Children of the Cobb,

That was good. We are good. In fact, you could say we've NEVER been this good.

Not since BFIG's inaugural pigskin superpalooza (sponsored by Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus FROM THE FUTURE) have we had such a strong Week 5 performance. Turns out, Week 5 is often a crushing blow to our survival dreams. Check it out:

• 2009: 4% dropped out in Week 5
• 2010: 49% dropped out (Bengals!!)
• 2011: 81% dropped out (ELI FACE!!)
• 2012: 14% dropped out
• 2013: 40% dropped out (Bengals!!)
• 2014: 16% dropped out
• 2015: 33% dropped out (Cutler... Cutler? Cutler!!)
• 2016: 7% dropped out

The BFIG title pool remains 1,574 strong - 39 percent of the original pool. That's our second-highest survival rate ever at this juncture. And in 2009, when 57 percent we're still left, we had a total of 46 combatants and the Rams were about to be 1-15.

Reflecting on our collective success, there is but one question to ask... TO WHOM SHALL WE MAKE OUR OFFERING, SURVIVAL GODS?

The Browns have played five quarterbacks in five weeks. Charlie "Clipboard Jesus" Whitehurst just played quarterback for the 2016 Browns. Then he got cut, because Charlie Whitehurst. Cleveland signed a sixth QB this week.

The Browns do not deserve this. But you should know, the survival gods have been watching. If you think they intend to allow so many people sliding by each week, then you are most definitely not a scholar of survivor history.

For now, Commish is raising a frosted Packers Super Bowl Champions mug to our early season success. Cheers, good friends.

Make sure you wink at the gridiron heavens as you lower that glass back down.

BFIG HEALTH CHECK: JIM CALDWELL IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT OUR LEVEL OF PLAY

Damage done: 1,693 started the week; eight picked teams lost, knocking out 119 people; 1,574 of us are moving on to Week 5. (Second Chance lost 235 people and is down to 1,676.)

Could it have been worse? Not really. Indy sweated the Bears a bit, but our top five picks all enjoyed victories free of nerve-enduced BLL chugging. It actually was closer to being even better, as our top losses - Philly and Carolina - both could have won. But Jim wasn't having it... were you Jim?

Closest call: Charlie Whitehurst over 80s hair band revivalists. I think he juuust pulled out the win. HIS LOOK IS CURRENT, people. We could all use a little more Whitehurst in our monthly "manly men groom, man" subscription box.

Easiest win: Vikings over Some Dude Posing As A Quarterback. I did not draft a receiver tasked with catching Brock Osweiler passes in my fantasy first round. I did not draft a Texans receiver. I did not draft a Texans receiver. I do not like you, Brock. I do not.

I believe The Ringer said it best: "Watching the Texans on offense right now is like taking mustard out of the refrigerator and being able to feel from its weight that it’s basically empty, but you’re still like, 'F*** it, I’ma make it work,' and you just keep on shaking the bottle and squeezing the bottle and spurting out teeny, tiny, unsatisfying amounts."

Toughest loss: Bucs beat Panthers. This wasn't tough in the sense the Panthers should have won. It was tough because you had to suffer through watching this game. And the NFL wonders why ratings are down...

Team SZN record: 1-1. Hey, GM, how'd this szn go for you? What's that? No, you can't burn down Detroit. Huh? No, you can't quit. Dude, no, we're not making a Third Chance Pool for you. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, KYLE.

WEEK 5 HIGHLIGHTS: "THE ROBOT" TAKES ON NEW MEANING

Commish's favorite touchdown celebration of the year. I shall call it the "F*** you, Goodell." Well done, Andrew Hawkins. Well done.

Oh, no. Goodness. No, Browns, this is not how you tackle.

Can someone tell Derron Smith that 55-year-old men shouldn't be doing this to you?

DeMarco Murray heard me dissing NFL running backs last week. He wasn't happy about it.

WE'RE DOING NBA SURVIVOR. YOU'RE DOING NBA SURVIVOR. GO GET IN NOW (IT'S FREE)

Broken Record Commish has an announcement: You're a SZN member, and as a member, you get to play in every SZN competition for free. That is what we do. That is why we (you) are awesome.

This is our first-ever NBA survivor. Think of it like a trial run. Keeping prizes small for this first run, and once we know we have the format right, we're going ham with NBA Survivor DEUX in January.

Lastly, YES, new friends should join now. Here's how it works: Their SZN membership includes everything that starts between the day they sign up and one year from that day. NBA survivor, all upcoming NFL stuff, and yes, BFIG 2017. Visit your friends page, get 'em on The SZN, then get yourself in the NBA pool:

HOUSEKEEPING

• Text message reminders have saved a ton of people already. If you haven't entered your phone number so we can send you reminders (that's ALL we use it for), then do so now.
• Picks lock Thursday at 5:20pm (PST) every week. No exceptions.
• Kyle (The GM) and I play along with everyone, but of course we can't win any money. It's written into our official Terms of Service. We lol at basically every DraftKings article that comes out.
• Any friends who become SZN members get all the competitions we offer from the day they join through one year from that date. So yes, that includes BFIG 2017. Get them in!
• DOUBLE CHECK YOUR PICK! Seriously, you don't want to be the person who thinks they're on the Patriots but actually picked the Patriots' opponent. (Yes, it happens.)
• The Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl.
• Commish loves you.