This is a spoiler-free Bachelor recap. This is also a totally ridiculous Bachelor recap. We run a ridiculous (read: super fun) Bachelor competition, too. It's free. You should join it.
Good Bachelor recaps are like fine wine - they get better with age, illicit muted giggles upon being opened, and have the power to make you feel mildly drunk with even a passing glance.
Years later, you want to open old Bachelor recaps, say, "F*** YASS," and feel justified in knowing you wasted enlivened months of your life with iconic cultural moments and deep human psychology learnings.
Door 1: Episode 2 was lame. Everyone was hammered, Nick was a word slurring machine, Corinne is the Kobe Bryant of Bachelor ball sharing, and there was no rose ceremony.
Door 2: Episode 2 was transcendent and transformative because...
BECAUSEEEE...
FRANCO!!
FRANCO!! is the photographer on this season's first group date, which features Nick taking themed wedding photos with a bunch of women for whom he still needs photos to remember their names.
FRANCO!! is that guy who absolutely crushes clothing that would make lifelong friends pretend they don't know you at parties, and makes you genuinely smile saying absurd phrases Danielle Steele refused to put in her romance novels.
I'd never gotten on board the whole "(s)he is LIVING!" train. Now it's clear I simply never grasped the intended meaning.
FRANCO!! is LIVING, and FRANCO!! won episode 2.
The episode opens with all the women fawning over Nick, which raises an interesting question: Do you think they'd all go crazy for a total dud in this situation?
They literally have nothing else to do. They sit in a house all day with no phones, no TV, and 20 other women there for the exclusive purpose of gaining more Instagram followers winning a guy's heart. In 20 years, we're gonna learn The Bachelor was a modern-day human psychology experiment.
But seriously - how low could we go? An anti-suffrage aspiring WWE star with a pirate eye patch? A dude who openly verbalizes his belief girls have cooties?
You think I'm kidding, I know. But it's all fun and games until Chris Harrison whips out the first group date card and this happens:
What literally happened in the moments before those screencaps was the women being told they're about to learn who's going to spend a few hours with a dude they just met along with 12 other women.
#LOVE!
They get to the photo shoot, and Danielle L looks surprised and asks if they're doing a photo shoot. FRANCO!! picks out outfits for them. Some girls are brides and others are bridesmaids. The bridesmaids are pissed.
Corinne says she's never been a bridesmaid and thinks she's just a natural born bride. Corinne doesn't understand that it doesn't work like that and that being a bridesmaid is about having friends who love you. Corinne doesn't have friends who love her. Corinne probably doesn't have friends.
Vanessa is an 80s bride. Taylor is a princess bride. Alexis (Dolphin Girl) is a shotgun bride, and is disappointed because she thought shotgun bride meant being hot and sexy with guns. But Alexis is the best, and so Alexis OWNS IT:
Hairspray atop the baby bump, gin & gin (Alexis' go-to drink) in hand. Never stop, Alexis. Never stop.
They start taking photos. Some girls look great, and the others say as much. Some girls kiss Nick. This is all entirely too much for Corinne to handle, so she gets smashed by like 10am and then tells the nearest producer that, "Being #1 is better than being #2 or going #2."
It makes you wonder whether Corinne would talk for 24 straight hours to the cameras if the producers allowed her to and/or weren't unionized with a clause that clearly prevents unending torture. Then Corinne says that Brittany better not steal her thunder or she'll literally punch her in the face, and you realize the answer to the previous question is "yes."
Brittany, who did a sexy Adam and Eve-themed shoot where she looked incredible, came back to a standing ovation from the group. Though, it wasn't a unanimous standing ovation, because, well:
Corinne is unstoppable.
Taylor goes next, and, hold on for a moment...
FRANCO!!
The strangeness of this scene is amazing. Think about this guy at an actual wedding. I think my only literal wedding goal is to have FRANCO!! dressed exactly like this at my wedding. Any women reading this and saying "F*** yes!!" please write me immediately.
Taylor and Nick are close, and FRANCO!! says in his most perfect Puerto Rican accent, "Kiss, because this is your moment. This is it. 'I know you from before time.'"
Group consensus is this was a very #LOVE kiss. Corinne can't even. So Corinne decides to take her bikini top off during her shoot and force Nick to hold her boobs.
FRANCO!! loves this, because of course he does, Corinne wins the extra time with Nick, then Corinne tells the camera her dad would be proud of her even though she took her clothes off.
Taylor says she's met girls like Corinne before, and they're not her friends. LET THE BATTLE OF TAYLOR AND CORINNE COMMENCE!
During the evening portion of the group date, it becomes clear that Taylor has a superiority complex, especially with regard to Corinne. It's not good when people on this show have a superiority complex because they think they can handle it (they're on this show) but actually can't (they're on this show).
Corinne remains smashed, and Taylor remains annoyed. This portion of the date is essentially Taylor saying a put-together but subtly back-handed thing, and Corinne doing this:
... followed by Taylor saying a put-together but subtly back-handed thing, and Corinne doing this:
I REALLY thought no one could get as blitzed as Dolphin Girl was in the first episode, but Corinne has demonstrated Olympic-level ability to remain hammered for HOURS.
Taylor ends her night with Nick and tells the cameras, "We didn't kiss, but it was there in the eyeballs." My friend Karen says to our group, "In the eyeballs, but not in the balls balls." Karen is right.
Corinne ends the night by inexplicably getting Nick's group date rose, and literally saying "XOXO Gossip Girl" to the group. None of my friends can believe it. I ask them if Nick is actually super bad at this. Karen says Corinne simply won the worker bee award. Then Varada says maybe Nick was drunk, too.
Oh shit! Great theory! Bachelor rule #7: Never overthink it.
Back at the house, Liz tells Christen about sleeping with Nick before the show, and Christen says she won't tell a soul. Lol.
Then Nick goes on his first one-on-one date with Neonatal Nashville Nurse 'Nielle. They take a helicoper to a hot tub on a yacht for what Nick says is his most normal dating day so far. They talk nicely and seem nice together. Danielle is exceedingly sweet, and despite her reveal that her fiance passed away five years ago, it's still unclear why she's on this show. They ride a ferris wheel and have a #LOVE kiss.
Finally, we have the second group date of the episode, where Nick takes Astrid, Jaimi, Josephine, Christen, Kristina, and Liz to the Museum of Broken Relationships - a tourist trap that's mostly a front for struggling actors looking to be struggling actors.
The group acts out fake breakup scenes with Nick. Astrid is good. Jaimi is good. Josephine gets way too serious. Liz makes me visibly uncomfortable. Then they go to a bar and all get trashed. Nick can't even speak. Drunkest Bachelor ever.
Christen spills to Nick. Liz can't save herself. Nick sends her home. They get more drunk.
WHERE'S FRANCO!!?
The credits roll without a rose ceremony. After the credits, we see Alexis bringing Nick two cupcakes to celebrate her 1-year boob job birthday.
It was a great boobday.
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