Because The Bachelor is 21st century America's greatest time capsule - the pop culture treasure that future generations will use to paint a picture of who we were and why society progressed the way it did - allow Commish and Rachel to explain our current state of affairs...

BEYONCÉ'S "LEMONADE" DID NOT WIN ALBUM OF THE YEAR.

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, ANSWERS QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY HE BLATANTLY LIES BY SAYING "I WAS GIVEN THAT INFORMATION."

YOU, RACHEL LINDSAY, ALMOST GOT ENGAGED TO NICK VIALL INSTEAD OF BECOMING THE BACHELORETTE.

This week's episode was overshadowed by the announcement - on Jimmy Kimmel - that Rachel will be our next Bachelorette. Aside from being the first black Bachelor OR Bachelorette, Rachel is also in the running for smartest, most sane, and most "wait, WHY ARE YOU HERE?" Bachelor(ette) in history.

Of course, this also means Rachel goes home at some point, which means Blonde Sex Robot Corinne is officially one of three women who will win The Bachelor.

Hey future generations, you're getting this shit, right? Right?! LET'S RECAP!!

The episode begins with two bros having deep conversations on a beach:

One bro - the reason for this conversation - has made a career out of failing to find love on overly produced television shows. He's worried this overly produced television show will end up just like all the others, and he'd told his six remaining girlfriends that the previous night.

The second bro - definitely not the reason for this conversation but in some ways absolutely the reason for this conversation - has made a career out of narrating failed quests to find love on overly produced television shows. Well, narrating failed quests, and listening to the protagonists of failed quests like this:

Nick says a lot of words and furrows a lot of brows. Chris Harrison looks at him and says, "You're scared, bro." Nick soaks in his sensei's words and says, "Yeah, bro."

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the six remaining women are debating what Nick is thinking and feeling. Raven's like, "It would be heartbreaking if he didn't find someone." Rachel's like, "I'd be devastated if he quit." Vanessa's like "I don't want him to let this past enter into this." Danielle's' like "Mmhmm."

Then Nick barges in unannounced and Corinne's like, "OH HAI HOW'S MY HAIR?"

Nick looks at the floor a bunch and narrowly avoids more mumbleweeping. He pulls it together to utter the line he's been practicing for six months: "I've been that close before. I just don't want to get that close anymore. I want to get all the way there."

The women, not realizing that Nick is talking about performance issues instead of his quest for #LOVE, let out a collective sigh of relief.

Raven's like:

Vanessa's like:

Then Nick says that, instead of a cocktail party and rose ceremony, they should get the f*** out of the touristy island they're currently on and jetset to another touristy island not really that far away.

Once again, the women are jazzed. Vanessa morphs into Miss Cleo and is like:

Corinne morphs into Corinne and is like:

They get to Bimini, and if it was unclear before how Bachelor contestants feel when crucial date cards are about to be revealed, this should provide some clarity:

Nick chooses Vanessa for the first 1-on-1 date of the week. She's the first woman to get a second date Nick and wastes no time flexing her front-runner status by telling Nick she didn't think he would care so much about sending home two women not as cool as her the day before.

Vanessa tells Nick to get his shit together all the time. Nick has yet to get his shit together. This may prove consequential in a few weeks.

Back at the hotel, Corinne, the blonde sex robot who hasn't had sex in a long time and is running out of other robots women to dog on, starts dogging on Vanessa. Corinne says, "When I talk to her, all I get is 'My family is Italian and we get together every Sunday and we make pasta. I'm a special needs teacher.' It's the same thing over and over again. How much depth does Vanessa have?"

Rachel, who is a cool human and not a sex robot, responds to Corinne like this:

Back to the date. Vanessa and Nick visit some shipwreck and go snorkeling. Vanessa, who is smart and driven and pretty, says, "Nick is someone that I always thought existed, but never thought I'd meet. And now today, I feel like the luckiest person ever."

What the f***, Vanessa.

We learn this is Vanessa's first time snorkeling, and STILL, in what is the perfect metaphor for their relationship, Vanessa's like "YO, NICK, LET'S GO" while Nick is like "Hey hi hold me":

In the date's evening portion, Vanessa tells the camera that she's gonna tell Nick she's falling in love with him.

She says she knows it's the right thing to do because, "I would love to say, 'I think,' but I know that Nick is feeling the same way."

Vanessa tells him, they #LOVE kiss, then Nick shits all over the moment by saying he has to take it slow.

"I've been in love before. I've said 'I love you' in this situation before. But I'm looking for the type of love I've never had before," he says, at the moment we all realize he's been rehearsing TONS of awful amazing lines for six straight months.

Nick then tells Vanessa, "I really really like you," and looks like this:

Vanessa looks like this:

Nick concludes by saying, "If I'm lucky enough to say 'I love you,' I want it to feel like I'm saying it for the first time."

WELCOME TO THE NICK VIALL LOVE SONNETS. PLEASE TAKE A PROGRAM. THERE WILL BE A SHORT INTERMISSION DURING WHICH REFRESHMENTS AND BARF BAGS WILL BE SERVED. HAVE A ROSEY EVENING AND ENJOY THE SHOW.

The week's only group date includes Raven, Kristina, and Corinne, who are apparently auditioning for a Nautica Tommy Hilfiger commercial:

We spend a good 30 seconds watching Nick rub sunblock all over Kristina while Corinne has a mild panic attack. Nick says, "Have to make sure you get the inner thigh," which isn't a thing people ever say.

He then tells the women they're going to be swimming with sharks, and everyone wonders why the f*** the producers didn't insist Nick keep Dolphin Girl Alexis around for this exact moment.

Corinne asks if they'll be in cages and Nick says no. Corinne then asks if the sharks will be toothless.

Raven, who definitely heard Corinne's question, tells the camera that, "the person with the best chance of being eaten today is Corinne. Kristina is next, because she's a little scared. Sharks can smell fear."

Sharks can smell fear, and Commish can smell BADASS.

Raven continues: "I will punch a shark in the face. And if the other two girls get eaten, well, then I get the rose."

In the date's evening portion, Corinne tells Raven that she copes with being nervous by eating cheese. It's the most normal thing Corinne has said all season.

Raven gets some alone time with Nick and asks if he's nervous about going home to meet the women's families. She asks, "Are you nervous about meeting all the dads? Any good daddy or brother is gonna ask you hard questions?"

Nick says, "You call your dad, 'Daddy'?" Raven says, "Mmhmm," and looks like this:

Nick's like I'M DRUNK AGAIN:

Nick chooses Raven for the date's group rose - meaning she's assured to take Nick home to meet her family - and, when he hugs the other two women, Kristina is like "F*** THAT SHIT, NICK."

Nick and Raven head to a concert by white dudes with guitars singing the most Bachelor song ever: "What if I never fell in love last May? What if I did? What if I didn't? What if we never got drunk that day? Talking 'bout shit I'll never forget."

They have a SUPER #LOVE kiss, and for the first time all season, it looks as if someone not named Vanessa or Rachel might win Nick's heart.

Whoever it is, at least they'll never have to wonder "what if" as it pertains to getting drunk that day. Because Nick is always drunk.

The next date is with Danielle. It's extremely boring except for the SPORTS. They play basketball with some local kids, and look at Danielle's height advantage:

You locked in that visual, right? Danielle's like Manute Bol and the kids are like Spud Webb. For the basketball unitiated, it's like Full House Bob Sagat vs. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

On the SAME sequence pictured above, this happens:

... HOW THE F*** DOES SHE GET STUFFED?!

Danielle. Level with Commish here. Just hold the ball above their heads and drop it in the hoop! Danielllllleeeeeeeeee.

Nick says he and Danielle are struggling to have a natural conversation, which seems wild given the context. He gazes out onto the water - keep in mind they've been on islands for weeks now - and says, "That's kind of pretty." Great job, Nick.

Nick tries to bring it around in the date's evening portion. He tells Danielle that maybe their relationship feels so natural because, "we're just two Wisconsin kids." While this seems cheesy, Minnesotan Commish would like to say it's absolutely true. I meet a woman from Minnesota and instantly assume she's a delightful and funny person who goes and gets what she wants in life and most DEFINITELY can dunk on little children.

Nick continues trying to convince himself he likes Danielle by saying, "It's so easy to talk to you, and then, you know, your face is pretty great."

Danielle, perhaps feeling history is repeating itself metaphorically, says, "The last time I was in love with someone, they died."

Nick sends Danielle home. We all want Danielle - who seems super genuine and nice - to find someone. Commish wants Danielle to play better basketball.

We've finally arrived at the most previewed scene in Bachelor television history: Corinne attempting to sleep with Nick after announcing that her heart is gold, but her "vagine" is platinum.

Corinne feels her relationship with Nick is behind the others'. This is probably true. And since Corinne is a sex robot, the answer to every problem is to have sex.

But before she has sex, she strides into Nick's hotel lobby and looks straight at the damn camera:

If you think that's a "Oh wow, didn't expect you to be here!" look, you are wrong. If you think that's an "I'm nervous; am I making the right move?" look, you are wrong.

If you think that's a "Hey, Kobe, how's my ass taste?" look, you are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

Nick lets Corinne in his room, and she says, "I just wanted to pop over to see if you're OK, and let you know I'm here for you." OK, Corinne.

She jumps on him and tells him they should go to his bed. Nick is reluctant. We don't see anything beyond that point, but this is pretty much all you need to know:

Corinne the Sex Robot returns to lamenting why her code was compiled incorrectly while Rachel goes on the week's final 1-on-1 date.

Her and Nick get to talking about her dad again, who is a legit federal judge. Nick says, "Samuel?" and Rachel says, "Sam. I call him Sammy, but I wouldn't do that. It's a term of endearment."

Nick says, "Mr Lindsey. Sir." Rachel confirms, "Sirs will take you far."

They have a good time and seem to really enjoy each other's company, as has been true the entire season. Rachel says, "I play sports but I don't play games," and it's quite evident that Rachel would dunk all over small children as well as Nick Viall.

With only one more woman to send home before hometowns, it seems clear it's between Corinne and Kristina. Nick, who apparently never wants to do another rose ceremony, comes to the hotel and asks for Kristina. He's like "you should sit down" and she's like DON'T YOU F***ING DO IT, NICK.

Nick tells her, "I have such a love for you, but right now, I don't feel like there's the 'in love.'"

WE'VE REACHED OUR INTERMISSION. PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEATS IN 10 MINUTES, OR DON'T BECAUSE THIS SHIT ISN'T GETTING ANY BETTER.

Kristina tells Nick he didn't give her a fair chance, which is probably true. Nick basically says, "tough shit," and we're down to our final four.

The four remaining women wonder about what's next. Will there be a rose ceremony? Will he send another woman home, leaving just three hometown dates? "Nick is very unpredictable," Corinne says. "I'm sick right now."

But then ABC's official Bachelor game - run by the same damn people who air the show - ruined it by awarding hometown points after the show. Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, and Corinne will get hometown dates next week.

You know why ABC ruined it? Because ABC'S BACHELOR GAME SUCKS. You know what doesn't suck? The SZN's Bachelor competition!

Join the movement so you're locked in for The Bachelorette. Yes, it's a movement, people.