This is a spoiler-free Bachelor recap. This is also a totally ridiculous Bachelor recap. We run a ridiculous (read: super fun) Bachelor competition, too. It's free. You should join it.

For the second straight episode, Nick was NOT the coolest MOST #LOVE man in the episode.

Dude is the f***ing Bachelor, and he can't even win his own episodes.

After FRANCO!! won episode 2 in the Bachelor equivalent of a first round knockout, the Backstreet Boys absolutely cleaned house in episode 3.

The runner-up angle has already been beaten to death, but I mean, c'mon man. You're gonna have to win something other than the affections of a teenage 24-year-old blonde sex robot whose programmers forgot to code in every single other useful thing a human can do.

LET'S RECAP!

Nick tells everyone he sent Liz home, and airs out their dirty laundry. No one cares.

Corinne says, "I don't have a problem with Liz going home, especially now that I know she had intercourse with Nick before me," which again makes us wonder if Corinne ever has real conversations with humans outside her nanny and dad.

Then Corinne says she's doing something "nice and thoughtful" for Nick, which in Corinne's world means having Nick lick whipped cream off her boobs. Yes, that is literally her plan.

The cocktail party is boring and finally, after nearly three hours of airtime for a show about giving roses to people, we actually get to the part about giving roses to people.

Corinne sleeps through the ceremony because she's depressed that Nick didn't lick more whipped cream off her boobs. Again, not a joke.

Alexis gets a rose because she's f***ing great, then does this:

Have I mentioned that Alexis is the best?

Vanessa says she's concerned, which, man, does this shit really get to everyone? Of course you're getting a rose, Vanessa. Chill.

Josephine gets a rose and, once again, is surprised. Once again, Josephine will not win.

It's getting down to it, and Hailey, who has done nothing but talk shit about other people, is starting to freak out. She says, "I'm a catch. I know my worth, so I deserve it. I know that I deserve a rose."

You know what's awesome? Logic that begins with the fact you're the absolute best. Such clarity!

Nick sends a bunch of blondes - Hailey, Elizabeth, and Lacey - home, further paving the way for it to be 11 non-blondes and blonde sex robot Corinne. Can't wait.

The next morning, the women learn the group date is going to involve the Backstreet Boys. They start flipping out, then BSB walks in and they absolutely lose their shit.

This is how the women look at BSB:

Do you think Nick watched this back and thought, "F***. Has anyone EVER looked at me like that? Would every single girl in the room have gone on this show purely to meet the Backstreet Boys?"

Yes. The answer is yes, Nick.

In other news, BSB actually looks pretty good:

I'm convinced 99 percent of BSB screencaps end up like this: Some blurriness, some turned heads, and BAM - Nick Carter smiling directly at the camera.

They head off on the group date, which is rehearsing BSB choreography and then performing it live that night.

Corinne sucks at dancing and says she isn't a crybaby, then starts crying for the second time in two days. She says, "I don't do well with dancing. I have a very bad short term memory." More qualities of a GREAT BUSINESS LEADER.

Jasmine and Danielle L are good dancers. The others try hard. Corinne does not. They rock out the live performance, which admittedly looks super fun:

BSB picks Danielle L as having the best chemistry with Nick. They solo dance and make out to an a capella version of that one song where BSB is wearing trenchcoats on an airport runway.

At the group date's evening portion, Jasmine wonders aloud, "How do you have all that energy for whipped cream but can't stand there to get your rose?" Jasmine is rad.

Then Corinne reveals that she has a nanny, and everything suddenly makes sense for the other women, in the way a malfunctioning sex robot who needs a human to help her live makes sense.

Danielle L gets the group date rose, because Nick liked touching her butt. We saw that, Nick.

Vanessa gets the next one-on-one, which is a Zero G flight with Nick. This is the thing where you fly up and down super quickly in an airplane, and the down part makes you float like an astronaut in space.

Nick and Vanessa feel like this:

Then Vanessa does this:

Then they MAKE OUT ANYWAY BECAUSE #LOVE:

As the date moves into the evening portion, it's clear that Vanessa is the definite frontrunner.

Her date segment is at least three times as long as Danielle M's date segment was. And at the end, Nick cries because Vanessa makes him "feel very excited about all of this."

By the way, when's the last time YOU cried on a first date and got a second date? Seriously, write me if this has happened to you.

Whatever. This is the exception. The Bachelor has never been more #REAL.

On to the second group date of the episode.

The women get a hint that it's gonna be something athletic, and Brittany, the girl who wore the leaf on the photoshoot date but whom we know nothing else about, makes a HUGE leap up the coolness standings.

She nearly spills her full glass of wine and yells, "We're playing some sports shit? HELL YES. THIS IS SPORTS. HELL YES."

She's holding that wine glass like she's gonna punch somebody with it. Brittany is cool. We're putting her No. 3 right now, behind Alexis (QUEEN) and Jasmine.

They compete in a "Nick-athlon" and do sports things. Jaimi's long jump makes you wonder whether she's legitimately handicapped. My friend Joe texts me, "If you add their jumping level and reading level together, they've reached 5th grade proficiency."

Alexis, Rachel, and Astrid are the three finalists, and they square off in a 100-meter dash to determine who gets to sit in a hot tub with Nick.

(Another note for the life annals: I just wrote that sentence.)

Rachel wins the dash, but then fails to grab the giant ring at the finish line:

Astrid, who ran something like a 25-second dash, picks up the ring, runs to the hot tub with Nick, and bites his lip a few seconds into their first real kiss. Bold move, Astrid. Bold move.

While they're making out, this is how Dominique feels:

My god. THAT is a face. The producers can't doctor that shit.

Dominique is wayyyy into her own head, and Nick sends her home that night.

Alexis also makes out with Nick on a mat featuring his shirtless body because Alexis is the absolute best and this competition ended weeks ago.

The next day, Chris Harrison reduces his salary-per-minute-of-screentime number to only $500,000 by informing the women Nick is forgoing the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party in favor of a pool party.

Corinne sets up her own bouncy house and invites Nick to romp around with her in it. Nick accepts, and this screencap is a metaphor for Nick f***ing up everything with all the other women:

Afterward, a bunch of women call him out on it. Vanessa REALLY calls him out on it.

Frontrunner Vanessa looks at Nick like this:

The Backstreet Boys would NEVER play games with Vanessa's heart, Nick.

Never.

If you don't play in a Bachelor competition, you really need one in your life. If you do, and it's ABC's "official" competition, you deserve something a LOT more fun. Join ours for free here: