Red Zone Renegades,
It took eight weeks, but we've finally unearthed the most shocking storyline of the 2016 NFL season.
He's known for his enormous potential, his rocket arm, and his rocket-armed unfulfilled enormous potential. He's known for a once-in-a-generation pouty face, and innumerable about-face interceptions.
But until Monday night, he'd never in his 33 years been known for this...
Jay Cutler, leaderman among men
He gave his teammates a rousing speech before kickoff, according to multiple sources. This means two things with astronomically low odds became true: 1) Jay Cutler was allowed to attempt an inspirational speech, and 2) Said speech worked.
Jay Cutler: 20-for-31, 252 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 rejuvenated Alshon, 0 turnovers.
Jay Cutler: LEADER.
It was a shocking defeat for BFIG's most picked team. The Vikings fell to 2-14 in their last 16 games in Chicago.
Hold up. What? Is that actually true? Yeah, it is. Minnesota is net -146 at Soldier Field since 2001, and those two wins were both by a field goal.
Commish would tell you something about divisional road games, but, well, he loves you too much...
*****
BFIG HEALTH CHECK: THIS WAS OUR MOST DAMAGING WEEK YET
Damage done: 894 started the week; six picked teams lost and one picked team tied (a survival loss), knocking out nearly half the pool. 401 people lost; 493 of us are moving on to Week 9. (Second Chance lost 362 people and is down to 404.)
Could it have been worse? Much worse. Dallas (8% of picks) won in overtime. The Jets (4%) spotted the Browns a 20-7 halftime lead before scoring 24 straight. Denver (17%) held a one-score lead over San Diego for 15 of the game's final 19 minutes. Bud Light Lime consumption per title pool survivor capita (BLLCPTPSC, or "BullCappyTappies") almost certainly hit its 2016 apex.
Closest call: Raiders over NFL rule book. The Raiders outgained the Bucs 626-270... and the game went to overtime. David Carr threw for 498 yards with no interceptions... and Oakland almost lost. The Raiders committed an NFL-record 23 accepted penalties (several more were declined) that cost them 200 yards... and won the football game. Fittingly, the game ended with Tampa's hapless secondary basically giving up. Has there been a worse tackling effort all season than the Bucs safety on that play? Oakland 30, Bucs 24.
Easiest win: Mediocrity over BORTLEMANIA!!! Using FiveThirtyEight's Elo ratings to measure team quality, three of the five poorest quality primetime matchups in NFL history have involved Blake Bortles against the Tennessee Titans. If you want an explanation for how this is possible, 2016 Blake Bortles fell behind the 2016 Tennessee Titans by a score of 36-8. If you want an explanation for how any team could be trailing the Titans by 28 points, Commish cannot help you.
Toughest loss: Bears beat Vikings. Jay Cutler: LEADER.
Team SZN record: 0-1. Commish is REALLY not happy with the Houston Texans. Also, given the four teams' trendlines, what are the odds the NFC North finishes in a four-way 8-8 tie?
*****
THE BROWNS ALMOST WON... WHICH IS EXACTLY HOW YOU'D CAPTION THIS PHOTO
I mean, is there a Brownsier thing for Browns fans to do than this?
Josh McCown started at quarterback for the first time since Week 2. He put up 20 points and helped build a huge first-half lead... exactly like he did in Week 2 (against the Ravens).
Josh McCown is very good at playing a great first half. And the Browns are very good at finding ways to lose. 31-28, Jets.
Cleveland is now 0-for-8 in winning football games, and the Dawg Pound is now 0-for-1 in coordination.
(Can someone please rush some Bud Light Lime to Cleveland?)
*****
That's our update this week. If you're having fun, get a few more friends to join. We'll be doing this allllll year round.
Yours in football,
The Commish