Red Rifle Disciples,

Making it to BFIG Week 5 - surviving beyond the Second Chance Pool's start - is a coming of age moment.

Washing your childhood idol's jersey for the first time. Kicking open your high school doors on the first day of sophomore year. Napoleon dancing on that damn stage. Cracking open your first BLL. Every scene from American Pie. No longer crying after every basketball game you lose.

Was that last one just Commish? Really? No one else?

870 of you have already made it, thanks to the Bengals' Thursday night romp. Today and tomorrow, more than 1300 of you hope to boldly go where no Commish has gone in the past six years: Week 5 of THE NFL (Brett Favre Isn't Gonna) Survivor Pool.

(Survival )godspeed, my friends. May the picks be with you. Can't touch this. HOOAH.

See your friends' picks and comments, as well as the full spreadsheet of picks, on the BFIG main page:

WEEK 4 FAST FACTS

• The Bengals were our top pick, garnering 39% of all picks. That's our lowest top pick so far this year (Seattle, in Week 1, had 40% of picks).
• In what has to be a BFIG record, 582 of you picked the Bengals to beat the Dolphins one week after picking the Dolphins over the Browns. This accounted for 67% of all Cincinnati picks. More on this in the pick comments below.
• Our second-most picked team, the Washington Dumpster Fire, pulled in 21% of our picks. For a team that more or less hadn't been picked at all in the season's first three weeks (3, 9, and 0 picks) and compiled a 1-2 record in the process, 21% has to be an all-time historical pick haul. We realllllly love fading the Browns.
• The Browns have been picked against 2,724 times through four weeks. That's 22 percent of all our picks to date. The Bears, with the NFL's worst plus/minus and arguably the worst blink test, have been picked against 1,037 times (8.4%). What gives, people?!
• A full 32 percent of all picks through four weeks have involved the Dolphins. With their loss Thursday, the Dolphins have produced the desired survivor result each week. Clearly, Miami is the early favorite to take home the coveted Best Survival Team Award at year's end.
• Our top three picks accounted for 79 percent of all Week 4 picks - our most concentratd week yet. There's a clear trend with our top three picks percentage: 70%, 72%, 78%, 79%.
• Christopher Welch (welchiz) and Robert Dowd (rtdowd90) have picked out the NFC East, going PHI-NYG-DAL-WAS so far. That is some impressive work, guys.
• Twelve people that went KC-BAL-MIA (20-pt comeback, 20-pt comeback, Browns Brownsing) in the first three weeks decided to pick the Dumpster Fire this week. Who are you people and where did you inherit your pain tolerance from?
• Our most popular pick line so far? SEA-CAR-MIA-CIN. 195 people are through to Week 5 on this line.
• Win probabilities coming soon, once you crazy people stop picking 20+ teams/week.

Commish Communication Award

First, we have Courtland Olson (colson) for somehow managing to give us both comfort and nightmares in describing wy he's picking the Dumpster Fire:

"I'm sick over this. I dodged the Browns last week and feel absolutely horrible going on a second date with them this week. And by second date I mean 'They're just standing outside my bedroom window watching me undress myself while they gently caress their earlobe.' That's the Browns if they were a human."

Second, we have Zak Haviland (zhaviland), for both continuing the nightmare theme in accurately laying out why many of you avoided picking Washington and also reminding us that Washington literally asked us to call them the Dumpster Fire:

"Every instinct I have told me to pick the Redskins this week. Dumpster Fire, literal dumpster foolishness... I didn't care. They are home against Cleveland. I can't imagine another scenario in which I'd ever use them, I'd be saving my "better" bets... Do it, Zak! Do it! ... **Cue to a TV Commercial** JJ Watt. Chopping wood alone in a forest ... It was a moment of clarity. Zen. Truth. I almost just allowed myself the opportunity to get knocked out of my favorite pool BY THE REDSKINS. THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS. Commish - I gotta get my life together. Go to the gym, take a ceramics class, learn some knife skills, I don't know. If my instincts were screaming "Washington," what other mistakes have I already made? What wrongs can't be righted? Can I ever even know, as I clearly can never trust myself again? The rabbit hole is deep. And dark. So dark. Houston. Because JJ Watt splitting wood kept me from hitting bottom. Houston."

And third, we have Jake Weinrich (MayTheFavrthBeWithYou), for A) THAT USERNAME, and B) Building a new religion that everyone on the planet will want to follow:

"Per the BFIG Gods, and with a newfound dedication to Favrism (yes, I'm starting my own religion, and it's based on the state of perpetual self-uncertainty, I think. You're all welcome to join if you want. But if you don't, I get it. It's stupid. I don't know. I might not even do it.), I cannot trust the Dumpster Fire, particularly not when it has Browns in it. This week, I'm jumping on the Red Rocket, or Red Rifle, or whatever. I don't know. Do I really have to click submit?"

"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award

It's only fitting that on a day where we celebrate a Bengals victory, we hand this award to a Canadian man who saw that victory coming. Take it away, Alex Dehn (Thecanadianhero):

"My checklist to somehow trusting Andy 'Red Rocket' Dalton and friends:

1. This is not the playoffs or the Steelers.
2. Burfict looking to pick up where he left off on his 'no scope headshotz' count.
3. The Dolphins traveling on a short week after a slugfest with the mighty Browns.
4. Andy Dalton could throw with his left hand and AJ Green would still catch it.
5. Finally, to lend support to Andy Dalton in overcoming the stereotypes that redheads are real people and can play professional sports too."

Definitely Not Concussed Award

The Bengals are the Timberwolves! Thanks to Alex Coles (alexcoles), it all makes so much sense now. Which one is Tom Gugliotta? WHICH ONE?

"In honor of Kevin Garnett retiring this week, I'm picking the Bengals. Garnett and the T-Wolves were good enough to make the playoffs every year from 1996-2004, and they lost in the first round every year except one. He is the NFL equivalent of the Bengals, with 5 straight playoff losses. I just don't know which Bengal is Stephon Marbury, maybe Pacman Jones? Do I have what it takes to take the BFIG crown this year? In the words of Da Kid, 'ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!'"

And second, this week's best video submission goes to Ky Ryder (kyryder). Admittedly, Commish never knew this Cincy vs. Cleveland moment happened. It's glorious:

"As much as I hate Cincinnati, I'm picking them to topple Miami. Dating back to Sam Wyche's infamous "You don't live in Cleveland" when in fact I DID live in Cleveland at the time, I hate entrusting my survivor life to the orange kitties on a short week, but hey, if they burn me I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix in the 2nd chance pool... yay!"

THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'

Rob Norwood (rnorwood) - Broncos: "I find that BFIG keeps me awake at night. But instead of divining clarity on my picks in the wee hours, I come up with completely unrelated marketing ideas. For example, wouldn't a holiday gift drive be boosted considerably in the male demographics by making a simple change to "Toys for Tits"? I also think that I'm going to start deep-frying Tums and Rolaids at county fairs. (Anyone takes that one, and you'll feel the back of my pimp hand, maternal parent copulators.) As for my pick, two things are certain to happen this season: One, sooner or later with nothing to lose the Browns will indeed win; Two, Trevor Siemian will have a meltdown as new starters at QB inevitably do. I'm just hoping it's not this week."

(Rob's companion in BFIG absurdity, Paige, was Garoppolo'd out of the title pool in Week 1. We eagerly await her Week 5 return - NEXT WEEK! - in the Second Chance Pool.)

CINCINNATI WON. HARAMBE WON. BRYAN HARRIS THOUGHT WE'D ALL FORGET, BUT NOPE

Jacob Spiro (jakespiro11) - Bengals: "The Bengals will be unveiling their new uniforms tonight that they exhibited at the Cincinnati Zoo. The same Zoo where Harambe was killed. Lets do this for Harambe."

Tyler Boland (Tylandboler) - Bengals: "Harambe would beat the shit out of a Dolphin if he were still with us.This game is for you. #RIP "

Nick Ferdon (nferdon) - Redskins: "If the Browns are Harambe, then the Redskins are Bryan Harris - because they are going to kill Cleveland this week."

Georgia Trakinat (georgiatrakinat) - Cardinals: "I forgot I hadn't picked them. Hopefully they don't poo the bed like last week. PS I'm Bryan Harris's girlfriend and I can confirm he did kill Harambe."

Commish says: *Gasp.* It's taking every ounce of restraint in my cheesehead to let you continue playing in the pool, Bryan. Do not think we will all go quietly in to the night.

MORE PICK COMMENTS

Andy Terhaar (TheAmazingRace) - Bengals: "The most notable accomplishment for the Dolphins in the past 25 years was launching Jim Carrey's career."

Commish says: *So* many Ace Ventura references the past few weeks, but Andy wins with something so succinct it's painful for Miami fans... because they know it's true.

John Fillmore (johnfillmore) - Cardinals: "My son Jack is 2. He potty trained pretty early and has been running around in underwear basically since his birthday a few months back. Having your last kid potty trained is pretty awesome - it's an under-rated "God we god through this part of having young kids, let's open a bottle of wine." moment. But just to remind us that he's still 2, once every few weeks Jack will walk up to me for no apparent reason, smile, and say 'Daddy I'm poopy in pants.' And, sure enough, this kid who is perfectly capable of identifying his need to go to the bathroom will have dropped a disgusting deuce in his drawers (and my wife and I will race to get out of the room first rather than have to clean it up). I don't care if the Rams are 2-1. Heck, maybe they're ahead of their rebuilding plan and actually finish with a record above .400. And I don't care if the Cardinals this week looked just a little bit like 2009 Carolina when Jake Delhomme started throwing picks every 3rd series. Jeff Fisher and Case Keenum are about to walk up to the football world, smile, and take a giant crap in their britches."

Matthew Bundy (mattbundy) - Bengals: "A couple of years ago I bet on the Pro Bowl, yes the Pro Bowl, while in Vegas. I bet against Andy Dalton's team simply because of Andy Dalton. I also bet the under simply because of Andy Dalton. Yes, I won both bets. Now I stand before you with my BFIG in the very incapable hands of Andy Dalton. Oi."

Commish says: They offer lines on the Pro Bowl?! Are there lines in years where Andy Dalton is not playing?

Harrison Miller (wizardharri) - Broncos: "Von Miller, who art in Denver, hallowed be thy name. Thy win shall come, thy plays be run, on offense as it is on defense. Give us these points, our weekly bread and sack those who would sack against us. Lead me not to falling out this week, but deliver me into the next, for yours is the kingdom and the glory, forever and ever, amen."

Gary Pett (garypett) - Patriots: "Rex Ryan is the kind of question mark I stay away from. He is the least consistent coach...seriously, who loses to the Jets & Ravens but whoops the Cardinals? Add in the fact that his brother would be the ideal Thor in Donald Trump's alternate-universe version of an obese hellscape (read: "Rob eats everything, he eats so much, we have a big problem, he's yuge, you know?") and I want nothing to do with the Ryan family. But, my pick boils down to this being the Patriots at home in a season where every team is a question mark except the Bears, Lions, Browns, and Redskins who are all playing one another. Seriously, NFL schedulers, what are you trying to do, kill us?"

Owen Kinsky (owenkinsky) - Redskins: "After last week I told myself "It's not worth picking an average team against the Browns again this season." Then it dawned on me...this is precisely the week to take that risk again. I lose this week? I get more BFIG survival right away again next week. And let's be honest, there are no other good weeks to pick the Contenedor de Fuego again this season. So its Browns lose or bust in week 4 for me. And I surprisingly don't feel too bad about it, since that second chance pool is right there as a nice safety net if Washington decides to stoke that fire again this week."

Commish says: The Contendedor de Fuego!!!

Christopher Welch (welchiz) - Redskins: "Achievement Unlocked: NFC East"

Commish says: NOT SO FAST, Welch. The Dumpster Fire needs to win, right? Or maybe not? Is this a once-in-a-lifetime achievement regardless? If Washington loses, can you commit to unlocking the AFC South achievement in the Second Chance Pool? I might commission a statue for you if you do that.

Rob Lanzer (Rlanzer8) - Redskins: "I haven't picked against the Browns yet and I want in on the camaraderie."

Commish says: The SZN: Bud Light Lime, pick comments written while drunk on Bud Light Lime, and sheer terror every week. Join the fun!

Jun Chun (JamarcusLamar) - Redskins: "This week's lesson comes from the field of physics and mathematics, where there is a known physical phenomenon called Brownian motion which describes the random motion of a particle suspended in a gas or liquid resulting from the unpredictable collisions with the fast-moving atoms in the gas or fluid. For the layperson, this phenomenon can be best understood by the effect of air particles on the trajectory of Cody Parkey's three missed field goals last week (here). Or, if you were like me and picked the Dolphins, could maybe better relate this to a mapping of your heart rate during the game (here). This is not the first time the Browns have exhibited Brownian motion. You don't have to look far to find a slew of examples. You can even go back to 1958 when a prolific Jim Brown led the team to a snowy and windy Eastern conference title game but lost again due to a missed field goal by Pat Summerall, may he rest in peace. On the other hand, we have the Redskins, the model of consistency. As evidence, I point no further than this thorough, data driven analysis of Kirk Cousin's consistency (here). And what is stronger than the power of love? QED."

Britt Haugland (TebowPlaysBaseballNow) - Steelers: "Week 4 of City Facts with Britt: There are literally no fun facts about Kansas City or Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is famous for inventing the Ferris Wheel (dumbest f*cking ride at any respectable fair). And all I've found is that Kansas City is called the Paris of Plains because it has so many boulevards, which just confirms how stupid everyone is that lives in Kansas City. The only cool thing was that Kansas City ignored Prohibition in the 1920s so they had like a bunch of brothels and boozy jazz clubs and sh*t. That's probably where Alex Smith was born. Here's hoping Big Ben doesn't inappropriately touch anyone between now and Sunday and they manage to somehow score more than 3 points. F*** it. I hate Week 4."

Commish says: Britt, we need to get you a TV show. "City Facts with Britt" could be the biggest hit since the original Real World vs. Road Rules Challenge. Also, there's absolutely no doubt that Alex Smith was born (conceived? born.) in a boozy jazz club.

Rob Erdman (rerdmanjr) - Steelers: "Do I think this is a good pick? Yes and no. Yes... because I think a large majority of the survivors are going to hinge their collective fate on the Dumpster Fires, and, as the Commish said early on, at some point, the Browns will win. Either the Browns prove that the Commish is the second-coming of Nostradamus, and they put it all together this week, which is entirely possible looking at how they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory against the Ravens and Dolphins in consecutive weeks, paired with Terrelle Pryor's belief that they can win out.... or... they... Browns like they always Browns. Here's to rooting for the former. No... because I feel like Week 4 is a lot like running a meth lab. If you've made it this far, you've been successful for the better part of a month (notwithstanding the fact that you picked KC in Week 1; and MIA in Week 3), and you have just enough data and experience to feel comfortable about what you're doing... and you're feeling pretty good... which is precisely when everything blows up in your face... like that time you picked the Steelers a week after they were beaten so badly, that CBS had to switch the national game prior to the start of the 4th quarter. In the end, as a lifelong Ravens fan, I think the survivor gods will smile upon my pick given how much it turns my stomach to write the following sentence (for the first time in 35 years)... "Here we go Steelers!""

Commish says: The SZN: Just like running a meth lab! Join the fun!

Bowe Partin (bowepartin) - Steelers: "Does anyone have W-L numbers on Kool Aid Men coaching a +5 dog on the road in primetime games? Asking for a friend."

Nicky Flash (njjohnson14) - Bengals: "Ok... So... after picking KC in week 1, who had to come back by a lot; then Baltimore in Week 2, who had to come back by a lot; then Miami in week 3, who also had to come back and count on a missed field goal... I am ready for a blow out. Bengals win by 20"

Commish says: 2010 champ, Ken Sofer, won back-to-back-to-back overtime games by a field goal. That said, it was nothing like the KC-Baltimore-Miami pick line. If one of you wins, that'll set a new BFIG escape standard.

Denny Gallagher (dpgallag) - Cardinals: "This is my first year in this pool and I'm already about to invoke the Murtaugh Rule. Week 1- Chiefs. They decided to go down three scores before they made an appearance. Good thing this might be one of the one-out-of-six years Andy Reid is solid. Week 2- Ravens. They also decided to go down three scores, but to the BROWNS. Luckily, my TV is immune to getting struck by the remote. Kind of like how Donald Trump is immune to sounding intelligent or how Blake Bortles is immune to being any sort of good until down by double digits. Week 3- Dolphins, aka the Browns stain. It took all of my inner Ace Ventura mojo to survive this one. So here we go with week 4. I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

Commish says: There is only ONE person on this planet whom The Commish calls The Commish. Well, that's not true, actually. I call him DENNISH. Also, my fantasy football team is awful this year. Dennish, can we re-draft? Please?

Kristina Looper (AbbreKadabrederis) - Broncos: "My friends keep saying "Pick Washington, the Browns are the worst team in the league!" and I hear that. They're not wrong. But the problem is that would involve picking the Washington Dumpster Fire when I don't absolutely have to. The Dolphins almost stumbled their way to a loss against the Browns last week, as feared. I have every faith in the ability of the Dumpster Fire to take that stumbling one step further."

Cindy Petkac (BrianSipe) - Bengals: "As a lifelong Browns fan and season ticket holder since the Bernie Bernie days, you'd think I'd be better prepared for the "shoulda, coulda won" losses. But they still stick in my craw for days afterwards. And now I have to deal with the ever growing number of BFIGers betting against my beloved team. You do so at your own demise. I'll be chugging a 40-ouncer the day you all go down!!!"

Commish says: Cindy, you know the rule, right? If you say it and I publish it, then if the stars align you must submit video proof of it happening. (Thinking... thinking... this is gonna be fantastic. Favorite pick comment this week!)

Amanda Ross (amandalaurenross) - Bengals: "The Life of a Bengals Fan in 1000 Words or Less... Scene: January 9, 2016. The Bengals fumbled with time expiring to give Rapelisberger & Co. the ball back to win it in THE MOST DEVASTATING GAME I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED. When my boyfriend walked into the apartment that night, the scene he walked into was disturbing to say the very, very least. He found me laying on the couch, cuddling my small dog Boo, with the lights off in complete silence, but awake in my PROFOUND SORROW at watching the first Bengals playoff win in my 27 year lifetime slip away through the hands of Jeremy Hill and the uncontrollable tempers of Vontaze Not-So-Burfict, that one Steelers coach who pulled his hair, and Pacman "I haven't been to jail in at least 9 years so now I'm a team captain" Jones. Needless to say picking the Bengals today has been such not... sweet... sorrow. Please, Survivor Gods, I may not make it through this one if Bad Andy shows up. No other games made me feel even slightly more confident than this one, which is absolutely horrifying. LET'S WIN IT FOR BOO, SHE DOESN'T REALLY EVEN LIKE TO CUDDLE!!!"

Commish says: This was an outstanding window in the tortured soul of Bengals fans. Then I saw the next comment and realized we need a TV show, "Bengals games with the Rosses!"

Amy Ross (aross13) - Bengals: "I am an empty soul, devoid of anger and feelings because I have been a lifetime Bengals fan... No matter what they do I still keep coming back for more. But alas here I go, thinking and believing they will get me through week 4. Obviously a short week with a missing O line, D line but now with my favorite smasher back in Vonteze B I can see the light of week 5. My favorite ginge (besides Prince Hot Ginge Harry of England) is out to prove we may have a chance this year to go somewhere besides home in the playoffs Lets hear it for the freckles and the boyz!!! Redheads are known to have a complicated personality, and are considered a myth. There has yet to be seen a simple-natured Redheaded male. Those that I’ve met so far matched the myth.” ANDY DALTON BE THE MYTH AND BRING ME INTO WEEK 5!!!"

Commish says: BENGALS GAMES WITH THE ROSSES!!!

Tyler Jackson (dropoutfilms) - Bengals: "Commish - does the BFIG have a name for when you pick a team to win one week and then pick against them the very next week? If not, you should get on that now that you will have extra non-pick making time on your hands. (Sorry... too soon?) For your consideration and to get the idea train rolling: 1) Benedict Arnold Award of Courage; 2) Tannehill's taINT; 3) (something relevant to the 2004 election, John Kerry flip flops joke)"

Mike Rosolio (mikerosolio) - Bengals: "There should be a name for when you take a team one week and then are so horrifically snakebitten by them that you pick against them the next. I think I'm going to name it after Matt Schaub."

Commish says: The Matt Schaub!!

Dean Stephan (DeanStephan) - Bengals: "Well it's obvious! You always pick against the team that you picked the week before (Fish)!!! And because someone has Bengals season tickets, RIGHT???"

Commish says: Commish would like first-hand evidence that a SZN member holds Bengals season tickets. In return for your help with this investigative journalism, I will buy you three BLLs at the stadium and give you VIP passes to the first filming of Bengals games with the Rosses!

Matt Slovin (MattSlovin) - Bengals: "The Bengals have made the first 24 years of my life a pit of despair. They can literally do no further harm to me, not even by knocking me out of this blessed pool with a loss to the Dolphins, who needed a kicker meltdown to avoid a HOME loss to the BROWNS last week. "

Commish says: Ladies and gentlemen, Bengals fans!

Freddy Shanahan (frederickshanahan) - Bengals: "After having the pleasure of watching Miami's fine performance in detail last week, I could not be more certain that they are an utterly atrocious football team and will lose miserably. Tannehill (along with Jay Cutler) is like Milton from Office Space - a glitch in accounting is the only reason he still recieves a paycheck every week. "

Jonathan Cohen (Jets) - Bengals: "Phins almost lost to Kessler. KESSLER. It's a good thing the Brownies kicker probably stays up late every Saturday night watching reruns of The Bachelor because he's the reason most of us are still alive in this pool. Any other team in the league would have pulled away with a W. I thought us Jets fans had it bad. Don't mean to be braggadocious (I'm sure many, MANY people looked up yesterday if that was an actual word that came out of Donald's mouth), but Folk would have hit that FG for us. Lol braggadocious. What a word."

Commish says: (Hurriedly deleting all evidence of his TV watching history.) I may have met Caila from The Bachelor yesterday. (Hurriedly deleting evidence of his TV watching history.)

Cody Allen (codem0n) - Bengals: "The Browns are so bad that the dumpster fires are almost double digit favorites. That is the grossest, trappiest, trap game I have ever seen. And this is coming from a guy who averages a week 2 exit from the BFIG so I think I know what I am talking about. But betting against a team that ALMOST lost to the brownies? Now THAT is a bad team. Red rocket and the Bengals 31 - "Almost lost to the Browns" Fins 12. On to week 5 we go!"

Chase Crawford (OJ4MVP) - Bengals: "1) Home team; 2) Non-division; 3) Miami barely beat the Browns; 4) Miami RB injured; 5) The commish gave me his blessings (I hope)"

Commish says: Thanks for the reminder that I didn't follow my own damn rules last week. I would have made it to the BFIG promised land of Week 5. I need a moment. Can I get a moment? Get the cameras out of my face. OUT!

Joseph Winter (PACKERBACKERS) - Bengals: "Can't trust the Dumpster Fire after the Dolphins scare. Dolphins on a short week, on the road, unfamiliar opponent, opponent sick of playing the best teams in the league, opponent ready to kick the shit out of Flipper. Give me some Bengals."

Chris Walker (Cjwalk) - Bengals: "I went back and forth on this pick until I saw the color rush uniforms for the Dolphins. There's no way in hell they can win in that color no matter how bad the Bengals are in primetime."

Brendon Kimber (brendonkimber6) - Bengals: "I had a really long and hilarious response in here for the redskins, but alas I pussied out and decided that I'm totally fine never picking Washington all season long. And after Miami had me shitting bricks last week, I've decided that it just seems smart to pick a good team against a bad team. Also I feel like I've been fading the Browns too much, and I mean, they can't lose every game can they? Think Cincy rolls this week and then I can spend the whole rest of the week/weekend sending good vibes to the Browns. It'll be a nice feeling when they upset the Redskins and about 1000 players in this pool"

Commish says: The Browns are not going 0-16. They're just not. This week's picking made me wonder who we wouldn't fade the Browns against...

Kenny Lisk (Kenny_L) - Bengals: "All you f***ers who picked the Dolphins over the Browns are so damn lucky! Glad I avoided that one... I learned my lesson in Week 2 picking the Ravens over the Browns and was shitting bricks until the final minute of that one. But yours went to overtime...and you Miami pickers were likely shitting (what's a few steps higher on the shitting chart than bricks?...those large lego blocks?) something even more painful. Anyways, I'd say it's wise to not pick against the Browns just solely because they're the Browns, because one of these times, it's DEFINITELY gonna backfire. However, I'm likely picking New England over them if I make it to Week 5 :) but that's the only exception. This week, I'll take the Bengals over the Dolphins at home because the Bengals won't lose two in a row at home, and especially won't do it to this very disappointing Dolphins team. On to Week 5! I hope..."

Hailey Cohen (Cohehe9) - Bengals: "Just learned Dan Marino isn't playing this season so I feel safe with my pick"

Neil F. MacLellan (neilmaclellaniii) - Redskins: "Home team, better record, non-divisional game, better field goal %...how can I lose with the Skins?"

Commish says: I see your field goal % inclusion, Neil! Making Commish proud!

David Young (davidyoung87) - Bengals: "Last week, I picked the Dolphins. I woke up to watch the game, which started at 3am Australian Eastern Standard Time. After riding the Ravens in week 2, who tried their best to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, I was looking forward to a less stressful match, with my pick being what I saw as a sure thing. I mean, Cody Kessler and The Browns? It sounds like a 60's barbershop quartet. The Dolphins then proceeded to try their best to take at least 20 years off my life. Whether that be Ryan Tannehill targeting Browns defenders more than often than his own receivers, making Terell Pryor look like Ohio State Terell Pryor, the Dolphins vaunted defensive line applying about as much pressure as Trump's tiny brain puts on his skull or a rushing attack with about as much direction as Roger Goodell when deciding on punishments. Think again, you dastardly Dolphins!! I had other plans and thwarted your attempts by doing the only thing I could. I went back to sleep. That's right, the only bearable way to endure a Dolphins game is by living on the other side of the world and sleeping through it. This week, being a night game, I will be watching the Bengals game at the delightful time of 11am, on what is a public holiday here. Please, Bengals, don't ruin my public holiday."

Commish says: Dave, are there bars open in Australia at 3am to watch American football? If so, do you have a comfy couch? See you next week.

Mike Henderson (mikehenderson55) - Bengals: "My friend Steve made an extra cheesy video about a weekend he had with an ex-gf. it features a fantastic hall and Oates song and anytime it plays he gets reminded via social media and text messages, his latest ex-gf was a huge bengals fan maybe this will start a new trend. Oh and I also have 2 tickets to the game Thursday night if you're interested commish? "

Commish says: SEND THE VIDEO!

Jared Crittenden (jaredcrittenden) - Bengals: "I agonized over this pick. I was in on the Cards from the minute picks opened this week due to one of the many NFL truisms: Jeff Fishers undeniable mediocrity. If I could paste a chart here, I'd include the Jeff Fisher Coaching Philosophy curtesy of Big Cat from Barstool. However it can be summed up: Are you below .500? > win a game. Are you at .500? > Do nothing, you're golden. Are you above .500? > Lose a game. A quick glance at the standing shows the Rams at 2-1, meaning the universe demands a Cards victory over Fisher's Rams. However, I can't shake the feeling that Carson Palmer may be morphing into Ryan Fitzpatrick right before our very eyes. He looked downright Fitzy-eque flinging picks directly into the arms of a very mediocre Bills defense. Plus I adore Fisher's mustache, I'd like to root against that glorious soup strainer as little as possible. This brings me to my back up, Bungles over Fins. Ryan Tannehill is trash and they needed 3 missed chip shots to grease by the Browns. The Red Rifle gets the Bengals back on track w an easy Thursday night dubbya and then I'm free to focus my energies on 5 team parlays all weekend."

Jared Kahn (Jmkahn) - Bengals: "I hate Chip Kelly. When the Bengals host the Dolphins on Thursday night, we are going to see the matchup of AJ Green and Byron Maxwell. Let me back up here. I hate Chip Kelly. When the Chip was on Philadelphia, he brought in the egregiously overrated CB Byron Maxwell. After a year of getting roasted by every receiver who runs a sub 5 40-yard dash, the Eagles dumped him on Miami. Byron should be up against AJ for most of Thursday night. I have all the faith that AJ will have a multiple touchdown game. So much, in fact, that I traded Lesean McCoy for AJ Green for my fantasy team this week. I am all in on the Bengals offense tearing up the Dolphins weak secondary. I look forward to watching another Chip Kelly product further fall to pieces on national television."

Commish says: SZN strong emotions power rankings: 1) BLL love; 2) Cleveland love; 3) Chip Kelly hate.

Tony Romaldo (dinosarducci) - Bengals: "I am picking Cincinnati because they just got smacked in the mouth by Denver and no one likes to get slapped in the mouth twice....I mean cmon slapped in the mouth! Worst yet losing to Miami would be like getting slapped in your mouth at your house in front of your friends by yo momma! Also I am waiting for the Redskins to blow up and Cleveland gets the win as Terrell Pryor goes off for 200 plus receiving and sends 1500+ BFIG members packing muahahaha! Bengals feast on the tasty Fins at home!"

Commish says: Tony, is this pick comment based on a real life experience?

Rob Hunter (robbobobbo) - Bengals: "I was on Seattle over Miami week one, and I was so confident that I didn't even watch the game. My dad texted me saying that Seattle had thrown a pick six in the final drive, and I believed him. I made peace with pulling a Commish and losing in Week 1 (btw: lying about that has to be a cardinal sin in the eyes of the football gods, but my dad's still in). Then last week I was on Miami over the Browns, and Tannehill Tannehilled has hard as he could, setting the Browns up with an easy field goal. Thankfully, the Browns graciously declined the free points, and I'm still picking teams. So I know how bad Miami is. They tried so hard to give that game away - there but for the grace of Parkey go I. So now, with two new leases on survivor life, I nervously walk into the BFIG deathtrap that is the Cincinnati Bengals, at least ensuring that I'm not tempted to play them after the Second Chance Safety Net(TM) is gone."

Ryan DeHaai (RDH24) - Bengals: "Looking at the posts from last week it appears I change my picks in the BFIG more times than most people change their underwear during the week. Does BFIG stand for Brown Feces In Garments? If so, the Dolphins fit this theme last week when they gave me a scare with the browns (the team and the poop that was almost scared out of me). Looking for the Bengals to clean up the Dolphins much like these other BFIG players need to clean up their undergarments!"

Sara Dymond (saradymond) - Broncos: "I woke up today and hadn't made my pick yet. I turned on ESPN while getting dressed, and low and behold, there was Peyton. Inviting good 'ol Eli over for some Sunday football fun. And nachos. I felt it was an omen, that I should pick Denver this week. That, plus the fact that I'm 7 months pregnant and the thought of nachos at 7am sounded absolutely fantastic. And so I made my pick; easy. Like Sunday morning."

JP Barcenas (jpbarcenas) - Cardinals: "I kept hearing "It's a Trap" - Admiral Akbar on every single pick I made. I got so deep inside my own head that even Leo can't save me from this Inception mindf*** I'm on. Fingers crossed and here we go."

Peter Larson (lars2809) - Cardinals: "There was a quiet, peaceful wisp of pure happiness that my heart absorbed when I realized I never have to pick the Miami Dolphins again. Good Lord. I really thought Miami could be something this year, but boy, at 1-2, they have been massively disappointing. I think I'm going to compensate with an excessively logical and safe pick...the 1-2, massively disappointing Arizona Cardinals. What the hell could go wrong?"

Bryn Cagle (bcagle) - Cardinals: "I've been riding the (pick against the) Browns train all season but this is the stop I get off. You heard it here first folks - the Browns win this week."

Commish says: We need a name for the Anti-Browns Train. Can someone come up with a name? Very important.

Christopher H Richter (ChrisHRichter) - Redskins: "Because I love sweating out the Browns games. Can they top themselves this week with a way to snag defeat from the embrace of Victory."

Peter Menchini (pmenchini) - Redskins: "My good friend Nicky G wanted to pick against the Browns last week, but put far too much thought into it (partly in an attempt to make the weekly email, which he did). Alas, his internal monologue betrayed him, and you really hate to see that happen to such a good guy. This pick is for you Nicky G."

Commish says: WE LOVE YOU, NICKY G!

Nick Aranzamendi (nickaranz) - Texans: "I keep betting againt the Browns. #YACHTWEEKSUPERBOWL2017 **UPDATE:** I realized I dislike Chicago more. Lets go Lions!! I know commish I base all my picks based on who sucks the most vs who has the better odds. *new update* I'm worst than indecisive high school kid. My faith has been decided over drinks and a coin toss to bet for the Texans and get over my Bears hatred. Worst of luck Chicago!!! #CommitToYachtWeekCommish"

Commish says: NICK, WTF man? I committed to Yacht Week 2017 in 1987. I'm so committed to Yacht Week that they've already gotten Bud Light Lime to sponsor their 2017 recap video. I'm currently doing situps as I write this. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED FROM ME?

Dan Dreger (trigger125) - Vikings: "Commish's playbook for success: 1) pick a team at home (the "don't bet the cowboys or broncos this week" rule); 2) stay away from divisional games (the "stay away from AZ, New England, and Houston" this week rule); 3) let the records tell you who's better (the "don't bet on Cincinnati or Washington" this week rule); Ok, so what the f*** am I supposed to do this week, Commish? Take the Chiefs against a Steelers team getting LeVeon bell back? Bet the Sit-Flag-cisco Kapernicks against Dak and Dez? Wait, I know! I'll bet the upstart Eagles! They can't lose against...against...a bye week? Dammit. Oh my god! I can't believe I am actually about to take the QB-less, RB-less vikings. They meet the criteria, and are giving 5 points to a questionable giants team... You better be right Commish. You better be right."

Commish says: Did I mention I'm a lifelong Packers fan? Can a Packers fan's rules apply to the Vikings? I'm not saying they don't apply, Dan, but...

Natalie Crosby (ncrosby10) - Redskins: "I'm drunk at Oktoberfest and who knows how much I'm getting charged for international data to make this pick. Sorry Dad. Love ya."

Commish says: Hi, Natalie's Dad!

Jim Burke (Jimbo) - Redskins: "I got cute last week picking Miami over the Browns. It earned me my second OT win in three weeks, and I am hardly the only one in the pool who has basically won two straight coin-flip games. Statisticians would say that the odds of me continuing to enjoy this luck gets worse and worse each week. Prudence dictates that I go safe. Prudence dictates a lot, though. I - for one - think it's high time someone put a stop to Prudence's dictatorship. I think it's time to tell Prudence, "The Browns suck and I don't care what the evidence says." The Browns are garbage (the Dolphins are slightly better garbage) and will lose to the (also garbage) Washington Pro Football Team. It's time to ride the Cleveland Lightening. Saddle up. Screw Prudence."

Commish says: Jimbo!!!

Alex Mace (alexmace4) - Bengals: "wish TJ Who's-Yo-Mama was still on the team...wonder what he's up to now a days (hopefully in BFIG & drinking an absurd amount of bud light limes)"

Commish says: Hey, does anyone know TJ? Anyone? Do we know a friend of TJ's friend? Have you opened Facebook yet? GET HIM IN THE POOL!

Eric Stanske (estanske) - Broncos: "Coors or Tropicana?"

Commish says: We're getting close. I can feel it. (And Coors, obvi.)

Allison Hewitt (Red_hot113) - Broncos: "Go Broncos!! I can't believe the spread on this one -- Bucs are going to suck the big twinkie. Can't wait to see little Peyton aka Simian kick some butt. F*** Jameis Winston and the horse he rode in on. I'm looking forward to seeing Von Miller clean Jameis' clocks all while hoping Talib doesn't feel the need to poke any eyes. Sometimes some eyes just need to be poked. I get it. As a former teacher, I can't tell you how many times I considered resorting to eye poking as a classroom discipline model. NO ONE TO THROW ANY PENALTY FLAGS!! GO BRONCOS!!! Like you have adopted the Washington Dumpster Fires -- I propose this ground-breaking new name, which I donate to you for your use throughout BFIG should you so choose....prepare to have your mind F***ING BLOWN: Tampa Bay SUCKaneers. Is your mind blown???? I knew it. Win or lose this week, I've already won."

Commish says: We're definitely getting close...

jim price (jdp529) - Redskins: "It's my favorite team! Damn it even a dumpster fire can get hot."

Commish says: Closer...

Kyle Stern (Chibear75) - Bengals: I have decided that I am going to get blackout drunk tonight so I can wake up tomorrow with no memory of the game tonight. Why am I so stressed??? This is just football, if this is my only concern on this Thursday afternoon I probably have more problems then the Dolphin Bengals game. We will save that for another day though!! Please BFIG GODS be with me today. I don't ever ask you for anything, just please have my back!!!! I plead with you!! I need this more then I need a female companion and that is saying a lot!! Thank god for my dog Cutler! What the frig, I just realized I named my dog after Jay Cutler. I AM DOOMED!!"

Commish says: Annnnd that'll do it for this week!