You know what's incredibly boring unless they ask Rachel and four random wannabe Instagram models dudes from Los Angeles to save the day? "After The Final Rose." Excruciating.
You know what's not boring? AFTER THE FINAL #LOVE FORECAST!!
In a historic (bc this was our first-ever Bachelor Rosedown), unprecedented (bc no one else does a #LOVE Forecast), controversial (bc Commish swears ABC produers are trying to kill him by making the "most screen time" award so close each week), and UNASSAILABLY DRAMATIC (bc duh and BIG WORDS!) event, Commish is going to reveal our final #LOVE Forecast results one by one until we determine The SZN's inaugural Bachelor Rosedown champion.
CORINNE, HOW WE FEELIN'?!
Let's start by recapping the standings going into the finale. We were set up for a thrilling finish that Nick could only dream about since he's definitely never getting married.
- 1: @njarvey - 99 points (61 rose pick pts | 38 #LOVE Forecast pts): Classic frontrunner and journalist who, rumor has it, declines ~7th place Bachelor contestants' desperate requests to be interviewed.
- 2: @TheCommish - 98 points (56 | 42): The worst rose picker among the leaders who, last week, no-joke switched from Raven to Rachel at the last minute and has cried himself to sleep every night since.
- 3: @Kobe - 97 points (63 | 34): Coincidentally (or totally not?) the best rose picker (RESULTS) and worst #LOVE Forecaster (EMPATHY) of the leaders. The Kobe Bryant of the Bachelor Rosedown.
- T4: @bryanpcorrigan - 96 points (58 | 38): The darkhorse of the group. Bryan hasn't submitted a single comment all season, and it's unclear whether Bryan exists, is actually Chris Harrison, or is actually Corinne's dad (under a pseudonym bc he's clearly in the mob).
- T4: @jennwzayas - 96 points (61 | 35): Once hosted a Bachelor viewing part that Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe crashed. She immediately and forcefully instructed Chris and Sean to leave in deference to her group's spoiler prevention blood oath.
- Competing for the coveted top 10 finish: @DickieT and @Beast4Life (T6, 95 pts), @dustinvandusen and @Sobotka (T8, 94 pts), @joepreiner (10th, 92 pts), @judigregry and @Pushmataha (T11, 91 pts), and @Waitingforgodot (13th, 90 pts).
The anticipation! The anxiety! Commish can't wait any longer. It's time.
CORINNE, HOW WE FEELIN'?!?!
#LOVE Forecast question 1: OH HAY, in case you haven't heard, Nick - you know, The Bachelor - has failed at this a few times. Do we see a montage of Nick's previous failed Bachelor runs?
In many ways, such a montage felt inevitable. Given Nick Viall exhibits slightly more emotion than a compulsive crying sock, the only real Nick storyline we had this season was his history of rejection.
That said, this is the finale. The finale doesn't typically show clips from previous episodes or seasons. It's the most #REAL, most #LOVE episode, where all the focus is on the third dates intense relationships when everything is on the line.
Answer: NO, because Andi already GOT her time this season, and last we checked, she's not a producer.
Results: Only 4 of the top 13 got it right, including @njarvey and @Kobe. @njarvey moves 2 points clear, while @Kobe slides into a tie for 2nd.
#LOVE Forecast question 2: Because they're tired of this shit, Nick's fam will definitely ask Vanessa and Raven tough questions. But who asks *Nick's family* tougher questions?
Nick's dad won this episode. If a Hollywood casting agent set out to find a Midwestern nice but no-bullshit dad who never wanted any of his kids to ever be on a reality TV show and yet finds himself dealing with his second-oldest kid becoming the star of maybe the highest profile reality TV show purely because of his repeated failures on said show... they'd cast Nick Viall's dad.
"Going through this whole process as parents was, at times, excruciating." TELL US HOW YOU REALLY FEEL, DAD!
Shout-out to Nick's mom, as well, for listening to Vanessa's overly dramatic question and answering, simply, "Well, I hope you find your answer." BAM.
Anyway, Raven doesn't ask any tough questions, because Raven doesn't ask tough questions - she just beats you over the head if you screw up. Vanessa asks Nick's dad whether love, alone, is enough to sustain a relationship. Nick's dad wants to say, "You're f***ing crazy," but instead says, "I think that sounds like a cliche... No," which is nearly as good.
Answer: Vanessa asks tougher questions, because 'TUDE
Results: 11 of the top 13 got it right, including all the frontrunners. But @joepreiner and @judigregry got it wrong, meaning we have a three-way tie for 10th place including @Pushmataha.
#LOVE Forecast question 3: The previews suggest that Nick's dad will question whether Vanessa is right for Nick. What will Nick's family's ultimate advice be?
First, forget Nick's dad. BELLA, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT VANESSA?
While Bachelor producers recycle the "Oh damn, the family likes the other guy (girl) more!" storyline over and over again to create false drama, rarely does the family actually tell its least favorite golden child (s)he should choose a specific person.
Yet with it seemingly so plainly obvious that Nick would choose Vanessa, you had to wonder whether Nick's family would be like, "Yo, how is she different than the other women you've brought to us? No, seriously, name one difference? No, her love of Labatt Blue doesn't count, son."
Nick's dad absolutely nailed it when he said, "You felt Andi had made the wrong choice - that she'd gone back to what she was comfortable with. You have a type. Do you think you might be going with what you're comfortable with? ... [That hasn't brought you] a lot of success."
Had Nick's dad said what he really wanted to say (YO, DON'T CHOOSE HER. LIKE, JUST CHOOSE NO ONE. PLEASE? BUT NOT HER.), this question might have surprised us. Alas, we ended where we typically do.
Answer: Nick, you may be our least favorite son, but do what makes you happy bro.
Results: Once again, 11 of the top 13 got it right. @njarvey still leads by 2.
#LOVE Forecast question 4: We've gone almost the whole season without a Vanessa crying question. IT'S TIME! In how many separate segments does Vanessa cry?
Goodness. This felt over before it really began. She cried with Nick's Dad because, "I never thought I was gonna meet anyone like your son." This revealed that Vanessa might not interact with humans outside her classroom on a weekly basis, and helped set the stage for the absolute bawlfest to come.
She cried during the evenign portion of their date immediately after kissing Nick, which, weird. She then cried to the camera during that same evening portion. She cried the morning of the proposal. She cried (a lot) during the proposal.
Remember that whole, "Wait, why is she on this show?" thing. It's self-answering. The answer is ALWAYS, "because she's crazy." NEVER WAVER, FRIENDS. NEVER WAVER!
Answer: OVER 2.5 Vanessa cry seshes
Results: Apparently forgetting the "she's crazy," bit, only four got this right. @TheCommish returns to 2nd place, a point beyond @njarvey, and @bryanpcorrigan moves into a tie for 3rd, 2 points back.
#LOVE Forecast question 5: And we haven't had a Canada question! 'Sup, Canada! Will Nick and Vanessa have another talk about where they plan to live if they get engaged?
In fairness to the producers, who gave up on this season approximately six weeks ago, Nick and Vanessa did have more #REAL conversation than we typically see.
In the finale, though, while family members speculated about geographic differences, Nick and Vanessa's tough conversations revolved around Nick not (yet) telling Vanessa she was THE ONE, and Vanessa being upset about that.
In other news, Vanessa cheats at board games. You KNOW she does.
Answer: NO, because I'm not sure if you noticed but Vanessa is on this show. So she probably wants to live in LA.
Results: Just three of the top 13 got it right, @TheCommish included, which means WE HAVE A ROSEDOWN TITLE TIE with seven questions left.
#LOVE Forecast question 6: It's possible Nick legitimately dislikes Neil Lane. Dude is Nick's boogeyman. How much shade does Neil Lane toss at Nick?
The moment Neil Lane comatose hugged Nick like this...
... it was clear Neil Lane is too old, too nice, and way too rich from so many failed Bachelor engagements to toss shade at anyone.
But think - if Neil Lane had just dabbed once... JUST ONCE!!
Answer: Neil Lane takes the high road, or doesn't even show up
Results: Our top three all got it right, as did @joepreiner and @judigregry who are now tied with @Sobotka in 9th place.
#LOVE Forecast question 7: DECISION TIME! You know the runner-up knows when their smile disappears. How soon will the runner-up's smile disappear?
Figuring the runner-up would be Raven, this boiled down to two truths: 1) Raven likes Nick A LOT, and 2) Raven is really weird.
Raven, the Nick #LOVEr, would be crushed the moment it was clear that she was not THE ONE. That moment came painfully early, by the way:
Raven, the weird human, would be liable to do just about anything, ranging from punching Nick in the gut (YAS!) to asking Nick to pause for a moment while she fakes crying but really goes outside to get an ATV and drives that shit right through the fake cabin (YASSSS!!!).
In the end, weird Raven won out. MINUTES after it was very clear she was not Nick's choice, he says, "I just remember, our first conversation, being like, 'Where did she come from?'" Raven laughs at this, and it's like, "Exactly."
Answer: It takes a while, because they're both convinced they're THE ONE
Results: Our toughest question yet. Just two people got it right - @DickieT and @Sobotka. Still tied at the top.
#LOVE Forecast question 8: Will Nick call Raven or Vanessa's dad before proposing?
We've seen this happen both ways in Bachelors past. What we HAVEN'T seen in Bachelors past is asking all four dads for their blessing in advance of a hypothetical engagement that almost certainly won't last.
If Nick's dad was the hero of the finale, Vanessa's dad was the hero of the hometowns episode for asking Nick, "Did you ask all the other fathers the same question?" Nick's response: SHITMUMBLEYES.
Can we cancel the next Bachelor and instead watch 10 straight weeks of Nick and Vanessa's dads fishing and talking shit about reality TV contestants? PLEASE?
Answer: NO, because you really think Nick can think about anything other than being rejected again?!
Results: Five of our top 13 got it right. @judigregry, with five correct answers so far, has surged into a tie for 9th. Oh, and COMMISH HAS TAKEN THE LEAD!!! I can't handle this. I'm shaking.
#LOVE Forecast question 9: Will Nick refer to the "greater love" (or "love of lifetime" or something very similar) that he was searching for this whole time when he proposes?
Commish gave up on Nick like five episodes ago. He unearthed the "most boring Bachelor(ette)" competition that we all thought was buried after Desiree "Don't call me a wet sock because that'd be giving a sock one too many descriptors" Hartsock's season.
It became wildly clear about halfway through the season that Nick had rehearsed over and over (and over) again how to convince his potential suitors that, despite having pronounced his undying love to two different women on this very show, THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT.
And, true to form, Nick uttered a version of the "greater love" he was searching for on multiple occasions during the finale. He just didn't say it during his proposal.
Answer: NO, and I still need a stiff drink
Results: Once again, five got it right. @DickieT is now tied for 3rd. @joepreiner moves into a tie for the coveted 10th spot with @dustinvandusen, who has only gotten two correct so far. And @njarvey moves back into a tie for 1st. THREE QUESTIONS TO GO!
#LOVE Forecast question 10: What will the newly engaged do?
This question is absolutely crucial in deciding our champion. This question is also absolutely ridiculous, and thus, a fantastic reminder of all that we stand for here at The SZN.
In the past, the newly engaged have skipped, ran, twirled, piggy backed, cried inconsolably, and done just about everything else you can imagine after winning finding true #LOVE.
Now we can add one more to the list. Nick and Vanessa hopped on a damn sleigh and rode off to see Santa again, because VANESSA REALLY REALLY LOVES SANTA.
As for Nick? He just loves to look straight at the damn camera:
Answer: None of these (they do something else)
Results: Four got it right. The most popular answer was "HE CARRIES HER," probably since the only thing Nick loves more than mumbleweeping is picking women up when he hugs them. @TheCommish voted for carrying. @njarvey voted for running. We're still knotted at the top with TWO TO GO.
#LOVE Forecast question 11: MOST #LOVE kiss, for the final time!
Let's take a trip down Viall Lane, and recap the season's MOST #LOVE kiss winners...
Ep 1: Rachel. Ep 2: Danielle M. Ep 3: Danielle L. Ep 4: Raven. Ep 5: Rachel. Ep 6: Kristina. Ep 7: Raven. Ep 8: Corinne. Ep 9/10: Rachel.
NOTICE ANYTHING STRANGE?
Did I mention the producers barely even showed up this season? The whole "does he like other women more than Vanessa?" plotline, along with the "BUT SHOULD HE?!" plotline, didn't fool anyone.
And that's why...
Answer: Vanessa with that final #LOVE
... all 13 finalists chose Vanessa here, along with choosing Vanessa for their one and only rose pick of the episode. FINAL QUESTION TIME.
#LOVE Forecast question 12: Most screen time, for the final time!
And so, it came down to this - the most diabolical of SZN Bachelor Rosedown #LOVE Forecast questions. Even though everyone knew Vanessa would win, we DIDN'T know if Vanessa would get the most screen time.
Just like we didn't know if it was possible to win the screen time award without even going on a one-on-one (hi, Liz!), or if you could win a screen time award without uttering a single sentence of meaning in over 10 minutes (hi, Danielle L!).
Perhaps the most shocking realization in this season's screen time recap? Corinne only won it three times. Ep 1: Corinne. Ep 2: Liz. Ep 3: Vanessa. Ep 4: Raven. Ep 5: Corinne. Ep 6: Danielle L. Ep 7: Corinne. Ep 8: Vanessa. Ep 9/10: Raven.
Three of the 13 went Raven, while 10 went Vanessa. Raven started the episode off strong, but Vanessa's 24 straight minutes of screen time that followed - meeting Nick's parents, then, after a short Nick-gets-schooled-by-his-dad-but-ignores-him-anyway interlude, their final one-on-one - were simply too much to overcome.
Were our title contenders on opposite sides?
Answer: Vanessa wins the screen time finale
On Raven were @DickieT, @judigregry, and @Pushmataha, which means The SZN's first-ever Bachelor Rosedown ends up tied at the top.
Perhaps the tie is fitting given Nick and Vanessa are as likely to marry as Chris Harrison is to age. (Is it Jorge's tequila? It's Jorge's tequila. Can someone get Commish some of Jorge's tequila?!)
We're running it back for The Bachelorette. Join us now on The SZN - it's free! - to reserve your spot:
Top 20 (final leaderboard):
- Co-champ: @njarvey (107 points)
- Co-champ: @TheCommish (107 points)
- T3: @Kobe (104 points)
- T3: @bryanpcorrigan (104 points)
- T5: @DickieT (103 points)
- T5: @Beast4life (103 points)
- T7: @jennwzayas (101 points)
- T7: @Sobotka (101 points)
- 9th: @joepreiner (100 points)
- T10th: @dustinvandusen (99 points)
- T10th: @judigregry (99 points)
- 12th: @Pushmataha (96 points)
- 13th: @Waitingforgodot (95 points)
- T14: @acaceres (94 points)
- T14: @Clearym25 (94 points)
- T14: @ngray22385 (94 points)
- T17: @LeviLeo (93 points)
- T17: @PositiveVibes (93 points)
- T17: @amandalaurenross (93 points)