Commish's prognostication superpowers are bested only by his ability to sift through an ungodly amount of your takes each week. I am ironclad in my mission to remain unbiased, featuring the best of what you craft each week. I also love Packers and Bud Light Lime takes.
WEEKLY AWARDS
Commish Communication Award
In a true underdog moment, I think David Mick's take has become my favorite weekly take. David Mick is the Ken Bone of survival. Every week, you hope he's going to escalate into some absurd prediction of longshot success, and he never lets you down. You earned this award, David, and we're all rooting for you to win both pools. Clearly, the lockiest lock there ever was. Take it away...
David Mick (mick) - Cardinals: "BEARS!!!!! Ok ok ok, so I'm not picking them this week. I know I said I was going to, but sometimes you just have to save your lock for a future pick when another good matchup presents itself. Basically what I am saying is I can't pick the Bears every week from here on out. I mean, like I said, they are winning out the rest of the season, but all these other teams are not and I have to pick them when they can win. So that's why I'm on Arizona this week. No, it's not because my wife won't let me... Honestly, our 3.5-month old newborn has been fired up this week (most likely his excitement of the BEARS!!!) and my wife hasnt even asked me about my pick. My one concern this week is that FiveThirtyEight (pro tip... ya'll should be looking at that) has Arizona at 85% to win. Well fivethirtyeight took a beating on its predictions Tuesday night with the election. I do have a safety net though in that I think the team that will be picked the most is Baltimore and fivethirtyeight has them as 81% favorites! It's Thursday night and crazy things happen. Cleveland is due and they get it this week. The last time those teams played I picked Baltimore in this pool, and I would be lying if I didn't say I was worried after the 20-3 first quarter. This time the Browns finish it off! On a side note, I'm still in the NBA pool. What's the award for winning both Pools?!?!?! Pretty sure that's another lock right there!!!! Oh, and it's my birthday Saturday! I almost forgot about that, but it also gives me an edge on my pick!!!"
"I Could Sell You Bengals Tickets" Award
This award is designed to honor people who lay out supreme logic and wisdom in arriving at their pick(s). Give me stats. Give me history. Give me injury reports. Give me x factors. This week, Commish is breaking tradition in giving this award to someone who knew EXACTLY why he would lose, told us why he was gonna lose, and then lost. Just know, David, that even in defeat, you came up with the single most perfect way to describe the Jaguars, ever:
David Drobac (daviddrobac) - Cardinals, Jaguars: "I'm passing on the Ravens this week and going with the Jags instead. That's essentially picking a Browns team led by Blake Bortles. So I guess what I'm saying is it's been fun, see you next year."
Definitely Not Concussed Award
We should all thank Dan for teaching us that picking Thursday night games is still better than courting a toothless Jabba the Hut sucking down wine spritzers:
Dan Dreger (trigger125) - Ravens: "I hate everything about this week. I'm at the bar at last call and my options are a) going home alone b) courting a toothless Jabba the Hut sucking down wine spritzers or c) playing ""wingman"" for my buddy with the loud, annoying, opinionated friend. I'm picking against Cleveland for the 2nd time all year ('cause i think they're the best 0-9 team in NFL history). Rules I'm breaking: don't bet division rivalries; don't bet the 'popular pick'; don't bet the Thursday game (ever!); and don't bet against the team that got out to a 20-pt lead in the last meeting... may god have mercy on my pick."
THIS WEEK AT THE NORWOODS'
Paige Norwood (crashfu14) - Cardinals, Washington: "Dora the Explorer intrigues me. Where are her parents? She gallivants everywhere with a dirty unlicensed monkey. That haircut is criminally bad. Worse yet, in the Lost Squeaky episode, she actually seeks out a "gooey geyser." Gross, and wrong. "Bridge, muddy mountain, gooey geyser." I mean, really. Give me the Cards and Dumpster Fire this week."
Commish says: Someone should assume the persona of Dora the Explorer in all of their SZN takes. Is there a downside? Pretty sure no downside here.
Paige's partner in take absurdity, Rob, is out of BFIG. Commish is currently working on the fastest way to get Rob back submitting takes again.
OOF. CHARGERS FANS, I MEAN, YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING...
Greg Lagueux (Gleggo) - Chargers: "The cardinal sin: Pick your team that has been killing you emotionally since the Fouts/Winslow days; can start 6-0 and finish 6-10; can start 0-6 and finish 10-6; can open a 27-3 lead in any game and finish losing on the last play; can turn the ball over 5 times and lose by 1; or can produce no picks and no fumbles, have 4 takeaways without punting once, block three field goals, outgain the opposition 456 to 198 yards while holding the ball 45 minutes to 15, and STILL lose the game 17-15. Yup. Go Bolts!!"
Bobby Fuertes (bobbyfuertes) - Chargers: "With the Rams moving to LA and Dean Spanos continuing to screw with Chargers fans, this was the year I was supposed to renounce my Bolts fandom, but I just can't quit Philip Rivers. I know in my heart they're going to lose this game, but the time has come to stake my survival life in an attempt to rid myself of this team once and for all."
Commish says: Oof. Guys. I'm not sure what to say. But I do have a suggestion for you, courtesy of Ernie:
Ernie Aldama (cpufixrman) - Giants: "Divisional games on the road equates to attempted suicide so that eliminated a couple possible picks. Although the Chargers are my team, being from San Diego, I just can't find it in me to pick them because they are just too predictable (meaning they almost always find a way to blow it in the 4th). A friend said I should just pick the Browns... but as I said, "Even a blind squirrel finds a nut at some point in its life." I can't trust that the Browns will continue on their path to 0 and 16. So, Giants for the win it is."
Commish says: ... Never pick the Chargers, so you may remain a fan for life. I know, painful as it is, you'd like to remain a fan. Take my advice, guys. And may the survival gods have mercy on your souls next year.
THE CARDINALS WERE OUR BIGGEST PICK OF THE YEAR... 14-POINT FAVORITES AT HOME... IN THE BAG, RIGHT?
Tyler Carey (tcarey01) - Cardinals: "David Johnson will eclipse 300 all purpose yards against the worst run defense in...well, history?"
Chris Walker (Cjwalk) - Cardinals: "I looked into my glass bowl, uh I mean crystal ball, and although it was a bit foggy, I did see David Johnson run for over 200 yards against the 49ers. I don't see how the 49ers stop the Cardinals this weekend. "
Christopher Score (TheLargeTuna) - Cardinals: "Arizona looks like the right pick. There is no way that Arizona loses at home to the 49ers. They need a win to keep up with Seattle. Lock this one up."
Kenneth Gill (kengill11) - Cardinals: "The Niners are TRASH!!!"
Commish says: HI GUYS. THE SURVIVAL GODS WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT NOTHING COMES EASY. Now, sit on the ground, cross your legs, drink two Bud Light Limes in five minutes, and say a few words of thanks and apology to the gods. Good. Let's move on.
ALWAYS REMEMBER: BOLD PREDICTIONS, EVEN IF THEY'RE HILARIOUSLY OFF, ALWAYS REMAIN BOLD
Before we begin, let me just say that Cody was half right, if you only look at his final knockout prediction. Per everything else he predicted, well, he did about as well as Nate Silver's illegitimate prognosticating son...
Cody Allen (codem0n) - Cardinals: "How can election coverage be the same verbal diarrhea nonsense as sports pregame analytics? Can we stop all the prognosticating? The one thing I know is that no one knows anything. There are upsets in every aspect of life, there are upsets every year. I thought it was confined to the little frustrating bubble of sports, but after Tuesday night I realized that basically everybody in any given field of 'expertise' on anything related to anything humans can interfere with is a blind, drunken toss at a dart board. The Cavs are champs, the Cubs are champs, the Sharks made it to a Stanley Cup, the Raiders are in first, Trump is Pres. There is not one person with even a semi-correct filled-out bracket of everything in 2016.
"With that being said, I will accurately predict EXACTLY what will happen this weekend in BFIG like I'm Nate F***ing Silver (Oh, Nate F***ing Silver doesn't know what the f*** he's talking about). I will accurately predict EVERYTHING like I'm the Simpsons and Back to the Future writers (seriously, how do those guys predict everything?)
"There are only three games with over a 3.5 point spread on them, the rest are coin flips. The favorites are the Ravens, Cards, and Pats. Everyone will be on them except for a few masochistic pyschos and hedge bettors:
- 67 people have picked the Pats and the Cards = 60 of these people will pick the Ravens and 7 are sickos and go other
- 49 people have picked the Pats and Ravens = 42 people will pick the Cards and 7 more are sickos and go other
- 5 people have picked the Cards and Ravens = 5 people on the Pats and no sickos.
- 140 people have used just their Pats pick = 70 on Ravens, 64 on Cards, 6 sickos
- 35 people have used just their Cards pick = 20 on Ravens, 14 on Pats, 1 sicko
- 35 people have used just their Ravens pick = 22 on Pats, 11 on Cards, 2 sickos
- 72 people have all three available = 33 on Ravens, 22 on cards, 11 on Pats, 6 sickos
- 8 people have used all three picks and own a pick as useless as a rubber at a California adult video filming
"In the end, 183 on the Ravens, all advance; 139 on the Cards, all advance; 52 on the Patriots, all advance; 37 people on other games (sickos), 17 advance. Final Tally: 391 on to week 11, 20 eliminated in week 10.
"(Ya, I know that equals 411. I miscounted once; I am not counting again.)
"*This prediction has a 100% margin of error. GO CARDS GO BROWNS GO SEAHAWKS ON TO WEEK 11!!"
Commish says: If the gauge is effort, history will remember you very kindly, Cody. If the gauge is accuracy, you'd better start working on your next set of predictions.
MORE TAKES WORTH A HOT SECOND
rich edwards (steelknight) - Ravens: "The rise of the raven will once again vanquish the headless abomination once referred to as the browns"
Dustin Van Dusen (dustinvandusen) - Ravens: "I'm just about to get Browns-ed, aren't I?"
Commish says: Headless abonimation?! People. Let's go easy on Hue and the Boys, OK? The survival gods are listening. And Dustin, so we're clear, "Getting Brownsed" means the Browns almost beat you, but then get super Brownsy and ultimately Browns the game away.
Mark Simones (BigDaddy) - Ravens, Packers: "Whoa Nellie! Am relying more on luck than anything else at this juncture of the SZN. My logic is very basic: 1) The Pack needs a quality win on the road to right it's listing ship. Dom Capers' boys need to suck it up and show some real guts. Stop using those nagging groin injuries as an excuse!!, and 2) The Ravens facing off against the hapless Browns - there's no way Cleveland gets off the snide this week!! Booyah Rejoices!"
Commish says: For anyone who read Commish and BigDaddy's first-ever picking of every NFL game, my dad was super high on the idea that the teams "who needed to win" were gonna win - the Packers, Vikings, Panthers, and Steelers. They promptly went 0-4. THAT SAID, he DID predict yet another massive upset in the Seahawks victory. I told him we need to stick to betting only massive upsets every few weeks. We'd be rolling in it.
Jared Kahn (Jmkahn) - Cardinals: "I need a Sunday full of football, wings, and pot. The kind of Sunday where all my teams (Eagles, BFIG, fantasy) pull off comfortable wins. The kind of Sunday that makes you happy you went grocery shopping on Monday, cried yourself to sleep Tuesday night, did your laundry on Wednesday night, called your grandparents on Thursday, max on the squat rack Friday, and play N64 all Saturday. By the time Sunday comes around, there should be nothing left on the to do list but sit on the couch and watch grown men try to kill each other. I normally spend my Hot-Take on BFIG preaching about how much I hate that furry-footed hobbit who calls plays in SanFran. The same stubby hobbit who destroyed my Eagles so badly we are still feeling repercussions. But I used up all my hate earlier this week. This is Sunday. This is a day for football, wings, and pot. So, go Cardinals!"
Commish says: DID YOUR FANTASY TEAM WIN? If so, I think we need a name for this type of Sunday. Let me know in your take this week.
Courtland Olson (colson) - Cardinals: "This whole week has been an absolute shit show. This whole NFL season has been a shit show. Beyond New England, no one makes sense. Arizona was coming off a successful year and was SUPPOSED to be right back there this year. They've regressed enough that I have 5% faith in them this week and am 95% sure they will lose. Being the frosting on this shit cupcake of an NFL season."
Commish says: For the uninitiated, Courtland's MO is to explain why his pick is going to blow it every week. Then his pick wins, and he turns his focus to why his next week pick will lose in horrifying fashion.
Jeremy Rosenweig (jeremyrosenweig) - Cardinals, Ravens: "You'd think after this election I'd grow a pair and gain some Moxie. NOPE"
Commish says: Hey Jeremy, guess what? TRY HARDER.
Loren Gjendem (lgjendem) - Cardinals, Ravens: "Original Picks: Roughly 12:45pm... If I had access to the middle finger emoji on my keyboard I would send it to you Commish. I hate picking two teams but I get why you do it, you blood-thirsty bastard. Go Charg-inals Go! Edit: 2:08pm... I did it, I flipped, I flopped. I'm worse than that horrible HGTV show. Oh please, don't act like you don't watch it in hopes you'll see Christina get her shirt caught on a nail. Either way Baltimore is in, Chargers are out. Go Rav-inals Go!"
Commish says: No, I don't watch HGTV, Loren. You blood-thirsty bastard. (Also: Nice pick change!)
That'll do it for your weekly NFL takes. Get in the habit of submitting them! Because fun. And because, even if Commish doesn't feature it, your friends will still see it. Take on, take-maestros. That was lame.