This is a spoiler-free Bachelor recap. This is also a totally ridiculous Bachelor recap. We run a pretty ridiculous (read: super fun) Bachelor competition, too. It's free. You should join it (use the code: BACHELOR).

You could say this is a recap of episode 1, but mostly it's a recap of Dolphin Girl. Because 1) Dolphin Girl is the best, and 2) Dolphin Girl just set a new Bachelor franchise record for "Most hammered to still receive a rose."

Let's get on with it. Nick Viall is the Bachelor. He's arguably the most bachelor Bachelor ever in that he's already dated a comical number of women on national television, slept with them all, and is still a bachelor.

The best previous season clip shown was the one where he read Andi (former Bachelorette) a poem he wrote: "When I see you, I see beauty. When I see you, I see strength. When I see you, I see our future."

Dude, "A" for effort, but that is TERRIBLE. If we picked an 8th grade class at random and asked them to submit love poems, do you think we could pick Nick's from theirs? Not a CHANCE.

OK. We go to Nick's hometown of Waukesha, Wisconsin, which... HEY, I KNOW THAT PLACE. My mom grew up in Wauwautosa. Yes, all the towns in Wisconsin sound like this.

Nick's family seems really nice. They also think this is a great photo of high school Nick:

Dude looks like a vampire. Our Bachelor is a vampire.

At least we know his family loves him blindly unconditionally.

Next, we move on to the most tired Bachelor tradition: Watching former Bachelors (or Bachelorettes) whose post-show relationships promptly failed talk about what made their stint on the show successful.

(Yes, yes, I know Sean Lowe is an exception, but c'mon.)

Anyway, if you're wondering what the Bachelor typically looks like, well:

If you think American Idol produces and The Bachelor producers don't talk, you're kidding yourself.

Ben, last season's Bachelor who got dumped by a firecracker then picked a talking doll, seems pissed. What's wrong with Ben, everyone?

OH, that's right. He's reached the point where it's time to end his Bachelor relationship. Only Ben and Lauren did a spinoff show. So he's stuck. And he's pissed.

Alright, it's time for some introduction montages!

First, we meet Rachel, an attorney from Texas who, apparently, REALLY loves to dance while vacuuming:

There's a good 10 seconds of Rachel vacuuming. That's weird. But other than that, Rachel seems exceedingly put together and normal. But she's not put together and normal. Because she's on this show.

Next, we have Danielle, a nail salon owner from Los Angeles who says she has her career figured out but clearly doesn't because she's on this show. Moving on.

Vanessa is up. She's a special needs teacher from Canada who speaks three languages and seems super put together. We don't know why that's a false statement yet, but it is, because she's on this show.

Next, we have Josephine, a cat lady from Santa Cruz. She's a nursing student, annnnnd she's wearing a form-fitting white nurse oufit. Seriously? Is this Halloween Bachelor? Can anyone verify that Josephine actually intends to be a nurse?

Raven is a girl named Raven from a small town in Arkansas. She shoots guns, reads the bible, and thinks the University of Arkansas sports cheer is her state's main thing. I didn't make any of that up. She's also a fashion boutique owner, BUT THERE ARE NO FASHION BOUTIQUES IN POPULATION 2400 TOWNS, Raven. Where is your boutique?!

(Quick aside: I watch The Bachelor with Amy, Karen, and Billy - three cool and fun and awesome people. I'll sprinkle in their commentary where appropriate.)

Billy enjoyed that Raven made the "Yeahhh, can you maybe walk next to a ditch for us?" shot great again:

On to Corinne. She's a 24-year-old from Miami who leads with the fact that she runs a "multi-million dollar company," and only later mentions it's her dad's business. She has a nanny (yes, for adults) who makes her cucumber snacks because Corinne can't slice her own cucumber. But she DEFINITELY can run a multi-million dollar company.

(Billy: "The beach Corinne is on is not a good beach. There's a ton of shit on it.")

Next, we have Alexis, who says she's weird but actually just seems cool. Most importantly, Alexis LOVES dolphins. We don't actually know what Alexis does, but it doesn't matter, because Alexis is about to steal the show.

Danielle is up. She is a neonatal nurse from Nashville. Hold up... Wait for it... Neonatal Nashville Nurse 'Nielle! (Has any Danielle ever shortened her name to 'Nielle? Whatever. IT WORKS!) She's wearing the clothes that nurses actually wear, and she seems nice.

Next, it's Taylor, a mental health counselor from Seattle who says she works on others' relationships for a living. THAT won't come up at all.

And, finally, Liz. Oh, Liz. She's a doula from Las Vegas who met Nick at a Bachelor couple wedding (yes, it does happen sometimes), slept with him, then didn't give him her number. THAT won't come up at all, either.

On to one of the Bachelor franchise's BEST traditions: The limo entrances. All the contestants cram into a few limos, and come out to meet the Bachelor(ette) one at a time. Some are cautious, some are boring, some are charming, and plenty are utterly embarrassing.

Danielle the nail salon owner is first out of the limos. The last two winners have each been the first one out. They can't possibly do that three seasons in a row, can they? Or do the producers KNOW we're thinking this, and are out to mess with our heads? (Note for my life archives: I'm analyzing Bachelor limo entrance order.)

Christen tells Nick "good luck" with all his other girlfriends. Christen is not going to win. Also, Christen seems drunk already.

(Me to the crew: "What do you think is the average level of drunk?" Amy: "Super drunk.")

One girl does a trust fall. That's solid. Another does an eskimo kiss. That was cute. A bunch tell Nick they wouldn't be there if he wasn't the Bachelor. That's a huge crock of bullshit.

Then Sarah comes running up the driveway:

She tells Nick she figured he'd appreciate another runner-up. It's the best cute burn I've ever heard. Well done, Sarah. Well done.

The line of the night, however, goes to Hailey. She asks Nick what a girl not wearing underwear says. He can't even venture a guess, which is pretty poor form, and says, "I don't know." Hailey responds, "Neither do I."

First of all, holy shit. Well played. Second of all, what if Nick doesn't say "I don't know"? It ruins the whole thing, right? Was this a play on Nick's basicness? THEORIES, PLEASE.

Lacey arrives on a literal camel. Susannah gives him a beard massage, which is weird. Josephine makes them each take a bite out of a raw hot dog, which is SUPER weird. Then Alexis arrives, finally, to save the day.

Alexis is the last entrance. She's wearing a shark costume. She claims it's a dolphin costume. None of this matters, because Dolphin Girl is the best:

Nick comes in and makes his first speech to the group of 30 fame-seekers women who are all there for reasons we probably don't want to know the right reasons.

What I remember about Nick's actual speech: There were words. What I remember about the show during Nick's speech: DOLPHIN GIRL IS ALREADY DRUNK!

Dolphin Girl literaly cannot keep her eyes open. The night has barely even started. Like, 50% chance Dolphin Girl would even be allowed into a bar right now. 30% in New York. 90% in Waukesha, Wisconsin.

The "cocktail party" portion of the evening begins with Nick revealing he is a Green Bay Packers fan...

..............

....... ?!?!?!?! ...........

BEST BACHELOR EVER!!! (For those who know me, you had no doubt I was including this.)

Rachel the Vacuumer is a Cowboys fan. Those two teams don't like each other, but Rachel's cool with it because Rachel seems cool. The conversation is exceedingly normal. Once again, it's unclear why she's here.

Corinne gives Nick a bag of tokens, which she basically tells him is a token of her willingness to do whatever he wants her to do, on command. She seems like a GREAT business leader.

Jasmine starts crying because she can't find a way to talk to him.

(Amy: "DAMNIT. I picked crying girl as my first impression rose.")

None of this matters, though, because DOLPHIN GIRL:

FULL-ON "CANNOT OPEN EYES" MODE! Yes!!! Also, she's drinking a gin & gin - not to be confused with its more reasonable sister, gin & tonic.

Corinne kisses Nick, which prompts another contestant to call her a ho. Liz tells the camera that she thinks Nick doesn't remember her (Note: It's obvious he instantly recognized her) and that she kind of likes that he doesn't remember her because she likes a little mystery. They had sex. And she likes that he doesn't remember. OK, Liz. When they talk, he calls her out for not asking for his number, and she tells him she felt like he had a rep, but after watching him on Bachelor in Paradise felt she understood him so much better. OK, Liz.

It's about time for Nick to hand out the "first impression rose," which is the only rose given out before the night-ending rose ceremony. Think of it like "I heart you" sticker and "Get out of jail free" card having an overly produced baby.

As Nick walks with the rose in hand, we cut to Vanessa saying, "I hate flowers. I honestly hate flowers. But I'd love to get that one."

Seriously? Who hates flowers? And who hates flowers enough to spell it out twice? See? We're starting to break through the "exceedingly normal" facade with this one.

Anyway, Nick gives the first impression rose to Rachel, because Rachel is cool and smart. Rachel, once again, why are you here? Rachel is stoked:

(Amy: "F*** ME. F*** ME. I PICKED THE WRONG GIRL!!)

Meanwhile, back in Dolphin Girl land...

DOLPHIN GIRL!!!

If you think I spent a ton of time trying to capture the worst (best) screencaps, you'd be wrong. Dolphin Girl gave an entire interview without opening her eyes. Well, I mean, her eyes are "open" - just in a way Merriam-Webster never intended open to mean.

We're on to the rose ceremony!

The obvious ones get roses early. Nail Salon Danielle and Neonatal Nashville Nurse 'Nielle both get one. Vanessa gets one and doesn't seem to hate it. Corinne and Raven each get one.

As the roses dwindle, Hailey starts talking shit about Dolphin Girl.

Whoa whoa WHOA, Hailey. Who are you and what have you done for me lately? I'm not sure if you sports at all, but if you haven't looked at the scoreboard lately, you should. DOLPHIN GIRL: 173, Hailey: 0.

Shortly thereafter, the moment we've all been waiting for:

I WILL WATCH AGAIN NEXT WEEK! Also: Dolphin Girl still can't open her eyes.

Josephine gets a rose and acts surprised. Josephine will not win. Hailey gets a rose (ugh). There is one rose left and Liz has not yet gotten a rose.

(Billy: They're gonna keep her because they need her to tell the other girls she's slept with him. They'll be like, "OH SHIT!... so how was it?")

Billy is right and Liz gets the last rose. A bunch of women we don't really know get sent home.

And when they leave, you realize it's like 7am. Just like every cocktail party I've ever been to.

If you don't play in a Bachelor competition, you really need one in your life. If you do, and it's ABC's "official" competition, you deserve something a LOT more fun. Join ours for free here (use the code: BACHELOR):