Per usual, your comments speak for themselves. Sometimes you leave me no choice but to wonder, "Is this really a football pool?" Then I think, "Yeah, the best damn football pool around."
12. Rishi Khanna (Jets): I'm a Giants fan... and I'm putting my faith on the Jets. This is akin to giving your neighbor - the one who leaves his lawnmower running all the time and regularly backs his car over toys that could have been children - a handle of Jack and asking him to babysit your kids for the weekend while you and the wife watch from your bedroom window. Was it Kierkegaard or Dick Van Patten who said, "F*** IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"?
Commish says: Rishi, you bought two handles of Jack, right? I ask because I assume you had to drink the first one to make this pick. Also, this sounds like a fantastic idea.
11. Amanda Ross (Broncos): Despite all recent successes, the Browns are just terrible. Everything about them sucks. Their colors suck. The name of the team sucks - what even is a "Brown?" The city of Cleveland sucks. I'm a Bengals fan. My parents just moved to Indianapolis within spitting distance from the House That Peyton Built. It's really cool on the inside and I'd like my Dad to use his corporate discount to buy me tickets to a Colts game. I also hear Peyton is a swinger. God bless you and your paralyzed hands, Peyton.
Commish says: When Peyton retires, where will he get his thrills? Valid question, right? Large forehead competitions? Trolling Donald Brown? Bless you, Amanda, for beginning to provide the answer.
10. Tate Adams (Vikings): I'm drinking until I forget the 1999 NFC championship.
Commish says: Being from Minnesota, let me assure you, Gary Anderson's miss in the 1999 NFC Championship is second only to JFK in the Minnesota "Where were you when...?" standings.
9. Cy Fleming (Packers): Brett. F***ing. Favre. I miss the good old days of watching "4th quarter Favre" down two scores, jersey untucked, turf in his face mask, launching it into triple coverage on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd down only to scramble for it and dive head first on 4th and 10. Aaron Rodgers, on the other hand, I dunno. It's like rooting for a robot. He wins, I'll give him that. Kinda boring though. Packers fans should be able to grant me this. Commish?
Commish says: (Furiously nodding head yes) ... (Furiously nodding head no) ... (OK, f*** it, furiously nodding head yes again)
8. Austen Montero (Falcons): I'm on the Falcons because... In the past week, every team I root for has lost, some multiple times: LA Kings, LA Dodgers, Nebraska Cornhuskers. My personal computer took a big fat sh** on my face and lost a massive work file that I had to spend two days reconstructing using bits and pieces of data that were recovered after I paid $200 to a small man who says "wirus" instead of "virus" - as in "eet's not a wirus, eets your drrrive. I paid another $350 on top of that to get the computer fixed. I'm not sleeping well, I have no sex drive, and my cat f***ing hates me. I have all but given up on life. Last Friday my power was out for hours, so my friend made me go to a strip club. The first one didn't let us in because it was so slow they were sending the girls home. The second one had sent all its girls to a sister-club called Plan B, and gave us free entry there! But Plan B is a bikini bar and had no ATM. So we went to the fourth one, a strip club with 1.4 stars on Yelp. I didn't even like it. So, yeah... THIS is the spark I need. The fire in my loins. I CAN'T lose. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes - or to get out of crippling debt. So, I refuse to believe I have any bad luck left in my system - I'm taking the Falcons' 5-0 and I'm running straight to the finish line with it, much like Devonta Freeman has run straight into my broken, black heart.
Commish says: AUSTEN, YOUR NEXT 14 BUD LIGHT LIMES ARE ON ME.
7. Brandon Barbour (Jets): When I was a kid, I visited the Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum. Kid Me was mesmerized, and he knew right then and there that he wanted to fly. Plus, I bought one of the magazines from the gift shop, and the back picture had a fighter jet emblazoned with "Kick Ass" across the bottom. There it was: Me piloting kick-ass machines with guns. Men to fear me, ladies to love me. Ultra macho. Unfortunately, Kid Me grew up, got bigger, and realized plus-sized jet cockpits weren't a thing. Maybe in the future... I hear it's the politically correct thing to do. But THIS WEEK - this week, I can keep that childhood flame alight by picking the Jets, and the many plus-sized behemoths on that defensive line. Imagine the Jets D-Line flying fighter jets. Some day...">
Commish says: I have a contact at Universal, Brandon. Just say the words. Perhaps you weren't born to fly, but you were DEFINITELY born to make this movie.
6. Rob Hunter (Broncos): Commish, I've always wondered why you do this. Is it because you had too much time on your hands? For love of the game? For a more socially acceptable outlet for your creative energies than writing Rodgers/Favre fan fiction? But now I know what it is. You use your inside information from BFIG to play survival at all the other leagues. FJHG (Fred Jackson Has Gotta Survival [one more season]), TTWNBAQBA (Tim Tebow Will Never Be a QuarterBack Again), and of course, IYTYGFTDCJAYNG (If You Told Your GirlFriend To Draft CJ Anderson You're Not Gonna Survival). You're just pimping us out for our stats, so you can be the smartest guy in some other league. And the best part is that you'll never get caught, because it's never the smartest one who wins - it's the one who woke up and decided that a Moxie Drumstick™ just wasn't good enough for them on exactly the right Sunday.
Commish says: Hey Rob, would love to hang sometime. What's your number? And, what the hell, what's your address? Like, your physical location right now? Would my hitman I be able to identify you? See you soon!
5. Rob Norwood (Patriots): I pulled a "Chewbacca" out of a shower drain this weekend. A nearly two-foot long putrid, woven amalgam of hair, skin, high-priced conditioner, drain babies, algae and other organics. Like the Patriots, you can't stop them once they truly begin to coalesce. Sure, David Tyree may come along once in a while with a screwdriver and a pair of salad-tongs, but generally speaking the Patriots happen, like it or not. You see? Not one F-bomb this week. I'm "Family-Friendly Plumbing Advice" Rob Norwood, and I have cable.
Commish says: Rob Norwood, ladies and gentlemen!
4. Noah Rosen (Jets): The Washington Redskins are softer than the lead male in a Sandra Bullock romcom. They have the backbone of a limp sock.
Commish says: I almost excluded this comment due to improper usage of the Washington Dumpster Fire team name, but I mean... any comment that sensibly ties together Sandra Bullock, the NFL, and a limp sock backbone is pretty damn good.
3. Nick Gaughan (Patriots): Let me wait no further to introduce to you... the Hedge of Happiness. As a TERRIFIED Colts fan, I have no other choice than to implement the HoH. As we continue to stumble through the cupcake division known as the AFC south, the Pats have rolled through their first 4 games with a rampaging look similar to Rick Grimes from the Walking Dead. Therefore, the Hedge of Happiness here is simple: If the Pats win as expected, I quietly move on to the next round. If the Pats lose, I gracefully bow out with a Colts W in hand. Did I just make a Walking Dead reference?
Commish says: The Hedge of Happiness! Brilliant!! We have a new BFIG mainstay for decades to come.
2. Levi Preiner (Broncos): (D)enver (B)roncos vs (C)leveland (B)rowns = DB vs CB = Defensive Back vs Cornerback. !!!!!!!!BRONCOS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!! because defensive backs include safeties. Browns Lose because their best corner is Tramon Williams, who got released by the Packers, and the Packers know when to let go. (See: Brett Favre). Pickles for everyone.
Commish says: How many deep, Levi? How many?
1. Casey Reimers (Seahawks): I figured Tinder could accurately predict my team’s fate, so I used “Seahawks game and chill?” as my Tinder pickup line. These are some of the responses the Seahawks got. Note: 1: "Seahawks game and die of loneliness?" 2: "Russell Wilson sucks balls, no wonder why Ciara won't f*** him. Marshawn Lynch is on roids and your defense can't even stop Andy f***ing Dalton." 3: "No I prefer Netflix and chill." (probably calling her) 4: "So I lie and say hell yes? Or be honest and say I have no clue what goes on during a football game? Lol I can make you food while you watch." (Definitely calling her) 5: "Are you asking me a question?" 6: "Lol. Absolutely." Given the quality of responses, and the fact that the wealth of non responses can basically be tallied as intimidation points, I feel very comfortable saying the Seahawks are coming out ahead this week. I will report back on whether I come out ahead... with Tinder girl #4.
Commish says: This either becomes the new hottest Tinder trend, or becomes the greatest failed experiment in Tinder history. No matter the outcome, you're a winner on this day, Casey. We eagerly await your report.