Pilgrims of the Pigskin Pantheon,

Pete Carroll wanted to impress his buddy. He was thinking, "Fridge is STASHED with Bud Light Lime. I'm so fired up. Wait till he gets ahold of this. He's gonna be so fired up it's gonna fire up my fired up."

His buddy went to the kitchen, grabbed hold of the fridge handle, and Pete fixed his eyes on the impending green flash of desire...

There was no Bud Light Lime. The BLL was gone. Where the f*** did the BLL go? Pete needs his fire.

Sub BLL for "respectable football" and that's your Week 7 recap in a nutshell. We all thought the Seahawks and Cardinals giving us two potential game-winning field goal misses inside 30 yards and the NFL's first touchdown-less tie in 44 years was the perfect bookend to a pitiful week. But then, well... Brock?

Brock Osweiler threw 41 passes Monday night... and gained 131 yards doing so - the third lowest yards-per-attempt on 40+ attempts in the entire Super Bowl era.

So, yes, the Niners are really bad. The Browns are literally playing their sixth string quarterback. BORTLEMANIA!!! is not a movement but rather a garbage time touchdown fantasy watch party. These things bode well for survival. But there's a whole lot of mediocrity out there this year, and so Commish's bold prediction of a regular season title belt ceremony remains.

(Do we think Pete Carroll drinks BLL? He seems like more of a Lime-a-Rita guy, right?)

BFIG HEALTH CHECK: WE'RE IN A PATTERN OF ONE BIG PICK LOSING EACH WEEK

Damage done: 1,117 started the week; four picked teams lost and one picked team tied (a survival loss), knowing out 223 people; 894 of us are moving on to Week 7. (Second Chance lost 196 people and is down to 766.)

Could it have been worse? Not really. Just like last week, while one big pick lost (Atlanta rode the Riversblaster and crashed), the other big picks rolled to easy wins. The common theme in those wins? Soul-crushing opposing quarterback situations. The Packers got to play Matt Barkley (lol), the Broncos got to play a 6-foot-8 dude who literally cannot throw a football - that's like Shaq losing grip on a basketball; please don't tell Shaq I just used him in a Brock Osweiler comparison - and the Bengals got to play the Browns' sixth string quarterback. I can't even fit this dude in:

Closest call: AFC South vs. NFL playoff seeding. Once again, the winner of the AFC South will be allowed to play a playoff game. And once again, the AFC South winner will get to host that first playoff game. This will be the third time in four years that the AFC South champion will be a home underdog on Wildcard Weekend. Spoiler alert: BORTLEMANIA!!! will not be engulfing the 2016-17 playoffs. Though, Colts-Titans did give us this:

Easiest win: Packers over Matt Leinart's legacy. USC quarterbacks were fine, we were FINE, before Leinart, right? I mean, Carson Palmer has had a good career. Matt Cassel was passable at times, I think? Does any top-tier college program have a more embarrassing trio than Leinart, Sanchez, and Barkley? (I didn't forget John David Booty, btw; please tell me one of you owns a Booty Vikings jersey.) Matt Barkley's stat line Thursday: 6-of-15 for 81 yards, no touchdowns, two picks, and photos like this:

Toughest loss: Chargers beat Falcons. Atlanta went for it on 4th-and-1 in their own territory in overtime. No dice. Commish thinks it was the right call - if you're the Falcons, you'd prefer the game comes down to your offense against the Chargers defense. In other news, San Diego's four losses are by 6, 4, 1, and 3 points - two of them being brutal fourth quarter collapses. It's probable that Philip Rivers is a miracle worker, and likely that the Chargers are a good football team.

Team SZN record: 1-0. Is there a Second Chance Pool Hall of Fame? Does anyone have a Bud Light Lime bust guy?

WEEK 7 HIGHLIGHTS: YES, THERE WAS A BROWNSIEST BROWNS PLAY THIS WEEK

AJ Green's hail mary catch is ridiculous, for sure. But there are several equally amazing things in this highlight: 1) No. 20's reaction. "Dude, I can't take this shit anymore,"... 2) Andy Dalton's indefensible high five... and 3) The announcer saying, "PRAYER ANSWERED!" as if opposing teams haven't had enough batshit crazy stuff benefit them in games against the Browns this year.

Why are the Seahawks the only team that can do this? Bobby Wagner got hyphy en route to a field goal block.

Some mad genius Texans fan makes cinematic trailers before every game. How good is this?

Carson Wentz might end up a great NFL quarterback. He might be abridged RG3. He might butt fumble deux. We don't know. But we DO know he produced the second-greatest mouthguard gif of all time ('sup, LeBron):

And, finally, Bruce Arians' fridge was also raided of all its Bud Light Lime:

OUR HAYNESWORTH HUSTLE WINNER IS STEADFAST IN HIS BROWNS SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

Dare I say, Hugh (@BrownsSuperBowl18) is pleased with how things have gone so far:

"The Browns may not win this year. We are on plan. And yes, that plan is '18. (Note the ambiguity, which is rather DJT-like. Too much debate coverage.) Brownies are in early talks to extend Pryor. Very good. As you know, the unified theory of sports required that the Cavs win first, never having won at all, then the Indians - a dry hole since '48 - and only then the Browns, who have been wandering in the desert a mere 52 years. We are on plan."

ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER BFIG MILESTONE: OUR FIRST-EVER WEDDING TOAST

Mike and Meghan own one of SZN's largest tree branches - they've got a bunch of friends in BFIG. Mike and Meghan happened to get married this past weekend (congrats, you two!), and the Maid of Honor - also Meghan, and also in BFIG - wanted to illustrate just how competitive Mike and Meghan are.

So how did she do that? She told the crowd, "Mike and Meghan are so competitive, they don't even share their BFIG picks with each other until picks are locked."

Commish teared up a bit upon hearing this. Being single, you could argue I don't yet know what I need in a future partner. But you'd be wrong. I need a wife who won't tell me her BFIG pick until picks are locked.