ALLOW ME TO BEGIN WITH A PHOTOGRAPH:

This is the most Corinne screencap in Corinne television history. Corinne is smashed. Corinne is gloating. CORINNE IS EATING THE F***ING ROSE.

How can you not be on team Corinne at this point? She's won, right? Denying her greatness would be like calling MJ's tongue-out driving an annoying attention grab instead of talking about, um, his sheer destruction of every other player on the court.

Corinne's gonna dominate the discussion. Corinne's gonna cast #LOVE (sex? #LOVE.) spells on Nick. Corinne's gonna eat her rose. And Corinne's gonna ask Raquel to go to the market and get her a new rose because she forgot that once she ate the rose she wouldn't have it anymore.

The episode starts with Taylor - the 23-year-old mental health counselor who thought it'd be a good idea to go on a tv show known almost exclusively for making people say and do crazy shit - saying something about speaking her truth.

Taylor thinks Nick made the wrong choice by choosing Corinne over her. Taylor's truth looks something like this:

Taylor storms in on Nick and Corinne's date and says, "Corinne, you lied today." Corinne says, "OK." Nick agrees to go talk with Taylor because his #LOVE contract says he must always agree, and Corinne begins formulating her one liner designed to absolutely slay Taylor:

Taylor tells Nick that he's been lied to, that he's been manipulated, and that he needs to open his eyes. Nick is 14 years older than Taylor. This goes over realy well.

Nick thanks Taylor in the way you thank a barista who clearly f***ed up your order and returns to his date with Corinne, who somehow went from tipsy to hammered in a matter of 10 minutes.

You know what goes well with Corinne and hammered? ONE-LINERS:

"I've learned that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two." SLAY, CORINNE. SLAY!

We then cut to Whitney, who is in fact a person on this show. Whitney has made it five whole episodes without teaching us a single meaningful thing about her.

You might think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. BUT, this episode was Whitney's time to shine. Whitney got at least 100X the camera time she's received in the first five episodes combined.

This was exciting! Whitney, take it away!

"Going into the cocktail party, I feel like my biggest fear is not having a 1-on-1 and not getting enough time like everyone else has. I feel like I'm falling behind the other relationships."

...

Nothing! We know nothing!

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison tells the women that there will be no cocktail party because Nick "knows exactly what he wants to do."

I was prepared to hear Vanessa non-sensically declare she was worried (again). I wanted Alexis to talk some shit. Instead... INSTEAD...

"I'm so scared. I'm terrified. I don't know if I'm going to be going home, and I'm not ready to go home yet. I think if I do go home tonight, I will always wonder what could have happened if I got that 1-on-1 time or got more time with him. If my name is not called, I will be shocked."

...

We know nothing!!!

With one rose left, it's down to Jaimi, Josephine, Alexis QUEEN, and Whitney. We know Jaimi and Josephine are going home, so it's really down to Alexis QUEEN and Whitney.

Let's recap: Alexis is the coolest person to ever appear on a Bachelor show. She is QUEEN. Whitney is... I'm trying, people. I really am.

Nick picks Whitney. While other girls start insta-bawling, Alexis QUEEN looks like this:

And Nick looks at her like this:

As he hugs her goodbye, Nick says, "You already know you're amazing."

I'M NICK AND I LOVE OBVIOUSNESS, RHETORICAL QUESTIONS, AND NOT FINDING #LOVE BECAUSE OF SHIT EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

(I need a minute.)

OK, it's now down to nine women, and Whitney is really happy:

"I'm so excited. And I'm totally relieved that I got a rose tonight, and I feel like I have a good chance of getting a 1-on-1. I'm excited to see what can happen now."

...

(Commish pulling hair out.)

They fly to St. Thomas and jump straight to the next one-on-one date. Nick chooses Kristina, and Jasmine, who hasn't had a date yet with Nick, is really upset.

"It's hard to see someone you see a future with go off with someone else."

I feel it's appropriate to reiterate that Jasmine has never been on a date with Nick. The Bachelor has never been more #REAL.

Nick tells us he's excited to go on this date with Kristina. Nick's like, "I'm excited":

Then Nick's like, "I'm excited because I don't really know Kristina and I want to know her. And this is the face I make when, gee golly, I'm excited":

On the date, things get serious pretty quickly. Kristina tells Nick her backstory, and goodness is it a backstory.

She ran away from home after her alcoholic mom yelled at her for eating lipstick when she instructed Kristina to eat nothing for the entire day, was raised in a foster home in Russia for 12 years, then left that home (her family, basically) to come to America and begin a new life for herself.

Through this all, Kristina remains amazingly composed:

Nick, on the other hand, looks like this:

Kristina recalls a crucible moment in her teens: "My teacher told me, 'If you choose to stay in Russia, your life will be in black and white. If you go to America, it will be in color.'

Kristina is a badass. Nick gives her a rose. And, admittedly, Nick redeems himself with this absolute gem of a line: "You talked about how that one person told you if you stay in Russia it's gonna be black and white; if you come here it's gonna be in color. When I'm with you, I feel like you bring color to my life."

OH FINE, NICK. YOU GET ON WITH YOUR BACHELOR SELF.

Kristina is also quite happy with this line:

The group date happens, and it's beach volleyball where two teams are competing to spend more time with Nick. They're all awful at volleyball. None of them have fun at volleyball. They're all drunk.

Corinne's like "f*** this and hug me and touch my boobs." Rachel is like "I don't feel valued." Danielle M is like "You missed your chance." Vanessa is like "I don't have time for this." Corinne is like "WAAAAAAA!!!"

Then I ate a bunch of Cheetos and didn't really pay attention and nothing happened so we're good. I came out of Cheetos coma just in time to understand Whitney and Danielle L are going on a 2-on-1 date and... OH HEY WHITNEY, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

"I feel confident in myself. I don't feel confident in what Nick's thinking. I'm trying to understand why he put us both on these dates. I need more. Like, I need more depth - more than just surface level. I want to know what he's thinking; I want him to communicate how he's feeling about me."

...

(How much longer?)

The 2-on-1 consists of Nick sitting on a beach with two women who like to smile. One of them owns a nail salon and thinks family and friends are important. The other one is Whitney.

"You know, I'm a little nervous because somebody is going home today, and I'm not 100% confident that I'm staying. So I feel like it's a pressured situation."

Then this happens:

... which officially means Whitney leaves the show having set a world record for most words spoken without saying anything at all.

Back at the house, the women speculate as to what's happening:

Why such speculation must always feature three women in a bed is unclear to me, but MOVING ON.

Since Danielle L "won" the 2-on-1, her and Nick now get to spend more time together.

Danielle L is terrified. You can see it. It's unclear why Nick would bring her on this date, given he spends the whole dinner looking super uncomfortable.

Danielle says, "Dancing has kind of become our thing. It's fun." NICK LOOKS LIKE THIS:

Danielle says, "You love the social aspect of life - hanging out with friends and being close to your family. That's something I feel like I have, too."

DANIELLE LOOKS LIKE THIS:

Nick, in full hail mary mode, asks, "If you took out communication, and you couldn't say honesty because let's assume those are must haves, what are one or two words that'd be a way to describe the type of relationship you'd want?"

Danielle, face full of terror, says, "Love, trust.. (laugh).. what about you?"

NICK LOOKS LIKE THIS:

Nick tells Danielle that it's hard because from the moment he met her, he felt like it should work with her, and he wanted it to work, but his heart just isn't there.

My friend Amy decided to translate: "I wanted to put my head in your boobies."

Thank you, Amy.

That makes it six women Nick has sent home in this episode. Dude is understandably reeling a bit. For some inexplicable reason, he decides to go talk with the women right after sending Danielle L home. This is how it goes:

Nick leaves, and the women are all like, "he's questioning things." I'm like, "NO HE'S NOT! He's sending everyone home that he doesn't like enough!" Get at me, producers. You can't faze me.

But Kristina has a point: "He has 6 women left, and he's still questioning whether this is going to work for him."

Nick, you have to get your shit together, man.

Danielle M sums up the group sentiment:

And my friend Amy says, "GROUP ORGY!!!"

Thank you, Amy.

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