was stirring, except @suckitspanos lotioned hand
He was recalling his weewoo picks from the hour before,
Wishing he was the man from Nantucket, of yester lore
While he drifted to sleep with dreams of 16-0,
he awoke to his wins being none other than zero
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Comet, on Cupid,
he couldn't believe that he had been so stupid
The birds beat the broncos, and the jags lassoed the boys,
how could 2 of his 8 favorite teams lose without a noise
So while he searches and searches for the answers to make him whole,
just remember that secret place, have you checked your butthole?
Although, if you see @suckitspanos out on town, please do be kind,
cause talking shit is my passion and i'm living rent free in his mind... "
Commish says: ASK NOT whether this is a legit Christmas Eve poem, but rather how long until this becomes THE canonical Christmas poem for all of mankind. @Suckitspanos is set to become the biggest Christmas heel since those guys who tried to melt Frosty. His pain will be known throughout all the snow covered lands. WE NEED AN ILLUSTRATOR STAT.

 

"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
Most convincing comment. (When BFIG began in 2009, the Bengals were AWFUL.)

@ekahn93 (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "As someone who only really started celebrating Christmas like 3 years ago, i understand the hype. It's jolly, everyone is happy and giving, and you get to pretend to spill wine on your pants so you have an excuse to change into sweatpants after your 4th plate of dinner. Christmas presents > Hanukkah presents. I don't think anyone is arguing this. I've been told you can ask Santa for something and he brings it to you. So I'm asking Santa because I know he reads these, please please please stop letting the Cowboys win. I'd take the Cowboys losing out the rest of the year over the 6 pairs of socks and the "don't talk to me until I've had my coffee" mug that's inevitably coming to me. I'm sacrificing my own gifts for the greater good of the NFL. Not to brag but that's really big of me."
Commish says: Forget selling Bengals tickets, you're selling the whole Christmas holiday. And you're crushing it. But why are we dissing Hanukkah presents? Presents are presents. Would the Colts turn down pick-6 and punt block TD gifts? Would they turn down the present of a gifted 33-0 halftime lead? WAIT DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION. MATT RYAN'S KIDS ARE LISTENING AND THEY STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA.

 

Definitely Not Concussed Award
The spiciest/wildest take.

@michelemammen (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Brock Purdy will throw three touchdowns and lead the Niners to the NFC West title!"
Commish says: A three TD prediction for Mr. Irrelevant! HE GOT TWO. His parents predicted one. Your Purdy faith knows no bounds!

 

 

MORE COMMENTS

@Keiffapro (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Who’s the coach of Colts? What day do the Vikings v Colts play? What’s Elton John’s favorite at day of the week?! Saturday! Saturday! Saturday (afternoon’s) alright alriiiiight!"
Commish says: Caaaannnnn you feeellll the Luuuuuuck toniiiiight? I'm sorry Colts fans. I had to.

 

@BigFurryWookiee (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Seems about the right time of year for a Dallas collapse."
Commish says: Haaaave you met Mike McCarthy?! Also, question for you, BigFurryWookiee: Are there any Wookiees that are small or hairless? Like, isn't it a given the wookie is big and furry? Let's get philosophical.

 

@kbanaian (QB: Mahomes): "Patrick, I've been saving you for now!"
Commish says: [Patrick: I just live my life every day aiming to be as bold as you, @kbanaian]

 

@Johnson67 (QB: Cousins): "Kirk is unchained VS. the horses, and rides high to the top!!!"
Commish says: [Halftime at US Bank Stadium in Minneapolis] [Vikings trailing 33-0] [GIANT GONG SOUND] [Guy in Viking hat steps onto midfield] "Are you ready for KIRK UNCHAINED?!?!?!?"

 

@LAhomer88 (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "‘Tis the season for ridiculously cold football weather. Maybe it’s because I live in LA, but I would fake pink eye to get out of playing in freezing temps in Buffalo or Green Bay. Build some damn domes already. The stadium in LA is partially covered even when it’s 80 degrees!"
Commish says: You'd fake pink eye to avoid Lambeau, and literally tens of thousands of Packers fans would donate a kidney to secure season tickets.

 

@YesThereIsAnS (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "can we predict another tie for my G-Men v. Commanders? I feel like this is inevitable."
Commish says: Hey GM, did you hear that? HEY GM, THE PEOPLE WANT TO PICK FOOTBALL TIES. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!!!

 

@gfears805 (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Happy holidays to all players and the Commish! I know last week was the worst week ever, too many upsets, including my team! If my Vikes screw it up Saturday I’m going to start pulling hair out!! C’mon guys!!"
Commish says: Does anyone know @gfears805? Can we please get a health check on @gfears805 after that Vikings game? DOES ANYONE HERE MAKE WIGS AND CAN THEY BE PURPLE

 

@Shaggybrak (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "I made gooey chocolate squares with butter, sweetened condensed milk, chocolate chips and caramel for our company holiday party. They were mix of smoky caramel, sweet chocolate, and crisped brownie edges. They were much better than my boss's one note sandwich cookie (so called) 'treats'. Am I trying to start a fight between myself and my boss? No. First of all it was unquestionable which treat was best: no fight. And secondly, the idea I would actually be starting a fight with someone I've been at odds with since day one is unfathomable since we've not stopped fighting. No. I'm bringing up holiday party treats to inform the powers that be at SZN that you, in fact, should have been gifted the opportunity to eat the German Chocolate Squares. Whether I was picking taters during the MLB competitions, trying to find a Varner in the rough during the Golf competitions, or conjuring an edge for the Swami predictions my days have been most productively used on the clock trying out the various fun facets of fantasy life at SZN. Therefore my office holiday party should have been properly spent singing jingles, answering inane Christmas trivia (did you know that Mickey Rooney was Santa's voice in 4 Rankin/Bass racist Christmas movies?), and eating sugar cookies pretending to not notice the CEO has broccoli in her teeth. I've sent a package of the squares to The SZN; but I had to guess the address."
Commish says: Wait, why didn't you ask us for SZN Headquarters address??? WE'D GET DOWN ON SOME GOOEY SQUARES. But I'm thinking you need to extend an olive (or perhaps broccoli) branch to your boss. Does she like fun? Does she like sports? GET HER IN THE POOL!!!

 

@LeviLeo (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’"
Commish says: I'll tell you what happened at 9:30, the guy leaving the office without a job. But damn, between this and @Shaggybrak, we're really unleashing our vitriol on upper management this week. Commish is now wondering how Team SZN really feels about him

 

@rnorwood (QB: M. Jones): "Guys get in the stupidest of arguments and will absolutely “die on the hill” defending their position, rational or not. My latest… whether a submarine whilst submerged is considered “underwater” or “in the water.” Think about that for a minute and get back to me. Speaking of underwater, my Brocket Launcher prospects are dodgy at best this week."
Commish says: At first I started answering this question merrily. Like, if it's fully submerged it's clearly under the water, and if it's just floating above, that's in the water. But then it hit me. Are you saying it can be BOTH? BRB in 10 years once I sort this out.

 

@Nawlinssaints (Loser: Seahawks, Bears): "Down to the final two in Loser Survivor; I would be honored to be called “the biggest loser”. Five large would also be an honor…
Commish says: Does a Loser Survivor champion wear a brown grocery bag? A jewel-encrusted brown grocery bag? How swaggy can we make a brown grocery bag?!?

 

@DEVOboy (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Baker is the NFL M. V. P. !!!"
Commish says:  and gentlemen, we have found Baker Mayfield's burner account.

 

@kempsoos (Swami: Commanders): "Is it me or have there been a lot of 27s lately? I keep getting older they stay the same age."
Commish says: SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON DAZED AND KEMPSOOS

 

@CooperT6 (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Remember that scene in Jaws where the shark eats the little kid and he’s flailing around in the water as blood gushes out of his body like a fire hydrant knocked off its axis? (Sigh) I don’t really know where I’m going with that…"
Commish says: WHEN PICKING FOOTBALL GAMES, YOU'RE EITHER THE SHARK OR THE BOY!!!!

 

@Davbutter (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "These picks gave me a tingle!"
Commish says: WE'RE ALL FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY!!!

 

@susiec212 (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "What's up with all the injuries? I think is contagious, I am having knee surgery on January "
Commish says: SUSIE IS YOUR REAL NAME ODELL?

 

@doctorbong (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Rodgers outplayed by Baker Mayfield??"
Commish says: JOR-DAN LOVE. JOR-DAN LOVE!

 

@BPBOTT (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "I’m thinking the packers are looking like the last wildcard team"
Commish says: ONLY IF THEY START JORDAN LOVE

 

@BigJake08 (Weekly Woodson Pick'em): "Let Brett Rypien cook!!! sorry Russ."
Commish says: THIS IS A REAL COMMENT IN THE 2022 NFL.

 

 

Yours in football,
The Commish