DO YOU KNOW THESE GUYS? No, seriously. Do you know any of them? The 2016 Orlando Magic Drinking Game is probably the easiest way to end up in the hospital. I don't even know the rules, but I know it's true.
There are just seven people left in SZN's Inaugural NBA Survivor, and two of them are riding the 11-16 Orlando Magic tonight (at home to the 7-17 Brooklyn Nets). The guys above could determine our first-ever NBA champ.
That's a big part of the fun in NBA Survivor, right? Whereas you can go the full NFL survivor season (17 weeks) without picking a truly bad team, you can't really avoid it if you go deep in the NBA equivalent.
We're in our eighth week, so these are picks 15 and 16 for the seven folks still alive. Let's look at the picks:
- Pacers over Wizards (3 picks; Monday). With the most picks of any matchup this week, it's pretty much the perfect week 8 game. The Pacers have shown the ability to be sort of good the past few years, and they have Paul George, and they're at home, so you're like "I can get behind this." They're 13-14, though, which is why you haven't picked them yet. And Washington (-2.1) actually has a better point differential than Indiana (-2.3). But it's week 8 - mediocre is good. Mediocre is good. Say it with me.
- Magic over Nets (2 picks; right now). If one of the two people on this game promised to send me a post-mortem on how The Orlando Magic Drinking Game went, I'd be so excited right now.
- Grizzlies over Kings (2 picks; tonight). The Grizzlies average 97.4 points per game. Their opponents average 97.3. Yet the Grizzlies are 18-9. They're the Andrew Luck Colts of the NBA. Or, perhaps better, the inverse-Chargers of the NBA. Zach Randolph is still good; Zach Randolph still looks like he should be Santa Claus and not a professional basketball player. You pick the Grizzlies because they might win. You pick the Grizzlies knowing you have no f***ing clue how the game is going to go.
- Lakers at Sixers (1 pick each; tonight). I TAKE IT BACK - THIS IS THE PERFECT WEEK 8 GAME!! BTW, does anyone know Sam Hinkie? This is maybe my most important celebrity call-out yet, because you KNOW he'd join The SZN. If anyone knows anyone who knows Sam Hinkie, GET HIM IN THE POOL!!
- Nuggets over Mavericks (1 pick; Monday). It'd be fun to go to a foreign, non-English speaking country, walk up to random people in city squares, and yell "NUGGETS OVER MAVERICKS, BABY!" Right? Right?!?!
- Celtics over Hornets (1 pick; tonight). The Celtics have made me appreciate how blue and red the NBA is. The NFL is all over the color spectrum - orange, purple, green, yellow, black, TEAL - but the NBA is decidedly not. Seriously, look at the damn NBA Survivor spreadsheet - Boston is the only thing that saves it from a sea of bluered.
- Warriors over Trailblazers (1 pick; Saturday). Wait, who the f*** still has the Warriors available?! (@Snowyowl3 does.)
- Spurs over Pelicans (1 pick; Sunday). Wait, who the f*** still has the Spurs available?! (@johnrredding does.)
While part of me is like, "One of those dudes who saved the great teams deserves to win," a bigger part of me wants this to keep going. Shouldn't NBA Survivor come down to a Sixers-Nets game with one person on each side? That might be the greatest survival sporting event that's ever occurred.
We're doing this again, starting in early January. $1,000 to the winner. As a SZN member, all competitions are already covered. It's free. It's fun. Get in.
HERE'S WHAT THE SEVEN STEELY NBA SURVIVORS ARE SAYING ABOUT THEIR CHANCES
@Snowyowl3 (Celtics & Warriors): "I'm going to win because I have the perfect formula: Don't f*** up and pick the Sixers. It also took me until last week and this week to pick the Cavs and Dubs. So I was pretty much waiting it out to make sure everyone else is stuck hoping the Lakers can pull out a big win on Friday over The Process. (Commish note: It sort of happened!) You say we shouldn't play the pools with hopes to win, but I say f*** that I'm gunning for that number one spot. Sincerely, Future first-ever SZN NBA Survivor champ"
Commish says: TRASH TALK! We need more trash talk. Seriously, the BFIG people are so scared to talk shit. Are you all THAT superstitious? Be like @Snowyowl13. More trash talk.
@jthack88 (Lakers & Magic): "I have watched a combined 15 minutes of NBA all year, so I thought there was no way I would make it this far. I had a decent strategy to save some good teams until at least a few weeks in, but never did I think I would rely on the Jazz, Lakers, and Magic to win me pride and $$. After the heroic Sixers win against the Pistons (Commish note: This knocked out 80 percent of the remaining pool last week.), I celebrated the Title. Then I found out 7 people were still alive and that 4th place paid the same as 20th. I'd spent more than that tipping the cocktail waitress. Now I am locked in again. At this point I think it is destiny. The way I am going to win is not watching the game I need, or following it in the first half. I'm more of a KAT guy than The Brow, but if I win this week, I may be forced to pick the Pelicans. I will do a unibrow until next Halloween if that's what it takes for the belt. (I sure hope there is a belt.)"
Commish says: LEGENDARY COMMITMENT! We need more legendary commitment. BFIG people, are you seeing this? The survival gods LOVE commitment. They love insane promises. They love unibrow costumes EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. Cheers to you, @jthack88 - I'm holding you to this if you win. And per the belt, what should we give the NBA champ? Traditions start with a simple idea, so send them to me, everyone!
@headprowcc (Grizzlies & Pacers): "This is my first comment. I think it’s a combination of not wanting to jinx it, being obsessed with the BFIG Title Pool (also obsessed with another survivor pool that I’m still alive in that even Dr. Evil would like the payout for!), and living with my son who is freaking out while waiting to see if he gets in USC. I would be thrilled to be the first NBA Champion! I’ve actually done a little research - I went on NBA.com for the first time in my life. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have known that DeAngelo Russell was out/injured, and I would have picked the Lakers and lost. I think this is the weekend I win the pool!"
Commish says: RESEARCH! I mean, well... OK, I suppose BFIG folks do research. But, my man, how big is this other survivor pool you're alive in? And are there still an absurd nubmer of people alive, just like BFIG? Shoot me an email and give me the deets! But most importantly, HOW MUCH FUNFUEGO is this other pool? We better have it beat in that department.
@nsgaughan (Grizzlies & Pacers): "A couple things: 1) Huge fan of The SZN. Great weekly entertainment and love the idea of all these different survivor pools. 2) My lack of NBA comments is because I just never thought I could ever beat my 2nd ranked (#Humblebrag) Hedge of Happiness™ comment from last SZN. (Commish note: You will soon be forever immortalized in SZN history. Big things coming. But wait, what was the No. 1 comment??) 3) My pick this week goes against everything the Hedge of Happiness stands for. My bloodline is basketball. Debatable statement from a 5'9" white guy, but hear me out. I'm a Hoosier, born and raised. I grew up in the heyday of the NBA - with Reggie Miller and the Indiana Pacers living in the shadow of MJ and the Bulls, with the NBA trophy always just a bit out of reach. Our franchise was set back a decade after the Malice in the Palace in 2004 (well worth it - that was awesome; thanks Metta World Peace and Stephen Jackson). Add that POS Lebron and a Paul George broken leg into the mix, and we're back to mediocrity. I wonder if the Pacers will ever be able to bring an NBA championship home. A SZN Championship however, is a different story. This is why I'm riding Larry Legend and the 2016 Indiana Pacers to the SZN HOF as the inaugural NBA Survivor Champ. I'll be channeling my inner Jeff Foster as I take this thing down this weekend. WHERE WILL AMAZING HAPPEN?!"
Commish says: HEDGE OF HAPPINESS! We really need more Hedge of Happiness in our lives. For the uninitiated, the HoH is when you pick against your favorite team, or against a team you'd be REALLY happy to see win (because it helps your favorite team). If you get your pick right, you advance in BFIG (or NBA). If you get it wrong, well, happiness (of a different variety). It's brilliant. It's also not advised. Because, well... it's f***ing agonizing to subject yourself to that shit.
@bpnorment (Magic & Sixers): "I have yet to make any pick comments because I literally have no idea what I am doing and am consistently surprised every week when I haven't been eliminated. Every week of survival seems more unlikely than the last."
Commish says: This was the only real choice to end this section with. And the Magic and Sixers were clearly the only real choice to be paired with this comment. YOU ARE A BETTER MAN THAN ME, @bpnorment.
OUR JANUARY COMPETITIONS ARE GONNA BE FAVRE. (THAT MEANS "AMAZING.") JOIN THEM NOW
They're free, they're easy just like BFIG, and, c'mon... Commish gonna make them HOT.
Join the NFL Playoffs HasselBracket. Pick the winner of each NFL playoff game each week (11 total games) - best record wins. Why the "HasselBracket"? Because you want the ball, and you're gonna score. $1,000 to the winner.
Join NBA Survivor II. Pick the winner of two games each week. Can only pick each team once. Last person standing wins. $1,000 to the champ.
Join Bachelor Rosedown: Intellectual Viallation. Do you trust Commish? Do you? Because this shit might be the most fun competition ever. The Bachelor is a ridiculous show. This competition is gonna be equally ridiculous. You'll be entertained. You and your friends will get into it. You're gonna want to win, maybe even more than you wanted to win BFIG. Trust the process. Trust Commish. (Details on how weekly picking actually works will come after the New Year.)
YOUR PROFILE CAN BE COOL NOW, SO YOU SHOULD GO MAKE IT COOL
We're rapidly adding cool stuff to your profile. You should go own it, because you own life on a regular basis. (Right?)
You can visit your profile by clicking your username in the main navigation. Edit your profile here. In the coming weeks and months, we'll be adding full competition history, recent W/L stats, trophies, and more.
How many all-time SZN wins do you have? Commish has 56.
HOUSEKEEPING
- We're gonna allow you to run your own competition with your friends through The SZN. We're probably gonna make it free, too. Want to do one with your friends? Reply and let me know what type of competition you'd want.
- Text message pick reminders have saved hundreds of people. No lie. If you haven't entered your phone number so we can send you reminders (that's ALL we use it for), then do so now.
- Football picks lock at 5:20pm (PST) every week. Basketball picks lock Friday at 3:00pm (PST). No exceptions.
- Kyle (The GM) and I play along with everyone, but of course we can't win any money. It's written into our official Terms of Service. We lol at basically every DraftKings article that comes out.
- The Green Bay Packers should fire Mike McCarthy.
- Commish still loves the Packers. A lot.
- And Commish loves you.