You know that game telephone, where someone thinks of a word or short sentence, whispers it to the next person, and on it goes down the line until the last person completely butchers whatever it was the first person said? Imagine if we did that with Bachelor episode recaps.
IMAGINE IT. I think I just invented the world's greatest drinking game. No, I don't know what the rules are. No, the rules don't really matter. ROSÉ AND CHAMPAGNE ONLY. CHEESE ACCEPTABLE.
And with that, I present to you Commish's latest invention: LIMITED RECALL BACHELOR RECAPS! These are recaps written a minimum of three days later, without the ability to re-watch the show, having only paid marginal attention to the original airing due to excessive ice cream and Cheetos consumption.
After I write the recap, I go find some photos, secretly terrified I wrote a recap about episode 3 instead of episode 9. JK EVERY EPISODE IS THE SAME, SO YAHTZEE!
I'm excited. Are you excited? ROSÉ AND CHAMPAGNE ONLY. CHEESE ACCEPTABLE.
We begin with... f***, this is already extremely difficult. Brb, let me get some coffee...
WE BEGIN WITH ANDI AT NICK'S HOTEL ROOM DOOR. Of course we begin here, because everyone knows that when you're about to embark on fantasy suite dates with your three girlfriends, you must first receive an unexpected visit from the ex-girlfriend who dumped you after your embarrassing fantasy suite performance date.
Nick's like "You want a drink?" because Nick, and Andi's like "Yeah, whiskey," because power play.
Andi and Nick talk about #LOVE. Nick speaks diplomatic nothingness, which if you've been watching this season, is one of Nick's only two modes of communication. The other mode? MUMBLEWEEPING! Commish is completely over Nick.
Being over Nick is made way easier because, unlike Nick, Andi is actually interesting. She speaks the whole time with a slightly raised eyebrow and a look of "You remember when I dumped you, right? Lol. Do you like me more than any of these women? Lol." on her face. It's glorious.
As they're talking, we cut to clips of the four remaining women getting annihilated by New York winter as they walk to the rose ceremony.
Raven looks like you'd expect her to look (frozen). Rachel looks pretty alright because she's a badass. (Translation: Commish doesn't remember!!) Vanessa looks uncomfortable and scared because Vanessa is always uncomfortable and scared and it's super weird because Vanessa is totally gonna win and everyone knows it except her.
Then there's Corinne. Her dress, which has two very high slits because Corinne, morphs into a bikini in the New York wind and, you know what, we actually feel kind of bad for Corinne. Do we like Corinne? We absolutely like Corinne. WHAT IS LIFE?
Corinne's nose is also running like whoa and her cheeks look frozen solid. Hey cameraperson, go easy on Corinne. Seriously. Have you ever lived outside LA? Winter is real. Shit's mean. Stop being mean.
Andi leaves, Nick talks to the camera about... I was eating Cheetos... and we've arrived at exactly the second rose ceremony in the last eight hours of programming.
This is a show about giving out roses. And we've had two such events in the last EIGHT HOURS.
(Birdie on my shoulder: This show isn't really about giving out roses. Me: DRINK MORE ROSÉ, BIRDIE.)
Even though we know Rachel doesn't win because she's the next Bachelorette, there's no way Rachel goes home right now because producers have given us ZERO indication she might go home. The Bachelor isn't a complex show, everyone. Don't overthink it.
Raven gets a rose. Rachel gets a rose. It's down to Vanessa and Corinne. Vanessa looks positively terrified because, remember, Vanessa doesn't understand she's gonna win and thus actually believes Nick is torn between picking her and picking a malfunctioning blonde sex robot.
Corinne looks one step away from total meltdown, because Corinne, somehow, amazingly, what am I about to say, oh god, is maybe more emotionally intelligent than Vanessa? This cannot be. I take it back! (I don't take it back.)
Nick picks Vanessa, whose teeth are really white (get at me, memory!), and Corinne moves from "one step away" to "engage total meltdown."
She starts sobbing while standing in place. Nick, understanding the other women aren't gonna console Corinne, moves in to ask if he can walk her out.
This was the most enlightening part of the episode for Commish because, I'm not sure if you noticed, but Nick did not give a shit. He clearly had fun with Corinne, but his goodbye to her indicated there was zero emotional depth to his connection with her.
And that makes Nick and the producers' journey with Corinne kind of cruel. On the bright side, the fact that the majority of people who've watched the whole season now like Corinne makes her turn on the Bachelor one of the more remarkable feats in reality television history.
Au revoir, Corinne. We'll see you again very soon.
ON TO THE FANTASY SUITES! Raven is first, which means we're probably running back the same date order we had for hometowns (Raven-Rachel-Vanessa). The producers have given up.
Commish is trying REALLY hard to remember what Raven and Nick do on their date. It's in Finland, which looks super rad in the middle of winter. They start on what looks like a giant glacial field, and instead of exploring said glacial field - which, you know, seems reasonable given the number of times you're ALONE ON A VAST GLACIAL FIELD AN OCEAN AWAY FROM HOME - they ride away in a helicopter to go eat food.
Raven is incredibly nervous about telling Nick she loves him because she's apparently never told anyone that. She dated a guy for two years and didn't tell him she loved him. Commish has the urge to make fun of this situation, but it actually seems kind of messed up. Then you learn it was even worse because, though they had "sexual relations" (pretty sure that's what Raven said), she never orgasmed.
Raven is in the running for most blunt Bachelor contestant ever. Raven is also in the running for most inexperienced #LOVE seeker in Bachelor history. Raven is NOT in the running for most Arkansas Bachelor contestant ever because she's clearly already won that.
Raven ends up telling Nick she loves him in a super poetic and sweet way, which was entirely unexpected. This is what Raven does. She makes you think she's going full small town girl on you, then she totally surprises you and makes you wonder how she's never left said small town.
She accepts the fantasy suite invitation but tells Nick she's nervous about having sex. No pressure, Nick. The girl who's never had an orgasm before and just made you the first person she's ever said "I love you" to wants to have sex with you but is nervous about it.
WELCOME TO THE BACHELOR, BUDDY!
The episode ends, the cliffhanger being whether Raven's night will end in a "satisfying" way. Did I mention the producers have given up?
So, to recap, we just spent an hour watching Nick talk to an ex-girlfriend, dump someone he never really cared for, not appreciate a majestic Finlandic (yup) glacial field, and talk to a girl over dinner.
The Cheetos were great, though.
Commish's website, The SZN, runs the world's greatest Bachelor competitions. Join for free so you can play in Rachel's Bachelorette season starting in May:
