If you're gonna win BFIG, you have to trust a wide range of teams throughout the year. Just don't trust the Cleveland Browns. (Part 3 of our "torpedoed dreams" series.)
This feels almost cruel, right? It's like doing a "Horrid Free Throw Shooters" series and including a dude with no arms.
Of course it's a terrible idea to pick the Cleveland Browns in a survivor pool. The Browns are terrible. Dreams about the Browns are terrible. Dreams about dreams about the Browns are terrible.
But here's the kicker: This isn't just about picking the Browns in a survivor pool. The Browns do far, far more damage than that...
2016 Update: Lol. Responsible for 4,448 survivor wins by virtue of losing nearly every game, the Browns still managed to torpedo 51 survival dreams in Week 16 by beating San Diego. And they went 1-6 when actually picked to win. Their 28.6% BFIG winning % when picked is now comfortably the worst all-time.
Let's start with the fact that the Browns DO get picked in BFIG. That at least means Cleveland's BFIG history isn't the most expected scenario, because the most expected scenario is no one ever picking the Browns ever in ever... ever.
Alas, the Browns have been picked 14 times in seven seasons, and they're 5-9. That's good for the second-worst winning percentage in BFIG history (see: torpedoed dreams installment 5).
I suppose the picking is inevitable. It's like your seventh grade self pounding one-too-many Surge cans and deciding this was the day you'd ask out the most popular guy/girl in school. BE BOLD!
And so, once every few years, the Browns find a way to inject us with some hope. Well, that or some of us get absolutely blitzed on a Wednesday night and, circa 3am, raise a growler of Miller High Life in the air and scream, "DAWG POUND!!!"
In 2011, Cleveland actually garnered the third-most picks in Week 1 (including Commish). That was funny.
They blew a fourth quarter lead in losing to the Bengals, finished the season 4-12, and failed to capitalize on franchise tagging their kicker, Phil Dawson.
Yup, the Browns franchised a kicker.
But aside from that 2011 collective hallucination, when the Browns get picked, it's only a few people, and they all say something like "BLAZE OF GLORY!!!" before going quietly into the night.
It's the Cleveland wins that do the real damage. Yes, wins.
The Browns have a real knack for winning games they shouldn't. And often we've picked those games in BFIG.
In Week 9, 2010, Eric Mangini's 2-5 Browns hosted the 6-1 Patriots. BFIG Hall-of-Famer Jesse Lee was one of two people left with the Patriots available. His strategy had worked to perfection.
Cleveland 34, New England 14. The Browns literally beat the Patriots by 20. It's the most un-Belichick game in history.
In Week 3, 2013, the 0-2 Brian Axel Hoyer Browns traveled to Minnesota, and 98 people (including Commish) picked the Vikings. Hoyer threw three touchdowns to Jordan Cameron to fuel a 31-27 victory. Also noteworthy: Willis McGahee had eight carries for 9 yards.
One week later, the Browns knocked out another 11 percent of the pool by beating Cincinnati. They promptly went 2-10 the rest of the way.
The 2014 Browns knocked out nearly 100 people in Week 2 by beating the Saints. Probably the most torpedoed dreams game ever.
The Browns torpedo dreams because torpedoing dreams is the most Browns thing ever.
When you pick them, torpedo. When you pick against them, peewwwwwwwwwwww...
That was a torpedo sound.
You should probably just avoid thinking about the Cleveland Browns, period.
Well, avoid it until you're 17 Bud Light Limes deep on a Wednesday night. And, in that case...
DAWGGGG POUNDDDDDDD!
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You can check out all five "torpedoed dreams" articles here. Truth be told, from a coldly rational, Barnwellian perspective, none of this stuff should matter. But it shouldn't have mattered in 2009-2016, either... Pick at your own risk!
And if you haven't gotten in for the 2017 NFL SZN, you have till Sunday (9/10) at 9:50am PDT. GET IN HERE!