Four weeks into The Dawn of Joel Embiid, also known as the 2016-17 NBA season, and a few things are clear:
- Joel Embiid definitely might be the truth.
- Anthony Davis definitely might win a 1-on-4 against the rest of his starting five.
- The Minnesota Timberwolves definitely might be the worst third quarter team in NBA history.
- A whole bunch of SZNers know very little about the NBA.
Our first-ever NBA survivor week was pretty damn good - ~1500/1800 survived. Our second week was pretty bad - 1,000 dropped out. Then our third week was somewhere in between - we're down to 328 still standing. Through it all, though, we made one thing very clear...
WE'RE ALL F***ING WINGING IT
Matt Chapman (chapmattman): "I don't know anything about basketball except that Dwyane Wade appears in a Jay-Z song."
Bowe Partin (bowepartin): "I think I ate too many drugs at Phish... for some reason all my pick options are NBA teams"
David Magruder (dmagrude): "I've invested so little time in these picks compared to NFL survivor and percentage-wise, I'm fairing so much better. Reaffirmation of a valuable life lesson: do less."
Cameron Ford (Beast4life): "This is like adding a person to your fantasy league who has never watched a game of football and then they go on to win the championship. Meanwhile, you take the Sack-O and hate your life... for once it seems I might be in the former category. I don't know a thing about basketball and expect my picks to go bad this week but hey, you never know..."
Luke Hvidhyld (Hvidhyld): "I feel like Jay Cutler when its his turn to choose where to go for dinner... LOST"
BUT THAT'S OK, BECAUSE NBA ATHLETES WING THIS WHOLE BASKETBALL PLAYING THING, TOO
Case in point, part 1: Hornets-Sixers
Case in point, part 2: Suns-Warriors
Basketball, ladies and gentlemen!!
But, truly, neither of those abominable sequences holds a candle to the third quarter Timberwolves. We have enough of a sample size now - 10 games - to say this is no longer a hilarious fluke.
In the first quarter, Minnesota is outscoring opponents by 4.7 points - third-best rate in the NBA. In the second quarter, they're even better - +5.1 (2nd in NBA). Then, the Timberwolves each shotgun seven Bud Light Limes during halftime, return to the floor, and promptly shit the game away. They are minus 9.1 in the third quarter.
If only we could pick against "third quarter Timberwolves" in NBA survivor pools...
FOOTBALL MIGHT BE OUR PRIMARY SPORT, BUT WE STILL GOT (TAKES) GAME
Adam Jones (Booze_Bag_Jones): "Booze_Bag_Jones: I love Grizzlies... I love Bulls... I love Jazz... // Commish: Booze_Bag, are you just looking at matchups in the pool and saying you love them? // Booze_Bag_Jones: I love Jazz. // Commish: Do you really love Jazz? // Booze_Bag_Jones: I LOVE JAZZ. I love Jazz."
Commish says: Hey Adam, do you love Jazz?
Rob Norwood (rnorwood): "Q. Why are NBA basketball players such messy eaters? A. They are always dribbling. Haha, OMFGBBQ! LOLZ! No? Ooohkay, I'll just see myself out."
Commish says: Rob, stop losing, please. The people require your takes.
Matt Chatelain (mattchat89): "Survived Week 1! This should be sponsored by the NBA...I've already watched 3 more regular season games than I did last year!"
Commish says: That's a great idea, Matt. Hey, does anyone know Adam? Adam Silver. Yeah. GET HIM IN THE POOL!!!
Graham Huff (graham17huff): "Dirk Nowitski is still alive and playing basketball? He looks like a not-much-better groomed Geico Caveman. I love the Sixers. They're the best team out there with an 0-4 record. Embiid is a treasure. This hasn't translated to wins, but this is better than the 10-72 team we all knew and loved last year. Call me crazy, but the Sixers will get a win this week. I'm willing to put my NBA Survival Belt (Commish plz) on it. Embiid makes Lebron look old: 103-96."
Commish says: We have so many NBA traditions to create. We need a belt (or some equivalent trophy), we need a proper way to gauge Moxie... the list goes on. Any and all suggestions - send them to me. Also: Graham's predicted upset didn't happen, but the Sixers DID win in our third week. And yes, my dad picked them to do it.
David Kimber (davidrkimber): "Remember when Ron Artest punched a fan? That's what I remember about the Pacers."
Commish says: What are the odds that the Indiana Pacers franchise ever does something to eclipse Artest In The Stands? 10:1? 100:1?
Brianna Hill (b7hill): "i have no idea what I'm doing. Just trying to ease the pain of losing my shot at the Second Chance Pool to the FREAKING BEARS who decided that Monday was the day they would finally show up for a game. I know nothing about basketball except for that when the Warriors lost Game 7 this year, I had to back slowly out of my friends' apartment before they destroyed everything in their sight. Are the Cavs and Clippers still good? Here's hoping."
Commish says: Brianna, can you give us a more specific rundown of everything your friends destroyed? Just curious. It wouldn't help embolden a popular meme or anything.
Erik Nordstrom (Nordy007): "The last NBA game I attended Big Ticket, Sam Cassell, and Latrell "cant feed my family with $8 million" Sprewell lost to the Warriors on a buzzer beater. It was also probably the last NBA game I watched in its entirety. But everyone keeps telling me the Wolves are worth jumping on the Bandwagon for."
Commish says: Another one for you: Odds Latrell Spreewell's "I'm just trying to feed my family" ever gets kicked off the Mt. Rushmore of professional athlete idiotic quotes? I'm going 8:1, in honor of his paltry, family-starving $8 million salary.
Adam Lake (adamlake): "Isn't it silly that the Jazz are still the team that plays in Utah and not the team that plays in New Orleans?"
Kyle Tenney (ktenney12): "On June 9th, 1979 the New Orleans Jazz announced they would be relocating to Salt Lake City. Sending thousands of people across the state of Utah running to their dictionaries, in order to find out what Jazz was. There might be no name that I love more in all of pro sports than the Utah Jazz, it's perfectly imperfect and I'm not sure it's possible to come up with a more ill fitting name than Utah Jazz. Dallas Vegans, Los Angeles Anteaters, Minnesota Heat. None are as ludicrous as Utah Jazz. However, despite this ridiculous pairing, the Jazz have a dedicated fan base and have managed to field a competitive team for the overwhelming majority of the past 30 years."
Commish says: More terrible team names! More! (That'll do it for this week, everyone.)